Should I Tell???

[Pandora_150]

Hay everyone,

Its great that there are people on here I can talk to about this, as I have only told my partner (and by accident my brother) about me applying for funding. Now that I have been approved the question of who I tell is really hitting home!

I still live at home (as I am a struggling, poor student) and so my parents are still in my life quite a bit; but I feel I can't tell them anything about what I am going through as I know they wouldn't be supportive.

My mother is anorexic and my father has this notion that any show of feelings or a need of 'outside' help is a sign of weakness. They both believe that I have caused this problem and that I should be the one to change it: on my own.

I don't know what to do, as I know a lot of people will tell me just to tell them as they might surprise me. I was contemplating this, however, days later the first thing out of my brothers mouth when he accidentally found out about this was: "Don't tell Mum and Dad, they won't understand"!

I know I am going to have to tell them at some point as I don't believe that with us living in such close quarters that I could keep something like this from them.

Now I have received confirmation about the funding I am struggling with this decision. My head tells me I should say something, but my heart just doesn't want to be further rejected by them.

Is there any advice out there???

 

[Mrs V]

Firstly Huni, this really will become a problem for you hiding it from them after the first stage of the operation. Are you having a band or a bypass??
I know when I had my band last March, I wasin a lot of pain, took pain killers and had 2 days off work to recover and then when I did go back I had to take it easy. Surely your parents are going to notice this if nothing else.
If you feel at the moment that you really cant face telling them then perhaps tell them after the operation.
Do you really want to go through this alone? I was lucky that I had Hubby to support me and my parents were fantastic about it - well Im a determined person anyway so they knew that they couldnt dissuade me.
At the end of the day it really is your decision, but if your parents love you, they will come to terms with this even if they dont understand straight away.

Kerry-Ann
xx

 

[Rising_Sun]

Hi Pandora and :welcome: to the board.

For your question as to who to tell, I thought you might like to get stuck into fern-britton-syndrome-aka-do-i-tell-world-keep-myself.html where the ? has been discussed.

Congratulations on getting your funding.
xxx

 

[donnax658]

How very sad for you. I guess I am very very lucky that I have amazing support from family and friends ( apart from the usual *that's cheating* and *that's the easy way out comments* ) and I find it very sad that people close to you wouldn't want to show you love and support through this.
Ok look.....we all know we didn't wake up one day and find all this extra weight had suddenly appeared from nowhere....but the fact of the matter is.....we are all doing this, by whichever means we have chosen to make it better. To make sure that future major health issues are less likely to happen and to live the kind of live we all crave. Why oh why can't everyone just be happy for us?
i know that some people may be scared of what *could* happen but we are not going into this with our eyes shut. We know the risks and complications yet it's still our choice to make.
I can't advise you about who you should tell but please know that you will always have us to support and listen to you xx

 

[prinny]

Hi I read your post and then went back to read the Fern post. The thing which annoys me most (I feel a rant coming lol) is that if we had lost the weight on a diet without surgery people are usually so supportive yet whenever people mention surgery they just assume it's some magic cure and the weight drops off like lumps of lard behind you!
My friends aunt had surgery. My friend is a nice girl we go to keep fit/healthy living classes together but when she heard about her aunts surgery she was really nasty about it. Calling her aunt saying she has taken the easy route etc...My friend and others seem to think they can be disrespectful of the way she lost her weight. I knew at that point I would be telling no one!
Why should we put up with that when in fact we are ( i am going to) be on a restrictive diet for the rest of our lives? We put ourselves through the pain and risk of surgery, many have to pay a hell of a lot to have it done and then to be called for doing it!
I would rather not say, and take the compliments that we deserve for going through it all. If people ask me I am going to say I have reduced my portion sizes and avoid certain foods now. That is still telling the truth.
My parents are the same they would grind me down about it putting extra stress and pressure on me at a time when I really dont need it.
You know your parents so just think about it hard. You have the support of your partner at the end of the day and your brother. If you think they will support you after a while tell them, if not I wouldn't personally tell them before I had it done but thats me.
I am speaking from experience here. I had the money five years ago to have this op done, told my parents etc... they all put me off scared me with danger stories begged me to think of the kids. Here I am five years later with arthritis in my knees due to my weight and a whole host of other probs. I was such a fool to let them dissuade me. Rant over lol.
Regards Prinny.xxx

 

[Rising_Sun]

Pandora, I've been thinking a bit more about your predicament. I do feel that you need to tell your parents especially since you live in the same house. Sit them down and tell them matter of factly that this is the path you've chosen with the support of your GP/Consultant. You may be surprised with a supportive response. If not, answer any questions, ask for their support. If they refuse or are unable to give it, tell them that you hope they will find a way to support you in the future.

