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My Ramblings...

A.Positive

New Member
Well, today I weigh 8 stone 5 pounds and have a BMI OF 20.7. This is the lowest weight I have ever been. I am happy about it but because I have had so many issues and the rate at which I am loosing this weight, I feel like I should tone down any happiness that has come from seeing these "magic numbers".

My sister came to see me yesterday after not seeing me for 3 weeks and as soon as I opened the front door she told me how terrible I looked (never mind that I had just been discharged from hospital for what seemed like the 90th time). She told me that I needed to sort things out and proceeded to ask me not to die. My mother also thinks I look "rung out" but this comment was also made on the day was discharged and feeling weak and shaky. I just don't see why they feel that this kind of talk is helpful. I am already worn out by this process; I do everything I can to remain a force of positivity, to keep my mind focused on every silver lining. Worrying about their opinions is the last thing I want or need to concern myself with. That being said, I appreciate their worry. It must be hard to see me go from 18 stone 7lbs to 8 stone 5lbs in 8 months. To them its all too fast (well, to my Bariatric team too) and seems dangerous.

I am seeing a psychologist who is amazing. She has introduced me to Mindful Meditation which really helps me to calm down and live alongside my emotions now that I can no longer eat my way to "happiness". I was speaking with her today and she is really concerned about my fear of food which has arisen due to all the issues I have had post op. I told her that if I was given a pill that allowed me to eat that very minute, I couldn't promise that I would. I just can't bare the thought of food going into my body. Anything that doesn't get stuck feels awful as it makes its way to my stomach and then when its there, there is a dreadful heavy ache that sits there for hours. Its all too much.

I realise though, that I cannot continue like this. I know I need to eat but physically I don't know how I will get to that point. I have persevered and tried new foods as my team suggests but its damn near impossible to keep anything down and the fear that grips me when I think about the damage the vomiting may cause is crippling, so I have virtually stopped my attempts. The drinking with food didn't work either, (also suggested by my team); the food just expands or quite bizarrely, the fluid seems to go down and the food remains where it is!!! The Ensure shakes that my surgeon prescribed are now making me incredibly ill and so I have stopped drinking those and need to speak with my GP and see if there are any more I can try.

I just don't know how to feel any more and if I am totally honest I just want to ignore it just for a little while. I want to be "normal", just Alex. I don't want anyone telling me how great I look or how dreadful I look or how thin I am or asking me if I have managed to eat anything today. That's all people want to talk about. I don't want anyone forcing me to take medicine that makes me dump or drink shakes that make me so ill I need to lie down. They think, "OK well it makes you sick but surely you can just get it down you if it will help your to body heal"?! They don't understand and I have stopped trying to make them.

I don't know how this is going to end but regardless of what I have written here I am and will always be hopeful. I have to be in order to get through each day and be here heart and soul for my children.
 
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ICAWM

Member
Hi Alex

I'm sorry to hear things are still rubbish, but let's think about something else... What have you been doing since you last came out of hospital? How are the children? Have you drawn, written or designed at all?

There's more to you than this. Keep smiling xx
 

A.Positive

New Member
Hi Alex

I'm sorry to hear things are still rubbish, but let's think about something else... What have you been doing since you last came out of hospital? How are the children? Have you drawn, written or designed at all?

There's more to you than this. Keep smiling xx

I am always smiling but there are times when I just feel I need to speak about it all and you guys are the only ones who will understand it.

I have been writing a lot which really makes me happy. I have a Facebook page all about being positive, my life lessons and being Mindful, I started it today funnily enough. Now I can write, write, write and ease my soul. I use to write things on my personal timeline and I got so many private messages asking for life advice that I thought a page for just that might be a good idea.

The children are doing well generally. My 10 year old son is going to secondary school in September and my 4 year old daughter is about to start Reception. My 3 year old will be left behind at nursery and I am not sure how he will manage. On the day his sister had her introduction day at school he just couldn't understand why the couldn't be together and acted up badly at nursery which isn't like him at all. We'll just have to see how it goes.

I am not designing at the moment; writing seems to be where my head and heart are. Oh and cooking for my family; my children eat like jungle animals, its shocking! The run around constantly and are growing, so t really isn't that surprising but still I say it. Haha! I love cooking them wholesome, healthy meals and snacks and seeing them lap it all up. It warms my heart when they tell me how much they have enjoyed it.

How are you doing my lovely. Tell me what you have been up to. xxx
 
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ThinnerJemima

Here all the time.....
I hear you loud and clear :grouphugg:

Give it time, get your head sorted and when you are ready, and only you know when that is, you can move forward with decisions.

I've lived on milk for months and occasional soup. Short term, yes. Long term, no!

I had my lightbulb moment in March when I hit 62kg and looked like a corpse. I knew I had to accept what my surgeon was saying and move forward. Not been plain sailing as usual but the future is there now.
 

