BandedHuns Mad Fat Diary

Well finally I'm getting this diary started after yesterday's attempt died... After I took a phone call and didn't save what I'd written and it logged me out! Grrrrrr Anyway, I thought I'd start with my story, my background as there might be others out there who have the same problems, issues etc ... So I was born at 9lb 3oz and big baby but not over weight. Throughout my childhood I was active bigger than other kids but not overweight in any way.

I remember being 9-10 years old and being at the swimming pools for school lessons and a group of lads were asking the girls ( I was lucky there were around 7 girls in my class who were tall, larger framed than most girls) anyway, the lads were asking our weights and I distinctively remember then laughing at me when I said my weight, I think. I said 7st based on what the others were saying. I felt humiliated .
That being my first experience of weight issues.

I went to a wealthy school but my parents were just working class average earners. My weight ballooned. No idea what I weighed in my teenage years I just knew I got bullied for being big. Well my legs, they used to call me Roy, I swam and had muscles legs. I felt humiliated.
I hated my school years.

My outside clubs were full of skinny people, I was a laugh to be around, but inside I was not worth the friendships because I was fat. My swimming coach pulled me out the water at 13 in forint of others and said " instead if a milkshake at McDonald's, have a diet coke!" And ever since I had diet cokes only ( not that I'd always have had a milkshake anyway. ) I felt humiliated.

During these years I watched my mum struggle with her weight. I heard my dad make comments about others weight. I lived with an extremely skinny and popular sister. I felt because I was overweight, I wasn't loveable. I wasn't enough. I was second best.

I got together with my ex husband in my teens after landing a job at the gym. I was popular there, for some reason everyone knew me, liked me, but all I saw was the fattest girl in the gym. I met my ex husband there - I used to secretly eat. Get home and scoff toast and peanut butter pretending I'd not already had a jacket potato for tea. I sought all my problems in food.

Then I landed a job in a fashion head quarters, I needed to loose weight, so I started slim fast. Some days I would literally eat an apple and two rice cakes followed by cereal for dinner until my ex had got home so I could leave the bowl on the side and tell him I'd already eaten. I lost weight got to 11st . He proposed we brought a house, I went to weight watchers. The weight went on and off - I got pregnant, the weight went on. After my daughter was born I decided I needed to loose weight and weight watchers it I was , again I got to 11st, we got married and divorced in three months. I was so unhappy. With a 9 month old daughter and a divorce and no home I went on the slippery depression slope. I was a victim of this circle of weight gain and weight loss. The stress maintained my weight around 12st so just in my BMI.

I met the guy I'd been with now for 7 years but the need to be perfect for him overwhelmed me and my diets got more drastic and the need to be thin did. Dukun, Atkins, Cambridge, slim fast, slimming world, starving, diet speed based pills all became my way of life. I could maintain the hungry feeling for six months max then I needed food. Everything morsel I could not control the amounts of. Not just one Jaffa cake, two boxes. Not just a mouthful of egg fried rice, a carton full. I had no control. That leaves me to where I am today. Miserable. depressed. Constantly not looking after myself , hiding in baggy jumpers and stretchy leggings. I can't bare to feel my fat squeeze into jeans. So I live in stretchy clothes.

Anyway, so I've decided to put an end to the cycles. Whether or not for me this will be the tight thing, its a decision I've finally come to in myself. I don't want to be like my mum, constantly on a diet unable to keep the weight off. She's battled all her life. I feel inside this is the best option for me going into my 30s. My 20s were miserable. So that's my story.

I'm currently a BMI of 33.1
Weighed 102kg at the consultation on 23/03 ( clothed with converse on)
That's 224lbs or 16st!!! ((Ashamed))
My surgeon is MR El-Hasani
I'm going with the hospital group
Surgery at Dolan park
After care at Weymouth St London
I've paid £5215 including transport from Essex to Birmingham and back.
6 months surgery cover
2 years aftercare programme and unlimited fills.

I'm nervous as hell. Feel sick thinking about the surgery and I'm up and down like a yoyo ... again ... Lol ... But I need to give myself the chance. I want to change my life.... FOR GOOD :-D

DAY 1

Food was good. Ate as I should.

It was bland and tasteless and I started to be scared , that I will never enjoy food again.
I was sticking to the rules . Chewing lots. Waiting between eat bite. And by 15 minutes of eating I was bored.
Didn't want anything else.

