Is anyone else petrified and second guessing?

[NewHope]

Hello,

I'm 152kg and just finished the group meetings, meeting with exercise guy, next step is one to one dietician session, final group meeting then I guess it's another meeting with the consultant and then on to the surgeons.

After the last group session where surgery was discussed I am sort of put of/ petrified. I'd done a tonne of research before then but gauging my peers responses and being able to ask specific questions opened up a lot of questions that I'd closed off in my mind already.

The dietican basically said that at 5 years post op mark lap band, sleeve and bypass results are around 50% of excess weight lost. That would be around 6 stone for me. She also said that though the operations are mechanical, they all effect how your brain perceives hunger and fullness. She obviously ran through the risks again, throwing away comments like "with the bypass I usually have about one person a year that needs to be fed through a tube".

This has me panicking about a very serious operation with lifelong medical implications and if it's worth 6 stone. And if it's literally to effect how your brain works why cant I just stuck it up and be hungry? I have a young son and the last serious procedure I had was a emergency c section and everything went so badly and tmnearly four years out I still have a physical response when I think about it, I am genuinely terrified about going under the knife and not waking up. Leaving my son without a mum because I have no self control.

I'm currently on keto and have lost just over a stone in the last three weeks and part of me thinks I can do this on my own but the bit at the back of my mind, knows I've been here before. And every time I've gained more back.

I'd love to hear from people that are in the same boat, or people that are post surgery and have some insight in to how it has helped them loose weight and if they think they could have done it without surgery. What it's like a few years out. I get mind hunger a lot, I'm not physically hungry but I feel compelled to eat, I'm so so scared that surgery won't change that and when my body has adapted, years down the line I'll gain back and it will have all been for nothing.

I think id opt for a sleeve. I am beyond desperate to start living my life, to be able to do all the activities with my son I dream of doing. I'm desperate to like myself again.

Sorry for the long and rambling post.

 

[Mazza]

Bless you, all of these thoughts are perfectly natural but you have to think that the six stone (all though there is every chance you'll lose more) could be the difference needed to ensure you are around for much longer for your son.

I was terrified having my sleeve after having a band, then removal plus a total hysterectomy along the way but on the day of the op and whilst I was crying, my surgeon said to me, remember why you're doing this. For me, that was to be around for my daughter and not to die prematurely from obesity related illnesses, which took my mum, far too soon.

Which surgery are you considering out of interest?

Don't apologise for reaching out, we have all been there x

 

[NewHope]

Thank you for replying Mazza.

You are right of course. I think I'm just so frustrated with myself for not being able to do something so many deem as simple and for letting it get so bad. I'm sure I'm in good company with that feeling.

I have sleep apenoa and high blood pressure too so that's another worry with surgery. A lot of people on my mum's side, including her, have had heart attacks and I know it's not far off for me if I don't make a lifelong change now.

I have favoured gastric sleeve since I started seriously considering surgery. I think it would suit me most, only concern is the acid reflux as I do take Rennie quite regularly already and was prescribed omaprezole a while back but didn't take it because of the side effects/ research I had read on it.

Thanks again for replying and making me feel like I'm not crazy!

 

[jj87]

I think u would lose more the 6stone I hope to x

 

[Mazza]

No problem @NewHope

I take medication for acid reflux (omeprazole), which I developed while I still had my band and haven't had any issues post sleeve but I'm sure your team will be able to put your mind at rest one way or another. It may mean that if you go for the sleeve you might have to take something for a while, there are alternatives to omeprazole.

 

[Besel]

Hi NewHope,

No insight here, but oh I am so there with you!
Absolutely petrified that I am setting myself up for more problems if I do have the surgery than when I don't.
I am borderline everything (high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea) and have messed up joints and I know if I don't do anything about it, things will only get worse.

Will I be trading one set of problems for another?

Should I not give this just one more (aka 50th) go without surgery? I even made a whole plan to do the post-op diet without the surgery and failed miserably on day 2. How is surgery ever going to work if I can't even stick to the post-op diet now?!?

It's like I want to hear the surgeon say: you have no other option and if you don't do this now, you'll end up very ill/disabled or even death...

Deep down I know there is no other option, but I'm not ready to believe it yet I think.

 

[TiaLi]

All these thoughts are perfectly normal - and healthy! It means you understand that this is a serious decision and not a "quick fix". Deciding to have surgery was not at all an easy decision for me. I knew deep down I needed it, but it was really, really tough accepting that fact on an emotional level. I had the same reaction as you when my surgeon gave me his predictions for how much I'd lose. Did I really want to go through with this if it meant I'd still be really fat (just not AS fat) afterwards? By his predictions I'd still be nowhere near a normal BMI. Like you, my main issue is also the addiction-like head cravings rather than actual physical hunger.

But, I went ahead with it anyway. I decided that with the surgery I'd at least have a chance. Without it I'd have none. I'm 39 years old, so I've had many years of yo-yo dieting and thinking I could do it on my own. I had my surgery 14th of March this year. I originally wanted a sleeve, but due to my issues with acid reflux I ended up with a bypass instead. I was petrified on the day of surgery....crying, shaking, hyperventilating. Everyone was really understanding though, including the anaesthetist whom I interrogated for 20 mins prior to surgery (my fear is waking up during the surgery but not being able to move). I was very honest about my fears and he was really great in reassuring me and answering all my questions. He also gave me some fentanyl beforehand to calm me down.

I'm not gonna lie - the first time after surgery was tough. I had never had surgery before and was a bit shocked by how long it took me to recover and how much pain I was in. Laparascopic surgery is often presented as "not a big deal" - but any surgery really is like an assault on your body, as you know. So the first time post op was filled with worries and regrets.

