I've gone back to all my old eating habits :(

[Miss Tickle]

YG- you have done it and can do it again. I'm a seasoned self saboteur. We can't afford to do it this time mate. It's our last chance. I'm sorry your greiving. I've been through it myself. It's taken 10 years for me to pull myself together. 10 years I can never get back. So I'll be the one to kick you up the arse. You don't have time to mess with with your bypass.. You don't have time to not take your supplements. You will stop losing weight. You will start to feel ill. You need to be disciplined. Only buy good stuff, plan, and when you want to eat rubbish walk, go up and down stairs , paint your nails, have a bath -anything but eating crap !
Imagine how much you'd have lost if you'd been eating healthily. And how much better you'd feel without the guilt.
Come on girl-get on with it
xx

 

[Miss Tickle]

p.s. I comfort ate, treated myself and would start tomorrow during my 10 years of terrible, crippling grief. The result- a weight gain of 7 stone in the first two years ! And of course, it didn't bring my beautiful mum and dad back xxx

 

[mandym1]

Wow you are so brave YG! I would be scared of posting this on here!

I am not far behind you now 3 months out and am constantly scared of falling into old habbits. I'm eating more variety and "normal" foods although making the healthy choice is not always easy I am just about managing. You can get back on track hun and you have made the first step by posting this. Remember those early days and what you went through? Take yourself back there when you took things one day at a time... as has been said you cant undo what has been done but you can make it right again and you will! Good Luck and big hugs xxx

 

[yorkiegal]

Wow there are some awesome people on this forum. Thank you so much everyone.

I have a long history with depression but haven't had an episode since I started taking quetiapine (an anti psychotic) several years ago. But it basically just calms me down to the extent that things don't bother me. Puts me in my own little bubble. That's not always a good thing because it stops me facing up to stuff.

I'm going to be completely honest here, although I'm ashamed to write this. For many years I self harmed by cutting myself. When my gp broached the idea of WLS to me I jumped at it as an opportunity to finally look normal. BUT there was a part of me that embraced it because I feel this need to punish myself. What a fantastic and easy way to make myself feel bad for the rest of my life by denying myself the food I was addicted to. Perhaps I'd even end up anorexic and would receive the sympathy and care as a skinny person that you just don't get as a morbidly obese one? Whilst the above thoughts weren't something I even consciously acknowledged very often, they were there, hidden, the entire time I was battling to get my surgery.

But then I had a course of CBT private therapy and talked all this through with the counsellor. I started to realise that the WLS could be an amazing positive in my life. By the time I had the surgery I was imagining myself at a healthy normal weight, back in full time employment, feeling great.

Then I hit that three month dip that I have with every other diet I've ever done. In the past I've lost weight easily for 3 months then given up and started bingeing again. I thought the bypass would stop me doing that. But hey ho, the alarm clock in my brain went off and I started eating again. So here come all the thoughts of self harm again, made worse by the stress of visiting my dying dad each day I guess, because I kidded myself that his illness wasn't affecting me at all and was storing all those feelings up. So subconsciously I think that stopping taking the vitamins etc was my way of self harming again. I needed to punish myself for not sticking to the diet.

I'm pretty screwed up eh? Writing this down helps me to acknowledge it. There was no psych referral at my hospital prior to me going on the list for WLS. Just a suggestion that I should get some private therapy. Perhaps people like me shouldn't have the surgery after all. If there's anyone on here who's pre-op and has a mental illness, please please don't kid yourself that everything will go swimmingly. Be honest with yourself about your reasons for having the surgery and get a support system in place.
I basically had to lie to my gp for over a year because if I admitted any depression or intrusive thoughts to him, he would have stopped me having the surgery. Now they think I'm stable again and just have me on a repeat prescription.

I've rung the hospital and found out that my next appointment with the surgeon is on the 14th oct. This week I'll go have a blood test to check my iron and vitamin levels.
Today I start writing down everything I eat. I've been saying that to myself for weeks but today I'm going to do it. There is no longer any food in my house which is 'off plan'.
Lastly I'm going to dig out my CBT folder and re-read all the things I wrote down about my feelings around food and dieting and see if I can get some inspiration from it.

I am two people really. The one who wants a chance to have a good life and to be nice to her body, versus the one who thinks she doesn't deserve anything good and wants to hold herself back from life.

apologies for being a bit intense. it just helps to write it all down.

 

[mazbrad]

maybe this is the first step forward and now u can go for help. the doctors will help you get back on track and to help you cope with loss of dad. you have gone through 2 major things in your life which are very hard to deal with.try and speak to your doctor asap and im sure u will feel better soon xx

 

[sukay]

If there's anyone on here who's pre-op and has a mental illness, please please don't kid yourself that everything will go swimmingly. Be honest with yourself about your reasons for having the surgery and get a support system in place.
I basically had to lie to my gp for over a year because if I admitted any depression or intrusive thoughts to him, he would have stopped me having the surgery. Now they think I'm stable again and just have me on a repeat prescription.

