Did a bad thing, approached a woman in the mall

[DaisyMaesy]

I read this with horror. I put myself in your shoes and also in this other lady's shoes. Did it not occur to you that this lady may already have had surgery or been on a diet and that she had lost a few stone and was feeling really proud of herself? What will you have done to her confidence?
Or maybe, like me she was not unhappy in herself and had not even considered surgery as she was content? Not all overweight people are obsessed with being thin and are just happy with their lot. I was offered surgery for the complications in my health and because over 45 years had been a constant yo yo dieter but they never worked because I now realise I was just a happy soul and not tormented about my weight.
I then looked at what she must have thought, there was this skinny b***h preaching at her to lose weight doesn't matter how you got there you are the enemy a thin person preaching!
Then I looked at it from your point, I can see why you did it and it was with the best of intentions as I was the same when I gave up smoking but I soon leaarned that people do not like 'advice'. (Similar to the alcoholic anology) To be honest you were lucky you did not get a slap. I certainly would not advise anyone to do this as my reaction would have been to tell you to mind your own business in no uncertain terms, others might not be so generous. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it is a harsh world out there.

 

[Zionaka]

Wow, what an interesting thread!

I too totally understand why you approached the woman. Post-op, I feel like I wanna shout from the rooftops , that this is the key to weight loss, the cure and the life line.

I have a male cousin, He's a big, big lad, gotta be close to 30 stones and we agonised over our weight together at times. When I decided to have surgery I spoke to him, and turned out his GP had been begging to refer him for a couple of years, he'd refused because of fear over dying during the surgery. He said to me "You do it, and if all goes well I'll think about it again. I saw him over the chrismas and he's even bigger, my heart ached for him because he does not HAVE to live life that way and it pains him. But he's still refusing the referral and says "I was born with all my bits and I'll die with all my bits in tack". What could I say. I fought the urge to become what could surely be considered as self righteous.

It's a tough one, since my op I've see big folks and been left feeling like "If only they knew, it could change their life", but each of our paths are different and nothing happens before it's time for any of us.

Had I been approached 2 or 3 years ago, I would have been insulted to my core and may well have cursed the person out in a heart beat! Back home in my private space, I would have looked into it, cried and stuffed my face some more at the hopeless situation.

I applaud you for saying something to her, I dont keep my surgery a secret and hope that "someone" might approach me to ask about it, but I don't know that I woukld approach a stranger unsolicted.

Don't beat yourself up about it though, your intentions were pure.

 

[dawny]

i rarely go out, as i am disabled, but if i did go out shopping etc a lot, id be tempted to have some little cards made with the wls addy on it, and give it to ppl who i thought might benefit from support and advice from us lot on here, and just say, please log onto that site if you can when you get home. they would have the option to either do it or chuck it away. i dont know if this is a good idea or not, but i was just thinking about it as i was reading what everyone had written. what do u all think. hugs xx

 

[cherry]

oooo god dawny.... im not sure im really not, in this day an age, people are so ruthless, and nasty!!! you could approach a bad egg! so to speak, and all good intentions could be taken so very wrong, if it was me, im afraid, i wouldnt, but i would willingly give info on wls, if and when it was the right time, or willingly taken by the other person.... xx

 

[dawny]

i know what you mean kelly, it was just a thought, we all want to help ppl, but its such a hard disicion(sp?) to make isnt it. if more ppl were aware of this site, they dont have to have surgery, but whatever they decided to do, they would have support and advice, its just letting ppl know about us. i think id actually be too shy and nervous to approach anybody anyway, even though id like to. bit of a minefield aint it. hugs xx

 

[DietingDeb]

This is a very hard situation and for many of these people it is not a fear of surgery it is a fear of 'if food is taken away from me what can I depend on then ?' I am only 3 weeks pre-op and really struggling with my relationship with food. This is the fear for many people, food was my best friend, it never judged you and would always make you feel better to get rid of something you have loved all your life is hard work and a constant battle. I am finding it really strange right now so I do understand where these people who don't want surgery are coming from but on the other hand that conversation might save that womans life. Ok people have a fear of surgery but I had a bigger fear of dropping dead of a stroke or heart attack before I reached 30 - it takes people time to understand just how bad things can get before the do anything about it x

 

[blueeyes]

Most interesting thread!!

