BandedHuns Mad Fat Diary

[BandedHun]

I've just reminded myself of a story when I was younger that shows my food addiction and its relationship to how it am now with food.... Gosh this is embarrassing...

We were going on a long car journey and my parents stopped and brought one of the tins at the petrol station that contains the boiled sweets with power in them. I remember all I could do was focus on the tin and prey it was getting opened. When they did finally open it, I'd take one and sneak another. The whole journey I couldn't relax until I got another sweet, they were open, they needed to be eaten. . . This is crazy thinking. Like a junkie buying crack, couldn't save some for later, I needed it now and it all to be gone.

Into my adult life I was the same. On food shopping days we'd buy all the crips bread chocolate etc, and I couldn't leave it in the fridge or cupboard all week, I needed to have it that night in case anyone else in the house had it... Crazy thinking.

Its crazy having a foods addiction and I love the fact that more and more des surgeon and people are starting to understand the impact is has and the fact its real ( although there are a lot of people out there whoa don't understand and you read the comments websites such as just stop being greedy and stop eating) it's not about that, it's the compulsive behaviour and thoughts that underline the "need" to eat it. Like blokes who have to have a pint, the couples that have to have there wine to relax the stressed out parent or stock broker who has to have this cigarette. Food is no different.

I think the emotional side is a lot harder to over come than the physical but I figured for me the band would not enable me to be able to let the mind kick in. The thoughts will still be there, but I physically will have control ( once I reach the green zone)

To infinity and beyond..........

 

[BandedHun]

So lying here in bed the night before my op.

Managed to take all my measurements prior to surgery and also the dresses before pictures ( I could be sick looking at them) I think - what have I done to myself- I'm vile.

Got me thinking, as well as weight goals and size goals what other reasons am I doing this for. On a day to day basis, what are the reasons that have lead me to going down this road of having a band put in.... So here's my list


o bending down- I want to be able to bend down without a rubber ring around my waist.
o crossing my legs- sitting there fat, my legs don't touch infact u can't hardly cross them
o looking in the mirror - I hate my reflection or looking in the mirror ... Avoid avoid avoid
o summertime - love it but hate it, short arm tops no! sumo wrestler is gross looking in the summer
o sweating - I swear so much when I get out the shower
o walking upstairs - it's not impossible but im staring to get out if breathe
o my road running - I can't do it at this weight, my knees hurt, my feet kills ... This is bad
o Energy levels- crud food makes me lethargic and sleep loads ... I want more energy
o cheap clothes shop - I want to be able to fit in primark clothing , infact any shop will do without thinking about it
o confidence - I want to feel confident
o like myself - I want to want to look after myself I want to like the person I am rather than hate myself (
o I don't want to cry anymore - because I'm so lonely inside and fat and feeling worthless
o suicidal thoughts- the sitting in my bathroom floor desperate and feeling hopeless I dint want to feel that because I've failed again

There are possibly more but these are the ones late at night that I want that are goals for my feelings.

I haven't set a goal weight yet. I'd love to get to 10.7 that's a 5st 3lb loss I need. I'd love to be a size 10/12 again. Most of all I want to not be controlled by the food.

I'm petrified if I'm honest , but I know it's the right thing, I'm scared of being alone tomorrow. In fact all weekend. No one to talk to cry to. I just know it might make me a stronger person. The weight gain has made me weak and unhappy and hopeless and that feeling nothing was going to get better. Tomorrow is hope. I know I'll be in pain but it's got to be worth it.

I'm doing this in my 30s ( just turned 30) I didn't want to leave it any longer. I didn't want to be one if those people who said, I wish I did it earlier.

I'll keep everyone posted tomorrow.

Bye bye the tummy I was born with. The tummy I neglected, abused, didn't trust, look after or love. Hopefully my new band will help my tummy recover from my awful treatment of such a phenomenal organ .....

Roll on tomorrow .... God bless x

 

[emmahc1975]

Just wanted to wish you all the best for tomorrow. Have a good 'un!

