has any banders self sabotaged?

[weight loss hopeful]

I feel myself being drawn to the bad foods that brought me to this, my last resort. I feel like I dont deserve to be any thinner or happier. I did this for my children primarily, and to ensure my health does not deteriorate. My doctor warned me about diabetes, arthritis, sleep apnea etc. I do not have any of these yet but do have high colesterol. So i did this to prevent the start of these creeping up on me.

I am getting increasingly concerned for my psychological health. This is a lot more worrying than before the surgery for me. I have never had any mental health issues in my life, but that doesn't mean I never will. I may be worrying about nothing, but this strong desire to self sabotage feels like it has psychological roots.

I have always felt safe as a fat adult. I think I fear male attention as I was raped in my early 20s.:wave_cry: Self sabotage would keep me fat and unattractive to men. Its a kind of protection for me being fat.

Has anyone ot any advice for me? I only have my partner to talk to about this, as if i told my parents they would be devastated, so a fresh opinion would be gratefully received. Thank you all for your support it means alot to me.

Take care R x :sigh:

 

[LizzieBee]

Hi :hug99:
So sad to read about your attack when you were 20, I suffered a similar experience when I was 16. I recently spent some time seeing a psychologist to sort through the trauma and emotional baggage - took me 20+ years to face up to it! I am now ready to lose my armour (fat!) and (finally!!!!) live as I deserve - happy & healthy!
Perhaps some counselling might help? With something as severe as rape, we are not able to recover without some help - some people supress the effects quite well but the brave seek help.
I know how scary it is to even consider opening that box of sadness that you spend so much energy trying to keep tightly closed. All I can say is that the feelings of freedom I now have are wonderful, I cannot say it doesn't bite me from time to time but there is no guilt, no fear and I don't feel dirty anymore.
It sounds as though your partner is supportive which is great. My bloke was there for me throughout the therapy, as it does get a little worse before it gets better as you start to look at your emotions & memories, but he saw it as an investment for both of us.
Whatever you decide to do - lots of luck :hug99:
Lxxx

 

[Brunetteandred]

Hi WLS :hug99:

Self-sabotaging is a familiar thing to anyone who has issues with food. We use food as a crutch to lean on or something to fill a void that should be closed or filled with something non-calorific.

You sound typical of someone who does not feel themselves worthy of anything good.

The trauma you suffered and the lack of closure from it is the void you try and fill.

In essence, the ghost from your past is sabotaging you, not you. But you beat yourself up 'because you are not worthy' and so the cycle continues.

As one who suffered trauma at the hands and whim of a male relative all through childhood, I would strongly urge you to speak to your GP who can give you access to counselling or find an independent, qualified and registered counsellor.

In the meantime, try some distraction techniques. Boredom will often allow the demons to invade our consciousness which triggers the sabotaging. Take a walk to walk away from them. Listen to some music and have a gentle dance around your living room. Even swaying from side to side is quite comforting!

PM me if you want to chat any.

Lots of big hugs in the meantime :hug99:

 

[tesmaralda]

As the other 2 have said you need to sort out your past before you can tackle and embrace your future. There is no shame in seeing a counsellor its not even saying that we have mental issues its sorting our house out and putting it in order so that we can live the rest of our lives without self hate and fear. If we have a tooth ache we see a dentist, if we have a problem with our body we see a dr, if our car has a fault we take it to a mechanic, but if our head is shot to pieces what do we do? Nothing we bury it in the sand like an ostrich.
being over weight is your security blanket, but you need help to prepare yourself for not having or wanting it anymore. Many counsellors have been through traumatic experiences themselves and that why they became one. They don't judge, blame or make you feel worthless and just wasting their time by being there.

Sometime its lack of courage that stops us from seeking help, but if you have the courage to go through wls then you definately have the courage to see a counsellor.

Sorry if I ve rambled on but I hope it helps.

 

[j.u.s.t.l.i.z.]

i agree with you both that counciling could be the answer to help you cope, they can learn you techniques to cope when things get tough for you, and they can help you understand and cope with the sabotage thoughts that you have been having. i hope things work out for you and things become brighter.

best wishes

liz x

 

[serenitylove]

my issues come from a very violent relationship i lived in and i still have urges to eat rubbish and iv had therapy and the full works i found by not dieting i dont feel like im missing out, my weightloss is slightly slower because of it but it works for me i now consider myself on a long term healthy eating plan i still have choccy if i want it but if i know im in a choccy mood i make sure i have a very low fat meal that day to counteract it, i think when people feel they are denied something they want it more! the male attention your fearing is a reason you eat but be carefull it doesnt become an excuse to eat i dont mean that harshly but iv done the same in the past myself and took me a while and councelling to realise it, food is an addiction and we are all good at justifying it. my heart does go out to you for what you have been thru tho xxx

 

[cazbandy]

I had to reply...