I've rung the hospital and found out that my next appointment with the surgeon is on the 14th oct. This week I'll go have a blood test to check my iron and vitamin levels.
Today I start writing down everything I eat. I've been saying that to myself for weeks but today I'm going to do it. There is no longer any food in my house which is 'off plan'.
Lastly I'm going to dig out my CBT folder and re-read all the things I wrote down about my feelings around food and dieting and see if I can get some inspiration from it.

I am two people really. The one who wants a chance to have a good life and to be nice to her body, versus the one who thinks she doesn't deserve anything good and wants to hold herself back from life.

apologies for being a bit intense. it just helps to write it all down.

I really admire you YG. I agree, too, with your advice to pre-oppers with problems not to see this as the answer to everything. Cos it definitely isn't. I have a history of depression, and had to see the psychiatrist for 4 months running before I could go ahead. If I hadn't shown him some positivity I would never have got the surgery.

As I said before, I fell into a similar trap after the initial big weight loss.

It does sound like you have all the tools to hand and I wish you well

You have come through a lot - keep strong

 

[joffy01582]

i can't wait to get back to work now as all i seem to be doing now is thinking about my next meal

 

[Clare*]

Hello Yorkiegal ......

If your dad was reading your posts, what would he say to you ?

You know what you need to do.

Much love to you at this awful time xxxxx

 

[lyndajoan]

you have been very open and honest about yourself, your post is clear so you seem to be level headed at the minute, do you not have a c.p.n. who can support you and help with self harming, you will find most have had c.b.t. on here so we know what you are talking about. when you go and see the surgeon on the 14th tell him the truth you havent been takeing your tablets, as he will know by looking at your test results, maybee ha can suggest something also. good luck.

 

[penelope1008]

Yorkie honey, you are so brave & strong even if you can't believe it at the moment. I can only imagine the personal battle you are having, we all have our own battles with our demons without your additional challenges. I'm so glad you have been able to write down your fears & challenges, clear out those cupboards, approach your team & face the demons while being brave enough to re-use your old CBT programme for some self help.
I am so proud of you & for you, I agree the bloods will tell their story & I hope your team can help you through this. Your dad would be so proud of you, be strong use this chance & your inner strength to make it work you do deserve this, I wish you well beating those demons. I brought the book the gaston bypass emotional first aid kit, it covers a lot of the pitfalls & demons we can face & gives use some tools to help deal with them. Good luck my dear we are here for you.

 

[Andy1968]

It's only 4 months since my surgery and I'm eating chocolate, crisps, bread, diet coke, ice cream, biscuits.

I'm barely eating any of the foods I should be having. I have a freezer and cupboards full of healthy options then I don't bother making anything and just eat a bag of crisps for lunch instead. I haven't taken any of my iron, calcium, lanzoprazole or multivitamins for weeks.

I seem to be able to fit a lot of bad foods into my stomach. For example I've just eaten three drifter bars and don't feel full. But if I eat some chicken or pasta I am full after a few bites so I know my pouch isn't stretched.

I seem to be headed down this road of self sabotage and can't seem to hit the brakes. I'm still losing weight. I'm one pound off having lost 6 stone but I know I'm doing it all wrong and I'm going to be one of those people who gains all the weight back on further down the line.

I'm meant to be seeing my surgeon this month. The letter is somewhere in the house and I can't remember the date of the appointment but I haven't bothered looking for the letter. I think I just don't want to go.

I think a big reason for me having the op was to make my dad proud. He died recently and it's all gone downhill from there. I'm not depressed but I seem to have rejected my bypass if that makes any sense to anyone here.

On a positive note I am doing quite a lot of exercise as my neighbour has a dog now and I take mine out with hers and go for very long walks each morning.

I just need to get back on track and I've been trying to do that for about 7 weeks now without any success. I do dump on the rare occasion but can eat most things without any problem.

Any tips? Kick up the bum needed I think.

Hiya Yorkiegal

I'm probably not the one to be giving out advice as i'm still very much pre-op and waiting patiently to be funded from my PCT.

What i will say is that the weight loss you have achieved is incredible

I wish i was as advanced in my journey as you are!
I think deep down you know what's needed to get back on the straight and narrow and to start losing weight again...You certainly don't need me to tell you ! LOL

I wish you all the very best in getting back into it again...I'm going to look at your stats again and start to think what i can achieve once the wheels are in motion.

Take Care

Andy x

 

[Ali_B]

Good Luck for the future. I'm positive you have made the first step. Looking at your behaviour is similar to mine i like to block my path to success.
Telling your story has made me look at my eating over the last few days...when did i stop tracking what i eat.
Thank you for being brave enough telling your story and i've taken a something from it, so you have helped. I'm very grateful as your story could be mine in 3 weeks.

