Why do i do this to myself !!!

[Roch]

Hi all well i have been lurking now for about 4/5 weeksand only posting very rarely as things have not been 2 good for me and i am sooo angry and disgusted with myself, and did not want to admit on line how bad i am doing.

Yes i maybe be 9 stone down altogether but only just over 4 stone and its 5 months since my op on Tuesday, and i expected to do so much better, and have wasted 5 weeks where i could of lost another stone.
My losses have not been massive since my op but shrunk big time.
I have my first app with my dietician at the Whit in 19 days time and want to def lose at least 1.7 stone by then as i dont want to disappoint them(hence starting the pouch test today)

The past month i have fallen of track big time and although not gaining any weight i have never been so disgusted with myself as i have been given this fab gift of my bypass and the past 5 weeks since realising i dont ever dump i have just eaten crap, not gained any weight at all but have found it so hard to get back on track.

I came off all my opiate pain relief medication about 6 weeks ago and although i am still in a lot of pain i just take "Tramadol" and this only takes about 40% off my pain away as i have severe osteoarthritis in most of my joints and severe sciatica,but i refuse to go back on the meds as they caused major water retention and chronic constipation, i also had a fall in Primark 5 weeks ago which has caused me a lot of pain and means if i walk more than 10 mins my ankle swells up big time and causes me so much pain, so this has stopped me going out and about much and even walking my dogs.

Coming off my opiate meds has caused me to have bad insomnia which my doc put me on anti d tabs to make me sleep and they did not work so am now cutting down the anti d tabs and taking sleeping tabs, but reducing the anti d tabs is now interfering with my sleep. I have also found what my doc thinks is a big hernia it is the size and shape of a rugby ball but is just imprinted in my tummy but not pushing out as my tummy is so massive, i feel like i am falling apart at the seams and what did i do just turn to food not loads bit def not the right foods hence only losing a few pounds the past month.

I have started the 5 day pouch test today, although i know u should be 6 months post op and i am just 5 but i so need to jump start my losses and get back into eating protein again and not pure crap.
So far so good had five 98 cal protein shakes today made with just water and that is me for today, roll on tomorrow as still hungry :cry:

I feel like such a failure and need a serious kick up the arse for wasting the past 5 weeks. I have not told anyone about this even my friends who i know care about me and are there to support me 100% but i felt to ashamed to admit to anyone face to face or on the phone that i am failing miserably, untill now. I am hoping the reality of reading my post today will help me realise big time that i cant carry on like this and i need to make a massive effort and not take my bypass for granted.

Sorry for such a long winded drawn out post, i know i should not of gone awol and posted b4 now but this is a very bad habit of mine (going awol when times are bad) and a even harder habit to break :cry:thanks for taking the time to read this, take care luv Roch xx

 

[jaxx]

Roch hun, the bypass fixes our stomachs but not our brains. We still have the thinking processes that caused us to over ear and eat crap in the first place. Don't be too hard on yourself. You've had a crappy time of it recently and reading your post, it's no wonder you've eaten badly.

But at least you've identified that you have fallen off the wagon and are doing something about it to sort it out.

I'm suffering from insomnia and depression myself at the minute and I'm also on strong co-codamol for hip and back pain so I do understand some of what you're going through. I know your pain meds caused problems but maybe going back on them for a bit will help ease your pain allowing you to sleep and think a bit more rationally.

I really think you're being too hard on yourself and hiding away when you think you've failed is not the best way to deal with your feelings. That's when you need support the most. You're only a month behind me surgery wise and you've lost about the same as what I'd lost at 5 months and my surgeon is more than happy with what I've achieved so I would think your providers will be happy too.

I'm not going to kick you up the backside because I think you've done enough of that yourself. Try to be a bit easier on yourself as making yourself feel guilty will just cause you more stress and cause you to turn to food once again.

Maybe talk to your dietician about how you can get back on track.

We all make mistakes and be nice to yourself, you deserve it!! xx

 

[dottychic]

I agree 100% with Jaxx, you are being too tough on yourself! None of us are perfect so dont beat yourself up for it, you havnt done so much damage it cant be put right and thats exactly what you are doing now. You can do this, youve been doing it already.
I wish I could give you a big (HUG) you deserve one x

 

[moonflower]

roch

sorry not got much time baby playing up. Try and keep positive you have come so far. I know where your coming from as i'm on the morphine patches and cant do without them. I too dont dump so have had the odd cheat but my weight is coming off slowly but surely.
Dont know the pros and cons of doing the pouch test early so your'll have to wait for someone to reply.
Try and get back on track eating three meals and a couple of snacks, make sure your drinking plenty.
I know what a fall does to your head as well as your body as i fall frequently a month.
Sorry its short and hopefully sweet take care and keep on keeping on, big hugs

xx

 

[keeley86]

Hiya hun, kick up the arse for you! now stop feeling sorry for yaself and get on with it, lol! maybe buy a wii or if youve got one - get on it a little! if the pains is that bad then maybe you should be back on them tabs! hopefully when your at your goal weight most of the pain will be gone so you wont need them but at the minute you suffering with the pain is making you feel realli down hence eating crap!
much luv xxxx

 

[Roch]

Sorry cant respond to ur posts but ty for responding as i am just going to type this and log out. I have already caved in and eaten a piece of bread how absolutely weak and pathetic am i !!
Cant even get to the end of day one without stuffing a piece wof bread in my mouth and now i feel so sick i want to make myself sick.
Going to take some time out, ty to all of u xx

 

[dottychic]

Aww poor Roch, how can we help? You are no different to any one of us, I know for a fact Im exactly the same. Please carry on posting as we cant help if we cant talk to you ((HUGS)) X

 

[Bev]

Hi Roch,

It sounds like a really tough time for you and I think the change of your prescribed medication has not helped you.

