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What Shall I Do?
- Thread starter Rosabel
- Start date
Neen
WLS Moderator
Well your Dad obviously believes in you but he really needs to stop putting the pressure on you as well.
Unfortunately, him getting stressed about you having surgery is really like an indirect emotional blackmail...not suggesting it's his intent for one minute...but that's what effect it's having on you because it's throwing you into this huge dilemma and making your insecurities worse.
I have the same problems with going out and about and I know the slightest thing is enough for me to put off going somewhere..even somewhere important like a hospital appointment.
I can share some emotional eating hypnosis with you in the time being but I get the feeling from reading between the lines here, that even if you talk to your dad and have a heart to heart, he will not accept your wishes for surgery and you will come out of the conversation no further on, plus most likely you will buckle under the pressure to do it all yourself and get worse.
Talk to your doctor about your emotional eating problems and explain how much the weight is putting your life on hold...maybe you can get councelling to help you feel better about yourself in the meantime.
Also with the impact on your whole life as it is at the moment, maybe the doc can help you with a new appeal.
If you can look into funding the op yourself as well as some places have finance plans now.
Don't write yourself off because you have lost weight..you just start doubting yourself...one occasion is not the end of your weight loss...at the moment you are very all or nothing about what you have achieved.
Just take a day at a time and concentrate on that one day.
You can regroup and stop any backtracking if you take that one day at a time approach xxxx
Unfortunately, him getting stressed about you having surgery is really like an indirect emotional blackmail...not suggesting it's his intent for one minute...but that's what effect it's having on you because it's throwing you into this huge dilemma and making your insecurities worse.
I have the same problems with going out and about and I know the slightest thing is enough for me to put off going somewhere..even somewhere important like a hospital appointment.
I can share some emotional eating hypnosis with you in the time being but I get the feeling from reading between the lines here, that even if you talk to your dad and have a heart to heart, he will not accept your wishes for surgery and you will come out of the conversation no further on, plus most likely you will buckle under the pressure to do it all yourself and get worse.
Talk to your doctor about your emotional eating problems and explain how much the weight is putting your life on hold...maybe you can get councelling to help you feel better about yourself in the meantime.
Also with the impact on your whole life as it is at the moment, maybe the doc can help you with a new appeal.
If you can look into funding the op yourself as well as some places have finance plans now.
Don't write yourself off because you have lost weight..you just start doubting yourself...one occasion is not the end of your weight loss...at the moment you are very all or nothing about what you have achieved.
Just take a day at a time and concentrate on that one day.
You can regroup and stop any backtracking if you take that one day at a time approach xxxx
Neen
WLS Moderator
OK you need to tell your dads partner straight that what she is saying is having the opposite effect on you. I know when I was at my heaviest, I was trying to bully myself into action , telling myself if I loved my kids I would get slim and be healthy for them...the more closely connected people are to you doesn't make it more possible..it piles on guilt and more self loathing...so I know where you are coming from....you feel you should do it to show the depth of your love and tear yourself apart for not being able to...even for someone precious to you.
Been there hun xx
It won't work that way.
If I can do anything at all to keep you going on a daily basis I will...take it that one day at a time. Plan for a treat day once a week to satisfy the cookie monster inside and pick 1 thing you like about yourself and concentrate on that.
You will not get anywhere focusing on all the negative and all the stuff stacked against you...but if you change what you focus on and persevere with councelling or hypnosis then you will.
I have had many short bursts of councelling in my life...usually write it off if I don't click with the therapist...finding one you can connect with comfortably will transform the experience. It's the same with hypnosis and everything else in that vein. I keep trying new ones...then when they no longer seem to be effective , I swap to something else.
It's perhaps a combination of many small things to give you what you need personally to help you make some positive changes.
Get talking to your dads partner.... I hope she means well and is just trying to appeal to your realtionship with your dad to motivate you, in which case she is just guessing what might get you focused....obviously it's making matters worse so tell her so and give her the opportunity to put things right and support you in a more helpful way. Tell her what will help and see how that goes.
If you need me to be here daily, then come on here daily and we'll tackle what crops up there and then.
You are capable of doing this and here we can help you objectively every step . I'm here every day so please let me help x
Been there hun xx
It won't work that way.
If I can do anything at all to keep you going on a daily basis I will...take it that one day at a time. Plan for a treat day once a week to satisfy the cookie monster inside and pick 1 thing you like about yourself and concentrate on that.
You will not get anywhere focusing on all the negative and all the stuff stacked against you...but if you change what you focus on and persevere with councelling or hypnosis then you will.
I have had many short bursts of councelling in my life...usually write it off if I don't click with the therapist...finding one you can connect with comfortably will transform the experience. It's the same with hypnosis and everything else in that vein. I keep trying new ones...then when they no longer seem to be effective , I swap to something else.
It's perhaps a combination of many small things to give you what you need personally to help you make some positive changes.