I hope you get back on track. Nothing is a mistake if it can be fixed, and you learn from the experience. It is a bump in the road!

Good luck, keep us updated and thank you for helping me tonight by telling your story.

 

[yorkiegal]

Increased my protein today. Wrote everything down and took my supplements. Had the usual upset stomach reaction to the iron tablet but never mind.
Thanks to those who pm'ed me. Just realised I'd got them and will reply tomorrow as I'm on my way to bed now.

 

[Mio]

It really does sound as though you're not dealing with things too well, but there's nothing silly or idiotic about having mental health problems - we all have mental health as well as physical health, and it can get low and out of sorts just as easily as our physical health! It's nothing to be ashamed of

I really recommend speaking to your GP, and also think it might be an idea to see if someone at Mind can offer any help - they have a wonderful infoline staffed by great volunteers and sometimes it just really helps to talk about stuff with someone who doesn't know you!

I've had mental health problems since my early teens, and far too many times I've stuck my head in the sand and tried to ignore them and every time I've done that it's affected me negatively. You don't need to go through this on your own, and you shouldn't have to.

Sending you lots of good thoughts xxx

 

[shelbell]

Increased my protein today. Wrote everything down and took my supplements. Had the usual upset stomach reaction to the iron tablet but never mind.
Thanks to those who pm'ed me. Just realised I'd got them and will reply tomorrow as I'm on my way to bed now.

Change your iron to Ferrous Fumerate Sugar Free Syrup. It is far far gentler on the stomach! Plus it is the best absorbed for post bypass, as it isn't enteric coated (all iron pills are coated), and the new system doesn't break down enteric coating as well as it used to.

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

 

[penelope1008]

Shel is there no end to your knowledge, you should get a job work for the bariatric team you are amazing.

 

[shelbell]

Lol, thanks. Just 4 years nearly of reading and researching, and one of those brains that retains useless info!

Sent from my iPhone using Forum Runner

 

[yorkiegal]

Arrgghh got my period today. That explains a lot of my mood over the last couple of days lol. I'll ask the doc about the iron replacement thanks Shel.
No choc or crisps today. One pepsi max (slapped wrist) but that's a lot less than I was having.
I've bought some Innocent Smoothie fruit sticks and they're yummy. I've been struggling a lot to get enough fruit as it's the one thing I occasionally dump on, but these are fine.

 

[Mio]

**Comment could be trigger-y for some people**

Oh my god, Yorkie - I read your reply post and it was like I'd written it myself.

I started self-harming at 13, but developed eating disorders before then, due to severe bullying at school, (then) undiagnosed learning disabilities and my already larger-than-usual size. Was put on Prozac for years and just left on meds, without any option for counselling. Finally I got some, about 5 years later, which was generally useless and I went from counsellor to counsellor for another 5 years, getting nowhere and solving nothing. I got quite addicted to various things, including food, and felt out of control and hopeless. I got very low and I can honestly say that without my utter gem of a GP I wouldn't be here now. She supported me through my darkest time, helped me get through Uni and a subsequent awful job, and through to where I am now. I'm not "cured" - I'm still on meds and have bad periods (especially atm with the change in seasons :-/) but I haven't cut in almost 2 years now which is the longest I've been clean in about 15 years. And it was a pact I made with myself in the run-up to my surgery.

It was her that suggested WLS to me, after years of dieting and exercising and medication - she said it broke her heart to see just how far I'd come with everything else but still going nowhere on the losing weight front.

I was meant to have a psych evaluation but I think they managed to dig up some old notes from one of my useless counselling sessions years ago, which seemed to do the trick. Luckily, in the past few years I realised that I'd been let down by the mental health provision in my area so many times that it was time to stop looking for an answer with them, and to look for one with me.

I'm still working on it, and I'm not perfect. But I'm a hell of a lot better than I was even last year, and I'll continue to do the best I can, because I'm worth it. And so are you.

If you want to chat with me about anything, please feel free to PM xxx

 

[yorkiegal]

Thanks so much Mio. It's around the same length of time since I self harmed too. Hate having to live with the scars, especially now the skin around them on my arm is going all pinched and wrinkled as I lose weight and I can see what a botched job of stitching was done (they tend not to put much effort in on stitching at A&E when you've done it to yourself).
My food addiction started in early childhood. Self harm and drinking were extra addictions which I hope I'm now in permanent remission from. Old habits die hard though. I've recently had some post op hair loss and it kind of gives me that same old thrill when I see the hair fall out. That's the part of me that wants me to be ugly I guess. And that's because of the whole ''you're not worth it'' dilemma, which I really have to work on. But I have good insight, as my therapists would say lol, as do you I think, so we'll both get there eventually

Thanks so much for posting about such a sensitive subject. I really appreciate it. I think there will be a lot of people here who have struggled with various addictions and mental health problems. We didn't get to be fat for no reason did we?