changing your status within your social group?

[los in it]

I was writing a reply to a forum member and I wrote about how people ,family ,friends want to keep you in a certain place in his/her life i.e
the funny one
the clever one
the fat/chubby/cuddly/big boned/ one
it got me thinking, by you deciding to change your position in life does it change also for everyone else? does it force them to look at where they are in the pecking order of life? is it easier to stay where you are or take that leap and make the change for you and you alone. looking forward to the responses !

 

[sarahrob]

If people choose to pigeon-hole me then that's their business. I live my life as I choose, and most people's opinions don't matter to me.
I'm fortunate that even at my fattest I've had plenty of confidence and I've been happy to take risks that might surprise people who know me. I've always had good friends and supportive family (as well as some unsupportive family!) and I've never really played up to a stereotype.

We're all changing and growing, and that can make those around us insecure, but that's not something I can impact, all I can do is continue to walk my path and hope those I love continue to support me

 

[los in it]

well said Sarah! as for me I guess I have kind of ended up been the "funny/fat friend" always with a smile on my face looking confident and always happy ,but sometimes underneath I now realise I was in pain just not facing it.i was the one who would hold people`s handbags when out be the "thin one`s mate " when out I would get chatted up by chubby chasers looking to try something new looking back it was sad.I ended up shedding a lot of "friends" and got new ones ,better ones ,had a good love life things did get better. I am looking forward to my life getting even better again after my band, roll on 2014!

 

[sarahrob]

Oh I've been the thin one's mate too, don't get me wrong, but I've never been short of attention for myself too, even when desperately trying to fade into the background!

My ex was very insecure, and had I lost this much weight when we were together he would have freaked out. A real source of friction between us was that I wouldn't pander to his insecurity - it's his issue, and only he can deal with it. I listened and sympathised, but my behaviour never changed from the day he met me to the day we split up. I am fundamentally unchanged, no matter what size clothes I'm wearing!

 

[Summerband]

I think for me, it is all about how we feel inside, and how that makes up behave and how it is interpreted.

I know that the thinner and healthier I am, the more confident I am, the fuller life I can lead, the happier I am.

At my heaviest I was a philosophical spectator. Now I am game for anything, and I am only 2.5 stone down. I know my children like the fact that I will run up the road spontaneously, rather than hobble. I went tree trekking...amazing even though I thought I was scared of heights, turns out I was scared of myself.

I think when you act a certain way you are treated accordingly, I was never the funny fat friend, rather just that I have always been a talker, maybe not letting others get a word in was a guard. Now I am a real listener. I give people the chance to ask me things, and I love hearing so much more about them.

Cant wait til I am a healthy weight, to see what it is like then, and how people respond to who I am then.

 

[Banderbird]

I don't think I'm seen as anything in particular!

I've been slim before and nothing really changed (other than I felt more attractive), so hopefully when I lose weight again it will be the same.

 

[Crystalrainbow]

I;m guessing im the fat funny one, the one who always is the life and soul no matter how im feeling inside. I have a huge front which i paint on whenever i go out and meet others (not that i go far these days ) i have my un confident days when i wont leave the house or walk with my head down not to be seen and my confident days (like today) when i feel i could chat to anyone .... but quiet often come home in tears because that confident me was just a mask.

I went out with a friend back last week and we got talking about my op she said 'your still going ahead then' why wouldn't i grab this wonderful gift with both hands? I was amazed to she her face change almost like she was spitting feathers lol so i'm guessing my social place will change as a result but hoping its for the better

 

[Dandelions]

Had an interesting discussion about this a while back on my diary here as I was quite surprised at my sisters reactions to the op. Theyre much more supportive now but elegant slim sister has recently put on some weight and is feeling very insecure about her position. She copes with this by being controlling and assertive and as I recognise this from my own coping strategies I just allow her to do it, but deffo struggle to accept how she is atm. We were together last weekend and I was constantly battling myself not to challenge her and just let her be.

