What happened to my husband?

[Boblatina]

After my incessant optimism, something has happened which has made me hit a bit of a brick wall.

Has anyone else had problems with their partner accepting them having WLS?

My OH is a lovely, lovely man and, up to now very supportive about me having WLS. We have obviously talked about it a lot since it was first suggested by my GP as a possibility at the beginning of the year and up to now he has been very supportive and even a bit proud (eg he’s told a close friend of ours and close members of his family what the plan was and what the fantastic results were likely to be even though I have been keeping quiet as much as I can – telling only 1 very close friend of mine)

However, last night completely out of the blue he said “I don’t know that I can support you through this. It is going to be such a fundamental change to our life and I know you are going to be miserable”

Well I hit the roof asking him how happy he actually thought I was at the moment at this weight when I can hardly walk and can't wipe my own bum most of the time. To which his reply was “Well, if they are going to put you on a milk diet anyway why can’t you just go on that?”

Now, I know he is worried about me having an operation but WTF? This is just as insulting as being told that all I need to do is to take the stairs occasionally and eat a bit more salad. My sister was in a very similar physical position to me and she dropped dead when she was 50 so he knows that this is a very real worry for me not just some temporary whim. I’m not going to cheat on him if I lose weight (I do love him and, anyway, I am too lazy to go through all the subterfuge of an affair ‘cos I worry about things too much)

I am hoping that this is just a temporary wobble on his part (he did have a medical scare himself the other week when he had a strangulated hernia and had to have emergency surgery) but I am so upset. Logically I know it won’t get to the point of having to chose between him and WLS but this is genuinely life or death for me so ……….

Love

TillyBob

 

[margaretmc]

Hi TillyBob
He must be worried about you getting the surgery only he`s turning it around . We all know that the is risks in having surgery , but in my eyes its a risk worth taking . Would you take him to one of the meetings near you . Plus if you have (and it sounds you have ) a good strong marriage the is no way you would stray . Maybe he was just taken a wee wobbly that you will be more independent and wont need his help any more . Good luck with your surgery hun I hope everything goes well for you . Take care .
Margaret xx
PS
have you got a date yet and where are you getting your surgery just being nosey lol .

 

[lollycakes]

He is probably worried about the risks of the surgery as well as feeling insecure and scared that once you lose the weight, you'll decide you can do better than him and leave. You need to sit him down and explain to him in no uncertain terms how your weight affects you and how this surgery is really a last resort. Get him to explain why he doesn't feel he can support you, get him to tell you his feelings, fears, worries, concerns. Once you know why he's being like this, you'll be able to work on calming him down from his fears/worries.

Its not fair that he is being like this, but I think we can all be selfish and focus on ourselves and not how our actions affect others, so you should both have a good long chat so you can support each other.

 

[tinkywinky]

Hi
Im sorry to hear about your hubbys reaction, i wonder if its nerves.
as suggested take him along to a meeting if you can, as we do all the research and deciding for ourselves and they dont so maybe thats what he needs. i took my hubby to one and it reassured both of us and he has supported me all the way.
bestof luck as this must be really hard to deal with.

 

[Karlos]

Although my much beloved was totally supportive of me going surgical, she did have some doubt that once I'd lost my 14 stone I would be off with a 20 year old blond (If any out there would like to apply for the role PM me )

We laughed about it but I could see there was a nagging concern there (Well I am devilishly handsome ) (Oh and joking by the way ) I just made it very clear that her thoughts of me looking elsewhere were rubbish. After all the years of my lovely lady putting up with my hugeness, for me to harbour any of these thoughts would just be too rude.

Let you husband know the risks are very small, and the benefits for both of you far outweigh them. Tell him the things you can do together that are just not physically possible now will cement your lives together.

 

[phatmomma]

All of the above i am agreeing with. He loves you and is scared of complications from the operation. He is scared because he obviously thinks your gorgeous now (he wouldn't be with you if he didn't now would he?) and is scared when your thinner and still as gorgeous as now (i hate it when its intimated you'll get better looking cos your thinner) that you'll be chased by virile young men and succumb to the passion. Okay he's insecure basically. I'm not gonna make guesses about how your feelings are verbalised, but maybe more verbal reassurances that you love him and he is an important part of your world could help...