I can understand why you approached the lady, but if I put myself in her shoes, I would probably have told you to mind your own business and found you quite rude. As someone said earlier, you couldn't have known what her personal situation was, and how she felt about her weight. Up until I knew someone personally who had had this surgery, I would have NEVER in a million years considered it. And if someone had suggested it to me, I would have found them rude and it would have upset me. This is of course because I was very ignorant at the time about WLS.

Who knows what the lady thought, it may have helped her, maybe she will go on to research WLS and she will understand why you approached her. You only had the very best intentions after all.

This reminded me of an incident many years ago. I shared a flat with a friend and our (thin) landlord came to the flat once, to repair something or other, and on his coat there was a badge pinned to it, that said 'I've lost 100 lbs - ask me how!'. I don't know if he'd always wear it or if he's worn it knowing he would come see me, and maybe he wanted to help, without being too intrusive? That way he signaled to me that he was happy to talk to me about losing weight, but only if I wanted to and made the first move. I didn't ask. But in hindsight, I think that's a great idea (the badge thing).

Being newly post op and already seeing the benefits of this surgery, I too want to tell everyone and anyone that will listen! It's only natural. I've struggled with weight for a loooooong time and had pretty much given up. I was going to be fat and die young and fat. Fact! Now that I have the opportunity, a REAL opportunity, to do something about it.. I mean it absolutely blows my mind. I still can't believe it and it still has not sunken in 100%. But it is truly a very personal decision. Some people may very well be quite happy in their skin (I wasn't miserable before) and okay with their life as it is. All we can do is offer to speak about our own experience. And we are doing so by maintaining this wonderful forum which is available to anyone

 

[lotsabeefy]

I think that once those of us who have been REALLY big get to a "normal" size its hard for anyone who didn't know us to visualise how big we were.
Therefore unless we walk round with pictures of ourselves big, its never gonna be taken well.
Its just my theory but if someone came up to me who was relatively normal sized, when i was big and said that this was the way to go I would never believe them and assume they were taking the Mick.
I had so much crap when i was fat i assumed everyone was having a laugh at my expense, I'm sure i'm not the only one who felt like thi xx

 

[angie790]

Well, one thing is for sure, there are going to be some wildy varying responses to this post! Personally, I think it was a terribly patronising and unforgivable thing to do. If you had approached me when I was at my fattest, apart from that fact I may well have decked you, you would have done me untold psychological damage, and would have probably ensured I ended up completely agoraphobic.

I know most of us who have had WLS (including me), feel it has saved us, given us a chance at a new life, given us our health back, etc etc etc. But one thing I do know, it's that unsolicited advice is never appreciated, and while you can lead a horse to water, to you can't make it drink.

You know nothing about this woman. Surely you must remember how self-conscious you used to feel at your heaviest when you went out? Like someone else said, this lady may not be bothered about her weight and/or she may not have immediate health issues concerning her weight. She could have already been on a diet & done really well to date. She may have already considered WLS...she could be on a waiting list when you spoke to her...whatever her circumstances, what she didn't need was a reformed fatty walking up to her whilst she was minding her own business & broaching the subject of WLS, despite understanding totally why you did it, and that you did it with the best of intentions.

That said, you obviously feel passionate about how life-changing this WLS has been for you, so why not try to channel that passion where it's wanted & needed? There must be local WLS support groups where could offer to talk: BOSPA, the hospital where your surgery was performed, or support groups for people waiting for surgery? You personal experiences would be appreciated and wanted, and you could wax lyrical with free reign about how you feel about WLS in a safer environment!

 

[lotsabeefy]

I think Tyra, deserves some Kudos for being honest and open

 

[Sambucca]

This is a very interesting thread, and I can see both sides of the argument.

I think most of us that have had WLS,or want WLS, have to reach a very low point, almost desperation before facing up to the fact that we cant do this on our own.

