Help & advice needed please.

[SerenadingAngel]

Apologies for using this thread to go off surgery talk but i thought Who better than the people on here to ask for help.

My 14 year old daughter has been battling with her weight , like myself, for the past 3 years. We've been to CAMHS to see if they can help with the obsession side if her attitude towards food. They did nothing to help... Infact going there helped her get more obsessed. The doctor has now referred her to a dietitian.
The last thing I want for my daughter is for her to go through what I am now. She wont let me weigh her but i know she is a size 18. Can anyone offer any advice to help me help her... I've tried going on diets with her, but she sneaks food she knows she isn't allowed. I don't actually think she realises she's doing it until its too late.
Any help would be fantastic.

Xxx Tassha xxx

 

[leilabeila]

Apologies for using this thread to go off surgery talk but i thought Who better than the people on here to ask for help.

My 14 year old daughter has been battling with her weight , like myself, for the past 3 years. We've been to CAMHS to see if they can help with the obsession side if her attitude towards food. They did nothing to help... Infact going there helped her get more obsessed. The doctor has now referred her to a dietitian.
The last thing I want for my daughter is for her to go through what I am now. She wont let me weigh her but i know she is a size 18. Can anyone offer any advice to help me help her... I've tried going on diets with her, but she sneaks food she knows she isn't allowed. I don't actually think she realises she's doing it until its too late.
Any help would be fantastic.

Xxx Tassha xxx

Hi Tassha,

For me, the most important thing, and the thing that all change will hinge on, is *why* she is obssessed with food, what does it do for her? Is it about control? Is it about self worth and self esteem? Is it to stem or respond difficult emotions?

Once you can get to the bottom of the why, then you can start to think of all the different ways around helping her.

Do you think you could find out/work out why? How long has this been going.on for? Was anything going on for her, you, your family, at school?

Leila x

 

[SerenadingAngel]

Hi Leila,

Whenever we try to talk about it the answers are always the same... She says she doesn't know why. Her school are being fantastic & have set up a 1 on 1 thing with a fitness tutor. Which is working on her self esteem issues & sports activities.

She says it's been in her head for a long time & she doesn't know when it started or why.
xx

 

[Lincs Lass]

I have no advice but want to send you, and your daughter, a cyber hug xx

 

[Yvessa]

Hi hon, I went through a similar thing with my 9 uear old although the food habits were the issue not her weight. You say you've gone on diets with her - but did they ever work for you? Ultimately weight loss is about making mindful changes to her food habits. I was always big. And it never helped that my parents always tried to help me - I lived with a mountain of shame and guilt that I couldn't be like the other kids. Have you talked to her about your choices and how you are resisting the foods now? When you overrate why did you do it? I honestly couldn't have Told you sometimes.

It was easier with my 9 year old as we talked about what healthy meant and there was no teenage drama. We talked about how to deal with sweet cravings and I said if she had them to talk to me and I would help her find ways to deal with them eg a hot chocolate etc. She is normal bmi and slim, but it was the habits that terrified me. Also I downsized her plate by buying her a moshi monsters one. Not sure that will work for yours

 

[SerenadingAngel]

Thank you Lincs Lass. Much appreciated. <3

Thanks for the advice hunni, it's hard to know what to do when you know just how badly she's feeling about herself. I guess that's why I want to help her so much... Of course i will anyway, I'm her mum, but more so because I'm going through similar now. The diets worked for a while but then stopped working. I've tried the downsizing portions but she will sneak food either before or after the meal.
She knows they I asked the doctor for the band & has said she doesn't want to have to ask for it herself.
Sometimes I think, if I back off maybe she'll stop but I don't think she will. In the past she's gone a few weeks without over eating then for some reason it's started all over again.
It's a vicious cycle.

Xx

 

[Yvessa]

I think that's my point - the diets don't work. This usually starts with lack of self esteem - it's not different to anorexia. I don't know your financial situation but if you could get her some focused cbt now it may help

 

[leilabeila]

Hi Leila,

Whenever we try to talk about it the answers are always the same... She says she doesn't know why. Her school are being fantastic & have set up a 1 on 1 thing with a fitness tutor. Which is working on her self esteem issues & sports activities.