I agree with Prinny above and I've personally chosen not to tell anyone apart from my sister and partner. I may review this after surgery but I feel the fewer people in the know before the surgery, the better.

xxx

 

[Sambucca]

I have to say Pandora, I agree with Plus. THey are going to know as they live in the house with you. I suggest you give them the bospa.org details so they can look it up for themselves and understand what you are having done.

Make it clear that you do not need their permission, but that you do need their support as you will need some looking after for a few days when you leave hospital.

good luck hun xx

 

[serenitylove]

my answer depend on what op your having if it a band it not a seriously big op your home next day so i dont think there such a big need to tell them if it bypass your going to need more help postop if you tell them befor hand is upto you, personally if your mum is anorexic then there maybe a few more feelings about you loosing weight! if you really feel you cant tell them the day you go into hosp leave them a letter expaining what your having done and your reasons why it sometimes alot easier to express yourself this way if you dont have the type of relationships that you can explain it face to face

 

[teen]

Its very sad that you dont think you have the support you need, and I would have hated going through it all. My partener didnt want me to have it done at first and up to the night I went in he didnt want me to have it but he has been great now and relised thats what I wanted and what I needed. You are the only one thats knows your parents and you will work out what is right for you and if they love you they will be there for you weather they agree or not. Take care

 

[cazbandy]

Hi there

I have read you post and one thing has also cropped up in my mind.

You say you have received funding, so I am assuming that you are going down the NHS route??

One thing that will happene is you will have to see a Multi Disciplinary Team, part of which involves a psychological review. I can tell you from my experience, and maybe others can too, is they ask about your relationships with parents.

I do think you need to tell your parents, living with them will mean you need their support and understanding afterwards.

Please do not get me wrong but it sounds like the whole family could do with some help prior to you having this operation, maybe this is a time where you can all help each other by getting it all out in the open.

I am worried that is your mother sees you eating less she will think she has permission to restrict further, which could be very detrimental long term for you and for her.

I know you really want to go ahead but I would consider getting help first, it will make the journey far smoother and help with long term success.

Be brave, be strong and talk with them.

 

[serenitylove]

Hi there

I have read you post and one thing has also cropped up in my mind.

You say you have received funding, so I am assuming that you are going down the NHS route??

One thing that will happene is you will have to see a Multi Disciplinary Team, part of which involves a psychological review. I can tell you from my experience, and maybe others can too, is they ask about your relationships with parents.

I do think you need to tell your parents, living with them will mean you need their support and understanding afterwards.

Please do not get me wrong but it sounds like the whole family could do with some help prior to you having this operation, maybe this is a time where you can all help each other by getting it all out in the open.

I am worried that is your mother sees you eating less she will think she has permission to restrict further, which could be very detrimental long term for you and for her.

I know you really want to go ahead but I would consider getting help first, it will make the journey far smoother and help with long term success.

Be brave, be strong and talk with them.

not all nhs clinics do pyscological testing mine didnt never mentioned only saw surgeon nurse and dietician

 

[LancsLass2]

Hi Pandora, can`t really add anything different to the others but didn`t want to read and run. As others have said on here both a band and a bypass are going to be very hard to keep from your parents - especially when you live together. A bypass more so as its a much bigger procedure. I can understand your reasons to keep it quiet as I too, have told no one apart from my husband. Probably the reason being negative reactions from people. I think that people ( on the outside ) think that it is a quick fix and don`t realise how hard it actually is. You still have to exercise and watch what u eat, its just a helpful tool!! I have a few friends who r actually alot bigger than me and I know that there reaction too will probably b worst than most, especially when I`m not there, but I know this is down to jealousy alone. Good luck with your weight loss journey and keep us all up to date with whatever u decide to do xxx

 

[Silversurfer]

Hi Pandora

I've read your post a few times now and wanted to reply but wasn't really sure how to or how to construct a helpful reply.

My initial thoughts were more out of anger for your situation, thinking you should just do the op and dont tell them, you seem to have the support of your brother and if he's willing to see you through the op stage then you could play your parents as you go along. When they eventually find out what you've done it will be too late, and when you explain you didn't feel you could talk to them they may see what they are doing to you.

I know for me my parents would have been devastated if i'd not told them, but thats because i have a close family, i ended up sitting down with them both with the literature and facts to hand and going through it with them, they contibuted a significant amount in my up bringing and i felt they needed to be part of this.
However the decision was mine, no one was going to sway me or put me of, i was doing this and for my own reasons and no one elses.

