I really don't know what to do...

[Gerry]

I first came on this forum a couple of years ago. Went through the agonies of getting funding, then the pre-op appointments and diet etc, then went for a pre-op appointment where they said they would have to look into my previous medical history etc and have sleep apnoea tests and have some aditional op to fit something in my groin to prevent DVT's.... At that appointment I also confessed a deep seated fear of masks over my face. They gave me one to practice with and after about a week I was fine putting it over my face and breathing through it. All was fine and I waited to hear from them....and waited and waited and waited. GP wrote to them about a year ago...still we waited. Tried phoning, "someone will call you back". No call ever came and in the end I lost my nerve and gave up and decided to go it alone with my slimfast diet as I'd lost over 2 stone on that. I have put a bit back on, but am now trying again, when 18 months after no contact, and totally out of the blue, I get a letter from the hospital offering me an outpatients appointment .

At the time, two years ago, I was all for the surgery, had psyched myself up for it and was eager to have it. Now I'm stressed with other things in my life and going through depression and am not feeling as confident as I once was.

I really don't know what to do, wether to just phone and cancel it, or go along and tell them that if they'd followed up 18 months ago then I'd have had it by now and that now I don't know if I want it. I'd love to be slim, and seeing everyone's before and after pics is a great inspiration, but I just don't know if I am ready physically or mentally, or if I have the support at home that I initially felt I had. I truly don't know what to do. I know none of you can make the decision for me, but any words of advice would be most helpful. I just want to sit and cry at the moment :cry:

 

[cherry]

what does your gut feeling tell you?.... what was your first reaction at the letter? was it happiness....if are you truely happy going it alone and sticking to diets then id say stick to what your doing or do you need this intervention ( which im feeling is prob a yes as you d never have started it), you did so well to practise with the mask, and get over your fear... and you ve done it once so you can do it again, just have some faith in yourself, once this ball starts rolling again you ll prob find it all slots into place and you ll remember from last time how you got yourself mentally and physically prepared and so this time hopefully it ll come quicker and easier for you, i would say to grab this chance by the horns and prepare yourself along the way as we all know its abit of a wait to the actual op, but like you say only you can make this decision

i wish you the best of luck sweetpea in your decision xxx

 

[Kerry Jo]

aww i really feel for you, big hugs. By the sounds of things your in shock you've got it into your head there's no op then wam bam. I wouldn't rush into anything either way and would write down why i wanted the op and why i don't want the op. Come back to the forum and read some diaries it might just get you in the mood for your op again. It is only you who can make this decision and i would go for it, but its up to you, good luck in making your decision xxx

 

[yorkiegal]

hi gerry. sorry to hear you're going through depression at the moment. I know what that's like and how difficult it can be to make any sort of decision when you feel like that. Perhaps you could go to the outpatients appointment and just see how you feel after talking to them there? It's not as though you have to decide right now whether to have the surgery. You could back out much further down the line if you decided that was the right decision for you.
I'd be a bit worried about cancelling the appointment now when you consider how long it has taken to get it in the first place, because if you decide on the surgery later on you'd have to go through the referral process all over again.
Are you getting any help with the depression at all? I had cbt to help me look at my eating disorder and prepare me for the upcoming surgery. It hasn't fixed everything but it has helped a lot. However I am on meds which work pretty well for my depression and I've been relatively stable for three years now. Looking back to how I was previously I know I wouldn't have been able to cope with surgery back then. But we're all different and only you know how you will cope.
Well done on losing the weight with slimfast. It's great that you've managed to do that regardless of the lack of support system you have and perhaps shows that you could manage the restrictive post op diet better than you think?
Whatever you decide, please come back and vent any time you need to hon.
take care
yorkie xxx

 

[gaelic girl]

Hi Gerry
No wonder you are in a bit of a dilema. A long long time ago i started the journey on the nhs here in Glasgow but only got so far before frustration and no guarantee of funding i gave up. I regreted that decision for a long time but got over it so to speak. Went on the proverbial diet of the moment over the next few years with a varying degree of success but always put all the weight and more back on. Coming up to the big 50 next year i vowed i wasn't going to be fat and fifty but had to fund my bypass as i didn't meet the criteria for surgery on the nhs.Ican safely say apart from giving birth to my kids its the best thing i have ever done. You will see from my pics and stats the difference it has made to me and my life. Yes my family went through their doubts and would go from being supportive to being critical but my new lease of life has spoken for themselves and they are behind me all the way. You are right no one can make the decision for you as it has to be right for you and your family. I personally would advise you to GO GO GO for it, certainly go to the outpatients appointment and see how you feel. That was a long winded post but just wanted to share my story in brief to let you know the difference it has made to me. Good luck with your decision x

 

[phatmomma]

Hi Gerry

It sounds to me like you made a lot of progress 18 months ago only for everything to come to a standstill. I think you did amazingly well conquering your fear of the mask and your team have your interest at heart suggesting having something in your thigh to help with any possible dvt.

