Talking to children

[suepat10]

I am a little concerned that I've made a mistake.

The bariatric co-ordinator at the Whittington called this afternoon (after I left a message this morning) and we had a little chat. Then on my way to take my son to the dentist I popped in to the doctor's surgery to check a referral letter had been sent off (which it has).

Having been child free for the past few days I 'forgot' I had my son around since 2pm today so he had overheard both conversations.

My son is a very mature 12 year old. I was on my own with him for many years and he is an only child - so quite adult in his outlook. His teachers have commented on his maturity and how they know they can rely on him. (And because he is nearly 6' tall he doesn't look his age!!)

Anyway, he was worried there is something wrong as I had been talking to/about a hospital about appointments etc. I took the decision to take him off to a quiet little cafe we go to sometimes and I told him the reason for my referral, what the procedure will be at the Whittington, how it will affect what I eat. He asked me about whether there were any risks. I explained that there were, but also about how statistics can be read in different ways. How I've had 2 major ops in the past with no problems whatsoever.

Bless his heart, he told me I don't need to lose weight. I had to be blunt and tell him I'm twice the weight I should be. I mentioned how I want to take him swimming. Go on a family PGL holiday with him etc. I also explained how my health will improve.

I'd always intended to tell him some of it nearer to the time and am a little worried I've told him too much too soon.

What does anyone else think?

xxx

 

[mandym1]

Ah Sue that sounds like a difficult conversation but from what you say he is a very level headed young man. I'm sure when it sinks in and hes had time to process all the information he will realise this is a positive move for you. With lots of re-assurance from you I am sure he will be fine. I would answer all of his questions because I'm sure he will think of some more before your operation. Both kids and grown ups have a tendancy to fill in the blanks with much worse things. Well done Sue sounds like you handled it great x

 

[Big an Bouncy]

I dont think you will have any probs.Keep him in the loop from now on.Just watch when you have been done not to show too much pain if you have any cos he may react and say you shouldnt of done it!Im sure you will both be fine.Maz x

 

[21tasha]

Hi Sue...I think you handled the situation perfectly....as you say he is a very mature 12 yr old and at least he knows what is happening now rather then worrying about what could be wrong etc. Just continue to reassure him about the positives of having this op...how it will change your life and health and enable you to do more fun things with your son....and answer any questions/concerns he may have xxx

 

[dolly48dd]

I think youve done the right thing i worried about telling my 12 year old. i think she would have been worried to death if i had just gone into hosp and id not told her anything or i had lied to her and she then found out. her and her older sister (15 year old) surport me and encourage me and im so proud to call them my babys. i hope it all works out for you and your son.xx

 

[phatmomma]

Sue i had a similar conversation the only difference been my girls were 10 & 12. The only question they wanted answers to were 'are you going to die'? To which i told them NO. I wasn't going to die and the thought never even entered my head tbh. If being morbidly obese didn't kill me then having an op to help me stop being morbidly obese isn't either... I too explained that it will improve the quality of not just my life but their life too And it has....

 

[suepat10]

Thank you all for your words and advice x x

 

[penelope1008]

Sue, It's great you have such a fantastic relationship with your son and it is great the way he has taken on board what is going to be happening to you in the next few months etc. If I may make a suggestion perhaps you need to discuss this with someone else who you are both close to or at least your son is a family member or perhaps his teacher so they are aware of what you are both going through and that he knows he can go to if he has any worries he doesn't want to share with you. Like will you die he may ask and accept your assurances on the face of it but he may still worry and act out those fears in some way so having someone he trusts that he can go to with fears he may not want to share with you incase he upsets you may be a good idea. I don't know your son obviously and can only use the past experiences with my boys they all know and worry in their own ways about me and this and past surgeries, so I have been honest with them each time and told their teachers so they were aware and if they thought the boys needed a neutral person to talk to they could approach the boys and the boys knew they were ok to talk to them if they needed. Perhaps worth a thought. Penny.

