Alcohol and husbands!

skinimum · Aug 2, 2015

My husband has a mum and a sister who are alcoholics. His sister died this year aged 39 and his mum has been sober for 25 years

He has flashbacks when I am tipsy and is now accusing me of being out of control.

He has started reading every weight loss article about increased risk of becoming an alcoholic post RNY and then sending them to me

I acknowledge that I react differently to alcohol now but I don't think it's a problem. He does think it's a problem. I am almost 2 yrs post op. Mostly when I drink I feel tipsy quickly then sober up quickly. Occasionally I get really squiffy and that's like a red rag to a bull.

He has agreed to see someone about his flashbacks but he is so angry with me. I can't see its my fault what goes on in his head.

Don't know what to do or where to turn.

Kar8858 · Aug 2, 2015

Mmm hard one..I don't drink at all never have...it changes people and not for the better, even just one drink. Nothing will change how your husband feels, it's not so much flashbacks but something that heavily influenced and effected his life. This could actually be a marriage breaker I would say..so the question is what comes first, how much this frightens and hurts your husband or having a drink. To be honest there is no positive side effects to drinking let's be honest, you don't gain anything. By not drinking you do gain a lot, saving money and saving calories! If my husband didn't want me to do something because it was linked to something so serious like alcoholism then I wouldn't do it. He will have been emotionally and psychologically damaged by them both and he won't get over it.

widdershins · Aug 5, 2015

Totally agree with Kar8858!

Crystalrainbow · Aug 5, 2015

When something significant happens in your life it kind of sticks with you .... flashbacks can be part of PTSD
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder caused by very stressful, frightening or distressing events..........

I suffer with PTSD and could not face to be with somebody that reminded me of past events.........

Unfortunately we have no control over our thoughts and feelings, it takes a whole load of thought and consideration..... do some research, you may find something helpful x x x x good luck

As Kar says this could be a marriage breaker, I know for me it would be......

jen1805 · Aug 5, 2015

like crystalrainbow has said it really does sound like your hubby has PTSD, be patient he is going through hell!!! its no ones fault, there really is light at the end of the tunnel, problem being its a bloody long tunnel. As you have said he has agreed to see someone, stick with it!!! there will be lots of brick walls that need knocking down, jumping over whatever way he finds that helps it will be extremely hard work, it maybe that he sorts it out rapidly but it can take years. It was explained to me as take a six drawer filing cabinet full to the brim with important documents, it gets emptied all over the floor, you are then blind folded and told to sort it out, it will feel impossible but its not its, worth the tears and heartbreak, the sun will shine again, but if you could try not to drink alcohol in the meantime it will help him as its obviously a trigger for him. huge hugs happy to chat if you need too being the partner of a PTSD sufferer/survivor can be a very lonely place xxx

widdershins · Aug 6, 2015

Ive been thinking about this..I expect our responses seem rather harsh.

Im wondering if, in a roundabout way, you are asking for help with alcohol?

vain · Aug 6, 2015

skinimum said:
My husband has a mum and a sister who are alcoholics. His sister died this year aged 39 and his mum has been sober for 25 years He has flashbacks when I am tipsy and is now accusing me of being out of control. He has started reading every weight loss article about increased risk of becoming an alcoholic post RNY and then sending them to me I acknowledge that I react differently to alcohol now but I don't think it's a problem. He does think it's a problem. I am almost 2 yrs post op. Mostly when I drink I feel tipsy quickly then sober up quickly. Occasionally I get really squiffy and that's like a red rag to a bull. He has agreed to see someone about his flashbacks but he is so angry with me. I can't see its my fault what goes on in his head. Don't know what to do or where to turn.