So food was

2 eggs- cooked into omelette with some turkey. ( cracked pepper)
Watermelon slices.
Chicken breast with peas and broccoli ( half eaten )
Fresh pineapple
Sugar free jelly ( with 7 grapes)

That's my daily intake. Have no idea what calories but that's day one out the way.

4 days to surgery.

You should try logging your food intake. I use my fitness pal. Its free, easy to use & has the best range of uk foods.
I find it really helps to know what your eating & logs your calories etc

Hey Emma, yes I just set it up now. It's good. It was only 629kcals for the day and today is looking like 658kcals, worried that's not enough though, but we shall see I haven't felt hungry yet so see how I am by tonight

It's not enough Hun. Ur body needs 800 calories a day just to function. Any less & you'll be in ketosis which results in your body loosing weight in an unhealthy way.
Your pre op diet is to shrink your liver only it's not to loose weight but is often a nice side effect.
Try to stick to 1000 -1200 calories a day, some may even say that's a little low.

Should I up the protein intake to get higher calories for smaller portions ?

Post op you definitely want more protein. For now just follow your providers liver shrink diet guidelines.
I think that so long as it is low fat its ok.

DAY 2 = 648kcals (3.5lb lost overnight)

Pre op diet has gone much better today.
Completed changed meals up completely but I'm struggling to add calories to the amount I'm allowed to eat.

Breakfast

2 boiled egg and watermelon & clipper Green tea

Snack

Fresh Pineapple slice

Lunch

2 slices Bernard Matthew turkey slice & cucumber sticks

dinner

100g chicken breast & grilled courgette strips & 100g petite pois ( unfinished as I ran out of 20 minutes eating time) ?

Snack

Sugar free Jelly & grapes


Not been too bad, slight hunger pains around dinner time but nothing bad. Managed to keep myself entertained. I'm only drinking a litre of mineral water and sugar free squash. So far three pints worth of squash and the litre of water.

I must say I'm not having gum, sweetener , sugar nothing added unless I put it on here . I'm surprised how strict I have been with myself and the portions I have eaten. I'm starting to get fuzzy mouth but I think that's from the no carbs, the Atkins effect ... Grrrr.

So today's calorie intake is 648kcals in TOTAL and feeling positive.

I sometimes think these sites don't help, I read a comment on here earlier saying that a surgeon had said that bands need removing.... I've not read anything that states lapband a are not unlimited lifespan. It kinda worried me reading all these mixed reviews and opinions. I was lucky my surgeon is able to do any gastric surgery, weight loss is a side to what he does, so when I asked about weight loss surgery he gave an overview and long term solution to all opinions. I didn't feel pressured for the band I just knew I was never going to be eligible for sleeve or by pass. I wonder whether some of these surgeons push the more expensive treatments.... I don't know what to think I just have to trust my decision was the right decision for me and along with a positive change in healthier foods I will maintain a low boys weight for all my life.

Positive about my new tool on 29th March now .... ????

sounds liek what your eating is very good but i would try to get those cals up a bit x x

So just been to the hospital groups clinic in London to meet the nurse. BP is good starting to feel hungry and luckily I had packed water and a little tub of grapes and pineapple. So sitting on the train waiting to go home eating my fruit.

Brought some dry mouth spray too at boots as Im really struggling with fuzzy tongue syndrome. Urgh.£2.55 the boots one is so not too bad,

Another 2lbs off this morning on this pre op diet but I feel it's going to stop once the bands done and more fatty liquids are going in. If I can eat like this after my band I'll be one happy girl! Obs I can get my calorie take up to 1200 or 1000 minimum just by adding some sauce to my foods ....

Will diary more once I survive the day but feeling positive ....

DAY 3 - 770kcal

Today has been hard.
An early start and running around up London to pre op assessment along with netball latches and food shopping has made it hard to stay focused and I felt hungry finally today , bit down in mood but I'm putting that down to lack of calories now. Three days of under 1000 kcal's a day from previously eating around 3000 kcal's a days yen on binge days more - I'm Definitely feeling the strain.

I'm scared of how hard it is to chew chew chew your food, I find I'm getting bored and 20 minutes of eating I've had enough because I'm so bored. I know I'm possibly putting in too much effort this week but it's really scared me into thinking I can't do it with the band. I haven't finished one mean yet I've made. My calories are based on the measurements I weigh not what I actually consume? So thinking about it I'm
Possibly having a lot less calories.