Sorry i cant really be of much help, this is a difficult thing and as others have said your going to need an amount of support post op, if its only someone to talk too !

Good luck with which ever way you decide to go.

 

[mandy130]

Hello Pandora,

Im very sorry for the situation you are in....I feel pretty much the same as silversurfer, I was able to tell my family but I have been very picky as to which friends I have told. I now only tell the people that actually mean something to me, the rest dont count and nor does there opinion.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do hun!

Mandy x

 

[ditzyangeluk]

It's a matter of personal choice but, personally, I tell anyone & everyone!!

 

[hopelesscase]

my answer depend on what op your having if it a band it not a seriously big op your home next day so i dont think there such a big need to tell them if it bypass your going to need more help postop

serenitylove i would love to know why people think that the recovery for a bypass is much worse than the band. If it were an open proceedure yes but for keyhole it really sounds as though bypasseres have the less painful recovery as we dont have the problems with port placement and having to keep reajusting to restrictions after each fill.

Pandora
i personally believe that honesty is the best policy. i know i dont know yr family but from what you have written is it possiable thet yr parents problems are possiably a cause for your weight problems. I dont believe that anyone here has caused their weight problems them selves i feel that thre is always an underlying cause wether it be fmily values(eat it all up there are starving children out there) or much deeper reasons that cause us to become emotional eaters.
Now that your funding is in place so that you know for definate that you will be having it done maybe now is the time to sit your parents down and explaine to them that for once in yr life you are going to do something for you to address yr problems and even though they feel that you have caused them yourself. maybe if you could get yr mum to go along to the appointments with you it may help her understand why you are choosing this desperate and life prolonging route to protect yr health.
take care and look after yourself
hc

 

[BREN]

Pandora

After reading your post it would be benefical for you to seek some pre op counselling as your need to be in a good mind set for seeing your choice through. Judging by your post you are already having upsetting issues (to tell or not to tell the folks) playing on your mind.

Definitely think that you should confide in you OH, do you think he will be supportive?

You really want this and I think that you should definitely go through with it as you are doing this for yourself (your health and mind). Perhaps when you confide in your OH he will help you (if you decide to) tell your parents.

Best of luck in your decision and smile, you are looking forward to a new you, don't loose sight of this!

Brenda
X

 

[hopelesscase]

Pandora

After reading your post it would be benefical for you to seek some pre op counselling as your need to be in a good mind set for seeing your choice through. Judging by your post you are already having upsetting issues (to tell or not to tell the folks) playing on your mind.

Definitely think that you should confide in you OH, do you think he will be supportive?

You really want this and I think that you should definitely go through with it as you are doing this for yourself (your health and mind). Perhaps when you confide in your OH he will help you (if you decide to) tell your parents.

Best of luck in your decision and smile, you are looking forward to a new you, don't loose sight of this!

Brenda
X

Pandora hope fully your surgeon will recommend a psycological assessment as this is the norm in lots of areas(i found it really helpful and it has put me in such a good place) but if its not mentioned ask.
hc

 

[Pandora_150]

Thanks for all the helpful replys!

I do not have any doubts about the surgery or what it will help me to achieve. And from the information I have gathered I am leaning towards having the band rather than the bypass; mostly due to the open and invasive nature of the bypass. However, I will wait for the Surgeons profesional opinion before I make that decision final.

I have also made a decision: I am telling them today. I will sit them down and first off tell them to listen to what I have to say in its entirity before they ask any questions. I really do hope they will be supportive as changing my life for the better is important to me.

I am telling them now, because if they have trouble adjusting or accepting my decision they will hopefully have time to come to terms with it before I go through with my surgery.

My partner is completely supportive of me, whatever I decide to do. I know that I have him behind me 100% and so I have the support I need to make this happen succesfully. I just don't want the dissapointment and dissaproval from my parents in the background.

Oh, and my brother is NOT supportive. He believes I haven't tried enough... I am taking the easy route... I have to try harder... He has tried everything to diswade me from going down this path. I know he loves me and he thinks he has my best interest at heart, but it is my decision and he does not realise what I go through everday with diets, VLCD... And to top it all off he doesn't realise just how much my Hypothyroidism has effected me over the past 5 years.

 

[Elie]

Hi Pandora

I have been following your thread, although I am not going to have weightloss surgery.

I wanted to wish you good luck for today, and I hope your parents understand. But if they don't, you've to remember that you're living your life for yourself, that you're free and a responsible adult. And ultimately, you know you're doing what you think is the right thing for you.

People who say that surgery is an "easy route" really have no idea of what this type of surgery (any surgery actually) involves.

Good luck Pandora, and well done on wanting to change your life for the better

Elie xoxo