I personally would go for the outpatient appointment, you can change your mind right up to the point when you are walking down to theatre...

I'm guessing that like most of us on here you have done all the diets, been successful in shifting a good amount only to put it back on again...

Go see what they say and have a blooming good think! This could be the chance for you to finally get into the healthy body that you want... Don't discard the idea until you've been to your outpatient appt xx

 

[seawaves]

Hi Gerry, i totally agree with Julie, good luck with whatever you decide

 

[Gerry]

Thank you for the replies. I too felt that I'd nothing to loose by going along, and also seeing why they had not contacted me for so long. See if they had any explanation for it. Had everything continued at the time, I'd have had it done by now and probably be much slimmer than my current 20st.

I had a chat with hubby last night, and told him that I wasn't sure what to do, and that I wasn't sure if there was still the same support from the family now. Maybe they were feeling that I never intended to go through with it in the first place. Right now in my life, I feel that they are all coming to me with their own problems and none of them are even bothering to ask "and how are you, is everything ok?" I don't know if going through the surgery and recovery process while they are all bringing their worries back to me, is the right time to be embarking on something so serious. I feel stressed and like I'm the only disabled person around who's still expected to clear up after them. I've taken a stand on many things like no longer turning their clothes in the right way when I get them out of the wash basket to go in the machine. If they chuck them in there in a ball, they get washed like it, dried like it and given back like it. If they leave bottles down by the bin in the kitchen rather than putting them in the recycling bin outside the front door, then I don't move them for them, I leave them. That kind of thing. I literally lay in bed and howled last night, telling my husband, how could I possibly recover from an operation when everyone still left me to clear up behind them. He just lay there, not saying anything, but a short while later, came down and emptied the dishwasher, which I don't consider to be one of the problems anyway, I don't mind doing that. Anyway, getting back on track, I just don't think they would sort things out themselves if I were trying to recover from a major operation. I still feel that they would be coming to me telling me all their woes and expecting me to sort them.

18 months ago, I was worried about dying as I still felt I had so much to do, yet now I look at dying as much less of a problem, (not saying I'd kill myself) as I see it that if I didn't survive the op, then at least I'd be free of all this stress.

I shall probably go to the appointment and see what they say, but as yet I really don't know if I will go ahead or not.

Thanks again for the replies.

 

[gaelic girl]

Gerry you sound so low hun, i think we can all sympathise with the family who don't do as much as they should i know i can they take us for granted in lots of ways. When you are the one who listens and does the supporting people lose the insight that the listeners need to be listened to as well! You have taken a stand on the domestic front and rightly so, hopefully you will be able to find the strength to take a stand if you decide to go for surgery to tell people that its your turn for support. Please correct me if i'm wrong but you seem to have low confidence and very low self esteem and if this and your health problems are weight related then i would say def go for surgery. I am so much more confident post op and therefore can stand up and be counted with the rest. You have plenty of people on here Gerry who will help you and listen to you when you need us. Big hugs xx

 

[phatmomma]

Gerry please don't take this the wrong way but i think after your last post you should seriously consider having the operation! Your children sound like they are not young kids but more like 18 yr olds who are happy for you to wait on them hand and foot. Seems to me that it's their turn to stand up and look after you, will do them the world of good.

I'm blessed, although my children are only 11 & 12 they are capable of cooking a meal and tidying the kitchen etc so i had no worries

It's time for you to think about you, you deserve a chance xxxx

 

[yorkiegal]

Bless your husband. Sounds like a typical man who doesn't know how to react to us emotional women so goes off to do something practical instead. He's probably expecting a big pat on the back for emptying the dishwasher now lol.
Good luck with the appointment xx

 

[Gerry]

Thank you for the responses .

I've now chatted with a close friend of mine, and been thinking a lot more about the op and going through the threads on this forum and seeing how happy so many people are after their op. I'm now feeling a little more positive about it, and I think that feeling will grow on me. Still not 100% either for or against, but know that my health is really giving me so many problems that I need to decide if I either want to do something about it or just give up and become even more disabled than I am already. I'm picking up again on all the terms and thinking about what I eat and weighing myself again etc, so trying to get a bit more focused.
Hubby is taking the day off to take me to the appointment in September. As some have said previously, I can cancel at any time, but I want to go along and see why they just left me for 18 months.

Thanks again for the help and support. I truly value it.

Watch this space.

 

[gaelic girl]

Gerry great to hear you sounding more positive and glad that hubby is going along with you! Keep us posted on how it all goes. Big hugs x