A.Positive
New Member
Well, today I weigh 8 stone 5 pounds and have a BMI OF 20.7. This is the lowest weight I have ever been. I am happy about it but because I have had so many issues and the rate at which I am loosing this weight, I feel like I should tone down any happiness that has come from seeing these "magic numbers".
My sister came to see me yesterday after not seeing me for 3 weeks and as soon as I opened the front door she told me how terrible I looked (never mind that I had just been discharged from hospital for what seemed like the 90th time). She told me that I needed to sort things out and proceeded to ask me not to die. My mother also thinks I look "rung out" but this comment was also made on the day was discharged and feeling weak and shaky. I just don't see why they feel that this kind of talk is helpful. I am already worn out by this process; I do everything I can to remain a force of positivity, to keep my mind focused on every silver lining. Worrying about their opinions is the last thing I want or need to concern myself with. That being said, I appreciate their worry. It must be hard to see me go from 18 stone 7lbs to 8 stone 5lbs in 8 months. To them its all too fast (well, to my Bariatric team too) and seems dangerous.
I am seeing a psychologist who is amazing. She has introduced me to Mindful Meditation which really helps me to calm down and live alongside my emotions now that I can no longer eat my way to "happiness". I was speaking with her today and she is really concerned about my fear of food which has arisen due to all the issues I have had post op. I told her that if I was given a pill that allowed me to eat that very minute, I couldn't promise that I would. I just can't bare the thought of food going into my body. Anything that doesn't get stuck feels awful as it makes its way to my stomach and then when its there, there is a dreadful heavy ache that sits there for hours. Its all too much.
I realise though, that I cannot continue like this. I know I need to eat but physically I don't know how I will get to that point. I have persevered and tried new foods as my team suggests but its damn near impossible to keep anything down and the fear that grips me when I think about the damage the vomiting may cause is crippling, so I have virtually stopped my attempts. The drinking with food didn't work either, (also suggested by my team); the food just expands or quite bizarrely, the fluid seems to go down and the food remains where it is!!! The Ensure shakes that my surgeon prescribed are now making me incredibly ill and so I have stopped drinking those and need to speak with my GP and see if there are any more I can try.
I just don't know how to feel any more and if I am totally honest I just want to ignore it just for a little while. I want to be "normal", just Alex. I don't want anyone telling me how great I look or how dreadful I look or how thin I am or asking me if I have managed to eat anything today. That's all people want to talk about. I don't want anyone forcing me to take medicine that makes me dump or drink shakes that make me so ill I need to lie down. They think, "OK well it makes you sick but surely you can just get it down you if it will help your to body heal"?! They don't understand and I have stopped trying to make them.
I don't know how this is going to end but regardless of what I have written here I am and will always be hopeful. I have to be in order to get through each day and be here heart and soul for my children.
My sister came to see me yesterday after not seeing me for 3 weeks and as soon as I opened the front door she told me how terrible I looked (never mind that I had just been discharged from hospital for what seemed like the 90th time). She told me that I needed to sort things out and proceeded to ask me not to die. My mother also thinks I look "rung out" but this comment was also made on the day was discharged and feeling weak and shaky. I just don't see why they feel that this kind of talk is helpful. I am already worn out by this process; I do everything I can to remain a force of positivity, to keep my mind focused on every silver lining. Worrying about their opinions is the last thing I want or need to concern myself with. That being said, I appreciate their worry. It must be hard to see me go from 18 stone 7lbs to 8 stone 5lbs in 8 months. To them its all too fast (well, to my Bariatric team too) and seems dangerous.
I am seeing a psychologist who is amazing. She has introduced me to Mindful Meditation which really helps me to calm down and live alongside my emotions now that I can no longer eat my way to "happiness". I was speaking with her today and she is really concerned about my fear of food which has arisen due to all the issues I have had post op. I told her that if I was given a pill that allowed me to eat that very minute, I couldn't promise that I would. I just can't bare the thought of food going into my body. Anything that doesn't get stuck feels awful as it makes its way to my stomach and then when its there, there is a dreadful heavy ache that sits there for hours. Its all too much.
I realise though, that I cannot continue like this. I know I need to eat but physically I don't know how I will get to that point. I have persevered and tried new foods as my team suggests but its damn near impossible to keep anything down and the fear that grips me when I think about the damage the vomiting may cause is crippling, so I have virtually stopped my attempts. The drinking with food didn't work either, (also suggested by my team); the food just expands or quite bizarrely, the fluid seems to go down and the food remains where it is!!! The Ensure shakes that my surgeon prescribed are now making me incredibly ill and so I have stopped drinking those and need to speak with my GP and see if there are any more I can try.
I just don't know how to feel any more and if I am totally honest I just want to ignore it just for a little while. I want to be "normal", just Alex. I don't want anyone telling me how great I look or how dreadful I look or how thin I am or asking me if I have managed to eat anything today. That's all people want to talk about. I don't want anyone forcing me to take medicine that makes me dump or drink shakes that make me so ill I need to lie down. They think, "OK well it makes you sick but surely you can just get it down you if it will help your to body heal"?! They don't understand and I have stopped trying to make them.
I don't know how this is going to end but regardless of what I have written here I am and will always be hopeful. I have to be in order to get through each day and be here heart and soul for my children.
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