omg I don't normally wade in but really some of this advised if so wrong on many levels no one that is commenting is an expert and I take it you drank when you met your husband to say this is a marriage breaker is heartbreaking I think all you can do is support your husband as his demons are his and you can not accept responsibility for this all you can do is support each other and seek the professional help and I don't think your going a round about way to say you have a problem I would honestly stay clear of this on this forum I've seen a lot of negative comments from people and just wonder why they seem to have to be harmful and negative it's good to vent but equally you just need some honest reliable professional help xxx all the best c

ladilindy · Aug 6, 2015

vain said:
omg I don't normally wade in but really some of this advised if so wrong on many levels no one that is commenting is an expert and I take it you drank when you met your husband to say this is a marriage breaker is heartbreaking I think all you can do is support your husband as his demons are his and you can not accept responsibility for this all you can do is support each other and seek the professional help and I don't think your going a round about way to say you have a problem I would honestly stay clear of this on this forum I've seen a lot of negative comments from people and just wonder why they seem to have to be harmful and negative it's good to vent but equally you just need some honest reliable professional help xxx all the best c

I think your comments are very harsh, it is very rare to see negative comments on here. Most people speak from personal experience. There is also the point that this lady's husband is probably grieving over the loss of his sister. It certainly sounds as if he has PTSD and yes he needs professional help, and no his wife is not responsible for him, but if he was my husband I would do everything I could to aid his recovery. The fact that alcohol affects many people more quickly after WLS may have triggered dreadful memories for this man, and it may not be just flashbacks but actual reliving of these events in his mind. Alcoholism and PTSD destroy marriages and lives.

Lynn x

Crystalrainbow · Aug 6, 2015

I agree with lynn

this site is a life line to many..... imho nobody has been negative here .....

People ask for advise and people respond..... from their point of view and from personal experience ....no, not an expert here but an expert in suffering with PTSD

for 'me' living with someone who triggered my PTSD just wouldn't be helpful. Sometimes it helps to see the situation from the other side

I agree nobody is responsible for their OH demons, it is their battle to fight BUT Marriage is about loving and supporting each other thru thick and thin.......

This lady and her husband obviously need support here and I wish them both well x x x x x

vain · Aug 6, 2015

ladilindy said:
I think your comments are very harsh, it is very rare to see negative comments on here. Most people speak from personal experience. There is also the point that this lady's husband is probably grieving over the loss of his sister. It certainly sounds as if he has PTSD and yes he needs professional help, and no his wife is not responsible for him, but if he was my husband I would do everything I could to aid his recovery. The fact that alcohol affects many people more quickly after WLS may have triggered dreadful memories for this man, and it may not be just flashbacks but actual reliving of these events in his mind. Alcoholism and PTSD destroy marriages and lives. Lynn x

Yes Lynn I agree alcoholism and PTSD does ruin lives but it's not harsh to call people out trying to say to this lady that it's a marriage breaker and that she too my have a problem is not good it's negative and I totally disagree while most people on here tend to be supportive there are individuals on this forum that seem to deem it ok to judge and be negative I get that you think my response was harsh but this a fact that not all people committing are coming from a good place in part we need to realise not to judge or be negative as this is people's lives and like I said the best thing is professional help while sharing personal experience and good there's a fine line in sharing this and then giving advise which truly we should not as we are not professionals support and sharing experiences should just be that unfortunately like I said I have seen some nasty things said to people on this forum whom only want to be supported and it's truly soul destroying to be so negative as they say walk a mile in my shoes I appreciate your comment but just wanted to point out the comments made are I fact disgraceful x

jen1805 · Aug 6, 2015

vain said:
Yes Lynn I agree alcoholism and PTSD does ruin lives but it's not harsh to call people out trying to say to this lady that it's a marriage breaker and that she too my have a problem is not good it's negative and I totally disagree while most people on here tend to be supportive there are individuals on this forum that seem to deem it ok to judge and be negative I get that you think my response was harsh but this a fact that not all people committing are coming from a good place in part we need to realise not to judge or be negative as this is people's lives and like I said the best thing is professional help while sharing personal experience and good there's a fine line in sharing this and then giving advise which truly we should not as we are not professionals support and sharing experiences should just be that unfortunately like I said I have seen some nasty things said to people on this forum whom only want to be supported and it's truly soul destroying to be so negative as they say walk a mile in my shoes I appreciate your comment but just wanted to point out the comments made are I fact disgraceful x

