I feel so guilty...

[jaxx]

My mum has Bipolar Disorder and recently she's been struggling with a quite bad episode of depression (which she's hidden from me of course). She had a CPN visit her today who used to treat her years ago. During a conversation with him he asked her if she was hoarding medications which tripped her up and she admitted she had been. They've taken them off her now and left her with enough meds for a week and a CPN is visiting her daily. She's been on Lithium for 20 years and she's now on Seroquel as well which is an anti-psychotic as she had been hallucinating a few years ago.

But now I feel so guilty, that it's my fault that she's depressed after the stress I put her through with having weight loss surgery earlier this year. I know she was in such a bad state whilst I was having surgery that my sister had to take a week off work and drive her to see me whilst I was in hospital and even then she couldn't stay that long as she was exhausted. Then I stopped with her for 2 weeks whilst I was recovering and I worry that all that stress has triggered a severe depression. I wonder if she would be ok if I hadn't had surgery. My sister is now talking about having a gastric band after seeing my weight loss and that's another stress for my mum, to have to go through that all over again.

I've no help to cope with supporting her at the minute as my sister is away and I'm cat sitting for her. I live next door to my mum and we usually support each other but I'm not there at the minute and I'm worried for her while I'm away. I didn't know she was this bad (she admitted she didn't realise either), and finding out she was hoarding pills and is suicidal has really frightened me.

 

[12dobidog]

If your that worried could you not contact the CPN with your concerns, or, does the cat sitting take you too far away that you cannot still see your mum?
I hope you find a way round it and wish you and your mum all the best
B

 

[jaxx]

I am only 3 miles away and I'll be home on Friday, but I still worry because I'm not there. I'll be spending tomorrow with her after her CPN has been but I know from experience that late evening and night times tend to be the worst if you're depressed and when you're at your most desperate.

 

[12dobidog]

OK good luck with it all

 

[karenlouisemee]

Sorry to hear your mum is so down. but im sure you have nothing to feel guilty about your mum would want the best for you. as my mum does for me and she knows that having surgery will give me longer with her. having a cpn to visit her must give you a little comfort but i understand what you mean about worrying about the times when no one is there. could you not upstick with the cat to be with ur mum.

 

[tink75]

I totally understand what you mean. I was in hospital for a month and my son who has Aspergers Syndrome just went on a spiraling depression and has had to leave school - go an anti depressants and sees a psychiatrist - all because of my surgery. However, I know in my heart that I had the surgery to be around longer to support my beautiful family. I did have feelings of guilt initially but I am now aware that my operations was in the best interest of my family and that we have no crystal ball to see into the future with - so we had no way to pridict what the negatives are. Just remember that you will be here longer to love and support her and that you are helping her now all you can. I hope things work out for you xxx

 

[jaxx]

could you not upstick with the cat to be with ur mum.

I would if it were just one cat, but it's 3 cats, 3 rats and 2 fish. I only have a small flat and already have one cat and 3 rats living there, I couldn't fit any more in. Mum's taking care of my animals but I doubt she needs the added stress of that responsibility as well as looking after her own dog. I'm kind of stuck.

@tink, I just feel so guilty and selfish for putting her through all that. Plus I had problems with strictures and needed driving to the Wirral (2 hour drive away) twice for an endoscopy and and a pouch stretch.

 

[tink75]

Sending you giant hugs cause I know it's not easy for you. I hope that you will soon find some comfort and peace of mind xxxx

 

[dreamofbeingslim]

I know how difficult this must be for you Jaxx. In the long run it will be good that you had the op as it will be less for your mum to worry about as she won't need to worry about any illnesses that you could have developed being big. Thank goodness the CPN is coming in everyday to see her. Take care big hugs.

 

[dottychic]

Cant really help with any advice but just wanted to send some ((HUGS)) your way x

 

[Rebirth]

It is a worrying time. You'll never know if your mom's relapse is related to your surgery, but, if you had continued putting on weight you could have died and then where would she have been? Mental illness is very unpredictable and at least the CPN is now aware of how bad she has been.

