Worried they will find out! Stressed!

[clar01]

So I have my bypass in a months time and to hide the fact have told family and friends I am having a ladies operation, I have also sowed seeds in their mind that i am going to start lighter life in September.
One friend has put two and two together and has asked my other friend if she thinks I'm having a gastric band. Now they are questioning me and I hate lying, but I dont want to tell them!
It's had me in tears today. I just don't know what to do for the best!

X

 

[Caren]

awww honey, whay are you so worried about them finding out? As friends, im sure they will support you xxx

 

[clar01]

I know they would, I just know they will tell other people. My whole family are big and as soon as someone loses weight they criticise, so I'm just worried about that really.
Also paranoid it won't work!
I might feel different after the op but at the minute I really want to keep it secret!
Not sure whether to just come clean?!?

 

[chrisa]

Well it is difficult, at 1st was just my boss at work and hubby and daughter and my mam and dadthen 2 of my bessy mates, didnt trust anyone else. But I have had no bad press from anyone some people still dont know iv had a bypass theyn just know iv lost a lot of weight and want to know how, everyone is interested but shocked when they here, they all think its the band then they realise it is lifetime change and say well done and it must be difficult making that kind of decision, so don't be scared just tell who you have to friends n family, I didnt want people gossiping behind my back so I was selective didnt even tell 1 of my 2 sisters till 1 year o n the journey, and my friends at church only learned of it in January last year because I needed the support and would need it even more after the surgery, we don't drive hubby n me so we would be relying on my parents etc. Got loads of offers from friends n family and had lots of visitors afterwards to. Got loads of card to take in hosp with me, the love sopme people give is amazing, love n support is what will help you get through, its still upto you I am pleased i was selective though but I did explain to those I told that it wasnt for public info. I think most of them respected my wishes only the odd one who didnt. xx

 

[Yvessa]

If I'm absolutely honest I found the closer I got to the operation the more I wanted to tell people. And I'm so glad I did as I needed their support desperately post op. I do have one person in my life who is not as supportive/helpful as others but I can live with her negativity (well, kinda have to as she's my mum lol) because everyone else is so positive. Be upfront with them - the bypass is drastic and you will shed weight quite obviously. And if you eat out your portions will be obvious too.

 

[shelleymarie]

I absolutely understand the fear of failure and wanting to keep it to yourself but from a bypass the initial weight loss can be quite drastic, and if they are already suspicious now they really are going to be if you dropping stone after stone in a short period of time. I would be honest too but ask them to respect your privacy and please not to tell anyone else. Say you might decide to tell others later but it has to be you that tells people not them. If they are good friends they will do that, if you can't trust them to do that then continue to say nothing to them, they can speculate all they want but if you can't trust them to keep quiet then you don't want to trust them to support you. Hopefully you can though as I think if it is making you upset it's something that needs resolving. Best of luck x

 

[clar01]

Well the friends in question are amazing friends, but have both told me other peoples 'little secrets' and I don't think I can trust them not to let mine out.
Just chatted it through with the other half and he raised a good point. Both friends have had cosmetic procedures and not told me until months afterwards, so I'll have the op, put weightlessness down to the Cambridge diet avoid socialising for a while and if I then feel ok about telling them I will. Still don't want to tell the family, they just wouldn't let it rest and fire a million questions and opinions xxx

 

[ceejay]

Sorry guys, but Id lie!
I didn't want anyone to know about my op, and apart from 3 family members and my hubby, nobody knows about my sleeve, not even my kids (though they're only 7, 5 & 3). If you say you're having a personal op, it's not a huge lie!
I think some people are jealous, others think it's the easy way out and some just don't understand. As much as the support would be good, the ignorance can be bad. I'd start dieting when you're with them now, then when the weight starts to slide they'll think nothing of it.
No one at all has questioned if I've had surgery, so I've got away with it - I'm sure you will!
Best of luck.

 

[PhilT]

For me the whole process required and requires honesty with myself and nearly everyone I know particularly those that are close and those who need to gossip - The truth disarms them! Not that there is anything to gossip about Dishonesty and hiding are actually "symptoms" that could have led to weight gain and premorbid behaviours! It is also important to remind others and ourselves that the surgery is actually not JUST about Weight Loss true Bariatric surgery is about saving your life and why should anyone be jealous of you for wanting to LIVE and if they are jealous of you wanting to breath, move and live they aint worth knowing!!

 

[incognito_46]

I know exactly how you feel. I have told a handful of people and I'm so scared of telling anyone as I'm embarassed if i'm honest. And, I know how judgemental people can be. How about we do this together. I'm as nervous as you are? x x

 

[OOnion]

If you have a fear "it wont work" - then it's easy for them not to know, as you won't then have to explain yourself when you don't loose weight - However if you tell them then you will have to take responsibility and they (friends and family) may hold you to account if it does not work - Perhaps it is that fear that is holding you back from telling people... Start with a positive mind frame - it is not the band that "doesn't work" - it's the food that you are putting through the band.
Good Luck with whatever you choose xxx

 

[edge]

Snap!!! I know how you feel,my gastric bypass op date is booked for the 15th oct,only a couple of people close to me know about it.I have even told some of them that I am having a band fitted and not a bypass.Eventually I will come clean:but after the event.I feel that people are less likely to try and talk me out of it if they think it can be removed if I have problems.Dont know my reasoning behind that it just seems like an easier explanation.Funny how you feel you have to explain yourself to everyone and justify what you are about to go through.In a few months when you have lost some weight everyone will say its the best thing you have ever done,Dont worry about telling anyone till after its done,look forward to the new you,thats what im trying to do.

