is it really worth it?

[Ladylou30]

I'm 35 and 18 stone, I have 2 young children. I've had a weight/eating problem since I was a child. Losing weight is what I want most in the world and I JUST CANT DO IT I'm done and I've lost hope my health is also starting to suffer.

My mum and sister (no one in my family is overweight) suggested WLS to me last year and mentioned it again at Xmas. I've been seriously considering it since and I've met with a private clinic. Now I'm not naive enough to think being thinner will solve all my problems, life is life - thin or fat and I know I've a lot of work to do in this area!

My main issue is my husband is dead against it. He thinks I've not tried hard enough, that I've just to make some simple and easy changes and do some exercise. Now he has been very successful as this as a few years ago he turned his eating around and goes to the gym everyday. But im a different person to him, I believe I can't do this on my own and even if I ever did get the weight off. Then what?

Now we've been together 12 years and not even married a year. Our relationship is in tatters at the moment. I'll not go into thst but basically this morning he has basically implied that if I go ahead with surgery we are over!

So give me the honest truth about WLS? My gut is telling me to tell him to f**k off with his threats and this is my life and we are over anyway if something doesn't change. But at the same time my 'family' is important to me!!

 

[Crystalrainbow]

wowsers what a great thought out post..... you've obviously given it a lot of thought... my first reaction is to say go with your gut...... it is your life and after we should all be free to live how we chose in this day and age BUT marriage is also a partnership, and i'm not sure i would go against my OH wishes................ but if its making you this unhappy surely he would want to see you happy?? so not sure it that's helped any lol its really only you who can ultimately make the decision. Remember if you go ahead and he sticks with you, he will throw ever possible problem back in your face should something go wrong along the line .......

No weight loss surgery is a magic cure (but i'm sure you know this) it all takes a lot of hard work and changing life time habits ....yes dieting and exercise too.........think seriously about it first. It has its good and bad points equally try sitting down and explaining how it really makes you feel, lets hope he comes round to supporting you either way, after all support is all we need, not the back of the hand attitude !!!

I wish you all the best which ever you decide but also know there is tons of support here x x x x a huge welcome to the site too

 

[Tules]

I agree with Crystal. It is a shame that your partner is not supportive. Can't understand why he is so against it. I am having my operation this weekend, at the age of 51 and I wish I did this earlier.
I feel.for you and feel angry at the position you have been put into.
Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[ladilindy]

I think a lot of people who have dealt with their own issues in a way that works for them don't understand that their way will not work for everyone. I am extremely lucky in that my husband supports me completely, in fact he has borrowed the money to pay for my operation.

I am now 59 and so wish I had made the decision to have surgery years ago. I was told at my consultation with my provider that is now or never for me as I am a ticking time bomb.

I was nervous about telling my daughter as I thought she would not support me but today I told her and she said that she was more scared by the thought that if I did not lose weight, by whatever means, she would lose me, and that if this surgery would make me happy then she was all for it.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide but it must be the right choice for YOU.

Lynn x

 

[Ladylou30]

Thanks everyone. I did go and see the psychologist tonight and was very honest. She says I have a binge eating disorder I should really try and deal with first. (Doesn't everyone who resorts to this??)

She thinks it might be a good long term solution but is concerned about my current emotional state and the fact my husband is not on side.

He is currently deciding if he is going to leave me or not I'm in absolute bits and feel my little glimmer of hope is gone.

 

[Blondie43]

Oh my husband doesn't support me either he thinks I should cancel my op! That doesn't really surprise me, but my daughter thinks the same and that does surprise me, as we're best friends and do everything together. They both think it's cheating and shameful to waste money on the NHS!! However I asked the opinion of two people I would listen to and respect their decisions my mother and best friend and they both said having WLS would be best for me, as they know how I've struggled over the years and how it's affecting my health!
Decision made then and when my husband and daughter see me back to how I was, full of life, love and happiness, then they will then see the correct decision was made.
Follow your heart in whatever decision you make and let fate do the rest! Xx

 

[Ladylou30]

Would you have broken up your marriage and family for the surgery tho?

He's also worried the operation could go wrong and he'll be left caring for me!!

