How has your relationship changed since WLS?

[shelbell]

Thanks, Shell - do you think that you being less need made him more needy? I must confess me and my weight have been such a taboo subject for so long that talking about it is quite new for us.
Lxx

I don't think it has no, he's not really changed at all. He's displaying his love for me a lot more, well I say he is, it might be just that I'm noticing it more, if that makes sense.

I know what you mean about taboo, tez came with me to my pre-op appointments but I sent him out the room every time I got weighed cos I didn't want him to know how much it was. Similar with dress sizes, when I started shrinking I wouldn't say oooh I'm in a 22 now etc, until I got down to an 18. Now he knows my size (but still not my weight lol).

He knows your weight is an issue for you, and he probably has an idea of your weight and your dress size. I doubt its a taboo to him, except to protect your feelings, so it's going to be up to you to stop it being a taboo for you.

 

[tammy]

Thanks, Tammy - that's wonderful! Got to say :wow: amazing weight loss! You must feel very proud.
Lxx

Thanks Liz, i still can't believe at times how much i have lost. i feel great and can honestly say that having the bypass has changed my life completely. take care hun x

 

[LizzieBee]

I don't think it has no, he's not really changed at all. He's displaying his love for me a lot more, well I say he is, it might be just that I'm noticing it more, if that makes sense.

I know what you mean about taboo, tez came with me to my pre-op appointments but I sent him out the room every time I got weighed cos I didn't want him to know how much it was. Similar with dress sizes, when I started shrinking I wouldn't say oooh I'm in a 22 now etc, until I got down to an 18. Now he knows my size (but still not my weight lol).

He knows your weight is an issue for you, and he probably has an idea of your weight and your dress size. I doubt its a taboo to him, except to protect your feelings, so it's going to be up to you to stop it being a taboo for you.

Hmmm.... It still feels like my dirty secret. I can talk about it in general now but to get down to actual numbers fills me with fear! When I told him that I'd spoken to my GP about WLS he was surprised as he didn't think it bothered me that much... I guess we have all been the fat, jolly person even to our nearest and dearest! Thanks Shell, I shall try and be braver and open up more to him - might need a glass of vino or two!
Lxx

 

[LizzieBee]

Thanks Liz, i still can't believe at times how much i have lost. i feel great and can honestly say that having the bypass has changed my life completely. take care hun x

Have been for a peek at your piccies - you look fabulous!
Lxx

 

[phatgirl]

Lizzie, weight and your partner is always tricky if they are sensitive to your feelings. They don't want to upset you. My hubbs never mentioned it when I started to balloon up. By having him at all of my appointments pre-op and involving him in my recovery it has given him permission to talk to me about my eating/exercise/weight loss that I don't think he felt comfortable with before I started my wls journey. He now acts as my conscience about things like exercise and portion size. It has really helped me.

I think Shel said it well when she said talking is the key, it really, really is!!

 

[LizzieBee]

Lizzie, weight and your partner is always tricky if they are sensitive to your feelings. They don't want to upset you. My hubbs never mentioned it when I started to balloon up. By having him at all of my appointments pre-op and involving him in my recovery it has given him permission to talk to me about my eating/exercise/weight loss that I don't think he felt comfortable with before I started my wls journey. He now acts as my conscience about things like exercise and portion size. It has really helped me.

I think Shel said it well when she said talking is the key, it really, really is!!

Perhaps giving my OH the numbers but may just help him to understand a little more. He is a very logical/scientific person so I think giving him the facts will be a must. I must say i would prefer him to be involved in every step too.

Of course, you're right that to have such a devoted personal life-coach must be a help.

 

[Mynewlife]

When I lost about 5 stone through diet and exercise back in 1992, my confidence grew leaps and bound and I really came out of my shell. I obviously gained all that back and more and sank into deep depression (as you do) and lost that confidence and gained low self esteem. Since having my band fitted and losing 3 stone, I can honestly say that I do not feel any difference at the moment. I am still on anti depressants, still have a low self esteem and feel that this is not happening to me. One day, and hopefully soon, I will start to see that light at the end of my tunnel, start to gain a bit more confidence and shed the low self esteem coat that I wear. I cant seem to get into a flow, I cant seem to move forward and keep seem to be getting into a rut. I am keeping everything crossed waiting for the light switch to come on and things start falling into place.:cry: It didnt seem to take this long when I lost the weight last time to gain some confidence and some self esteem, I just hope it will kick into gear in the new year, not long to wait for 2009 and start seeing the improvements :wave_cry: Really going to be a case of mind over matter.

take care lol
MNL

 

[Mynewlife]