Firstly you are a wonderful human being, with a good heart and a strong love for those around you. They feel this about you and in time you will get better at feeling it.

You have been through some horrible experiences (an echo of my own) and it is not surprising that you feel the way you do.

I know how it makes me feel sometimes...

I never believed I was worth anything. I had been told so many conflicting things about myself over the years, that I was wonderful yet repulsive to look at, I had an amazing mind mind yet I chose not to use it, that if only I was slim the world would be a better place for me.

Well thats all rubbish, especially that if on the inside you feel useless, guilty, ashamed, sad, depressd, wishing for a better world, possibly ending it and leaving the burden of life behind.

I shoved food in my mouth to cope with how I felt. It gave me an instant high and for a brief moment all was right in the world. Life tasted good. But 20 minutes later all the feelings above returned...so the cycle continued.

I carried on for ages like that, denying to all and sundry that I did not have a problem, even when the scales tipped 23 stone 7lbs, I still sat with head in the la la clouds.

But then I got ill, suffered with all kinds of horrid symptoms, sores on legs, odema, feeling tired all the time. In the end my head said...enough.

I went to the doctors the very next day and asked for help. And thats how my journey began.

I am also seeking help psychologically alongside my WLS, it was advised that I do, as from what I had been through could sabotage my progress as I was an emotional eater. So I agreed to that and have seen someone twice now and will be going on to do CBT. Its time to leave the past and work forward in to the future. CBT does not go over the past, just helps you to have tools to live in the here and now and deal with negative self talk and image.

Maybe this could help you too...you deserve to be happy, you deserve to walk the journey to happiness and you are worthy of help.

Say this to yourself every day...stick post it notes up saying it.

And then once you feel it, act on it and get some help.

And remember, you have love and support from us all here too.

 

[Sambucca]

As the other 2 have said you need to sort out your past before you can tackle and embrace your future. There is no shame in seeing a counsellor its not even saying that we have mental issues its sorting our house out and putting it in order so that we can live the rest of our lives without self hate and fear. If we have a tooth ache we see a dentist, if we have a problem with our body we see a dr, if our car has a fault we take it to a mechanic, but if our head is shot to pieces what do we do? Nothing we bury it in the sand like an ostrich.
being over weight is your security blanket, but you need help to prepare yourself for not having or wanting it anymore. Many counsellors have been through traumatic experiences themselves and that why they became one. They don't judge, blame or make you feel worthless and just wasting their time by being there.

Sometime its lack of courage that stops us from seeking help, but if you have the courage to go through wls then you definately have the courage to see a counsellor.

Sorry if I ve rambled on but I hope it helps.

superb post

 

[weight loss hopeful]

Hi :hug99:
So sad to read about your attack when you were 20, I suffered a similar experience when I was 16. I recently spent some time seeing a psychologist to sort through the trauma and emotional baggage - took me 20+ years to face up to it! I am now ready to lose my armour (fat!) and (finally!!!!) live as I deserve - happy & healthy!
Perhaps some counselling might help? With something as severe as rape, we are not able to recover without some help - some people supress the effects quite well but the brave seek help.
I know how scary it is to even consider opening that box of sadness that you spend so much energy trying to keep tightly closed. All I can say is that the feelings of freedom I now have are wonderful, I cannot say it doesn't bite me from time to time but there is no guilt, no fear and I don't feel dirty anymore.
It sounds as though your partner is supportive which is great. My bloke was there for me throughout the therapy, as it does get a little worse before it gets better as you start to look at your emotions & memories, but he saw it as an investment for both of us.
Whatever you decide to do - lots of luck :hug99:
Lxxx

Thank you so much for your msg. It is so personal and honest. I am afraid to be so honest on here in case I get criticized so generally try to stick to the basics. I think your riht i need therapy. just that money is very tight at present and always has been. We havent even had a holiday since 9/11. We came back just after the attacks on the twin towers, its not this scaring us we just cannot afford to go anywhere. Anyway thank you very much, i appreciate it. Take care Rx

 

[weight loss hopeful]

Hi WLS :hug99:

Self-sabotaging is a familiar thing to anyone who has issues with food. We use food as a crutch to lean on or something to fill a void that should be closed or filled with something non-calorific.

