Offering potentially unwelcomed advice

[ryanrara]

A week a go I did something, that was meant with good intention, but was actually ill though of and wrong. I was on the train home to Dudley, from Birmingham, and all through my journey there was a woman sat across me, perhaps 35. Elegant, well dressed, polite and so on. However she was large, easily 25 stone plus. But this was and is none of my business. But being post op and having huge success, I often tell people about how great WLS is and how it not only changed my life but saved it too. What I did though on this train journey was wrong and I can't stop feeling so bad about it. On my own whim I went up to this woman, a few minutes before my stop, and asked her politely if she would mind if I had a quick chat with her. Like any upstanding citizen, she had no idea why but said no problem. I then started by saying I can see you carry a bit of weight, have you ever thought of having weight loss surgery. I didn't really give her much chance to reply, instead I went on saying how I was post op and had lost 12.5 stone, how brilliant it was and told her she should speak to her GP. This poor woman never once moaned or said anything negative but smiled and nodded etc, played nice. My stop came and I got off and as I glimpsed back I could see the hurt in her face, behind the false smile. I basically just told this woman she was fat and her only solution that I could see was surgery. What an insult to give a woman, an evidentally nice woman. I feel so bad. And just keep thinking what if scenario's. My comments could have done complete opposite to what they were intended for. And keep thinking that chances are I ruined her festive season. Nobody wants to be told they need surgery. I didn’t. My lesson is luckily learnt and I will never say such things to a complete stranger. I am sorry for this.

 

[Yvessa]

I would agree with this Ryan - its one thing to talk about personal success and I do, especially if people ask. But I would never suggest it to someone, because if they're not asking themselves they're not ready to consider it.

 

[Snow White]

Ummm, I am not sure what to say. I totally get your heart was in the right place. I tell everyone for the most part. But, not in that context. I think everyone has to be ready to make a change. I could be projecting my feelings on this woman. But, the train is a place where I always felt very vulnerable and extra aware of my size. If someone had done that to me, I would have cried once you got off at your stop.

I don't want you to feel bad. I know where you are coming from and think the same sometimes. It's like we have become privy to a special secret and the feeling is so great we want to share it with those that remind us of our former self. But, there is a time and a place.

 

[tealovingsleever]

You've learnt from it and that's the lesson here. Your heart was in the right place so don't beat yourself up about it.

 

[butterflyinprogress]

You can't change what's happened, and I'm sure a few of us recieved similar "advice" at some point along our journey....maybe just maybe it is one comment that could help her on her journey should she be on one... I know I had a few that cemented my desire to change....that being said don't do it again lol!

 

[julesburns]

I had a stranger tell me once that I looked like Beth ditto. I was devestated and immediately went on a diet and started looking at surgery options. She was mean for saying it but it gave me the kick up the bum I needed.

 

[amanda577]

I think the fact that you realised albeit after the fact that although well meant it probably was a bit insensitive to suggest surgery out of the blue like that, tells me that you have a kind heart and will think twice before charging in again... But it is hard to keep it to yourself... I just want to shout it from the rooftops sometimes, it is just so life changing
xx

 

[Popadopalous]

Although your intentions were great, I can't but feel you may have just lowered the womans confidence even more.

We've all been there and none of us liked when someone pointed out our weight issues, however true it may be. We all remember how we've felt when someone makes a comment, good or bad, about our weight issues.

I think you should have focused on the good points with this woman instead of the bad. A random stranger telling her she is beautiful would have boosted her confidence so much more.

I feel like I want to tell my own story to every overweight person and help them change their own lives but sometimes it's just better not to.

 

[daisylou]

I remember at a pamper night someone telling me that it was important to do nice things for myself at this time and then asked when I was due! My friends hadn't heard what she said and I just had to leave immediately. As soon as I got into my car I couldn't stop sobbing. I had made an effort to look nice that night and I was devastated. My friends told me afterwards she was very apologetic. I think the only thing that I take from that night was that she won't make that assumption again. But whilst it hurt at the time it also helped me on my way. I agree with other people and think they have to find out about wls in their own time.

 

[Angela1310]

I can only say what a shame, what started out as a good intention more than likely hurt that poor ladies feelings.

My size never really knocked my confidence or made me feel bad. Family and friends were always commenting about my weight. My attitude and answer was hang on it doesnt worry me so why are you concerned. I was reared in a house with 5 brothers so I have heard every cruel nasty comment that could possibly be said out loud.