I know exactly how you feel though, i got with my man in Nov last year, whirlwind romance. He loves me the size i am, that was some of the attraction for him, he likes women with softness (or fat girls as i'm allowed to say). I haven't pushed for booking a wedding date (we are going to do it next year) because i need to know that much as he 'loves' me, i still want him to 'want' me! But at the end of the day, surgery is needed more than love right now.

Let's face it, are we living at the moment? Yeah some of the time i feel happy, but when i want to do some stuff then i'm miserable because my size stops me....

Good luck, my suggestion cuddle up on the sofa and have a good old heart to heart xxx

 

[gaelic girl]

Not much i can add to all the comments my hubby has been supportive but pre op he admitted that i would run off too with someone else when i lost the weight ( my hubby is 6ft 5" and 27 stone) so may have something to do with it. I keep telling him i won't but i know i will have to reassure along the way so hopefully your hubby will come round and see things from your point of view and not let his insecurities hold you back x

 

[lamornamiss]

Why don't you both sit down together and write a pro and cons list each.
I can only think he is feeling insecure and worried as any partner would be feeling.
You are both going on a journey that no one but you can make. Some people have made a similar journey but you can't follow in their footsteps you have to make your own decisions on how you start and finish this trip.
Good Luck

 

[Boblatina]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post such lovely things. I know that what you are all saying is right and that he is just having a fit of nerves but - as usual - no matter how logical and understanding I try to be about it I am just having an even bigger fit of nerves (and stupidity) in return

But there is a big part of me that is annoyed at him thinking like this. (Particularly after the shock we had the other weekend when he collapsed and was 90 minutes on the floor of a pub loo before his friends thought of bothering to look for him and the first I heard of this was when I phoned him to pick up a pint of milk on his way home only for him to tell me "I can't talk, I'm in an ambulance" - I can't help thinking that after I held it together about him (again :sigh he should return the compliment in slightly more controlled circumstances.)

I can't help feeling really miffed that he is suddenly making a song and dance about "never being able to eat together" and "how can I eat in front of you" when one of the main bones of contention I have had with him over the years is that I am a foodie and he is just a "food is fuel" kind of guy (and a veggie to boot) so going out to eat on holiday is always a source of arguments because he won't have any input into where we go and then, when I do chose somewhere, he will come out with a hundred reasons why he doesn't like it.

I know that if that is the main reason we argue (only reason really) then we are luckier than many (most?) other married couples but it is still annoying.

Anyway rant over and thanks again.

love

TillyBob

 

[Bonita]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post such lovely things. I know that what you are all saying is right and that he is just having a fit of nerves but - as usual - no matter how logical and understanding I try to be about it I am just having an even bigger fit of nerves (and stupidity) in return

But there is a big part of me that is annoyed at him thinking like this. (Particularly after the shock we had the other weekend when he collapsed and was 90 minutes on the floor of a pub loo before his friends thought of bothering to look for him and the first I heard of this was when I phoned him to pick up a pint of milk on his way home only for him to tell me "I can't talk, I'm in an ambulance" - I can't help thinking that after I held it together about him (again :sigh he should return the compliment in slightly more controlled circumstances.)

I can't help feeling really miffed that he is suddenly making a song and dance about "never being able to eat together" and "how can I eat in front of you" when one of the main bones of contention I have had with him over the years is that I am a foodie and he is just a "food is fuel" kind of guy (and a veggie to boot) so going out to eat on holiday is always a source of arguments because he won't have any input into where we go and then, when I do chose somewhere, he will come out with a hundred reasons why he doesn't like it.

I know that if that is the main reason we argue (only reason really) then we are luckier than many (most?) other married couples but it is still annoying.

Anyway rant over and thanks again.

love

TillyBob

Who's been feeding him porkies? Of course you will eat together again, you'll just eat less and take a little longer thats all and why should you be unhappy once its done? I've been through hell with my bypass but am exstatic at the outcome and the way I'm feeling now. Are you sure thats whats really bothering him? Sometimes our loved ones hide the big things that bother them by telling us the little things.

My husband told me last week that he has gone through a whole host of emotions during my journey, from absolute shock/fear/horror/annoyance to feeling useless, to being jealous, to being scared, to being excited.

He felt useless because I was in pain and he could do nothing to help me.

He was jealous because this journey is mine and he can't be a part of it, its all about me and will be for some time to come.

The fear is that one day I may walk away from him because I'm not that chubby girl that other guys might not look at any more.

