My Ramblings...

[A.Positive]

Nicola, I have often felt that when I was obese life was far more straightforward. I didn't expect anything of myself in terms of appearance or health. It did not matter that I ate due to emotional pressures or grazed on junk food all day long. What was an extra 7lbs in weight gain this week? I am already fat; who can tell?! And more importantly who the hell cares?

Once we are slim (regardless of how we got there) everyone has expectations don't they? They watch and wait for us to slip up or see what we eat. We put immense and unrealistic strain on ourselves to keep the weight off. We begin to stress about what we eat, when and how! I have a friend who said in passing the other day in a totally unrelated topic of conversation, "There is so much more to life than what we eat and weigh". In that very moment I felt such warmth, as if a vale had been lifted. The notion was just so simple. Eat what you want, just a little and just live. Pah! I just don't understand why its so hard for people like us to come to terms with that. Should I ever move past this hump in my road it would be interesting to see how my life pans out in the "eating normally" stakes. The head is a funny old thing but if I sit and really think about it; am I not in control of my head right now? I could have fallen to pieces weeks and weeks ago. Binged myself silly day after day knowing full well that it would come back up but I did not. So there is something there. Something has taken hold after all my Mindfulness reading, meditation and self belief. Something has stuck!

I really do feel for you my Sweet and hope that your therapist is able to support you in the way you hope. Please let me know how you get go.

I am taking the children to go and stay with some old friends tomorrow. I am so looking forward to the change of scenery. The new smells, sounds and noise! Oh the joys! I am a bit nervous about them seeing me though. It has been a good few months and the last friend that came to see me (last week) took one look at me and burst into tears bless her.

The children are just as thrilled at the prospect of having a sleepover. Its all they can do to stop talking about it!

Chrisa, today I washed, oiled and retwisted Ava's hair. It literally took the entire day. Are you ready for such an undertaking!!!??? Haaa! The wonderful thing is that once its done, I can leave it for 2-3 weeks and she looks so fresh and even more adorable. He face is just a picture. She knocked her 2 front teeth last week, badly and they have fallen out. I wouldn't mind but they were her adult teeth!!!!! We have an appointment to see the dentist tomorrow before we leave in the hope that they can do something, anything! She lost her baby teeth very early and we are hoping that by some miracle that there are some more tiny buds hidden, waiting to come through again.

Is anyone else watching Wolf Hall? I have given up much television but this has rave reviews and so I will give it a shot. This and Better Call Saul which airs on Netflix. If you know Breaking Bad you'll know why I needed to watch it. I sat through the first episode and loved it! It was everything I expected it to be.

 

[nicola1723]

Thank you my lovely. It's so nice to know I'm not the only one. I feel pretty alone what with this and the ivf crap. I hope you get the help you need/want soon. Xx

 

[chrisa]

Hi Alex, we don't know if we are going to have afro hair it is not looking like it at the moment it has not changed it is very curly when wet but is still quite fine, her daddy thought it would change but no one has suggested when it could change I think it might not, missed out again lol x I have been trying to look on google to see how/and if development of African/mixed race babies could be different / more advanced than English babies. Her daddy does not know exactly these things so I have been looking for answers but have found out very little. Any info would be appreciated. lol. Do they get teeth around 6 months walk and talk around the same time as white babies. I have read that black babies are more intelligent earlier on? These are just a few of the questions my daughter and I have been looking for answers to.

Any how enough about us I hope you all enjoy the time away. I do agree very much about people watching and waiting for the big fall. I have noticed since my wls journey I have noticed that a lot of people who I thought were stick thin have now thickened out round waist and thighs. I have gained around 2 stone from my lowest weight. I am still 8 stone down though, but am kicking myself getting this back on. It has gone straight to the thighs and bum. I wish it hadn't happened but it has happened around these shifts at work. Staying uptil midnight each shift does not help as I can be good all day but once 6pm comes its a cuppa here and there just to keep me going and a biscuit or bit of chocolate. Juts extras I donot need and it tears me in two. Whats worse is the dress size up hate it really do I am so tired at times I just have no time for extra exercises which I need to get back to. I still walk all the time but that does not keep my body toned.

I think we all have sets of problems that cannot be easily resolved our heads have the most difficult jobs it is a seesaw effect. Being bigger was a lot less complicated. x

Safe trip and have fun. Hope the little one gets something sorted about her teeth bless her.

xx

 

[Yvessa]

I haven't replied yet, because I wanted to get my thoughts in order before I said something. My initial reaction was no doubt similar to your family. Out of fear I would have asked you to take the feeding tube, to sustain your body until you were stronger and able to try moving forward with food. But as I've mulled on this I think I do understand. I understand the need for hope and faith. I hope that you will still keep trying, not bagels certainly, but more appropriate foods. Milk is certainly the best option, and I believe that the non dairy alternatives are vegan.