Please take things one day at a time and don't feel pressured... things have a way of sorting themselves out with time.

Write down everything that you are doing to help yourself... I have to keep a strict diary at times... we all stray... but it's regaining the focus and redirecting the mind to accept the changes that are now possible within your life.

Not easy, but we all grapple with similar ups and downs, so never feel on your own.

Please send me a message if I can help you in any way at all and in the meantime sending you a humungous hug... hope this helps...

Kindest regards, Bev xxx

 

[phatmomma]

Roche, why do you do this to yourself?

I don't mean the eating like **** when you're down, we've all done it. I mean the pressure you put yourself under to lose weight by a certain date? Whether it's your dietician or Aaron's birthday! Nobody has a 'set' amount they expect you to lose in a certain amount of time... Your dietician will look at you and think ''fcuk me! you look fab''..... Why? Because you are almost 9 stone lighter than when you started your journey...

Get yourself back to your gp and sort out some better pain relief than your Tramadol, anything that can aleviate your pain so you can start enjoying walking with your dogs again....

You know what you need to do food wise, and stop beating yourself up about eating a slice of flipping bread woman, just next time put some protein on it so it's a good thing

You are a rock to a lot of people on this site, for once let us support you xxx

ps, consider your ass kicked xx

 

[tink75]

Hey Roch - how bizzare I have just posted a very similar post about myself. Bit of stress and I go straight back to my old ways. Hope you find a solution hun cause honestly I know how hard it is. Wishing you all the luck and sucess in the world xxx

 

[PoppyCorn]

Hi Roch

I just want to send you my love and give you a great big hug. Like everyone else has said I think you're being much too hard on yourself, unfortunately we tend to be harder on ourselves than we'd be on anybody else.

I may be wrong but I think by not taking all the pain relief you need you're punishing yourself - so please stop, as your dr wouldn't give you something if they didn't believe you needed it.

You have made remarkable progress so keep thinking of how far you've come and that the fact you recognise the 'bad' habits is a huge achievement in itself.

Love Poppy x

 

[CCPM]

Roch you're doing fine. You're right the pouch test is too early and its not designed to stop you eating crap its to test you pouch capacity and redefine restriction and the feelings of restriction. I know the feeling of starting and then failing it just makes you more down than ever.

You can eat bread you just have to get it into balance with other foods. I know you struggle with other foods but you need to establish just what you are eating and roughly how that is breaking down into the food groups. Carbs should not be more than 60-80g per day. So use those wisely and aim to add in protein 80g and veg along with your fluids 1.5litres at least. If you like a sandwich add in loads of wafer thin chicken or ham you'll soon get your protein up.

HTH

M

 

[CHUCKY]

Hi Roch
Firstly as said you shouldnt be doing test at your stage.
Also if you are doing test you are supposed to have soups aswell not just protien shake and you should make them with milk(the shakes) not water as you need the milk for protien. Just increase your protien and it will keep you full for longer. Dont beat yourself up you are doing really well. It takes more than a tummy op to change years of physcological problems we have with food.
You do need to eat more to help woth carb cravings. if i only had shakes with water i would be eating bread and a whole lot more.
try and make the soups on test they are lovely and easyto make.
Take care and keep in touch

xx

 

[cherry]

i just wanted to send you a virtual hug and to say hang in there , never forget how fab your doing and be thrilled with your wl, you just need a guiding hand to get back on track, good luck and i wish you all the best xxxx

 

[claudia24]

here a huge hug to u huni, im know im a few months ahead of u, and like urself i dont dump realy bad, so i know i can eat a lil bit of choco and crisp and i admit sometime i do i think oh it wont hurt but then i remember how hard i coped with my bypass the first few month post op and i just remember i did not go through all that sadness to end up were i started before my op and how unhappy i was.

your doing just fine you have lost loads of weight and the further along u start to lose weight more slowly, like the ladies above said if you eat bread put somethin on it i.e salad/protein.

your doing fine and were all here for you on here, big hugs xxxxxx

 

[Big an Bouncy]

Hi Roch dont spend the rest of your new life beating yourself up, you are worth more than that.Everything Phatmomma said was true,you set yourself targets and then crumble if you fail in your eyes.Look at the bigger picture,imagine how crap your life would be if you were still dragging 9 stone around.Im sure once the pain is under control and sleep is good life will look a whole lot better.Are you getting out and about doing something and keeping busy?Stop beating yourself up over a slice of bread you know deep down thats silly.Its food we all need it just make the right choices.Love and hugs Maz x

 

[Amrac1]

Hi Roch,
Everyone has already said everything need to be said. I just want to send you a huge hug from someone who had bypass on the same day. Us 2nd Marchers have to stick together! Chin up girl you have made huge progress and you will continue to do so. The last 5 weeks are a blip which may have coincided with a stall. Dust down, smile, take the hugs and move on. We arer all with you.
xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[cherry]

well said amrac

 

[Sambucca]

Roch, I agree with everything Julie said. You are far too hard on yourself (which you already know) but by setting yourself such unrealistic targets all the time you are constantly setting yourself up to fail. It just becomes a vicious circle.

Please go easier on yourself. I can assure you, your team will be delighted with you.Just concentrate on getting well and pain free, rather than your diet.

 

[Kerry Jo]

Can i start by saying 9 stone well done that is an amazing achievement and i think your great.
I would say get your meds sorted out hun, they say exercise is a stress reliever and i like you love to walk my dog and if i cant i feel down and crappy. I agree with other posts that you are putting too much pressure on your self. I hope you do log back on hun. Big hugs xxxx