Feeling upset even though know it's silly

[LisaG]

Hi all,

This may sound silly as I know I'm being stupid but my grandmother is really getting me down at the moment. She's always been completely obsessed by weight and I've had constant critisism for years about mine (as has my poor mum who has never weighed more than 11 stone!). She believes weight is everything and often tells me things such as 'if i don't loose weight my boyfriend will leave me and find someone better' or 'I won't be pretty until I'm slim' or that 'it's a shame I'm so ugly when my sister and cousins are so beautiful and slim'. She also constantly critisises life choices such as my job and where I live.

Anyway, since the operation she's taken a big interest in me and rings me several times a week to ask how I am and to tell me how proud she is that I've done this. This obviously felt nice at first (seeing as she hasn't rung me or been to visit me in over 5 years) but now that 'I'm better' and going back to work next week she's started telling me how disappointed she is that I haven't lost more weight. I lost 2 stone on 4 weeks pre op and about 1 stone 10 this month. She thinks that is terrible and keeps telling me I'm obviously not doing it right and must be cheating by eating loads of cakes and sweets. She actually thinks that I just shouldn't eat ANY food for a few months and then I'll be fine. She also keeps referring to the way I eat now as a 'diet' which I hate (for some strange reason ). She thinks that the op is a real quick fix as she expected me to be 'slim already' by now!

I know it's silly to get down about it but I just don't know how to handle it anymore and just can't get her to understand. I would really like some advice on what to say or do. My grandmother is 79, is physically fit, has never been overweight but has suffered from her own depressions (and possible Munchausen's Syndrome) for years.

Any advice out there??? :cry:

 

[POPPET]

Hi Lisa,
not got any advice really-but a saying comes to mind-

""you can choose your friends but not your relatives""-lol

I think you are doing great & don't really need to try & get her to understand 'cos some things just aren't possible!!!

 

[liannos]

my Gran used to be like that used to do my head in so i stop seeing her just say to her you did this op for your self not her, tell her if she has nothing nice to say dont say any thing at all be like her tell her what you think i did in the end and she stopped it

 

[LisaG]

Thanks Poppet...I should be used to this after all the years and part of me thinks I should have just given up trying to please her years ago but for some reason I just can't. Goodness knows why!

 

[LisaG]

Thanks Lianne, I think you're very strong and brave to do that. I have tried in the past but just can't do it...I have this need to please her and I just don't understand why. My mum is the same too and my nan just totally takes advantage of her. It's really sad.

 

[12dobidog]

You sure shes not just going a bit batty. y nan was like this for years and would also lash out with her walking stick. One day I had enough, sat her down, told her a few home truths and when she raised her stick I took it of her and put it in the fire. I know it sounds harsh but we got on well until she died at 85 some years later
Might be worth having a heart to heart with her

 

[LisaG]

Wow...that's really brave Bryan. You're probably right that I should have it out with her - I just feel she never really listens. However, she does listen to my boyfriend. He used to work for the NHS (as a speech therapist) and she thinks that makes him the source of all knowledge and often calls him a 'doctor'. Maybe he could have a word first...or at least be there with me. She critisises me much less when he's around. Thanks B

 

[gaelic girl]

Its tough enough to deal with when its strangers but when its your own family it becomes even more difficult as you wrestle with what you should be doing/saying as opposed to what you actually do/say. My mum is 82 and i mean this in the nicest possible way but her generation are very set in their ways and what was right in their days they feel should still be right in the 21st century! My mum has very antiquated ideas on various subjects and we clash quite a bit at times! Your Gran sounds bit like my mum they think they know most things but in actual fact they are still back in "their days! and won't accept that we have moved on dramatically in lots of ways. If you can be quite firm with her, get her to research as much info on your surgery and then tell her you will be happy to talk to her on the subject and how her comments make you feel! Easier said than done i know just take it step by step and hopefully she will realise how much she is upsetting you xx

 

[Sambucca]

Hi Lisa,

Sorry your gran is being like this with you. Your weight loss so far is fab, so the only thing I can suggest when she knocks you about your weight next time is that your medical team are very happy with your results, and that you are following the rules and the weight will come off at the appropriate speed.