You sound typical of someone who does not feel themselves worthy of anything good.

The trauma you suffered and the lack of closure from it is the void you try and fill.

In essence, the ghost from your past is sabotaging you, not you. But you beat yourself up 'because you are not worthy' and so the cycle continues.

As one who suffered trauma at the hands and whim of a male relative all through childhood, I would strongly urge you to speak to your GP who can give you access to counselling or find an independent, qualified and registered counsellor.

In the meantime, try some distraction techniques. Boredom will often allow the demons to invade our consciousness which triggers the sabotaging. Take a walk to walk away from them. Listen to some music and have a gentle dance around your living room. Even swaying from side to side is quite comforting!

PM me if you want to chat any.

Lots of big hugs in the meantime :hug99:

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear of your suffering. That is a new way to look at it from my point of view. I never thought it was the trauma sabotaging me! I was convinced it was me! It does make a lot of sense. I do know i hide behind my fat. The distraction idea is the technique i use quite frequently. It works too 99.9% of the time.

Im thinking now the bypass would have been far better for me like Mr Ammori had said in the initial consultation. He knew best. I just couldnt afford it and that was the top and bottom of it. the band has stretched me to my absolute limit.

Thank you so much for your support and ideas. Hope your well. Take care R x

 

[weight loss hopeful]

As the other 2 have said you need to sort out your past before you can tackle and embrace your future. There is no shame in seeing a counsellor its not even saying that we have mental issues its sorting our house out and putting it in order so that we can live the rest of our lives without self hate and fear. If we have a tooth ache we see a dentist, if we have a problem with our body we see a dr, if our car has a fault we take it to a mechanic, but if our head is shot to pieces what do we do? Nothing we bury it in the sand like an ostrich.
being over weight is your security blanket, but you need help to prepare yourself for not having or wanting it anymore. Many counsellors have been through traumatic experiences themselves and that why they became one. They don't judge, blame or make you feel worthless and just wasting their time by being there.

Sometime its lack of courage that stops us from seeking help, but if you have the courage to go through wls then you definately have the courage to see a counsellor.

Sorry if I ve rambled on but I hope it helps.

Thank you so much for your support. It really does mean a lot that I have the opportunity to seek advice from people going thru wls too and the issues it can bring up.

I do need to see a counsillor and I do have the courage. Its the actually asking for it from my doctor that pertrifies me. They seem so judgmental of fat people at my doctors. They have been known to make fattist comments to me or use cutting remarks, especially the receptionist (I have made a complaint). I am there on tues morning tho and i will bite the bullet and ask for counsilling. If i dont i have just spent £7450 on a big fat nothing because I will sabotage myself forever more. This will spur me on into asking about it. I do feel like they will think i have mental issues and judge me. I am terrified of being judged by people.

Thank you for taking the time to answer it does mean a lot to me.
Take care R x

 

[weight loss hopeful]

i agree with you both that counciling could be the answer to help you cope, they can learn you techniques to cope when things get tough for you, and they can help you understand and cope with the sabotage thoughts that you have been having. i hope things work out for you and things become brighter.

best wishes

liz x

Thank you very much for your advice. I agree. hope your well. Take care R x

 

[weight loss hopeful]

my issues come from a very violent relationship i lived in and i still have urges to eat rubbish and iv had therapy and the full works i found by not dieting i dont feel like im missing out, my weightloss is slightly slower because of it but it works for me i now consider myself on a long term healthy eating plan i still have choccy if i want it but if i know im in a choccy mood i make sure i have a very low fat meal that day to counteract it, i think when people feel they are denied something they want it more! the male attention your fearing is a reason you eat but be carefull it doesnt become an excuse to eat i dont mean that harshly but iv done the same in the past myself and took me a while and councelling to realise it, food is an addiction and we are all good at justifying it. my heart does go out to you for what you have been thru tho xxx

Thank you very much. You make a lot of sense here. I tend to eat bad things when im having a bad day and getting flash backs. I could well be excusing myself and i will look out for that, good point. I will monitor it more closely. Thank you very much. Take care R x

 

[weight loss hopeful]

I had to reply...