A.Positive

New Member
Hi Alex

I'm sorry to hear things are still rubbish, but let's think about something else... What have you been doing since you last came out of hospital? How are the children? Have you drawn, written or designed at all?

There's more to you than this. Keep smiling xx

I hear you loud and clear :grouphugg:

Give it time, get your head sorted and when you are ready, and only you know when that is, you can move forward with decisions.

I've lived on milk for months and occasional soup. Short term, yes. Long term, no!

I had my lightbulb moment in March when I hit 62kg and looked like a corpse. I knew I had to accept what my surgeon was saying and move forward. Not been plain sailing as usual but the future is there now.

Thank you Thinner. How are you doing ?

At this weight only my mum and sister think I look awful, everyone else or those that don't know me think I look just fine. I think I look fine. In fact a friend of my husbands came today (he hasn't seen me in months) and told me how fit and healthy I looked. But, to fill my head with the opinions of others is often dangerous which is why I try to look at myself objectively in the mirror from time to time.

My team are just worried at the rate in which I am losing and want it to stabilise now before its too late which is just around the corner. But even that doesn't make me want to eat, I am not scared of that side of things Thinner, its more the fear of food that ravages my thoughts.
 

ThinnerJemima

Here all the time.....
Your team see this every day and know what they are talking about. If you don't do something before it's too late, it will be too late. I got the liver failure death quite clearly and calmly spelled out to me by my surgeon. He wasn't scare mongering, just stating the facts :(

You have to be able to stabilise your weight, you have to be able to stop losing weight, you have to be able to eat a balanced nutritional meal, you have to be normal, your bloods have to be good. This isn't rocket science :( you should be able to sit down to a meal with the family and eat what they are having. Your children should have a role model.

But you have to be ready. Take some time. Chill. Only when you are ready will the next step be possible. Just don't leave it too long.
 

sophiapink100

Well-Known Member
Hey Hun,

Didn't want to read and run. You are so strong and positive, you have to be a bit selfish and put yourself first now. Get the guideline and help from your team and I wish you good health in the future x
 

Jaywill

New Member
Hea hunny, sending you healing and luv....My mind ran on you a few days ago wondering how are you getting on....really hope things settle soon....im praying your strength..xoxoxoxoxox
 

los in it

Well-Known Member
Have to say what an amazing frank and honest entry does it sound bad to say it was a joy to read? meaning that I took a lot from it especially even during the tough times how positive you have been
I very much look forward to your next entry
wishing you and your lovely family the very very best
 

A.Positive

New Member
Today we are spending the morning watching movies, "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" 1 and 2. My children never seem to tire of watching them and neither do I. Doing such simple things always makes me happy and I am 31 year old child at heart!

I really do appreciate your kind words of support and encouragement. Thinner, your words especially touched me. Being a positive role model for my children is so very important to me but I seem to have compartmentalised my hatred of food, and regularly bury the kicks of guilt I feel at not being able to guide them to a place where they can enjoy food in a healthy, happy way through my daily examples.

I have always believed that children learn from the consistent examples of those that are closest to them and right now I have adopted a "do as I say, not as I do" mindset with this single issue. Thankfully though, they seem to be "naturally normal" eaters. They adore fruit and veggies and other healthy snacks. They never turn their noses up and good, healthy home cooked food. They stop eating when they are satisfied and then go off to play until their tiny hearts are content.

I am being handed over to a community support professional that will give me some additional support while my Bariatric psychologist is on leave. Her hope is that I am given concentrated assistance, the kind that I might receive at a a facility dedicated to those with eating disorders. She feels that I need someone to sit with me and get me through each meal.

An eating disorder. I always thought that that was someone with Bulimia or Anorexia, someone that was skeletal in appearance. Someone that had bad teeth and hair and looked like death. Ignorance. I suppose I have a kind of Anorexia. But giving what I have makes me feel ashamed. This was not supposed to happen; I was mentally prepared for surgery, I had given up junk food and started to eat smaller portions; I was in control and now I am in free fall.

I need who ever is going to be guiding me through this process to appreciate the physical restrictions I have. Yes, there is fear of food but as I said, the way it feels as it enters my system is horrific for me and that is something they cannot make my brain come to terms with; that is an anatomical issue.

Well, that is me all talked and typed out for now. On with my day; a bit of cleaning, a bit of movie watching and then getting my slap on to visit my mum. Its her birthday tomorrow and we have made her cards, bought her wine and a selection of books. All her favourite things!