Get talking to your dads partner.... I hope she means well and is just trying to appeal to your realtionship with your dad to motivate you, in which case she is just guessing what might get you focused....obviously it's making matters worse so tell her so and give her the opportunity to put things right and support you in a more helpful way. Tell her what will help and see how that goes.
If you need me to be here daily, then come on here daily and we'll tackle what crops up there and then.
You are capable of doing this and here we can help you objectively every step . I'm here every day so please let me help x
Neen
WLS Moderator
I think it's difficult being the one with the weight problem in a family...and I also recognise the feeling of being the one who everyone tries to encourage to lose the weight.
I think they just want the best for you and are a bit misguided.
People who don't struggle with their weight cannot walk in your shoes and realise how hard it is, to them it is straight forward and yes in theory, eating healthy and exercising IS simple..but in practice, not quite like that!
I have to tell you, what you do most of the time is what matters..if you have a set calorie allowance all week and one day to have a treat or two, I can assure you that you will still lose weight.
If you drop everything and go completely the opposite food wise as soon as you get a day where you make a mistake or are simply a little hungrier..then that is what is trapping you in this cycle of regain and punishment.
How about do the Rosemary Conley type diet with me?
I have lost 8lbs in the first 2 weeks.
Have a couple weeks on 1200 cals a day with the emphasis on low fat as possible.
Then for your current weight , the amount of calories in her book is about 1800 a day!
You could try 1600 as a mid level figure that you stay around for a week and see what happens.
If you concentrate on getting below say 20 stone first as your goal and then decide on a new small goal as you reach that.
I lost the first 8lbs by using the calorie limit monday to friday and having pretty much what I fancied on the weekend.
If you are scared , just have one day off to help you keep going.
What we have to do is get you out of the all or nothing approach, believe me as I know from experience amongst other things, one day off a week will help you stick to a plan long term AND will actually stop your metabolism from sticking too low.
What you do most of the week is important here. It is much better to have 5 or 6 days of light healthy eating and one day off for a treat than it is to be super strict for 2 weeks and then throw everything away for one tiny bit of food you didn't want to eat followed by throwing yourself into another week or two of flat out bingeing.
It is little wonder you feel so bad.
As someone who is learning/learnt recently to break out of that craziness after years and years of pain and upset..I want to let you know you can as well.
I would add as well hun, that yes surgery helps to a degree, but even bypassers put weight back on if they don't get this food relationship right in their heads....you work on your self trust and self esteem and with or without surgery, you will find that you can lose it and feel happy in your own body...not be bothered by what others think and want to cherish and love yourself by feeding it good food and exercising to improve your fitness.
If it helps , I would suggest having a little distance between you and your relatives for a little while because you need to build up your resolve and self confidence as at the moment they are chipping away at you.
I also think your dad needs to stop his behaviour as tugging on your heart strings is iresponsible for a parent and he needs to tough up and support you rather than make you feel bad all the time.
I think they just want the best for you and are a bit misguided.
People who don't struggle with their weight cannot walk in your shoes and realise how hard it is, to them it is straight forward and yes in theory, eating healthy and exercising IS simple..but in practice, not quite like that!
I have to tell you, what you do most of the time is what matters..if you have a set calorie allowance all week and one day to have a treat or two, I can assure you that you will still lose weight.
If you drop everything and go completely the opposite food wise as soon as you get a day where you make a mistake or are simply a little hungrier..then that is what is trapping you in this cycle of regain and punishment.
How about do the Rosemary Conley type diet with me?
I have lost 8lbs in the first 2 weeks.
Have a couple weeks on 1200 cals a day with the emphasis on low fat as possible.
Then for your current weight , the amount of calories in her book is about 1800 a day!
You could try 1600 as a mid level figure that you stay around for a week and see what happens.
If you concentrate on getting below say 20 stone first as your goal and then decide on a new small goal as you reach that.
I lost the first 8lbs by using the calorie limit monday to friday and having pretty much what I fancied on the weekend.
If you are scared , just have one day off to help you keep going.
What we have to do is get you out of the all or nothing approach, believe me as I know from experience amongst other things, one day off a week will help you stick to a plan long term AND will actually stop your metabolism from sticking too low.
What you do most of the week is important here. It is much better to have 5 or 6 days of light healthy eating and one day off for a treat than it is to be super strict for 2 weeks and then throw everything away for one tiny bit of food you didn't want to eat followed by throwing yourself into another week or two of flat out bingeing.
It is little wonder you feel so bad.
As someone who is learning/learnt recently to break out of that craziness after years and years of pain and upset..I want to let you know you can as well.
I would add as well hun, that yes surgery helps to a degree, but even bypassers put weight back on if they don't get this food relationship right in their heads....you work on your self trust and self esteem and with or without surgery, you will find that you can lose it and feel happy in your own body...not be bothered by what others think and want to cherish and love yourself by feeding it good food and exercising to improve your fitness.
If it helps , I would suggest having a little distance between you and your relatives for a little while because you need to build up your resolve and self confidence as at the moment they are chipping away at you.
I also think your dad needs to stop his behaviour as tugging on your heart strings is iresponsible for a parent and he needs to tough up and support you rather than make you feel bad all the time.
