My Ramblings...

[A.Positive]

Thank you all!

I cannot tell you how utterly thrilled and hopeful I am. Even if the Bypass does not go ahead, the team dietician tells me that I will have the feeding tube in no longer that 3 weeks! Hoorah!

The plateau seems to have come to an end; I am now 7 stone 9 lbs. My children are starting make comments about my wrinkly bottom, lack of thighs and boobage. Just to think just before I had surgery I was breastfeeding a 2 year old, my breasts were the size of my head. Now they look like, burst balloons! Ha!

I knew that was thin but today I really saw it. I wore leggings and then a thick, short jacket. I always wear a woolly hat because I am so cold and looked very ill. I cannot wait to be able to eat a well balanced diet. I was actually salivating over pictures of salads and veggie soups over on Pinterest. Chickpeas, Lentils, Avocados, Tomatoes, Squash, Pumpkin!

I watched 2 documentaries today; Vegucated and Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. Very eye opening. I really feel that I am going to enjoy this part of my journey. Veganism and learning to eat what my body needs and not wants. What an exciting challenge.

Almost any situation can be made better if our mindsets are correct. All that worry about weight gain and failure are normal but so counter-productive (especially at this stage) and I am knew that. Breath and relax.

Today my husband took me to Primark and bought me quite a few sets of nightwear. Heck, if I am spending so much time wrapped up indoors, I may as well look good right? Lovely flannelette sets and the thickest fleecy dressing gown I have ever seen! I didn't last long in town, I am exhausted now but it was nice to get out together and walk around with our youngest son who does not go to nursery on Fridays.

I had bought a toy for our friends little boy but Maxwell did not understand that it was not for him. He wanted to play with it and when he could not decided the best course of action was to lay down in the middle of the aisle. Well, my husband and I decided to wave him goodbye and walk on a, in a bid to get him to come along with us. Do you know the boy, looked at us, smiled, waved and then ran out of the main entrance!?

 

[Yvessa]

lol!!

 

[chrisa]

aw bless pleased you have had a positive day xxxx

 

[Angie E]

Hi there Apositive, I'm so glad the hospital is able to sort the problem out. I'm sure you must be counting the days. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[A.Positive]

Hmm, I feel as if I should name my Sleeve. Its funeral is fast approaching and it would be improper for it me to bid it farewell with no name surely? Steve the Sleeve, is too obvious. What about Peeve the Sleeve? Or perhaps something a little less rhymey or without the word Sleeve in it? "Ugh" or some other kind of groaning sound. Or perhaps just a look of despair on my face each time I refer to it. Kind of like Sign Language!? Answers on a postcard folks. This needs to happen.

"It" seems to be misbehaving even more so lately. My beloved Coconut Water takes hours to pass through it and is causing such discomfort. It feels as if the fluid is backing up into my Oesophagus which as you can imagine isn't very pleasant. Its all very odd.

I have been making notes today. It feels as if I am doing this for the very first time and I have a plan of action. Things I will need immediately post op have been ordered-all Vegan!! I have also been in talks with the Bariatric Surgeon I mentioned in a previous post who endorses a plant based diet post Bypass. I am feeling very confident and excited about the future. He advises, not to count macros (something I had planned to do) and just focus on a whole food diet. So, nuts, seeds, dark green leafy veggies, beans, grains. He also suggests keeping a brief journal of the things we eat. There is such interesting information and testimonials from his long term patients over on his Facebook page.

I am back on the Mindful Meditation bandwagon. It felt so good to push the procrastination to one side and get on with it. The life I envisage will take a VERY long time to materialise if I continued to ignore the pull towards this tool. I am hoping to continue with therapy but at present I am unsure who this will be with. I really do want to find a person who is trained in Mindfulness (as my last therapist was).

This quote spoke to me today, I am going to put it in my journal of daily teachings as a constant reminder.

"No one is coming to rescue you from yourself; your inner demons, your lack of confidence, your dissatisfaction with yourself and life. Only self-love and good decisions will rescue you."
— Jenni Young

I am going to get my suitcase all packed tomorrow, Epilate my legs and underarms (something that I find particularly difficult to do now that they are so hollow and the skin is loose. There is nothing quite like your skin being caught in the rotary system of an Epilator to make your eyes pop!!). Is it normal for me to be this excited about packing new Jim Jams? My mum came over yesterday with a bag full! All brand new and in size 8; I tried them on and they had a bit of room to spare. Gosh!