I am sorry if I have offended you vain but I actually find your comments offensive, I have actually walked many miles in the shoes it took my husband years to admit he had a problem and his way of dealing with things was alcohol, it took him almost falling from scaffolding whilst having flashbacksat work to admit what he was going through and even after professional help ie psychological help, drugs, group therapy and cbt to name a few he still struggles on a day to day basis but he can now recognise his triggers and try to avoid them or at the very least use coping strategies, I am in no way an expert in PTSD but I have lived with it for 15 years, I do know that it is a living hell and I do know it is possible to learn to live with it, but it take guts, understanding and lots of love time and patience.

vain · Aug 6, 2015

Jen is was not ur comments at all and I understand everyone one has there own personal journey and experience and walk a mile I my shoes is that exactly you can't as each person is individual hence that comment I too was not being or trying to be offensive and if you have taken it that way am deeply sorry was not my intention I just wanted to point out that saying its a marriage breaker and that she indeed may have a drink problem is not ok so my apologies if this upset you in away it truly was not my intention as we all have our lives to lead and just feel it's a shame when people are quick to judge and put there 2 cents in some people come from a good place while others not xxx

weegie · Aug 6, 2015

skinimum said:
My husband has a mum and a sister who are alcoholics. His sister died this year aged 39 and his mum has been sober for 25 years He has flashbacks when I am tipsy and is now accusing me of being out of control. He has started reading every weight loss article about increased risk of becoming an alcoholic post RNY and then sending them to me I acknowledge that I react differently to alcohol now but I don't think it's a problem. He does think it's a problem. I am almost 2 yrs post op. Mostly when I drink I feel tipsy quickly then sober up quickly. Occasionally I get really squiffy and that's like a red rag to a bull. He has agreed to see someone about his flashbacks but he is so angry with me. I can't see its my fault what goes on in his head. Don't know what to do or where to turn.

In an ideal world families of alcoholics would have plenty of support, especially children. Unfortunately most just have to get on with it. The damage carries on into adulthood and never really goes away.

I don't know if your husband has tried AlAnon, http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ It is never too late to get support imo. These meetings can be life and yes marriage savers.

From your side I guess you could think about whether or not carrying on with drinking when it upsets your husband so much is worth it. He obviously worries about you. I am speaking from personal experience here. Try to step back a bit and see it from his point of view.

Good luck. Hugx

Yvessa · Aug 6, 2015

Let me put it this way, then. I can count on my hand the number of people who drink post op and are still successful at maintaining their weight loss and good health. There is a proven link between post op alcoholism due to something called transfer addiction. The OP needs to be aware of the risks, and no one is doing any harm pointing them out to her. As for her husbands issues, yes they are his to deal with. But when you take the vows you agree to shoulder burdens together, that's what marriage is. And while its not her responsibility to fix him, if she's not got an alcohol problem, in the short term she could cut back to support him.

jen1805 · Aug 6, 2015

vain said:
Jen is was not ur comments at all and I understand everyone one has there own personal journey and experience and walk a mile I my shoes is that exactly you can't as each person is individual hence that comment I too was not being or trying to be offensive and if you have taken it that way am deeply sorry was not my intention I just wanted to point out that saying its a marriage breaker and that she indeed may have a drink problem is not ok so my apologies if this upset you in away it truly was not my intention as we all have our lives to lead and just feel it's a shame when people are quick to judge and put there 2 cents in some people come from a good place while others not xxx

My apologies for taking it the wrong way it's a very sensitive subject, x

vain · Aug 6, 2015

jen1805 said:
My apologies for taking it the wrong way it's a very sensitive subject, x

ah Jen no need to apologise I can see it's a sensitive subject I just had enough of people judging others each to their own and I wish everyone a blessed life xxx

Alcohol and husbands!

skinimum

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Kar8858

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widdershins

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Crystalrainbow

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jen1805

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widdershins

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vain

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ladilindy

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Crystalrainbow

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vain

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jen1805

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vain

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weegie

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Yvessa

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jen1805

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vain

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