Would it be possible for your mom to stay the night with you at your sisters, so that she has some company in the evenings and you can keep an eye on her? That way the animals and your mom will be cared for. Have you got someone you can talk to as all this must be putting a strain on you as well. Think how much fitter and healthier you will be when you lose all your weight.

Rebirth

 

[phatmomma]

Jaxx, i think you are being unnecessarily harsh on yourself and too be honest i think if your mom could read your thought right now she would be mortified.

LISTEN TO THIS NEXT BIT, I'M QUALIFIED.

As a mother our worst fear in the world is that something could happen to our child and we would be without them. Scrap the without them, our biggest fear is that they will die, i'd be happy for my children to be alive even if they didnt want to speak to me again, as long as they were breathing and living. The fear you might die may well have scared your mom thus causing all this worry to manifest but i am sure in 6 months time your mom will look at you and tell you she is so glad you had surgery and you are healthy and have a good long life in front of you now.

All you can do is to continue to be the good daughter that you are.

I know you have half a zoo to look after, but after letting the dogs walkies for their last wee's of the night could you not go a drive over to your moms and sleep there? Maybe even have her over for tea and to spend some time at your sisters house together before heading back to your moms for the night?

There's always a solution, not always an easy solution though...

Here's me hoping your mom soon returns back to some normality and that the smile returns to her house xx

 

[jaxx]

I came home yesterday thankfully and my sister's neighbour looked after the animals for yesterday evening and this morning. My sister is home now and I've told her what's happening. I saw the CPN's this morning and they're trying to get mum out and about. One of them took her for a walk with the dog this morning (I had to go to work) and mum came to pick me up from work this evening though made me drive home. She's still unwell but I'm grateful the CPN's are visiting her daily. They're coming tomorrow afternoon around 3pm and again they're taking her out for a walk with the dog.

 

[dottychic]

Sounds like shes slowly recovering, hopefully now you are there she will get better quicker x

 

[gaelic girl]

My heart goes out to you Jaxx you are not having it easy at the moment! The wife of a former workmate of mine suffers from bi polar disorder and i only know from him sharing his experiences how difficult it can be for the person themself and those round about them. So glad your mum is getting daily support as Rebirth says mental illness takes on many guises and a lot of unpredictability and professional support should be there as much as possible. Jaxx don't blame yourself it could be a combination of several things that have contributed to your mum going through a difficult time at present. You are obviously a very caring and loving daughter and i'm sure your mum will agree! Stay strong and remember you need support too so keep talking when you need to and i'm sure i speak fo evryone when i say we will be here to listen. Big hugs xx

 

[BlueDiamond]

 

[J-Mo]

Jaxx - I myself have suffered with depression for 16 years. Although I am not on any medication (at the moment), I know I still have a problem which I am always conscience of & if I get too bad I know the signs which mean I need to see my GP. Also close friends know the signs too.

I'm also a mother of 2 son's & when they hurt I hurt! However, I honestly don't think ur surgery triggered your mam's relapse, if anything she will be proud that you have taken steps to prolong ur life & be healthy. Through experience I know that when starting or changing medication, it can be 3 weeks before you start to feel 'normal' again. Its a strange feeling thats hard to explain.

Your mam will be proud of you & I don't think you or your surgery are to blame in anyway!! Take care

 

[jaxx]

Another CPN came to visit her today and took her out with the dog for a walk. She did have an overwhelming panic outside the door as she was leaving her 'sanctuary' but she managed to overcome it and walk the dog with the CPN. She came to pick me up from work and she drove home rather than making me drive which is a good sign. She said she thinks there's a slight improvement today although she hasn't really done much. I'm planning on taking her out tomorrow (but not near any pigs. I took her out last week to an art gallery that has a farm attached and she got bitten by a pig!) for a drive in the local countryside and maybe a cuppa tea at Rivington Barn. I might try to persuade her to go for a little stroll near the reservoir.

My sister came to visit her today and gave her some lavender and eucalyptus to help balance her moods (my sis is very into aromatherapy) and it can't hurt I suppose.

Anyway just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their support.