I feel moody today and fatigued. I was excited this morning by the opportunity of my new life but I have waves of excitement mixed with dread like now when I think I've wasted all that money.... But then I think to myself I've lost 5.5lb in two days. Two weeks ago I went to weight watchers run 10.5 miles and put on weight. So I need something like this in my life because I just consume far too much food. Before this I had no control. My binges were out of control and I was miserable and hopeless.

Anyway- today's food -

B - 2 egg into omelette with lemon juice and 2 turkey slices

Snack - grapes

L - turkey Breast 100g with cucumber sticks
Watermelon

D- 200g Quorn, mange tout, broccoli, peas

Snack - sugar free jelly and grapes

770 Kcal in total

However walked 265 kcal's off today where as the last two days I have just stayed resting at home.


Literally just had a call from THG and got my diver details... Steve! Mehhhhh at 4am!!! And no fluids after 5am !!!! Noooooo.... It's so real now!

Today I'm feeling Empty food wise...
Which is a nice feeling. Evenings in the past where I'd binge and I'd wake up in the morning bloated and in pain are now 4 days ago, so this feeling is nice.

My fuzzy mouth is well in resistance but then I haven't had a carb or dairy product since Sunday.

Nerves are setting in now and I'm scared 7 days off work is not enough recovery ( I'm not great with pain) but we shall see.

Busy day a head today so hopefully will make today easier. 72hours time .... Eeeek

I'm so worried, I don't know whether this is normal or not. I worried I've wasted my savings, it won't work on me, I'll forever be fat girl, I'm not strict enough in my head to change my life forever, I'm not worth it, I'll be in pain after and it will go wrong, I'm worried I'll eat more than everyone else..... Jeez that's a lot of negative thoughts.

I need to just think I've got to give it a good go. Try my hardest. Stick to the rules and see what happens.

Will document my food later but these are my thoughts this morning.

Feeling nervous is completely normal. I dont worry about this sort of thing (had 2 previous ops without feeling nervous hardly at all)
I was going to have my op in December & of all things i was worried about not eating xmas dinner! I was pleased when I had to cover sick leave at work & has to delay my op till January. So silly now when i look back. I'd be at least a stone lighter now if I'd gone ahead! Lol

Yes I guess your right. I've not been nervous every time I've had my hand surgery done ( it's two years yesterday since I got attacked my a stray dog - locked into my hand and snapped my bones and tendons so had two years of surgery to repair it all) never been nervous, just was looking forward to being fixed, but the nerves with this surgery and the fact it's private and it's my organs I feel so nervous with.

Plus side 1lb off today so I'm down to 15.3lb before the op.... Just wondering how much I'm likely to put on now after!

Think the plan will be weekly if not fortnightly weigh ins .... Can't be dealing with number obsessions ....

DAY 4 -

Not so great! TOTM! Right before surgery, great. Then I battled all day with a busy day struggled to get the foods planned for lunch.

Made a sweet omelette for breakfast, 2 eggs whisked with Sweetner and lemon juice ( the stuff you squeeze on pancakes) it was lush, light and fluffy and tasty, kept me going. Haven't drunk enough water today, so felt dehydrated.

This evening I was hungry eating my meal. I ate it quickly than the 20/20/20 method, but I needed food , again just chicken and green veg in side plate.

I've battled emotionally today. It's been a long day and i feel like I'm regretting my decision but not I'm, I'm filled with confusion, I love food, I love my junk too. I know the junk and binges are what's bad for me. So that had to stop. That's why I loose weight and put it on... And I've paid for the band to help me stop this behaviour. It's not going to be easy, but it should be easier with the tools to stop me being able to scoff, binge and then hunger.

I prey this works for me. Im scared to death. 48 hours time.

I haven't sorted my stuff out. I haven't packed my bag and I'm so scared of the three hour journey and the pain. I hope I get to read this Sunday/ Monday and I feel so much better about it, but now, right now, I'm scared and wondering if I've done the right thing.

I just want to be happy. I want to wear my 29 jeans again. I want to wear my leather coat again.... ( now it's summer lol)!

Calories for today. 629kcal

2 egg
Lemon juice
Sweetner

2 chicken slices
Watermelon

Chicken breast
Peas broccoli

Jelly grapes and pineapple

------>. 629Kcal <-----------

There we go. 4 days of the week gone and only one left with the tummy I was born with. That I neglected and abused.....