 

[ceejay]

I feel that people are less likely to try and talk me out of it ...

I can so relate to this point. I was offered a bypass back in December, but I had done so well dieting on my own, I had doubts. Then I had a family member who I'd trusted enough to tell and he just kept talking about succeeding alone, and the few horror stories he knew. Needless to say, I cancelled.
When I confided in him about my sleeve, I left it 'til the day before I was admitted, and his first words were "Can I talk you out of it?" I just said no way, and that had to be the end of the conversation.
I haven't seen him since the week after my op but he will notice a difference in me when he does.
I think it's very different telling people afterwards, and you'll probably care less about who knows. I also think it's a personal thing and therefore others don't need to know - they don't know what you weigh, as I'm sure you don't know what they weigh.... Because it's personal!

 

[penelope1008]

You have to do or not do what suits you & how you wish to deal with things. For me being open about it worked better, I got support & encouragement from most a few negatives from some but those reactions were their problem not mine. I'd made my choice & decision for me & my long term health, I chose a longer life with less pain despite the challenges I would have to face as I took the bypass route.
Do what you feel is best for you, be prepared if it does come out to face the disappointment of those who feel perhaps aggrieved you didn't trust them but if they love you they'll accept your reasons & move on with you.
Whatever you decide there will be those that support you & those that knock your choice but your doing it for you so go with what you feel best for you. You have this site for support which is great but close family/friends support is invaluable to & sometimes more immediate.
Good luck & best wishes with your journey.

Sent from my iPhone using WLSurgery

 

[emma-louise]

Well...in an 'IDEAL' world everyone of course honesty is the better policy..but we are not in ideal world where all people are understanding,and it's sad.
People are mean,jealous and damn right horrible to overweight people needing operations on the Nhs,I told nobody and I'm glad..
Weightloss surgery is in the main news again this morning,so get again we will have the some of the public saying horrible remarks...like 'Just Stop Eating' etc

 

[Evenstarr]

I was so excited I told everybody I could, but I was lucky in that I got a positive response from everyone I told.
If anyone had been negative I think I'd have had nothing much more to do with them, I see my bypass as something to be proud of...it's helping me cure an addiction! Much like anti smoking tools such as patches and gum, which help cure a nicotine addiction, and no one is ashamed to say they're using those!
But ultimately it's a personal decision, I'm lucky that my obesity has never caused me to recieve abuse from other people, but a lot of people on here have received horrible abusive comments even from strangers because of it and I can see that they might not want to be on the receiving end of yet more unpleasant comments.
Em xxx

 

[emmakc]

I wasn't going to tell anyone (except close family and work) at least until after the operation. I wasn't even going to tell them afterwards until my mum reminded me of a conversation we kept having about my neighbour!!

My neighbour lost a shed load of weight, about seven stone really quickly. We have kids the same age and do the school run together (although we are not close friends) and I kept asking her what her secret was as I was desperate to lose it. She just kept saying "I just don't eat as much" and I kept saying to my mum (bit *****y) "she's done something, she's on lighter life or had an op etc as there's no way she would have done it alone". It turns out she now takes laxatives after every binge.

The point I'm trying to make (badly) is that I wasn't going to tell anyone but my mum reminded me how much I kept going on about my neighbour as it seemed to unbelievable and she said that's what people will say about you.

My point is, people will gossip anyway, once the weight is falling off, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of so I wouldn't worry about telling people afterwards once you know its successful (which it will be)! Saying that, its really no ones business so if you are more comfortable not telling people, don't.

I wish you all the luck in the world x

 

[PhilT]

I actually found the TV and radio coverage in response to the Daily mail article very encouraging indeed I myself was on LBC radio as the last caller in a debate and the presenter felt it was a very positive end to an emotive subject and the more publicitity WLS gets increases the chances for US to challenge the misconceptions!

 

[bexh]

Been following this with interest. We are all different and deal with our own personal situations the best way for ourselves.

Thought I would share my story. I am a private person (despite my life being exposed through my art work), have social phobia, hate being centre of attention and worse of all being talked about. So I surprised myself with the action I took over exposing my op. I'm an artist currently doing a masters degree and about to start the major MA project and currently writing the proposal for this. I decided as this coincided with the op and so far I have centred my art work around the resonating events in my life, I decided I would research and develop a body of work looking at the psychological changes one goes through during this weight loss procedure.

So this meant it was going to be pretty much out there in the public sphere! So I started a blog and then just let everyone on Facebook and Twitter know, got it all out there in one go. Told those who matter personally, everyone else if they were interested could have a look at my blog. I shocked myself, honestly I couldn't believe how public I was with something so personal!

Anyway, the responses I had were absolutely amazing, I was truly touched and then felt guilty that I thought so badly of people. I had such positive responses, everyone was so caring and awe of how brave I was!! Not just in exposing myself but about the operation. Not had one single negative comment, despite me waiting for it. I think we think the worse of ourselves, much worse than what actually happens sometimes!

I agree with Phil that getting the truth out there disarms the gossips.

Like I said before though everyone has their own ways of dealing with their own situations but never underestimate how kind others can be when given the chance.

Good luck with your decision but best of all good luck with the op and your journey in life.

 

[jenny17]

I had my op in May and lied. The only people who know the truth are my husband and daughter. My mum and everyone else think I have had a hernia op.

The thing that made it easier for me was that as soon as I had attended the seminar, I started on a healthy eating plan to prepare me for a bypass, so that the weight loss was not as sudden. When anyone asks me about my weight loss, I tell them I have done it through healthy eating and LOTS of exercise, which is the truth. The bypass is a tools which helps, but remember, we do all the hard work ourselves