Only once have I reacted to a comment and I was more angry than hurt. Two young girls stacking shelves in Morrisons, one of them felt the need to nudge her friend and out loud say "bloody hell isnt she fat" giggle giggle. I was going to ignore them but my temper rose, I marched over and said at the top of my voice "I may be fat but I am not deaf and to be honest I am not stupid, I am not the one stacking shelves on minimum wage" I then walked off to the amazed stares of the two girls and a few other shoppers.

The reason I am having WLS now is the added weight is affecting my health. As my husband says "you had it good long enough, now you need to get fit" hmmm he does have a point

 

[top_kat]

There is a very big difference about telling someone about your own weight loss surgery and its success and how its worked for you (as in shouting it from the rooftops) than telling someone else they should think about it and talk to their GP! And I'm not quite sure how telling that to anyone could really be a good intention - after all it isn't anyone's business anyway!

My stop came and I got off and as I glimpsed back I could see the hurt in her face, behind the false smile. I basically just told this woman she was fat and her only solution that I could see was surgery. What an insult to give a woman, an evidentally nice woman.

What an insult to anyone. I think you were lucky to escape a right ear bashing in all honesty and what a shame that she was left feeling so hurt.

 

[penelope1008]

You did something with the best of intentions & sadly as with the road to hell being paved with them it sadly bit back at you.
Don't be to tough on yourself you may have chosen the wrong way to express your concerns & what had worked for you but it was with the best intentions. I'm sorry it backfired on you with luck next time you'll be a little more careful in how you approach the subject having learnt the hard way sometimes good intentions are better kept to ourselves.

Sent from my iPhone using WLSurgery

 

[emma-louise]

Don't be to hard on yourself,it's done now.
And who knows...you may have made this lady think twice about maybe doing something about her weight once the initial shock of you talking about her carrying extra weight.

 

[JoeH]

What's good for some maybe isn't as good for others. Learn from it and move on. We all take this journey decision ourselves. I'm sure if this lady felt wls was necessary, she'd consider it herself and attend a seminar etc.

 

[yorkiegal]

oh dear. I know you meant well but I would have been mortified if somebody had done that to me.
I can understand why you did it though. I've seen people in town whom I walk past regularly and have had to resist the urge to go up and tell them how fabulous a bypass is. But not everyone wants to lose the weight. When they're ready they will find us lol.

I have experienced quite a few overweight people who live near me who have come up and enquired how I lost so much weight and then I'm more than happy to tell them.

 

[girlygirl1]

I'd have been mortified, too. At our top weight we try very hard to make the best of ourselves - clothes, makeup, hair, fragrance - and this lady probably felt she looked at least 'okay' - perhaps 'nice'. So to have you say what you did may well have destroyed her and not just that day but for many days and weeks to come.

Of course you did not mean to offend! You meant well, as we so often do. But offend you most certainly did. I can visualise the pain in her face, because I've been there; so have most here.

I'm sure you learned a valuable lesson.

 

[lyzzyanne]

I have been that woman so I have an idea how she is feeling.

I was on a cruise with my parents as their carer, pre op, pre even thinking about the op.

I was approached by this couple, woman in a wheel chair and her husband. They said just as you did and I was mortified. I consider myself to be a strong person and I was shocked that I actually cried.

It wasn't their conversation that prompted me to seek help.

I am not knocking you because you had the best of intentions but that couple did nothing for me and I spent the rest of the cruise walking the other way when i saw them coming.

 

[scooter81]

Ryan, the people who know you know that you mentioned this to her out of sincerity and not malicious intent, however as I said to u yesterday I'd have walloped you! She didn't and I know you regret that day. Its not what you say its how you say it, and knowing you one a personal level in real life have no doubt that what you said was with encouragement and condsideration. Whether she took it that way I dunno.. Your a smashing bloke, top bloke in fact just take it as a lesson learned as with the rest of this new life we have. Draw a line in the sand and move on.. Have a great new year, might see u monday night will let u know tomorrow x

 

[stuckinafatsuit]

Oh dear, i remember being very sensitive and defensive about my size and someone even said i looked like Mary from the X factor!! shes got 15 years on me so i was devastated.
Nothing you can do about it now but if by chance you see her again, you can put things right.

Kim