Now that I'm fully recovered however, I can honestly say I have no regrets whatsoever. For me, the surgery has most certainly affected the head hunger as well as the physical hunger. It feels like those food-obsessive loops in my head have been severed. It's extremely liberating not thinking about food all the time, it has freed up so much time and energy. I eat three times a day, just very small portions (I have a food diary thread in the post-op section with photos if you want to get an idea of portion size etc). To be honest I could easily eat less than that, I only do three meals to get fuel in. I'm just not that bothered at all about food anymore. I do realise this will probably not last forever - it will get more challenging the further out I get. So I am working really hard on establishing very set routines and habits, in order to make that transition easier.

I am now 4 months out, and have lost 6 stones. My body can definitely feel the difference already! When I was in the hospital I told my surgeon that I would beat his prediction, and that we now have a bet going on. He smiled and replied that that was a bet he would be happy to loose. I'm already closing in on his prediction (only 12kgs left) and am looking forward to telling him I won And I certainly don't intend to stop there - I want to loose more.

I don't normally advise people to do one thing or the other because this is such a big decision - but I do think Mazza made a very important point: from a purely statistical point of view, your son is much more likely to lose his mother if you stay the weight you are, than from the surgery itself.

 

[NewHope]

Thank you so much for each of your replies. I can not tell you how helpful it has been for me to read through them. Thank you all for taking the time out of your day to reply to me.

@BESELondon you are so right, it really is a case of my emotions catching up with my brain and admitting I can not do it (long term) and I need help. I can't get my head around it yet. I'm not a stupid person, why cant I just do it?!!!

When I started this journey I would've been ready to go under the "knife" that very first day I asked my Dr for a refferal. I then GAINED 4.5kg. Now I'm on the keto train I think I've got a false sense of confidence that I can do this on my own. I gained weight last week and I stuck religiously keto, I've never ever carried on a diet through a plateau or gain before. I know deep down how much I would struggle to do this for life. I feel so out of control and I just can't bear it.

@TiaLi and @Mazza I know you are right and that if I do nothing I have more of a chance of leaving my son motherless at an early age. I have to do something. I can not let myself get worse.

I think I just need to stay on this train. Head up. Heart strong. And see where it takes me. I think I've still got several months of hoops to jump before I would get on a waiting list for surgery so I just need to keep up the weight loss so that if I do take the wls plunge I have lowered my bmi and therefore my associated risks as much as I can.

@TiaLi I will look at your diary now. Thank you.

 

[NewHope]

Updated to say that I've lost 14kg on keto now. I'm still not sure what to do. I'm keeping up with all my appointments re' WLS with the NHS. The group meetings are over but it was enormously beneficial to me as I never spend time thinking about myself and each one of those was two interrupted hours of thinking about myself and reflecting on my issues with weight.

A few weeks ago I was feeling really low after a bad day and I realised that food would not help that feeling. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt so sad for several days. I'm still trying to adapt to ways of coping without turning to food.

I shop at farm shops for all my food every weekend (before I had a physical fear of supermarkets and would detest going so we shopped day to day or takeaway), we always have food in to enable us to make the right food choices.

I feel like I am transforming myself mentally and I certainly have never understood nutrition to this extent (I've spent months before this research treating cancer with nutrition for my mum also)... But I do not trust myself AT ALL.

Every day I panic that tomorrow's me will give up and revert back to gaining not loosing. I have always thought loosing weight was about hating yourself so much you break and something clicks. It turns out that I think you actually have to believe in yourself and give yourself a bit of credit (for both 'natural WL and WLS).

Anyway, this is long but it's very cathartic. I'm still undecided. I'll make the decision when the time comes. But that you for all of your responses to my first post. It helped me no end.

 

[sarahloveswelshcobs]

I don't know if my story will help, but I'm willing to share.

I started at a pinch under 300lbs if I remember right. Got myself together and went private for a plication. A plication is having your stomach folded in on itself - nothing gets taken away.

I was warned that I'd achieve 50% expected excess weight loss at best and at the time I was only the third the surgeon had done. It was considered experimental in the uk.

For me, the risks seemed less. I had a small son and worried I wouldn't come back or could have serious complications.

They had told me if I got to 16st and maintained, id be doing well - but that at my weight, I may still want to consider further surgery down the line to get to normal bmi

Over time, I've conveniently forgot about this paragraph above and only discovered it recently upon checking back ancient emails.

Anyway - that was 2013. I got down to 14st and was happy.

After two years, I bumped up and down quite a bit. I've put a good bit on and lost it again a couple of times. Mainly stress related due to some major incidents that threw me totally off track.

Anyway - I've recently had a lot of discussion with the surgeon. Despite the fact that my weight has bounced around, I've never breached 16st - though got close a few times and then kick back into gear.

They assured me the results from the plication and the weight I am now is still exactly within original target zone and my results have seemingly been exceptional with the plication.

I don't quite feel that way.

My dad lost his leg 18 months ago due to type 2 diabetes and dvt. There has been other stuff happened too... anyway .. I decided I cannot live my life as it is with such a high risk of diabetes in later life still hanging over me.

They've looked at my family history and the co morbilites are still high as there is a lot of issues in the background, so despite the fact I'd got my bmi down to 33.5, they accepted me privately for a sleeve

For me, this last 4 years or so, I've been living instead of existing. I want to finish the journey and get down to a normal bmi and out of risk zones

I've done the initial big part of the journey and then the last 10 week (8 prior to discussions) back on no potatoes / pasta/ rice/ bread. My head is on the right place.

Food isn't the most important thing any more. I really would still do it if I could never eat again. I don't want the health issues that could well catch me up nor my family having to pay the price if that happened.

Good luck whatever you decide