 

[suepat10]

Thank you Penny x

My son is very close to my partner (all been living together for a couple of years) and I've told my son's dad, they speak regularly and see each other whenever possible.

I'm definitely going to take your advice and asthe op comes closer and starts to become 'real', will remind hinge has got these people to talk to x

 

[Rebirth]

Hi Sue, my girls were 8 and 6 when I told them. They too had concerns and I have to admit I was honest about the risks etc. However, they could see how much my excess weight was affecting my health and when I explained that not doing anything would definately shorten my life, but, the op would change it hopefully for the better, they were alright. They had my husband to talk to, although he never encouraged it. I have 2 very good friends who knew about my decision to have the op. The one was a type of surrogate sounding board for them and they knew they could talk to her anytime. She wrote them a lovely letter in which she included her telephone number etc. I know that the girls did speak to her a couple of times, despite me living in Machester and her in the Midlands.

Your son sounds quite mature for his age. The other thing I did was to take the girls to a few of the informal meetings that the support group had in cafes etc. This helped them to see the differance the op had made to everyone and the fact that they had survived it all.

 

[Kevin1708]

I firmly believe that things happen for a reason . . . it is far better he finds out from you rather than from someone else. It is only natural that he will be worried about you but the truth is always the best way xx

 

[gibb100503]

i have 3 godchildren and night before my op. for my sleeve i had to have long chats with each of them to explain what was happening, and also the risks involved.
at least they were prepared if anything had gone wrong.
but luckly it didnt.

stew

 

[Karen19745]

My children were 12 and 14 when I started this journey (now 14 & 16) and I told them everything from the start and they have supported me all the way, more so than my partner. My daughter is the oldest and she went with me to every appt from the seminar and she was like my rock. She too like your son is more mature for her age so I think you have done the right thong telling him everything, I'm sure he too will be your rock, Karen x

 

[suepat10]

Thank you all for putting my mind to rest.

I'm going to the local support group meeting next Wednesday and from what I can gather they have summer socials etc so I'll take him along to those and he can talk to other people/kids etc xx

 

[frodoald]

Hi Sue
I have 2 boys. One is 13 and like your son is mature for his age. My other son is 11 and is very sensitive. I told them both individually once I got my funding through. This is because children always pick up on things going on around them and I didn't want my youngest especially to make up his own scenarios in his head and panic. I think you have done the right thing and I am sure he appreciates you taking him into your confidence.

 

[suepat10]

Hi Sue
I have 2 boys. One is 13 and like your son is mature for his age. My other son is 11 and is very sensitive. I told them both individually once I got my funding through. This is because children always pick up on things going on around them and I didn't want my youngest especially to make up his own scenarios in his head and panic. I think you have done the right thing and I am sure he appreciates you taking him into your confidence.

I've just seen how close your dates are to mine - my funding approval letter was dated 19th May.

I hope your journey happens quickly x

 

[frodoald]

I've just seen how close your dates are to mine - my funding approval letter was dated 19th May.

I hope your journey happens quickly x

Thanks Sue - yours too!!
I am currently waiting for my 1st appointment to come through from the L&D (Luton & Dunstable). I could have gone to Birmingham and I believe the process is a bit quicker there - but I come from Dunstable and my husband still has family there so the L&D was a natural choice for me even if it takes a bit longer.

 

[preetypee]

this is a very delicate issue i have a daughter (9 years) she also want to know why i want the surgery. i am still thinking about saying it gently without alarming her she is so young. i think you have done it well though. xx

 

[suepat10]

this is a very delicate issue i have a daughter (9 years) she also want to know why i want the surgery. i am still thinking about saying it gently without alarming her she is so young. i think you have done it well though. xx

Good luck with this. I think this more than anything else bought home how it effects others, not just me x

 

[bigfella1]

keep talking about it until it is an everyday topic and all his questions and worries are out in the open.