She says it's been in her head for a long time & she doesn't know when it started or why.
xx

Hey,

I know CAMHS didn't work out for her, but it may be worth thinking about some kind of talking therapy, it sounds like she doesn't know where it comes from at the moment, but there will be a function to her over eating, compulsion, obsession, being secretive.

School sound really supportive and that's so good to have. Hopefully the combination of that, seeing you take control and work through your eating issues and behaviours will start to help some of the things that she feels xx

 

[SerenadingAngel]

Had to google what CBT was. Lol

That's what I thought CAMHS were going to do with her 2bh but they didn't.

I'm currently on sick.. I had severe spd when I was pregnant with my 5 month old & I'm still suffering. My current weight & her birthweight doesn't help. ( she was 10lb 9oz )

Xx

 

[SerenadingAngel]

That's what I'm hoping for Leila. Maybe my journey will help her bear these demons she has.
I hope so. I hate seeing my daughter go through what I have. X x

 

[Yvessa]

This may sound awful, but ultimately, maybe right now, the best thing you can do is love her. Help her look her best, encourage her confidence, and put the eating aside for a bit. Nothing and noone could have stopped my self destruction until I was ready. It wasn't for lack of trying - I desperately wanted to be slim. But it wasn't going to happen until I was ready to do something drastic.

 

[leilabeila]

Yve has a really good point, and it may be that she just needs you to sit alongside her whilst she goes through this.

Be strong, keep making the changes you need to for yourself and your family, love her, and be there for her. I kmow you can do it xx

 

[SerenadingAngel]

Thank you to you both. I think you might be right. Just my motherly instincts want to do more for her.
Xx

 

[leilabeila]

But I can almost guarantee that it is your motherly instinct that is already doing enough, sometimes just having that one consistent person who provides love and support and guidance no matter what, is all that is needed over time

Xx

 

[Yvessa]

My weight drove a wedge between me and my parents. It was all they would ever mention - their worry fel like criticism. I know that's not what it was now, but as a teenager I didn't have the emotional wisdom to deal with it. Now every child is different but my relationship with my parents has never really recovered. Although there are other reasons for that as well.

 

[SerenadingAngel]

I didn't have my mum around until I was 18 & my dad just kept on at me to lose weight (which I did but yo-yo'd since) & I don't have her now either as she died last year (3 weeks before I found out I was expecting my 5 month old daughter) So i've nothing to help me if you get my drift.

I always wanted more support than I got from my Dad & Step-Mum.
Think I want to give her the support I never did. xx

 

[SerenadingAngel]

I get you on that one Yve, Although I talk to my Dad, I've never forgotten how he was & how his kind of support made me feel... Looking back he was only trying his best, but it's stayed with me. xx

 

[Yvessa]

I honestly know you mean the best for your daughter. But maybe she can't lose weight right now. I think you are a lovely mum. And the fact that you're really listening shows you're a really good one. I do know the pain of watching a child following your habits. I was lucky in that I was just dealing with the habits, and she was slim - it would have been more difficult if she'd been a bigger girl.

She will need your relationship more than she may need to lose weight right now. With your support and love, she may eventually find an eating pattern that helps her, as long as she isn't sinking herself into comfort eating like I did.

I still struggle to discuss my weight with my mum now and feel like she's always nitpicking - now she's worried about me losing too much! Can never win. Trust your instincts

 

[SerenadingAngel]

We have a pretty good relationship, I'd like to think she could come to me about anything.

You've done amazingly well. I hope in the future I will do the same.
Xx

 

[moomoo1]

im going thru the same my 14 yr old is `14 st , she grew up watching my eating habbits and me comforting her on food, she has just started her first diet, but after having therapy myself i never critisisde her or make her weight an issue because thats what led to my low self esteem just make sure now she has limited money and i dint bring unhealthy stuff into housevery very difficult the groundwork for life long weight issues is already layed