 

[Crystalrainbow]

If i'm honest now really doesn't seem to be the right time, sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate, and yes the psychologist is right your binge eating need to get sorted or at least in hand.... the last thing you want is being post op your world falling apart and the need to binge and causing yourself harm or worse.... its a very real possibility, and i for one was terrified to be in that place.

I also feel you need whole hearted support to get thru this, its no easy option. I certainly don't want to be the one who also puts a downer on your hopes but i only speak from a place of honesty and i know now post op dealing with wls surgery is no picnic especially with emotional eating and problems too..... try and get yourself in a better place .... if your hubby is considering his options over this.....then i feel your better off without, for me i feel a marriage is give and take and support all the way ....... those who dismiss your wishes out of hand are not worth it...... get booked in to see your Gp ask for some counselling, see if you can't get yourself in a better place in yourself, start to put some good eating/exercise habits into place (it helps for post op too) hubby will either see your trying and fall into line or he will be gone anyway!!! either way you will be in a better space, feel better about yourself and certainly be in a better place for surgery should you decided to go sown that line...... no amount of wls sorts the head out....eating disorders/emotional eating all still remain try and get them sorted first hunni x x x x i wish you all the best x x x x keep posting here either way, its a great place for support and friendship x x x x x

 

[Blondie43]

I personally think I'm doing the right thing for me. If my mam had said different I would have pondered over it, but although we're totally different in personalities - her being the steady one, I know I'm doing the right thing.

Maybe now isn't the right time for you and you need to sort out the differences with your husband. Yes I know mine doesn't want me to have the surgery, but I know he'll be supportive once I've had it done! Xx

 

[Ladylou30]

Thank you Crystalrainbow

Thankfully I am getting support from a local postnatal depression group, its early days but its been good. I also get support from a community called Beyond Chocolate. They were who helped me a few years ago (pre babies) get myself into a good space eating wise. I also have a local council gym card, meaning I can use the gym, swimming, classes for £1. My husband says he'll watch the kids more so I can go.

I will make a real effort for 6 months to get into a better head space and physically too. But deep down I feel as a long term option surgery might be where I want to go. So for now I will keep reading and I'm going to make that commitment.

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Your welcome hunni.......... great plan..... keep posting/ reading asking questions.... get yourself in that better place. Hope that hubby has a change of heart in the meantime BUT as i say sometimes something are not worth fighting for!!! I would never have gone against my OH but he would have never stopped me doing what i felt was right for me................ X hubby was the complete opposite...... every-time i tried to loose weight he would get all shitty and not support me.... i would get all the jealousy stuff chucked my way...... i was married at 18 and naive.... now when i look back i wonder why the hell i stayed! life is far too short to be unhappy..... my surgery has given me my life back, i was at that point of now return.... early death was a very real thing...... so yes i feel we have to do what is right for US ....... we come into this world alone and go out alone, do what makes you happy

on a different note have you thought about NHS funding? not sure of the criteria where you are and if you fit within that.... but the process is long, but the certainly help you with all those other concerns along the way............who knows by the time surgery was offered you (and hubby) would be ready..... i also found taking my OH along to my appointments helped........ maybe its just fear of the unknown???


huge hugs sweetness.... i'm so pleased you've given this so much level headed thought.... check in often and keep us posted as to how your doing..... start a diary here and keep a record of how your feeling and how your doing.... it helps x x x hugs

 

[buglady]

Thank you Crystalrainbow Thankfully I am getting support from a local postnatal depression group, its early days but its been good. I also get support from a community called Beyond Chocolate. They were who helped me a few years ago (pre babies) get myself into a good space eating wise. I also have a local council gym card, meaning I can use the gym, swimming, classes for £1. My husband says he'll watch the kids more so I can go. I will make a real effort for 6 months to get into a better head space and physically too. But deep down I feel as a long term option surgery might be where I want to go. So for now I will keep reading and I'm going to make that commitment.

what's 6 months in the big scheme of things it will give you husband a chance to see how committed you are you will get some valuable you time and if in six months you still decide surgery is you you make sure you do something I will say I love my bypass after having my band removed through complications but surgery as people have said before is not an easy option good luck with the beyond chocolate class gym and enjoy your mum free break and good luck with working at your marriage! Xx

 

[Kar8858]

Would you have broken up your marriage and family for the surgery tho? He's also worried the operation could go wrong and he'll be left caring for me!!