 

[BandedHun]

Thanks Ems.
Scared to death, think if I had my OH with me is be ok but alone I'm scared.

I just want to be four weeks down the line. I want my weight to come off, let the hard work and new tool begin!!!

Heres to my new tummy and slim future xx

 

[louloumoo]

I went it alone, transport picked me up at 5 am... And I was off.. Spent the day alone waiting.. Took my laptop and watched a film.. Then transport home in the morning... No one home till tea time that day.
I got myself in that mess and I got myself out.
No one in my family understood fully, so so supportive but didn't get the whole food addict shiz (well apart from my Dad, but he's a bloke and doesn't talk) but then only u guys do... I loved your sweets in a tin story and can relate sooooo much, unfortunately I do still behave and obsess that way even now!
So good luck, try and sleep, and don't worry all will be great...
Sending loads of love xxxx

 

[BandedHun]

Thanks Louloumoo.

Love it when you write from the heart and people can relate, it helps so much in the therapy of understanding and healing and acceptance.

Will keep you posted, can't wait to be you and enjoying my maintenance.,,, that's ultimately what I'm after .

Sweet dreams xxx

 

[BandedHun]

Operation day ----- > 04:00 hrs <-----------

So I'm up and awake, ready to go. Nervous , excited but i think I'm more apprehensive . Unknown about the pain, the hospital, the driver, the waiting. Yes the waiting. Once it's done, it's done- recover and get myself sorted.

Physical work - to work with the band, make the investment in myself work

Emotional work - get my head round the fact food doesn't equal happiness, walks in the sunshine, playing with my girl, holding hands, they are things that should make be happy.

This is going to be a long rocky road but hopefully a worthwhile one, one that's sees my weight loss stay with me forever, not a six month period whilst it all creeps back on over night as the bad habits kick back in....

 

[clare-revised]

Operation day ----- > 04:00 hrs <-----------

So I'm up and awake, ready to go. Nervous , excited but i think I'm more apprehensive . Unknown about the pain, the hospital, the driver, the waiting. Yes the waiting. Once it's done, it's done- recover and get myself sorted.

Physical work - to work with the band, make the investment in myself work

Emotional work - get my head round the fact food doesn't equal happiness, walks in the sunshine, playing with my girl, holding hands, they are things that should make be happy.

This is going to be a long rocky road but hopefully a worthwhile one, one that's sees my weight loss stay with me forever, not a six month period whilst it all creeps back on over night as the bad habits kick back in....

Food = fuel NOT friend

Good luck for today, see you on the loosing side post op x

 

[BandedHun]

Couldn't have said it better!!! Thanks Clare xx

 

[clare-revised]

I've done it myself....got fuel & friend muddled!!! Having said that foods not the enemy either, post op you will readjust dynamics in your relationship with 'food'....I guess simple terms, your taking back control....it's empowering xx

 

[WeightlossDreamer]

Good luck Hun! You understand the need to change so I think you'll be fine! See you on the other side x

 

[BandedHun]

Day started being picked up at 4:45 instead of 4am. So the 3:30 start could have actually been me getting up at 4am. I'm not a complainer honest... And the driver service at THG is lovely, Steve is great, caring trusting and nice to chat to... He let me catch up my hours sleep (( bring a cushion with you if you travelling far- nice snooze for the 2.50 hour journey))

So I arrived at 7.10 am greeted to a reception full of people. It's an impressive hospital but not the expectation of a private hospital ( water stained chairs - not that it bothered me, good old NHS girl) but just expected higher standards, like hand blow dryers that are 20 years old with no power to dry your hands. McDobalds have the new Dyson super fast dryers and this hospital is struggling with it's brown 80s electric dryer! Lol ... First impressions N'all!!!