I'm feeling very weak and shaky today, in fact I have been feeling this way since Saturday. My legs feel like rubber and my hands are taking a little bit of time to respond. I am still hopeful and excited though and whatever happens next is just fine with me.

 

[Kar8858]

Apositive, all the best this week, i have been following your post and all i can say is keep going and good luck.

 

[lynseyscott]

Good luck a positive. I love reading your posts xx

 

[Lilacglittergirl]

I will be thinking of you this week - and wish so much luck. Hugs a million xxx

 

[Andie1962]

Best of luck in the world xx

 

[chrisa]

[

"No one is coming to rescue you from yourself; your inner demons, your lack of confidence, your dissatisfaction with yourself and life. Only self-love and good decisions will rescue you."
— Jenni Young

HI Apostive love the reading, so very true and good to read that will be one I won't forget and keep coming back to.

I am so pleased your time is almost here for this momentous occasion, no one should have to suffer what you have, its time to shake off the old and buckle up with the new. I will say a little prayer for you that all goes to plan and the op goes ahead as planned. Stay calm and rested and at last hopefully your body will receive its long awaited nourishment. Stay strong and focusses you will sort this. Awaiting the good news when it happens and look forward to following you progress xxxx

 

[A.Positive]

Today, I had a lengthy telephone conversation with a lovely who I had met on this very site. It was eye opening and somewhat comforting. So many times we believe that we are going through or feeling something that is completely unique to us. That there is no one alive that could possibly understand. I take refuge in the words that so many of you are brave enough share; your history's with food, your battle to overcome your deep rooted demons and the fears that plague you after surgery. I value each and everyone one of you and the support network we have created.

Part of our chat really struck a chord with me because it was closely linked to something that had crossed my mind a few times before. However, I always dismissed the notion as absurd. But was it, really?

After coming close to death earlier this I began my search for a more simple life. I wanted to cut back on the amount of social media I used, the amount of television I watched. I had had to close my business due to ill health but I came to the conclusion that that was a good thing. Yes, we had less money but now I actually had time to think , to plan, to create a life for myself that wasn't thrown together by chance. Living with too much meant there was no time to do things mindfully. My children had less of me, I didn't see my friends, I was morbidly obese and ill to boot. I existed and in that state I could not hope for anything else.

Once I made the decision to start cutting back and cultivating a life that I was proud of, it became addictive. While I gave it my all, I was thrilled with the benefits I was reaping. But, I allowed myself to get caught up in the saga of my journey and I became swamped with distractions and life's trappings. I wanted those things to soothe me instead. These things had no "heart" they were empty and so was I, yet again. As you know, I am now working on getting that life back.

So, my fleeting thoughts last week were this. Could I give up my life here in London with my husband (as I know he would not come with me) for one in another country? Or the green and peaceful countryside? Could I bundle my children off to pastures new, to a place that was more conducive to simple living? I am that serious about my recovery and finding a place in life that makes me truly happy and I have come to the stage in my life where I don't want to waste any more time. I believe that my children would greatly benefit from such a lifestyle change too. London is so rough and tumble and I often worry about them growing up here.

So many of us feel this way in regards to our WLS's; we step out of our rigid comfort zones in order to break the habits that got us to where we were. Through trial and elimination we find (hopefully) what will keep us on the straight and narrow for the most part. Isn't other aspects of our lives a lot like this too?

My husband eats what he wants, when he wants. He applies moderation and does not understand food addiction or emotional eating. In order to aid with my recovery I once asked him to put all the treats in a lock box. This would be his and then I wouldn't have my "trigger foods" surrounding me when I felt I could not cope. He did this for a while but then began to purchase so much junk that they could not fit in the box. Now they litter the top of the cupboard, one cupboard itself and a drawer in the fridge. I have asked him not to buy them (I am mindful of how many the children have) but he simply cannot comprehend my fears and says that I need to get to a place where I can simply say no. Fair enough, but I until I get there I would expect his support. All that being said, I would hate to give you the impression that he isn't supportive and loving on the whole. He is a good man.