Hi Hun,

I'm in tears here reading your blog, I could have wrote your story myself. I'm new to the site, and only joined up tonight. I've battled with my weight all my life too, and I've finally, FINALLY realised and admitted I have a problem and I need help. I meet my surgeon, Prof Ammori from Spire on 7th Apr, and I'll start the pre-op diet then too. Hoping to have the band fitted the first week in May - could have it sooner but work commitments mean this is the earliest I can do it. I feel all the same emotions you do, I'm relieved I'm not the only one feeling this way... have I made the right decision? What happens if it doesn't work? Am I going to be fat and unhappy forever? I don't know the answers, but lets just keep everything crossed it works out for both of us.

I'll be following your diary all the way, so please keep us updated.

Good luck xx

Your worries are so normal girls but if you really really want it YOU can make it work. It takes effort and I had all the same worries as you I'm very nearly 6 months put and have now lost over 4 stone! I'm well over half way through my weight loss. Work hard and you will get to where you want to be x x

MrsDuck said:

Hi Hun, I'm in tears here reading your blog, I could have wrote your story myself. I'm new to the site, and only joined up tonight. I've battled with my weight all my life too, and I've finally, FINALLY realised and admitted I have a problem and I need help. I meet my surgeon, Prof Ammori from Spire on 7th Apr, and I'll start the pre-op diet then too. Hoping to have the band fitted the first week in May - could have it sooner but work commitments mean this is the earliest I can do it. I feel all the same emotions you do, I'm relieved I'm not the only one feeling this way... have I made the right decision? What happens if it doesn't work? Am I going to be fat and unhappy forever? I don't know the answers, but lets just keep everything crossed it works out for both of us. I'll be following your diary all the way, so please keep us updated. Good luck xx

Click to expand...

Agh that's nice to know. I think it's really hard being a lower BMI ( I'm still obese according to the scale) and having WLS ... Most people think y on earth would you do that? Just cut down? Or as my OH says " just have control and stop being greedy" but if I could do that don't you think the weight would have stayed off the first time I dieted.... It's crazy.

I've chosen the band just because it works on smaller portions ( not sure about your scenario) but for me it's what I need.

It's crazy there are so many of us out there who are caught in this trap.

Good luck mrsDuck with your journey. I'll keep ever posted on mine on here, everyday. The nerves are well and TRUELY in now!!!

Take care and speak soon x

Don't be nervous... In a week or so u will feel brand new... In fact many feel like they don't have a band... Then the long wait till green starts, desperate for those fills, they u will reach green and the weight loss will really start. Or like me, by the time I reached green I had lost all the weight!! If u think if it like a smoker...
U will always be addicted to cigarettes, but instead of your normal 40 a day, you will be satisfied with 5.... But u got a hard few months ahead to get u there, but it will come...
Your moaning the fear now of not being able to binge in the future, and like I said on another thread I still binge now... Enough to satisfy my mind but not enough to punish my body..

Good luck xx

Ahhh louloumoo that's great thank you!!!!

I know it's sounds silly but my binges were my way of hating and hurting myself, the feeling of guilt and disgust overwhelmed me so massively!!! But exactly like you say you still binge .... I'm hoping my light packet if crisps or two biscuits will be my binge... Who knows.

It's the unknown that's scary.

You've reminded me I must ask the consultant before surgery if he's going to put any full in ... I remember reading ( was it yours) about someone being told they had no full but in actual fact they had 4mls. Hummmm so I must ask if they intend to put a fill in.

I am positive about it and I'm surprised how well I've managed this week on the pre op diet. I've not been climbing the walls or hungry however under 700kcal a day had left me fatigued. There is no way I could stick to that daily and train, ESP when I burn up to 800-1500kcals when I run... And that's my aim to get my road running back to form.

I'm ready I think. My step daughter works at a fish n chick shop and she's brought a massive bag of fish and chips home, there's ribs, 4 battered sausages, sausages savoly fish chips, chicken .... You name it ... It's there,,,, I hadn't touched a morsel .... So my minds in the right place, which is good.

I'm also 6 days since I've eaten chocolate!!! My addiction might be cured!!!! .... Please... That's the cigarettes for me .... Chocolate and chinese! They are my heroin!