BandedHuns Mad Fat Diary

[BandedHun]

DAY 3 - Post Op

I thought I'd write today about changing my life. I spent some time today listening to the "8 golden rules of the band" and watching success stories on the WLS and it occurred to me the whole process I went thru a couple if days before was a grieving process. It was a way of myself saying goodbye to the relationship is relied upon got years of sadness, unhappiness, happiness, anger and resentment. That that relationship after a band was to be non existent anymore. In a good way though. It's scary, I think it's underestimated how much the WLS changes your life. I'm only three days post op but in order to make the surgery work there has to be the right attitude behind it, otherwise you are wasting time and money.

The WLS is no way a miraculous cute and over night you will be a size 8 model. No. You may in a years time become a healthy you. You. For me this is the biggest acceptance I have to come to terms with. Years of Yoyo dieting when I was slim I didn't know who I was. I didn't like me. I'm not a bad person, not at all, but I disliked me. I wasn't worth being that size 10 girl. I was second best. I was the fat bubbly girl. I wasn't the slim pretty one. Those type of thoughts are Raw. They hurt. When you tell yourself that all your adolescent life it's quite hard to just let those thoughts go because of a silicone band.

I had to give myself the chance to get to know me.

For me this journey will not be about me getting to a number in my head that makes me think all of a sudden ill look like Cameron Diaz in a bikini. I have to accept me in that bikini. I look forward to the day I can actually like myself. Not for being the funny girl. The nice kind girl. But like how I look too. Like wearing dresses and smart clothes and not scared someone will undermine what I'm wearing.... I have a fear of wearing fashionable tight outfits, like if I have a fat till that's it the item of clothing can't be worn, I long for that day simply wearing a primark tight Tee won't stress me out because I have a 1cm muffin top above my size 10 jeans ( as this is what happened to me last summer and thus the demise of my diet success and subsequent weight gain )

I know I've a long journey mentally ahead, but eat day I wake up is a lighter day of the burden I carry in my heart of all my past pains, and a day lighter to beginning to be the ME I deserve to be, the person who's inside matched her outside.


Food diary today
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

B- 50kcal weight watchers yoghurt
Water
L- greek yoghurt
Cup of tea & Sweetner
D - 400g can of tomato soup
Water
S- morrisson moose and light spray cream

Total kcal - 529kcal

Whoooo over 500 kcal today !!!!

 

[Banderbird]

Nope, it's not a miracle cure, but I did it for the same reasons as you; to end that miserable cycle of yoyo dieting, of binging and starving, of buying size 12s one minute, then getting depressed when you can't get them past your knees.

Banders like Flutterby and Mazza are proof of just how successful it can be in the longterm, and that's what keeps me going.

It's tough when the hunger eventually kicks in again after surgery, but always hang in there, as this is the long game now.

I found the worst time was waiting for my second fill.

 

[BandedHun]

Thanks banderbird.

Starting to get hunger at night now but at present I am only taking in very limited calories indeed. Like 500 kcal so I could double my intake but I'm cautious about gradually doing it to cause minimal damage / change to the band position and healing ...

I'm getting my fluids in and that to me I the main thing

Thanks for your support xx

 

[emmahc1975]

There's a lot that you've said there that echoes many of my thoughts (some of which are so suppressed in my brain I'd forgotten about those feelings & desires)
I love the way you write about things. It helps me stay focused.
Your attitude to the journey you've just started is spot on & will help you on your way.
I look forward to seeing the transformation to a new you

 

[BandedHun]

Ahhh Emma, that's lovely thank you. I just think it's so vital to changing our lives. Admitting, accepting, changing , progressing and success. And it doesn't have to end at success either because it's a new way of life, opens new doors, new journeys, there are people who want children they progress on to be great parents, who knows.... I just for me ... Feel like this silicone band, although I know it's hard work too, the sky's the limit... My life has hope again ;-)

 

[MrsDuck]

You're an absolute inspiration Hun, you keep me going too. I said it before a few days ago, you make me see that I'm not alone with these drug addict type cravings and binges. These crazy yoyo diets and starvations too. You've described everything so perfectly and honestly, it's like reading my own diary.

Reading your diary is like therapy, it's reassuring and comforting to know I'm not the only one who's suffered at the hands of this crap addiction. I'm not the only one who hides food incase someone else eats it. I'm not the only one who lies about what they've eaten previously to justify the next meal. I stand in the kitchen, hunting for food. Anything, just to give me that buzz. I eat it so quickly I don't even taste it anymore. And then the guilt sets in.