This is where my thoughts of breaking free came from. How are far am I willing to go to protect my new way of life and my ideals? Am I being crazy?

Is this something that any of you would consider or have done?

 

[Bear]

Apositive, 3 years ago after losing both my parents within a few years of each other, and fed up with the constant struggle of London and South East, as a family we upped, sold our house and moved to the Country. The last three years have been a huge learning curve, and although we aren't completely happy with the small village we live in, we will almost certainly spend the rest of our days with a less complicated lifestyle and within 15 miles or so of where we are now. My children are now 12 and 8, and although I believe my 12 yr old may gravitate towards the South East in the future, they currently have the childhood that we'd always dreamed of. Moor walking, farms, the coastline and relative safety.

We were called crazy for doing it at the time, but I've made some amazing friends here. Life is for living. When you're by-passed I hope things become real for you. X

 

[chrisa]

I don't think I know what to say to be honest, talk to your husband share your thoughts as much as you can if not all of the concerns and what your ultimate goal is. Together you may find a solution/compromise or you may decide to go it alone. You have been to deaths door and that really does put a different perspective on things. You need to together discuss the pro's and cons and take some time before the big decision is made. Good luck with the op hope everything goes ok when you are through the otherside and stabilised health wise then discuss it full on. You may even find some things change again. I have found through this weight loss journey our minds and thinking processes can be our worst enemies, not all the times but some of the time. The grass is always greener on the otherside but that doesn't mean we shouldn't think about trying it, if its meant to be it will happen.

Just hang on in there until this op is out of the way. Then look at everything with fresh eyes. xx take care of yourself xxx

 

[Stacey83]

I totally understand where you're coming from as I was talking to a friend today about how I've been waiting for my op for so long and now it's done and dusted it's time to leave London and find a happy place in the sun...for me this is New Zealand. However, I don't have children or a loving and supportive husband to consider. I also don't have a tough couple of months ahead with a bypass and I'm still scared by my impulse to ship out!

I'd urge you to STOP for a moment, have your bypass and get your strength back and weight on track. Use this time to reflect and rest. Keep trying to educate your husband and don't stop until he gets it. If you can't get through tell him you need him to get it if he is going to stay married to you. Talk to him about your dream of a quiet life out of London and why you want to do it, the pros and cons...

So often when we are unhappy or conflicted internally we think that an external change will fix us - in 12 step programmes this is referred to as "doing a geographical" but as I'm sure you know there is only so long you can "run" from yourself and your character flaws before you need to address yourself.

Stop getting ahead of yourself, focus on your bypass, getting healthy and happy then reassess your desire to up your kids and leave hubby - if it is still the best way forward once you're on track to good health then do it...

We only live once so go for it but pick your moment carefully, timing is everything and it's all in the detail.

S XX

 

[Bear]

Really wise advice Stacey. X

 

[A.Positive]

Stacey, I came to this conclusion today. Even I made the choice to relocate there would be something else that "attacked" my attempts at a simple life. I need to stay calm and keep discovering coping mechanisms that will see me through, whether my husbands gets my struggle or not.

I have just arrived on the ward. I am settled. xxx

 

[Bear]

Oh wow, it's all been done then? Fantastic news.

 

[A.Positive]

Nothing has been done my love. I got here at 9ish. I am just waiting. xx

 

[Lilacglittergirl]

Wow Apositive! Great you are out of theatre. I know you will fill us in with how it went when you are up to it. Fingers crossed for this being the start of a new life for you. Sending you lots of love and light xx

My only advice is that your experience of WLS so far has been exceptional (in a deeply negative way). Overwelming! I would park any ideas of where your future is heading until you are back on course and stable. This may not be the best time to make drastic changes. It will all work out in the end, and take the route it is meant to ... xxx

 

[Bear]

Nothing has been done my love. I got here at 9ish. I am just waiting. xx

Got my days mixed up. Thought it was Thursday today. Hope you're able to rest tonight ready for tomorrow.