Sat in my seat and looked around to all the different people here having whatever procedures they were having. 10 minutes late some older woman comesin. Loud. Immobile. Sits opposite me and taps me on the knee asking me " what you having done? really loudly I just starred at her before being made to feel like I had to tell her "band" I whispered... Oh me too. I lost 3st already! I felt that was so rude. Now baring in mind only my OH knows. I was mortified. Thinking everyone's looking at me now. I got my magazine out and get tapped on the knee again... " what do you weigh?" Seriously!!!! Do u want to make me any more self conscious. . . Y me? I just wanted to be left alone into thoughts.

Called in 30 minutes later (which felt like hours) to meet a nurse and have bloods taken. Which was fine, I didn't pass out thank god - as it is usually me that suffers like that. Thank god I didn't.

Sitting waiting in the reception and all these skinny bruised girls walking out in there matching chav suits all having had boobs and nose jobs- I started thinking ... This will be me tomorrow - all in pain. ( least my bruising won't be so obvious- I hope unless the surgeon accidentally doesn't strap me into the bed and under GA I come sliding off as they lift the bed up on its hydraulics and I come flying off))) oh how funny would that be? " miss Bandedhun u may notice your Legs are severely bruised... You fell off the bed as we forgot to strap u in... Here have a lollipop and a sticker!"

Waited over two and half hours for my room. Eventually in the room. They are big, lots of room, big en suite. Basic though. I think when you pay private you have an expectation that the standards are high, really all it seems is you pay for a faster surgery date. The nurses seem nice.

As soon as I got in my room my consultant came and saw me. He's said there is no fill being put in the band.... I remembered to ask! Thank god!!!!

I dont know how I feel right now. Nervous? Not really. Maybe a little excitement. Been thinking what weight I could loose on this if I work hard and dedicate myself to using it to it's full potential. So maybe I will set my goal as 140lbs??? That's 84lb to loose, that sounds a lot.

(( trust me people after the photos I took yesterday of me I was shocked I was that fat, makes me angry that friends say ... Your not fat... Yes I bl00dy am!!))

Today is the start of my new love of my body. It's imperfections and all. 84lbs to loose, 7lbs gone already.

So going to chill out now and watch rubbish TV and read skinny celeb stories. I'll update later when I'm the otherwise of this procedure....


Tired now.... Zzzzzzzzz

 

[BandedHun]

All showered, gowned up , attractive stockings on and paper pants and hair net. Wee's in a pit. Blood pressures done! I'm good to go.

Waiting now I'm actually bricking it,I really am scared, feel sick with nerves now - have I done the right thing? Have I rushed? Could I have just done more? Do I need to do this.......

Think so. I've been so depressed. This is my chance to make it work.

See u on the other side

 

[Crystalrainbow]

breath hunni x x x x huge hugs coming at ya x x x

 

[BandedHun]

Need to write this reminder to myself early on...

"Hun you are doing this because you are so desperately unhappy. You loose weight well but never maintain it. You put so much pressure on yourself to be perfect. The pain should be worth it if u work it. Never forget how low you were before this. Staying at home, not seeing friends and family. Hating the mirror, scared to go on holiday, sleeping all the time , the times you sat in the bathroom planning your death. Never let it get this bad again. Before you take that bite of something sweet, something fatty and carb laden think.... £5k and the unhappiness being so obese has brought you. On days when your struggling know your worth it, one day at a time. Your body is precious and you only get one. Look after yourself and find your happiness...."

 

[WeightlossDreamer]

Hope your ok Hun! Should be on the other side by now! Think your previous post is brill whenever you have a wobble just always remember that post and re read if you have to! Your stronger than you think you are. X x x

 

[MrsDuck]

Hi Hun,

Can't wait for your next update so we all know how you've gone on... Hope you had lots of nice dreams about your new soon to be slimmer summer bod!

Speak soon xx

 

[emmahc1975]

Where have u gone? U must be done by now.
We _need_ an update!
Seriously, hope u r ok & all is well x

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Checking before bedtime hope all went fantastically well x x x waiting with baited breath for your update hun x x x rest and let us know once your feeling up to it x x x

 

[louloumoo]

Were all waiting anxiously to see if your ok?