If someone had told me in my pre op days that I should consider WLS I would have been mortified as Im a delicate flower anyway, but I would also have probably gone home and googled it once I had pulled myself together. This is the only reason I would not actively go and "preach" about WLS to others. I feel that people that want it/need it will find it in the end. However, there have been times when out and about shopping where I have "wanted" to tell people about WLS. I want to go up to people and say "this time last year I was the same size as you or bigger", but the last thing I would ever want to do is upset someone.

If someone knows I have had WLS though and wants to talk to me about it then I can talk for England. My cousin LauraB approached me at a family party in July as it was the first time I'd seen her in a while and Id obviously lost a lot of weight since Id last seen her. Because she approached me, and because we are related I was happy to speak frankly about it, the good and the bad. She's now on the waiting list for her own bypass. We come from a family of big women, and she has a sister who is a similar size to her, who has said that she wouldnt consider WLS and so I wouldnt consider trying to persuade her. If she ever changes her mind though I will be first in line to show how successful it can be.

My job as a debt adviser is another delicate subject. People dont like to talk about money problems any more than they like to talk about weight problems. I have helped friends when they have asked for my help, and I know of friends who are struggling financially who have not asked for my help. If they want me to help, then they should ask me. Its a very private matter.

Blimey Ive gone on a bit, but I hope I havent upset anyone with my reply.

I think Tyra was extremely brave posting this thread, and she was obviously unsure whether she did the right thing as the title of the thread says she did a bad thing. I dont think it was a bad thing, I think it was very well meaning and brave. Just hope the lady in question felt the same.

 

[angelajoy1961]

Tyra I think you need to channel your passion about WLS in a direction that will not end up in you getting abused or hurt either verbally or physically which I think you risked by approaching this lady. The idea of a organising a support group or similar is excellent.

Our weight is such a sensitive subject, but it's so hard to stand back when you feel you could really help someone.

 

[Karlos]

You've got guts Tyra I'll give you that I've often thought about approaching huge people to tell them about my surgery and how it could help them but I've never actually done it

My reason is simply this, its none of my business. I don't know these people nor their opinion of their life at their current weight. They might be totally comfortable with their size, might have a condition that precludes them from WLS, or might simply be going through the system already, either way their size is their business not mine

I doubt with the publicity surrounding WLS that either they haven't heard and thought about it, or that their doctors haven't discussed it with them. So they don't need some random thin person (In their eyes I mean) spouting off about how they don't have to be a huge person

Just my two bobs worth and not worth a can of beans

 

[phatmomma]

Tyra before i answer i want to tell you that you are a truly awesome and inspiring weight loss surgery advocate...

Personally though, i think what you did was awful and i thank the lord nobody ever did that to me!

All of us on this site are here because we were either unhappy with our weight or unhealthy with it, or even both reasons. Not everybody hates being fat! I'm sorry if you don't believe me but it's true. I have friends who are large and are happy in the skin they're in, they may not be happy with their fitness/life energy but they love the bodies they are in. I also have friends who have had the surgery and spoken to me about my surgery beforehand...

As much as i would love to preach the good news about wls it is definitely not our place to approach complete strangers and tell them about it...

That is just my personal point of view, based on the fact that as a fat person people drawing attention to my size would actually make me want to curl up and die! And that would just be family n friends, god knows how i'd feel if it was a stranger...

But as i say you are a inspiration, i hope you continue to share your knowledge with people who want to learn the way to a healthier better life xx

 

[Tyraboots]

Thanks girls for your replies. I did actually give her this website address. But she was so laboured, her breathing and walking she really did look like she was dying. I was holding her hand while I was talking to her, she wasn't pulling away or anything. I also got the impression from her partner that he wanted me to have this conversation with her.
I guarantee, I felt worse than she did after it, but I felt so compelled not to pass her by.
I personally have found all the changes I have made in life about many things, not we ight related have come on the back of hard ridden lessons and experiences. And I am sure there are more to come.
She did mention she couldn't afford the surgery, and was surprised when I said I had the surgery on the NHS. So maybe she will investigate it at some point.
All power to her, and if she ever finds herself I send all m y love to her.