I accept that you need to control this journey, and that so much of it has been out of your control, but please don't judge your family too harshly. I think they would say anything, do anything, as they are scared of losing you. I'm not suggesting you should give in, but let them know you have heard them, that you understand their love.

Try different things, particularly those higher calorie things to see if any of them will be tolerated, don't give up on that. Nuts can be blended into nut butter and would be an amazing source of nutrients.

Above all Alex, I know you are doing what you think is best and none of us can do anymore. Hang in there and weather the storm.

 

[Lilacglittergirl]

Very wise words from Yve.

I may have seemed absent from your thread Alex of room 420! But I have been reading it regularly, and like Yve have delayed commentingdue to getting my ducks in a row ... I think if you can get a bit of bagel down (albeit that it backfired on you!), i would seriously try some alpro products (checking the labels for sugar % which should ideally be under 5g per 100g ie 5%). Get back to basics and try the tomato soup option, etc. i am not in anyway suggesting any of this is in your head, but I do know how challenging I found transiting back to normal food, that I could quite understand folks not pushing through. In fact I know someone who did experience that - she became food phobic and went dangerously underweight, but with support from her team she is back in the room and embracing a normal varied diet, tho it really was not easy

Take good care hun xxxxxxx

 

[A.Positive]

Firstly, thank you once again. I know you all care and when posting replies to such threads the time taken to respond appropriately is greatly appreciated.

Secondly, I want you all to know that I do try to eat "the correct" foods. I have a lot of Soya milk which is high in protein and as I have mentioned previously I make a lot of homemade soups. I add Lentils, various beans coconut oil and coconut milk; Rready Brek and the now infamous bagel were mere experiments.

I also blend various nut butters (as mentioned before) with Soya and Oat milk in order to get in calories but even these have started to make me feel very sick. Guys, trust me Ime, am trying my absolute best. I take copious amounts of superfood powders with blended juices that I freeze in to tiny cubes, this way I can get them down a little easier. It's hard but I try.

I don't know what else to say or do and right now my brain is stretched to its limit. I am awake at 3 am, (as you know I am staying with friends for a day or so) and the first thought I had was my health. What should I do? Who can I talk to? What can I try to eat today? I have spoken with my GP and been referred to see a councillor.

I know that when we discuss our lives with others, we open ourselves up to opinion. I wanted to discuss my journey because it helped me to cope and I wanted to chronicle my experiences and hopefully help someone else, even if in a small way. To date, I have been called Aneroxic 3 times (virtually and in reality) and although I know that it may not have been said with malicious intent, it hurt all the same. I have tried to make a light of a lot of what I am dealing with but I know full well how serious this is, how could I not? I almost feel as if I have over shared which breaks my heart because journaling and sharing with my friends was my one true escape. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not throwing a tantrum.

I wish at this very moment that I could flick a switch and have this entire ordeal come to an end. Today, right now it's too much. I can't bear feeling this way because I have been so much stronger than this. I am sure in an hour or so I will be fine, the children will drag me out of bed and we'll make pancakes. My friends are a true blessing but here in the quiet and the darkness, I am utterly alone and feel like no matter what choice I make, it will be the wrong one. I do feel for my family, of course it must be hard for them to see me in this way but I need them to trust me. Let me show them what I try to eat and believe in my knowledge. I have read and read until my brain is weary.

Take care guys and thank you once again.

 

[chrisa]

Hi Alex I am off to work at 6am so wont be back on here till Wed evening. You do what you feel is right, you are a lot more knowledgeable than I about super foods etc. It is a difficult period for you and whilst your family have expressed their concerns the ultimate decision is still in your hands,. In the darkness and stillness of the night is when our doubt creeps in, we are all allowed a weakness, it is from that weakness that we can start to build ourselves back up. We have to hit the depths of despair before we can arise from the ashes. You are one brave lady and never let that leave your thoughts,you have endured so much more than most already. Let the children do what they do best and that is love you unconditionally that is what will help you through as it has thus far. If things come easy then its not worth having. Give your self time and do keep writing it helps sort pout things in your head, go with the counselling and we just pray it helps you in some small way. I thing you could write your autobiography, it is such a moving story people cannot help being moved and wanting to read on.

May God give you strength and guidance for this rocky and gruelling journey you are travelling, and may he keep your eyes firmly on the positive your beautiful family and loving caring friends and not forgetting your cyber buddies here. xxx

 

[femfrankie]

As an x bulemic ... Is there really such a thing? Should I not be saying a recovering bulemic?? I can see why anorexia has been raised Alex. WLS is a thin line to tread I am petrified that once my personal target has been reached that I still will not be happy & in my memory it is not a good place to be in. Logic and reason goes out the window, self loathing & food is the enemy. A drip bag of glucose solution required to help me live was seen as an invasion, a force feed of a banquet meal ... My worst nightmare. Yet the mere mention that I was either anorexic or bulemic sent me into a rage of denial ...How dare they!?
Not saying that you are hun and sorry if it does offend but thought a personal perspective from someone who has been there might help. Go and enjoy your much needed break hun. I'm here if you need to talk xxx

 

[ThinnerJemima]

Me again . We are off the cruise now thank goodness. The food looked amazing. I am really enjoying being healthy and I have the choice to feed or not. Why struggle so much when all the pressure can be taken away. If you don't let the team see you I'm not sure they are in the best position to help you. Sorry to be harsh but you have been given a second chance, use it.