Last edited:
sugga
New Member
Hi Rosabel, i have just read your thread and just want to say that Neen is remarkable and gives valid advise.
As i said earlier im due my bypass very soon and even though i am pre op at the moment i wouldnt change my decision for the world.
You have to start thinking of yourself and put yourself first.
Once you have made that decision it will become easier for you. Im not saying it will be easy as the ups and downs of wls are not easy, but at least you will have made your decision and that will be half the battle won.
I am thinking of you and dont hesitate to pm me anytime love xxxx
As i said earlier im due my bypass very soon and even though i am pre op at the moment i wouldnt change my decision for the world.
You have to start thinking of yourself and put yourself first.
Once you have made that decision it will become easier for you. Im not saying it will be easy as the ups and downs of wls are not easy, but at least you will have made your decision and that will be half the battle won.
I am thinking of you and dont hesitate to pm me anytime love xxxx
Neen
WLS Moderator
That quote from your dad hun
That's a terrible thing for him to say darling x
Try to have something of a break from family as I said, especially in light of comments like that.
I promise you that you will be fine on the plan I suggested and it is a lot less damaging than what you have been doing both mentally and physically xxxx
Keep in touch OK , maybe start a diary so we can support you on a daily basis. I am here pretty much everyday so we can go through everything as and when it happens daily and see if we can't get you a successful couple of weeks x
That's a terrible thing for him to say darling xTry to have something of a break from family as I said, especially in light of comments like that.
I promise you that you will be fine on the plan I suggested and it is a lot less damaging than what you have been doing both mentally and physically xxxx
Keep in touch OK , maybe start a diary so we can support you on a daily basis. I am here pretty much everyday so we can go through everything as and when it happens daily and see if we can't get you a successful couple of weeks x
Rosabel
New Member
Thank you so much Beverlie,much appreciated xxxx
Rosabel
New Member
Thank you Neen,i am starting the health(ier) eating plan tomorrow. Cant really keep my distance from family as they come to visit me all the time haha. At the end of the day,i do realise they want what is best for me,but i guess they will never know what it is like to be in my shoes,they just try their best to support me even though alot of the time it has the opposite effect. I know somehere deep inside me i CAN fight this,but yet again i battle with myself thinking,if i havent managed to di it yet after all these years,whats going to change me? Hence why i first went down the surgery route.Thanks again xxxThat quote from your dad hun
Try to have something of a break from family as I said, especially in light of comments like that.
I promise you that you will be fine on the plan I suggested and it is a lot less damaging than what you have been doing both mentally and physically xxxx
Keep in touch OK , maybe start a diary so we can support you on a daily basis. I am here pretty much everyday so we can go through everything as and when it happens daily and see if we can't get you a successful couple of weeks x
SacredSilence
Peter Facinelli & I
Sending you some hugs x
Good luck for when you start on your journey for WLS again Xxx
Good luck for when you start on your journey for WLS again Xxx
yorkiegal
Baxter's mum
I really feel for you. I'm in a similiar boat with my dad and stepmum. I know they think they are being supportive but I feel under immense pressure to lose the weight, especially now that dad is sick. For years I used to hate going to see him because he always commented on how fat I was. I remember being forced to have weekly weigh ins with him when I was 14 and how humiliated I felt. He's never struggled with his weight and has great self control. Maybe it's from being a war baby and growing up with rationing lol. My stepmum is one of those people who is always on some sort of diet but doesn't actually need to lose weight. But even with her, my dad makes comments if she gains a couple of pounds. Sometimes I just want to remind him of how I probably wouldn't have developed an eating disorder in the first place if it wasn't for him and mums attitude to weight gain during my childhood. But I have to keep my mouth shut.
Grace
New Member
I also know from experience the destructive influence loved ones can have by piling on the pressure about weight. In addition to all of Neen's amazing support and advice, I would say: the only person you can truly do this for is YOU.
I totally get how you feel jealous about people who've had surgery and are losing weight, but honey, even with a bypass, its tough if your head isn't in the right place. I had my bypass in August and I already know this Christmas is going to be incredibly tough for me...as I WANT to pig out but can't!
If I don't get my head around this it will make me very depressed....so even if you do decide to try to go back down the surgery route....I promise you that without the right mindset you would struggle.
Do what you can for yourself NOW honey. Don't give in to emotional blackmail, even though unintentional. You need to be tough for YOU!
Big hugs,
Grace xxx
I totally get how you feel jealous about people who've had surgery and are losing weight, but honey, even with a bypass, its tough if your head isn't in the right place. I had my bypass in August and I already know this Christmas is going to be incredibly tough for me...as I WANT to pig out but can't!
If I don't get my head around this it will make me very depressed....so even if you do decide to try to go back down the surgery route....I promise you that without the right mindset you would struggle.
Do what you can for yourself NOW honey. Don't give in to emotional blackmail, even though unintentional. You need to be tough for YOU!
Big hugs,
Grace xxx