No I wouldn't but if my husband told me he was deciding whether to stay with me and was worried he would have to care for me I would bin him off! Any man who tells you he has to decide to be with you has probably already made a decision and is hoping you will make it easy for him.
Sorry if that sounds bad but I wouldn't put up with that, he must be destroying your confidence.

You deserve to be happy, tell him to go, have your op and enjoy your new life where you find someone who loves you for you.
Please do what's right for you, life is too short x

 

[Butterfly_lady]

No I wouldn't but if my husband told me he was deciding whether to stay with me and was worried he would have to care for me I would bin him off! Any man who tells you he has to decide to be with you has probably already made a decision and is hoping you will make it easy for him.
Sorry if that sounds bad but I wouldn't put up with that, he must be destroying your confidence.

You deserve to be happy, tell him to go, have your op and enjoy your new life where you find someone who loves you for you.
Please do what's right for you, life is too short x

I agree, if anyone thought that little of me I'd not wait around while he decided what to do, his bags would be on the doorstep, if you can't support me in what I need to do, then theres no future in us! I am so glad my o/h supported me 100% even though he didn't want me to have the op as he was worried I'd not wake up, but he knew it was something I wanted to do.

Sorry to sound harsh but its the way I feel

Good luck with what you decide which in the end is something only you can do xxx

 

[Crackers169]

Hi ladylou!
I think your plan of taking 6 months is a good one. I know for most of us the decision to have surgery and then actually having it, should never be rushed. As you know I attended Spire and I am always glad that they look at the whole patient and are not just in it for the money.

As regards your husband, it is hard for any one else to judge, but I know when I have difficulties I picture myself in different scenarios. For example, if you won the lottery tomorrow, what would you do? Do you see yourself buying a bigger house, going on holidays, having fun with this man? Or would you be taking the money and doing your Own thing? Allow yourself to do some 'blue sky' thinking, and think about how you would spend your ideal day - does he feature in that? If yes, then it's worth trying to save your marriage. If not, it's maybe time to walk away. Maybe do that first then when things are more settled you will be in the right place to concentrate on losing weight through surgery.

Whatever you decide, keep reading here cos this site really does give more insight into how the surgeries work for lots of people.

Hugs to you.

Cx

 

[Ladylou30]

Thankyou everyone.

I must admit after more thinking I'm still pretty determined to get the surgery. I'm finding it difficult to let go of.

I've conquered my binging before and I will again. I know what to do, I've just been in a rut. I guess I do worry my depression and making big decisions while being so down, however at the core of my depression is my weight and my consistent frustration with myself I can't do the single thing I want most in the world! Every time I lose weight my mood lifts!

I'm very angry at my OH just now, like a child who has been told No. He's a good guy really and I really worried about the whole thing and yes just doesn't understand why I'd do this when there is the alternative where he feels I've just not tried hard enough

I do think if it wasn't for the kids we'd probably part ways but having come from a broken home that's hard. He's lived with a mum who has various mental health and regular health issues, including anorexia. He's scared. I understand his concerns. He says he needs time to think about if this is one step too far for him and decide if he can live with it or if we go our seperste ways. We are certainly not happy at the moment thst is for sure and are just parents living in the same house, we are not a couple anymore. BUT I think we could be again and yes if I won the lottery I'd want to share it with him. I also feel that if I won the lottery it would mean nothing without losing weight to be able to enjoy it. Who wants a sweaty fat holiday in the sun??

I'm actually having a day off today. He's taken the day off to look after the kids and I'm off to Glasgow for the day to a careers fair to see if I can figure out what to do with my life!!

Lou xx

 

[Kar8858]

Have a lovely day Lou!
I find at times like this tossing the coin of fate is the way forward...heads you do it tails you don't!

 

[Trish933]

The careers fair sounds like a lovely day out - Hope you find some ideas there