Firstly you are a wonderful human being, with a good heart and a strong love for those around you. They feel this about you and in time you will get better at feeling it.

You have been through some horrible experiences (an echo of my own) and it is not surprising that you feel the way you do.

I know how it makes me feel sometimes...

I never believed I was worth anything. I had been told so many conflicting things about myself over the years, that I was wonderful yet repulsive to look at, I had an amazing mind mind yet I chose not to use it, that if only I was slim the world would be a better place for me.

Well thats all rubbish, especially that if on the inside you feel useless, guilty, ashamed, sad, depressd, wishing for a better world, possibly ending it and leaving the burden of life behind.

I shoved food in my mouth to cope with how I felt. It gave me an instant high and for a brief moment all was right in the world. Life tasted good. But 20 minutes later all the feelings above returned...so the cycle continued.

I carried on for ages like that, denying to all and sundry that I did not have a problem, even when the scales tipped 23 stone 7lbs, I still sat with head in the la la clouds.

But then I got ill, suffered with all kinds of horrid symptoms, sores on legs, odema, feeling tired all the time. In the end my head said...enough.

I went to the doctors the very next day and asked for help. And thats how my journey began.

I am also seeking help psychologically alongside my WLS, it was advised that I do, as from what I had been through could sabotage my progress as I was an emotional eater. So I agreed to that and have seen someone twice now and will be going on to do CBT. Its time to leave the past and work forward in to the future. CBT does not go over the past, just helps you to have tools to live in the here and now and deal with negative self talk and image.

Maybe this could help you too...you deserve to be happy, you deserve to walk the journey to happiness and you are worthy of help.

Say this to yourself every day...stick post it notes up saying it.

And then once you feel it, act on it and get some help.

And remember, you have love and support from us all here too.

Thank you so much for your kind words. You make a lot of sense here too. I need to get help and stop my self sabotage. Im sorry to hear of what you have been thru. Your support means a lot to me. Take care R x

 

[serenitylove]

Thank you very much. You make a lot of sense here. I tend to eat bad things when im having a bad day and getting flash backs. I could well be excusing myself and i will look out for that, good point. I will monitor it more closely. Thank you very much. Take care R x

if your having flashbacks you probably have ptsd its something i had after my last assult and needs slightly different treatment babe you really need to go to your gp explain clearly put in letter if it easier and say you want referal to the pysciatric team, cpn's can be really good for helping give you ways to cope while your waiting for the therapy , and take a day at a time msg me anytime if i can help xx

 

[weight loss hopeful]

if your having flashbacks you probably have ptsd its something i had after my last assult and needs slightly different treatment babe you really need to go to your gp explain clearly put in letter if it easier and say you want referal to the pysciatric team, cpn's can be really good for helping give you ways to cope while your waiting for the therapy , and take a day at a time msg me anytime if i can help xx

Thank you very much for your support it means alot x

 

[weight loss hopeful]

Well I told the doc all about my symptoms this morning and she has referred me for councilling. So that is a weight off my mind. I dont want to waste £7450, I couldnt afford in the first place. She also put me on iron tabs after my blood tests of last week.

I feel ok tonight. Ive got some more childminding work on the cards starting in 4weeks time. So financially I should be better off then too, so all is on the up.

Thanks for all your advice ladies.
Take care R x

 

[coley144]

I just want to say that I have had a similar type of experience to you, have had counselling and sorted things out. What I most wanted to know was that there was a way out and that there were people who had survived - and lived a happy, healthy life. I'm still on my weightloss journey but I am happy and you will be too. x

 

[LizzieBee]

Well I told the doc all about my symptoms this morning and she has referred me for councilling. So that is a weight off my mind. I dont want to waste £7450, I couldnt afford in the first place. She also put me on iron tabs after my blood tests of last week.

I feel ok tonight. Ive got some more childminding work on the cards starting in 4weeks time. So financially I should be better off then too, so all is on the up.

Thanks for all your advice ladies.
Take care R x

Great news - that's very courageous and will be so worth it!
Lx

 

[weight loss hopeful]

I just want to say that I have had a similar type of experience to you, have had counselling and sorted things out. What I most wanted to know was that there was a way out and that there were people who had survived - and lived a happy, healthy life. I'm still on my weightloss journey but I am happy and you will be too. x

It is great to hear someone has come out the other side a happier healthy person. Thank you so much for that. It means a lot to me. Take care R x