But Im not a freak and I'm not alone. I am doing something about it, to end it once and for all. Before it's too late.. Xx

 

[BandedHun]

You're an absolute inspiration Hun, you keep me going too. I said it before a few days ago, you make me see that I'm not alone with these drug addict type cravings and binges. These crazy yoyo diets and starvations too. You've described everything so perfectly and honestly, it's like reading my own diary. Reading your diary is like therapy, it's reassuring and comforting to know I'm not the only one who's suffered at the hands of this crap addiction. I'm not the only one who hides food incase someone else eats it. I'm not the only one who lies about what they've eaten previously to justify the next meal. I stand in the kitchen, hunting for food. Anything, just to give me that buzz. I eat it so quickly I don't even taste it anymore. And then the guilt sets in. But Im not a freak and I'm not alone. I am doing something about it, to end it once and for all. Before it's too late.. Xx

MrDuck... Yes that's me in a nutshell. The anger is feel if someone ate the food I wanted to eat! Jeez. Gosh I remember that, funnily enough now, I don't feel, everyone around me is eating and I just dont seem bothered by food at the moment. It doesn't give me the level of satisfaction it once did In that drug crazed frenzy I'd binge in. I'm calm around meal time now. That's such a blessing. I have to remind myself to eat at meal times. ( I know it's early days and hunger will set in but I'm so scared of hurting my band or damaging it I just won't risk it anymore)

In time I guess we will see what happens with me and the weight loss... In the mean time. Not long to go mrsDuck! You will be fine if your fine if your honest with yourself and you WANT to change - I know I had to physically stop myself from being able to binge because like an addict I just couldn't rely on my will alone xxx

 

[BandedHun]

DAY 4 - struggle day

Starting to feel hungry and the grumbling of my tummy keeps me awake a lot. I'm sleeping well and I do feel like, now the junk hasn't entered my body for over a week now I have more energy. I wake up at 7-30. Not slugish, ok I Rollllllll out of bed because it's painful trying to pull my stomach up ( assume it's the port site ) - yes so Roly Poly out of bed feel a weight off my shoulder. I'm enjoying the empty feeling too. The non bloated stomach and being able to start breathing in. Wow.

I'm in the 14st bracket now. 0k ...14st12 and kinda feel like that's nothing to be proud of but, for the past 6 months, since October I haven't seen 14 on the scales. So I can't grumble. It's nice to be able see the numbers reducing. Although I'm so blinking mindful of loosing weight too fast. Excess skin. No exercise (at the Mo) plus I need my mind to adjust to eating less. Get head around the decrease in my body size so I accept it.

I feel like food today. In my head. We did some food shopping and it was just in my head not wanting liquid stuff but nothing major. Not enough to make me feel regret , anxiety etc, because I want this more than anything.

I have treated myself to a fresh soup today so fingers xd that goes down well and I'll update my calories when the day has closed.

Big smiles :-d

 

[emmahc1975]

Damn that hunger! Congrats on getting into the 14's

 

[BandedHun]

I know only 3 more stone brackets .... Into the 10s then I'll be happy ish me thinks .... As long as my skins tight and I work out x x

 

[BandedHun]

Day 4 food intake

Tried to be different and up the calories by having soup for lunch

EPIC fail ... Made me feel sick ....

B- weight watchers fromage frais 48Kcal
Water
L- condensed soup mushroom - 56kcal
Sugar free squash
S- cuppa tea - 26kcal
D - fresh carrot Thai soup - 119kcal
S- sucked on two lindor balls .... (( noooo!)
Morrison moose and light cream 99kcal


Total 499 kcal

Not a good food day all in all but I've been in the food mentally and I felt sick on the creamy soup and didn't eat it and I felt I needed to get my calories up. I just felt like I was missing food... What I wouldn't give for my cous cous Mexican salad for lunch.... Grrrrr,,.. It's kind of like I'm saying to myself you should have been a good girl and not been food obessed/addicted then you could enjoy food for what it was, not take it for granted and gorge and binge unnecessarily.

I still would change what I've done for the world despite having a day in the food. I feel emptier and have a lot more get up and go. I now long for the best stage if getting a fill and experiencing what that has to offer.

Bring on day 5 ..... :-D

 

[BandedHun]

Day 5-

And this is where the moto One Day at a time comes in .... I was hungry last night and fought off the urge to " Wednesday night binge" as I have done for the past 9 months just to punish myself. Successfully did not eat anything after my 7:30pm choc moose. Feels great. I struggled sleeping all night,well couldn't get to sleep ( maybe I needed to eat )

So woke up at 7am and felt tired from my Kate night but ready to combat the day. Washed dressed, cheeky weigh in -- 14st11lb ... Making 1st 3lb loss since Monday 24th march... It's too quick though. I'm so aware of loosing weight too fast and seeing as I'm only managing 400-500kcals it's frightening me.