 

[bichonbabies]

Interesting post and interesting replies... I hadn't really felt anything other than maybe a little less confident. I have a wonderful family and partner who are amazing BUT!!
My friend my best friend came to see me Friday its the first time she has seen me in months. She's skinny always has been and attractive but has always had terrible skin. I have sat in many beauticians dermatologists, specialists and doctors over the years in search of answers to her skin issues. Ive also spent hundreds on lotions and potions for her anything to support and make her happy. On Wednesday she didnt ask me how I was getting on, she didnt comment on my weight loss and its 3 stones which is obvious. She said nothing she walked away and it broke my heart!! this means a lot to me and shes my oldest and dearest friend.. So maybe its made a difference to her and how she feels about me. Shes one of very few people who know the worse thing is I saw her hubby on Saturday and he nearly fell over. I saw her again today she said nothing so to push the issue i told her about her hubbys reaction and she said nothing at all just changed the subject. I made an excuse to leave and she knows me better than I know myself so she would have known but still nothing.

 

[los in it]

I sometimes wonder is it the women that are worse? your friends husband expressed real happiness for you also because not been mean you may not feature in his "pecking order" if you were a man maybe and one of his friends did wls he may have carried on the same way as his wife? it just shown there is nothing stranger than folk!

 

[Lincs Lass]

Hope you don't mind me chelping up - although I am a bypasser and not a bander x

All my family have struggled with weight issues. When I started this 'journey' my younger sister - who has always been the same sort of size as me - made some catty comments when she 'thought I couldn't hear' about taking the easy way out.

I saw my brother and sister-in-law for the first time since last August a couple of weeks ago and they couldn't have been happier for me. I saw my older sister in July who just about acknowledged my existence. I haven't seen my younger sister since last August and probably won't for a few months yet - but I'm sure she'll come out with some comment.

I think I've always been the one that's been visibly sensitive about my weight so to cover up her own insecurities my younger sister would make the comments and be all bold and brassy and loud.

Because we aren't a close family (emotionally or physically) we haven't really had 'roles' to change them, but the biggest difference is that her comments will be like water off a duck's back now - as I know it is her insecurities making her like it - and the only person who can do anything about that is her.

 

[los in it]

I really don't think it matters if your a bander or not the feeling is the same its all about how we let others make us feel.its good I think to be aware of how others feel but for it not to have you change your mind on creating a better life for yourself.

 

[WeightlossDreamer]

ive always just been seen as the mad one lol! I like to think it would not change if people knew about my band but invariably it would. I know a lot of very opinionated people who are very forth coming with their opinions even if you havnt asked for it. Its terrible but i feel they would view me as the girl that wastes money, fritters it away e.t.c one of my friends has just had a sort of mini go at me because ive bought tickets to see wales v australia in cardiff, saying the tickets are too expensive e.t.c I work really hard for everything ive got, and put a lot of hours into the business living on a campsite sometimes you dont stop till 11 or 12pm at night. but anyway im waffling now. If i make ppl feel a certain way just by being me it is their problem not mine x

 

[A.Positive]

This really makes me feel sad. How can a person be so wrapped up in themselves and their feelings to see our happiness?

Slightly different scenario; there was a time in my life when I was desperate for a baby. Almost everyone I new was either pregnant or having a baby and I was dying inside but I never showed that (I would cry alone) because I was genuinely happy for those around me.

As you know my sister is acting as many of the folks you know. I don't care anymore. I have gone out and fought for this and there is nothing she can say to ruin it for me.

 

[WeightlossDreamer]

you go girl!

 

[Banderbird]

I think the conclusion we can draw is that women are jealous.

 

[A.Positive]

I think the conclusion we can draw is that women are jealous.

I think jealousy is a normal human emotion, we all feel it from time to time. But its the way you deal with it that matters. Letting it get in the way of established relationships, ruining those relationships? Its just awful.

 

[grandmafarfaraway]

Hello. I've read all the posts and felt that people can be so cruel. I have 2 sisters, 1 thin and 1 chubby. I'm fat. When I told my thin sister what I was going to do, the other one came to the hospital with me to help organise things . All she could say was that my chubby sister would be the ONLY fat one left. I was in tears but my younger sister looked at me and said she was talking total rot. (Not the words she used) I'm still going ahead with my decision although my family are worried, but even my husband is now looking forward not backwards. In fact the other day he said---- only 30 days to go and we can start a new chapter in our lives. Sorry for going on.