The annoyance is because he is a cook and can't cook for me like he used to.

He is scared because like most men he doesn't like change and is scared our lives will never be the same again, on the other hand he's excited because he can see the changes and happyness I'm feeling.

Worried that I might buy him a bike as well or put him on a diet, although he does need to methinks..... Stop it Bonita, don't go there....lol

But above all the one thing that will be our saving grace, is that we have both been open and honest about the way we feel all the way through.

Don't get cross with him, reasure him, (I know thats easier said than done) but this really is as hard for him as it is you. Remember how you felt when you found out he was ill then times that by ten and you might come somewhere close to what he's feeling right now.

 

[thinkbethin]

Its only because he loves you and is worried about the risks. He will come round and get his self into gear for you having such a healthier life. I always say if a marriage is worth saving then you'll get through this. Invovle him in everything so he does'nt feel left out and let him know that you want to live a long healthy life with him by your sidexx

 

[j.u.s.t.l.i.z.]

men are insecure creatures, they can be supportive at 1st but when it starts happening for real then there true feelings come out "there insecurities" NOT YOURS !, yes hes worried about you and obviously loves you lots but he has to understand that you are doing this for you, and to improve your quality of life, take him to a support group where he can chat with others, and also to others partners thats had wls, it can help him ajust and put his mind at rest.

liz x

 

[rosejohnson]

I just made my husband read this thread! As much for him to know he is not the only partner having these worries, but to let him see all your replies which are much more eloquent than I could have put them. He genuinely believes I will be miserable after this operation, perpetually hungry and tortured at what I can't eat, or breaking the 'rules' and eating what I am eating now and making myself sick and therefore miserable.
Thanks for a really great thread, hope these partners can get their fears overcome so they can support us through one of the most major events in our lives!!

O/T slightly, I suggested to my husband that this might be a good time for him to go on a diet too.. he didn't kill me which is good!

 

[Boblatina]

Thanks again everyone to everyone. We ended up having a serious talk last night about the likelihood of me not surviving the operation or turning into some skinny randy lad-mag type, s******g around after a succesful one. (He is not a fan of skinny women but I have also reminded him that basic biology means that I am never likely to become a Kate Moss type and that even when I was at my thinest (about a size 18 many years ago) I was defintely more hourglass than clothes rail)

I pointed out that I was still going to be me and I wasn't interested in having affairs - been there when I was much younger and much more stupid (well before I met him) and knew that it wasn't fun. And if anythng drove that behaviour it was LOW self esteem and self-respect not improved self esteem.

I also reminded him that when we met it was a real thunderbolt moment for both of us and the chances of us getting over that (or having another one with another person) were pretty much non existent.

I know that he is still feeling a bit sensitive after the shock he had with needing emergency surgery the other week and he is feeling a bit useless because he can't do much around the house at the moment and so I am doing a lot of his usual tasks, all the shopping and driving as well as working full time. (He's also got quite a bad scar from it to which he's a bit self concious about too ) We have had a year or so of really bad things happening to us and to close family but this opportunity is a GOOD thing.

I haven't showed him this thread (because I have been a bit too confessional on it for someone like him ) but I did show him Bonita's long thread to show him that even when very bad things happen with the op people get through it and DON'T REGRET HAVING IT!!!!

Back feeling a LOT more positive today - just waiting on the damn letter from Kings:sigh:

Thanks again everyone

Love

TillyBob

 

[Boblatina]

BTW - how do you thank people on this board? Is it the button that says "add to reputation"? You all deserve thanking big-style.

love

TillyBob

 

[LizzieBee]

Morning TillyBob! I think you need to have made 50 posts before the 'Thanks' button appears. I am glad you and the hubby had a good heart to heart. I am sure he will get his head round it soon. Men do like to feel in control and WLS surgery sure takes that control away from us! I am only 6 weeks out and feel amazing. I still enjoy eating, just much less in quantity and junk-value! I find that I look for more tasty morsels and it has not interfered with eating out, I just adjust my thinking from 'which will be the biggest portion' to 'which will be the healthier and tastier meal' plus I don't mind leaving most of it... It is fabulous!
I am sure that he will be fine when he sees your happiness and health increase.

Hope you don't have to wait too long and the letter arrives soon! I used to call the secretary regularly for updates and in the end she rang me with a cancellation!

Lx