Happy Saturday gang! xx
 

mad midwife

New Member
I am also now 8st 3lbs with a BMI of 21.3, my friends and family have gone from wows, and compliments to "oh your too thin" you look ill, and I want to scream at them, I have a normal BMI and could loose another stone and a half and still be a "normal" weight, I have lost 6 stone 11 lbs in 9 months so much slower than you, I do eat but very healthily and small portions as I dump very easily, I am happy at the weight I am and would like to stop loosing very soon but how? I can't eat more or more fat or sugars due to dumping, I just wish people would see that this has not been an easy road and comments telling you that you look ill, gaunt, too thin, are so not helpful!!! If anything it makes me determined to loose more. I wish you very success in your future and positive vibes being sent your way xxx
 

ThinnerJemima

Here all the time.....
Alex, that is EXCELLENT news on getting support. Fingers ' toes crossed for you.

I found it irritating when my nearest and dearest were telling me I'd lost too much, gaunt etc. More than a few months later and a lightbulb moment, they were caring and right (makes me choke admitting that)
 

HelenAngelfish

Well-Known Member
Hey Alex,

I'm glad things are looking up for you and hopefully you'll be well under way to getting the help you need to be healthy!

I wish people would keep negative comments about people apperances to themselves... If they only realised it's what contributes to people turning to food and gaining weight or turning off food and losing weight!

I wish you all the luck in the world!! xx
 

A.Positive

New Member
I am also now 8st 3lbs with a BMI of 21.3, my friends and family have gone from wows, and compliments to "oh your too thin" you look ill, and I want to scream at them, I have a normal BMI and could loose another stone and a half and still be a "normal" weight, I have lost 6 stone 11 lbs in 9 months so much slower than you, I do eat but very healthily and small portions as I dump very easily, I am happy at the weight I am and would like to stop loosing very soon but how? I can't eat more or more fat or sugars due to dumping, I just wish people would see that this has not been an easy road and comments telling you that you look ill, gaunt, too thin, are so not helpful!!! If anything it makes me determined to loose more. I wish you very success in your future and positive vibes being sent your way xxx

Its such a tricky process and I hope you manage to find a way around it my love. I too am thinking of how I will stop the losses once I am able to get my eat normally (my day will come).

I wish you every luck in the world.
 

A.Positive

New Member
Everyone is a critic, its true which is why its so important for us to know ourselves; whether that come before surgery or after.
 

ICAWM

Member
Your positivity is a strength. You've picked up from other people's messages to you and I hope writing continues to provide that much needed outlet for you.

Great to hear about the kids! They grow up so fast, don't they. My boys are 14, just starting GCSEs and nearly 17, just left school. I'm not old enough surely!

I was due to have op on 13th Aug but they found some anomalies in gastroscopy last week so I've been postponed and will need further tests. I'm disappointed re op but terrified about what they might've found. It's the not knowing that's worst.

I wish you the best of health and happiness x
 

A.Positive

New Member
Your positivity is a strength. You've picked up from other people's messages to you and I hope writing continues to provide that much needed outlet for you.

Great to hear about the kids! They grow up so fast, don't they. My boys are 14, just starting GCSEs and nearly 17, just left school. I'm not old enough surely!

I was due to have op on 13th Aug but they found some anomalies in gastroscopy last week so I've been postponed and will need further tests. I'm disappointed re op but terrified about what they might've found. It's the not knowing that's worst.

I wish you the best of health and happiness x

I have everything crossed for you my love. I know it may not sound like much comfort now but everything happens for a reason. If you were not having such check due to surgery, this issue may never have been found! Please try your best not to worry. Do you know when the other tests will take place yet?
 

A.Positive

New Member
Today was a mixed day. I have been getting a lot of positive feedback from my positive Facebook posts; they are essays really but people take the time to read them and then send me messages. They want guidance and ask for ways that they too can begin to think and live positively. I feel so encouraged and humbled by it. I don't think I am doing anything exceptional; I have my own battles to fight and do so daily. But I do all I can to practice what I preach.

Eating wise, I am in a bit of a mess. After literally dragging my body around for the last few days, I sat down in front of a selection of full fat/sugary foods and went to town. I gagged, I vomited and then went back and ate some more. I wept, I gagged, I vomited, then tried to eat some more. I vomited and then I wept and wept and wept; I couldn't even taste this stuff, it felt revolting in my mouth and as it went down. I was and still am extremely ill as a result and I am sure as the evening wears on I will start to see sugar seep from my pours! I know it makes very little sense but none of this does (to me anyway) and the more my team look at me in bewilderment the more confused and desperate I become. I just wanted a way to beat my sleeve into submission! No matter how ridiculous that may seem to some. Needless to say, I won't be doing this again. Its as it has always been; food just won't go down.

It may not be on show but there are times when it really does grip me, as it did today. I/Steve the Sleeve will be fine; I know its OK to be scared. I have an appointment tomorrow to have my gut hormones tested. This may be the cause of it all and if it is, they can fix it. Yayyyyyyyy!
 

ThinnerJemima

Here all the time.....
Sending hugs Alex. I tried my 'just get this down' last Saturday, mine was black pudding LOL.

Hope they find something !
 
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