Went dine stairs pottered about , wash up, little Uns hair, school run ... Down time, drink my pint of water, as I do every morning now, before food a pint of water straight away to hydrate my skin and body and take away any immediate hunger. Sit down to eat my yoghurt ... Otoh!!! Need the toilet ... Runs to be fair! Big time ( well... For what small quantities I have in my body) sat down , finished my yoghurt to feel within 10 minutes dizzy, nausea and pins and needles in my finger tips. Scary stuff. I felt like my colour just dropped. Did my injection and then forced the OH to make me a cuppa... I've had to come up to rest. Weakness and nausea and dizziness is awful today. I wonder if I'm doing too much too soon on not enough calories. So waiting for the London clinic nurse to call me... I guess she's gonna say.... More food mrs!!!!

Anyway, whilst resting I thought I'd write on here what my binges used to be, to show everyone the type of food and quantities I'd consume in my late night alone binges to help reassure myself I was worthless, ugly and fat....

My old Wednesday nights consisted of

4-6 slices white bread and butter
4-8 packets of crisps ( used to make crisp sandwiches )
3-6 bars / lunchbox chocs/ cereal bars
Bowl of cereal
MYbe a pot noodle or duper noodles ( depending what junk was in the cupboards)

If there wasn't anything I could binge on is ring a take out ....

Egg fried rice
Sea weed
Chicken balls.....

All to myself!!!

Now baring in mind 9/10 I'd already had dinner at 5-6pm .... I used to do this as soon as my OH left for work. Binged till I felt sick in pain and guilty and reassured myself I was a worthless human being....

All that's changed ! And im so pleased I've taken the ability to binge to this degree away.

The futures bright. The future has hope. Even in a poo day like today ;-)

 

[Daisy dog]

hi Banded Hun.Im new to the forum.Had my band on Mon 31st March.Im not eating many calories as well.In agony when I've eaten.Feel crap today.Tummy more swollen than ever.You diary is fab to read because you say it as it is.Keep up the good work x

 

[BandedHun]

Excuse the belly. Lying down .... But here my scars 5 days post op ....

 

[emmahc1975]

They're looking really neat. The port is defiantly the middle one! The others are tiny, you'll hardly notice them when the redness goes

 

[BandedHun]

Thanks Emma - the one in the left hand side my OH was unhappy about he said it's not sealed and it open... They are tender and pulling pain but other than that 1st 3lbs... No grumbles !!!

 

[BandedHun]

Thanks daisy dog,
Means the world, I try every day as I'm
So scared of going back to my binging way, putting in weight or being a failure so I need to put Somewhere exactly what's going on in my head and in my life...

Keep up the hard work and try eat more. ;-) together we can all be the persons we want to be .... ?

 

[BandedHun]

Ok so day 5 I've just cleaned all the scars up and they look a little better, I'm concerned the one I've shown ya'll on it's own is open and that's the painful one. U wonder if that's the port ( so would be in my left side) only because it's swollen underneath and hard.... Hummmm one wonders...

Well I've survived what I thought would be a groggy day and managed to get my calories up to 586 kcal so can't be bad. I did water down two teaspoons of mash to achieve that and put it in my soup tonight ... Of course I tested it to ascertain if it could be consume via a small tubed straw... (Yum)

So food diary for today

B- ww fromage frais 48kcal
Water

L- 1/2 can potato soup
50g mini fromage frais

D- 3/4 can of tomato soup
2 teaspoon of mash

S- cuppa tea
Morrison moose and anchor light spray cream

- total 586kcal

So a better day today than the others food wise.

I'm concerned because years of dieting have meant I pretty much ( other than binges ) eat food the healthier way , so no oil when cooking, don't add butter to meals, grill not fry, drink skimmed not full fat - that sort of thing. So when I spoke to the nurse called and suggested drinking full fat milk etc,,, I was concerned because I'm so used to eating in a healthier way the thought of full fat milk and not skimmed - blurghhhh !!!

Anyway, I know I need to get my calories up somehow, but I can't thru the full fat foods. No no no.

Onwards to another day - day 6 ... I can't wait to be on mushy foods, oh eat porridge or weetabix!!!! Yummmmmmmm....

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this during the first week after op but I crave foods I never craved... Last night... Grilled chicken! That's all I could think of. Mad . Just totally taken for granted how I used to be able to eat. ( serves me right for being an addict)

Anyway nighty night ..... ;-)

 

[WeightlossDreamer]

I craved food just like that too like salad that I wouldn't have craved pre op x x

 

[BandedHun]

Love your new picture and red hair dreamer!!!! Wow! Looking fab