Partner troubles

[pollybree]

I am being sleeved in 3 weeks and my partner is being really difficult with me. He is bringing all sorts of stuff up from the past to argue about which bears no relevance to our relationship now. My mam says its because he is feeling threatend by my future skinnny self and the fact that I may move on from him so he is doing this for constant reassurance from me. I Really love him we have had 11 years together 5 of them skinny and 6 fat. I think my being overweight has made him feel safe in the knowledge that I would or could not leave him. This is absurd to be because all i want is him although he is beginning to push me away with his insecurities. I am really trying to be nice when he has a wobble but I am finding it increasingly hard, any advice please????:wave_cry:

 

[Butterfly_lady]

Its a difficult one and a lot of the weight loss info says about couples splitting when one partner has weight loss surgery, I guess all you can do is reassure him with statement like, when I've lost some weight we can go skiing/sailing/climbing (whatever he's into) emphasizing the positives.

 

[happy days]

My hubby was totally against it. And it was sheer fear incase I didn't get threw the op. as soon as I was done he was brill and very supportive.

 

[pollybree]

I will try anything to save the relationship he is the love of my life. I hope he will realise after the op how important he is to me and how much I love him. Cant wait for the 3 weeks to be over and my op all done so we can start a new chapter!

 

[pollybree]

he has never said he does not want me to have it he just mopes about anything to distract the fact that its actually happening, I need to confront him and put this problem to bed!

 

[tealovingsleever]

Oh dear. Ignore him!

 

[chrisa]

Yes seems to be similar occurrence for many men, deep down it is the fear that you will change beyond recognition and look for someone new. Daft we know but its a case of better the devil you know. Like Happy Days above, my hubby was against it, scared witless in case I didn't make it or could never eat properly again, I got him to come to the surgeons meeting and he got to ask questions that worried him he cam eto no other meetings but it did help him. The fact that my recovery was so quick and really good has helped somewhat and he has supported and really looke dafter me. He n my daughter made all my pureed meals for the first couple of weeks till I got my head in gear. I went back to work just after that and have had the odd little problem but very little, HE IS SO PROUD OF WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED. HE HAS BEEN WITH ME EVERY STEP OF THE WAY SINCE THE OP. He helped me shower when I came home helped get my stockings on tuck me in bed when I was cold and needed to rest nothing was too much. He says because I don't eat like I used to, I give him more I have become a feeder, and he is right its just worked out like that we are closer than ever especially as both kids have left home now. It has been an amazing 4 years almost 2 leading upto the op and I am now 2 years post op. It can be done so don't give up hope, I am married to what used to be a stubborn bad tempered fella who has now mellowed very nicely. The temper still comes out from time to time but he is much better now we just have a closer bond we had our 28th wedding anniversary in July. I am 47 and he is 55. I started the menopause in my mid 30's and am now through, I have had no period for over2 years, sex life is almost zilch, was very hard on him but we have worked through it there are other ways to show love. It isn't an issue anymore, it has been a long road through the menopause but we have endured it together. Take care and hope all goes well for you xxx

 

[Dandelions]

Hi pollybree

Thing about insecurity is it's child behaviour so when you give him attention for his moping and argumentive behaviour it just sort of gives him more reason to do it if that makes sense.

If you continue to feed his insecurities by being upset then he will continue to do it, but if you can manage to not give attention to the negative (ie ignore) and reinforce when he's in a positive frame of mind about the surgery, then he will gradually change his behaviour cus you have.

 

[femfrankie]

he has never said he does not want me to have it he just mopes about anything to distract the fact that its actually happening, I need to confront him and put this problem to bed!

Hubby has been there through thick and thin before, during and after the op but he still surprised me a week or so before my op when out of the blue he blurted out about how worried he was that it could all go wrong.. Took me totally unawares as up until then although we had talked about the pros & cons of it all he had never shown or talked about his inner most fears. I think I got so caught up in the roller coaster ride that I just didn't think outside the box.
We do talk about the things we will be able to do once the weight comes off and he keeps telling me how he is going to get a new woman at the end of it all .

 

[pollybree]

Thanks for all your advice, its hard to ignore, I wish I could. I hate to see him so unhappy maybe a different tact is whats needed and more stern approach or he will push me away. I am not looking forward to the liver diet in a weeks time although I can eat normal food on my pct its only 800 calories and I can imagine my patience will wear the thinnest then. Fingers crossed we can get through it!!

 

[femfrankie]

Good luck prolly x

 

[tealovingsleever]

i honestly think pandering to it will make it worse. he needs to grow up.

 

[happy days]

This is probly the wrong the thing to do and say after alcohol but here goes.
You are who you are if they don't like you now please don't allow them to like you when your thinner. If any of your friends are true friends they will contact you cx

 

[Paula Garner]

This is probly the wrong the thing to do and say after alcohol but here goes.
You are who you are if they don't like you now please don't allow them to like you when your thinner. If any of your friends are true friends they will contact you cx

Very well said!

 

[mad midwife]

My husband was not keen on me having the op ( especially as I'm using our savings!) I was so angry that he didn't seem supportive and was so negative, but after we talked it through I realised he is just worried about me, he has seen me go through brain surgery and radiotherapy over the last couple of years, and I guess he felt that why would I be putting myself through surgery through choice, however once he realised what an effect my previous illness and weight had done to my self esteem and my sense of who I a had changed he became more understanding. After my meeting with the surgeon last week he has felt more comfortable with my decision and whilst I wouldn't say he's completely up for it, at least he is not being negative. So maybe your husband is just worried about you xx do this for you xx

 

[Bookie]

Dandelions is putting nicely what I was going to say in a much more abrupt way:

Tell him to man up. FFS.

 

[Nicnac_]

Talking of partner troubles and sorry to but in but since my op 9 weeks ago I have found out that the OH has been texting a girl it started a few weeks after my op some of my friends reckon because feeling threatened now I'm losing weight! I just think he is an arsehole

 

[Lippyloirston]

So sorry to hear that Nicnac. Sometimes men (and women) are just a*holes, regardless of their partners weight. Hopefully you can resolve this, but if not, you sound like a strong women who will get on with her 'new' life. Take care x

 

[Bookie]

some of my friends reckon because feeling threatened now I'm losing weight! I just think he is an arsehole

One doesn't preclude the other.

 

[ICAWM]

Other people sometimes don't know what they are feeling or why. I doubt he consciously thought "I'm feeling insecure, I'll pick a fight" but it's happening.

You should try talking together and you might surprise yourselves as we as each other. It's not about confrontation, it's about mutual respect and understanding.

That said - don't blindly cling to 'the love of your life' without knowing in your heart of hearts WHY you love him. Do you like being out down; made to feel inferior; mollycoddling him?

I don't know you, or him, so I cannot judge. I can speak from experience when I say change can alter the dynamics of a relationship. If someone doesn't accept you for who you are now (whether it's now now or now next year) then they don't deserve you.

Good luck with your op ?