I'm enjoying not throwing up, feeling sick, being sick and not having stomach pain. With a tube, all these and more aren't compulsory, they are an option.

You've tried to eat for months now. I had it calmy explained to me how a death from liver failure happens. It has its own set of features but one of them is being healthy.

Hug from 5000 miles away on your bones

 

[Andie1962]

Hi Alex
I just wanted to say how brave you have been through your whole experience . I hope that you will get better soon and you can start living life to the full with your family again.
I can't really offer you any advice as no body really know what a person is going through unless they are in their shoes and have been through the same experience. What I would say though listen to your heart and your family they are the ones who are going through this journey with you with the ups and downs and I am sure eventually things will turn around and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel .
It makes me feel very guilty and I am sure others feel the same how we complain about our weight losses being slow ect ect.
When I read your posts it puts everything into perspective for me because having a stall is so unimportant compared to what you are going through right now. It has given me a wake up call.
When you are feeling better it would be lovely to have that meet up with you and whoever wants to come along and then we can meet the very inspiring lady because that's what you really are.
Wishing you and all your family the best and be strong as you have been throughout your journey

Hugs Andi xxx

 

[Smallerme]

Anorexia is a disorder and to use it as a name to call someone is a hurtful way to do it. People should always come before labels. It sounds like people may think this is a possibility that you're facing. Perhaps not just from appearance/weight but via the increased level of control over food and declining intervention such as the feeding tube. Three main symptoms of a horrific condition that nobody chooses to get but circumstances can catapult you into unexpectedly.

Calorie deficit eventually kills it is that simple and there's not enough calories going in. No one can force a feeding tube on you whilst you're in sound mind, you know that and it remains your choice to decline. What do you do next now you're in this position where your alternatives have not worked? That's rhetorical of course on here though a question that must be flying around for yourself and your family around you.

You're very loved by everyone around you that's really clear and they're very frightened for you by the sounds of it. Confrontations about this must be really hard. Some of us experience it with life threatening episodes on the other end of the weight scale. If it was as simple as pick it up and eat it then you would like we all know it's not simple to stop eating and gaining weight. I continue to wish for you good health and recovery from this. You are a fabulous woman and it's been a hell of a journey for you so far.

 

[Kar8858]

Has anyone heard how Alex is getting on?? I haven't seen her about for a while..hope you are ok Alex x

 

[femfrankie]

Ditto on that ... Hope all is well with you Alex xx

 

[Lilacglittergirl]

Ditto x

 

[chrisa]

I too am concerned but think she will be watching the site just hope she responds xx

 

[A.Positive]

Hello girls.

I'm so sorry that I have not been online lately....

Things have taken a drastic turn. I was urgently referred to an Eating Disorder Clinic by my GP who was worried about my drastic weight loss; I now weigh 5 stone 11lbs. I felt that I needed some form of therapy and while I didn't feel I have an eating disorder as such I wanted to explore that avenue.

I attended that appointment on Tuesday morning, my bloods were taken and I was told that I was in critical danger. My glucose read 1.2 which meant I could slip into a coma and die at any moment. My organs were shutting down and as a result I was told I had to go into hospital immediately because I had either hours/days to live.

I am in St. George's Hospital now and awaiting decisions on what can be done to help me. Food still causes an incredible amount of pain so I have simply stayed away from it. I feel like death, utterly dreadful.

Perhaps I was stupid but I really thought that I could beat this on my own. I so wanted to. But it has beaten me I suppose.

Thank you for thinking of me and again, I am so sorry for worrying you all. xx

 

[mouse57]

Dearest lady you must be so worried but I hope that there is something they can do for you and they don't let you home until they get you right. It sounds like you had that appointment at the right time because a few more days and you would have been in a very bad state, someone somewhere is looking out for you. I'll say a prayer for you and I wished you a speedy recovery. Rest and get better

 

[Yvessa]

So relieved to hear from you hun. Thinking of you and your family - I hope things take a positive turn.

 

[Kar8858]

Alex I am so pleased you are still here and getting some care! I was worried something like this had happened. Thank you for taking the time to let us know how you are.
I honestly wish you all the best, you have been strong for yourself so far but accept the help available now for all your family.
I will be thinking about you x

 

[nicola1723]

You're honestly in the right place. I'm sending you gentle hugs and thinking about you xx