Oh and I also have to add that my husband did treat me differently when I lost the 5 stone before. I am embarrassed for him now, I wont go to any of his christmas parties and once when he was having a work colleague over, I went out and sat in my car in a layby because I was embarrassed to meet any of his friends from work, I was embarrassed for him. He has never said anything about my weight and says constantly that he loves me for who I am. His only concern is for my health, and if I am happy then he is happy. When I was thinner he changed emotionally, he became somewhat more attentive, and to be honest I could not cope with the attention, found it really hard and uncomfortable to have that sort of attention from him. We have been married 29 years and have a great relationship, but the attention was overwhelming. Also because of my self esteem issues, colleagues at work have started to notice that I am losing the weight and wearing nicer, modern clothes. The attention that they show me, and the comments that they make make me feel uncomfortable also. I find it really hard to respond to any positive comments and feel that they have some deep alterior motive. Have any of you experienced this also?? or am I a freak of nature:break_diet:

thanks for any input
MNL

 

[LizzieBee]

Hi MNL
Thanks for sharing that, do you think the exercise gave you the good-feeling boost the last time? I can imagine it is difficult to adjust to not being able to feel better by opening fridge. As I'm new to this please excuse any ignorance - do they offer counselling or psycological support with WLS? I would have thought that our heads need a much care as our tummies?
Lxx

 

[shelbell]

Depends on the PCT Lizzie. I had psyche assessments pre-op and see a psyche post op but that seems to be rare.

MNL, I would strongly recommend that you ask your GP to refer you for counselling. I understand where you are at, I felt a lot of what you are feeling now a few years ago. I had NHS counselling and it truly changed my life.

Also, if you are a reader, try Susan Jeffer's Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway. Fabulous book.

 

[LizzieBee]

I shall get on Amazon straight away - I ordered two books by Carnie Wilson last week. Thanks for the recommendation, Shel! You must keep looking at those BMI and lbs lost numbers with a huge grin!

MNL, I also have had counselling, sometimes it gets a bad name but if you connect with the counsellor it can be life changing in a the most positive way! Don't be afraid to ask to see a different counsellor if you cannot connect after a couple of sessions - it makes all the difference!

Lxx

 

[mandy-1975]

A lot of my relationships have changed, I lost a friendship, and my relationship with my hubby is stronger....... although he is rather insecure, we are good!!!! My relationship with my father has just got worse........ (to long to retype - need to read my thread!) but for once I don't feel guilty.... I feel stronger!!!!!

 

[LizzieBee]

A lot of my relationships have changed, I lost a friendship, and my relationship with my hubby is stronger....... although he is rather insecure, we are good!!!! My relationship with my father has just got worse........ (to long to retype - need to read my thread!) but for once I don't feel guilty.... I feel stronger!!!!!

Oh Mandy, I have read your thread - what a crappy Christmas, so sorry that your family had to go through that. It does seem as though your Dad will never be able to look at his guilt and without that a healthy relationship with him doesn't look possible. So glad you are stronger now but the disappointment is still a killer, we can't help 'hoping' that our parents will come through for us and say those magic words to allow us to see they finally 'get it'. They usually 'get it' when we have stopped waiting to forgive them.
Your OH sounds like a great bloke, I am sure his insecurity will pass!
You must be incredibly proud of yourself - for so many reasons! arty0011:
Lxx

 

[mandy-1975]

Thanks Lizzie!!! I will never get what I want or deserve from either of my parents... but I more than make up for it with a loving husband and son and all my wonderful friends......

 

[LizzieBee]

I have a friend who calls her parents 'The Accidents of Birth' - needless to say she doesn't see them at all but has used the experiences to ensure she always treats her friends and family with thought and care - I am regularly very grateful for that!
Lxx

 

[Mynewlife]

Hiya Shel

I am having counselling through my gp, I have had two sessions so far and am due to have my third one on January 8th. I have deep seeded issues,which I can tell you relate to an awful event that happened when I was 10 years old- needless to say it has to do with my dad. Like others in this thread, I have no real relationship with my father, I am civil to him and visit my parents about once a month, but only do this out of respect for my mother, who I am close to. I know it sounds awful, but if my mum when first, I wouldn't be visiting my dad much. I am a firm believer that my problems stem from my childhood and think I have some validation to this as I was in counselling at 10 because of what my dad did. I was not sexually abused by him, he would never do that but it was mental and emotional abuse. I cant let go of what happened even though it was 37 years ago, I am trying to learn to let it go and move on, but then I am afraid that if I let it go, what will i have to hold onto?? its like swimming in the middle of the ocean and someone removes your lifevest. I am working on trying to address this though:cry:.
mnl

 

[phatgirl]

Oh hun, big big hugs to you. To further use your metaphor for how you feel, with therapy you let go of the life vest (old hurts) and realize that shore is in sight and all you have to do is swim a bit and you will get there. We all feel adrift sometimes and our childhood issues do follow us. My heart goes out to you and I wish you wonderful success in healing your body as well as your mind. Weight is not just carried on the body but in the mind as well.

We are here to support you and hope that the professionals you are looking to will give you the peace you seek. However, like Lizzie says if the relationship doesn't click with the therapist you are seeing, ask for another because your comfort is an important part of therapy.

Take care hun.

 

[LizzieBee]

MNL - you may even find that the lifevest was a great sack of bricks and it was that keeping you out in the water after all! Some days it does all feel like the most horrendous hard work - but what is more deserving of your perseverance than your happiness - after 37, you deserve it, girlfriend!
Hugs to you
Lxx