Lets face it, we didnt get fat overnight and so we are not going to get thin overnight. I think some people who are not in the position where they are having to consider bariatric surgery themselves either think that we are cheating, or that the weight will simply fall off with no effort on our part.

Stay strong hun. You are doing just fab x

 

[RoseA]

I have had similar issues with my mother my entire life. Like your nan, she also has a history of depression, and I'm wondering it that's the real issue and therefore it's not really about you ?

Depressive people can be very irrational, it's part of their depression, but the person themselves is very likely not aware of it themselves, let alone the impact it has on others. I have suffered from the brunt of my mother's mental depression my entire life. It has hurt (and continues to hurt) me deeply but I've come to learn that there's nothing I can do to change it. I filter what I tell her, I try and turn my back when I know she's being irrational. I can never forget some of the things she's said and done to me however. It doesn't get better but I've learned to live with it.

Rose

 

[Neen]

I don't think there's much I can suggest. Some people (relatives included / especially) can and will not change.
I would take what she says with a pinch of salt to be honest. It seems like you will never get approval..I expect she is just as critical to other relatives to their faces.
This kind of narrow minded attitude is exhausting and is only going to drag you down. If anyone else was saying it to you (eg not a relation) what would you say to them do you think? Would you even bother speaking?
I would try and limit contact if all you get is put down and unhelpful critism! The "advice" she's dealing is so obviously wrong and dangerous and downright ridiculous!
I'm not being rude or anything because I have had a similar sort of attitude in the past from a close relative of mine.
Best advice I can give is accept she's too set in her ways (seriously can she be that happy if she lives by such crazy ideals???) and do what's right for you.
Love from our families should be unconditional...and certainly not based on how much you weigh for heavens sake!!!
Family or not we have to limit negative people's influence on us...surround yourself with friends and relatives who make you feel good, valued and respected , no matter how you look xxxx Big hugs xxxx

 

[J-Mo]

Ur thread makes me sad & brings back very bad memories for me. My mam was a b*tch to me & off loaded her weight/food obsession onto me. Only she was less that 6stone when she died so I'm the other end of the spectrum!! Just my luck

I arrived at her house minus make-up & she said "just 'cos u fat doesn't mean u have to let urself go"!! My kids were 2mnths & 16mnths old at the time so make-up was least of my priorities....

Sit ur nana down & tell her that unless she cant say anything nice to u then she shldnt speak to u!!

But u are doing fab with ur weight loss so keep positive!!
:happy096:

 

[dottychic]

This makes me really sad, I have had family issues for years and I know how they can get you down. In the end I just had to cut myself off from them all. It was really hard at first, I was heartbroken but I am so much better for doing it. They dragged me down and made me feel even worse about myself than I already did. Maybe its time to bite the bullet and distance yourself, easier said than done I know. I feel for you hun (HUGS) X

 

[Katastrophe]

Not sure what to say that hasn't already been said Lisa.

In life some people are just never happy unless they're complaining or putting others down - this is usually because they're unhappy and has more to do with them than it has to do with you. I can understand you want to please your grandmother but i do think you should try to let her comments go over your head. She obviously takes advantage of yours and your mums good nature and maybe a little dose of her own medicine might do her ( and you ) some good?

 

[ladylite]

You are going to hate me for this but from the outside your gran is nothing but a bully, and you know what they say about bullies. Unless you stand up to them they will keep doing it.

I agree with Sam tell her that you dont want to discuss it with her as you are under specialists who know exactly what you should be doing and they are very very pleased with your progress, they also dont wont you to lose too much weight too quickly. You could also tell her that one of your consultant is a phsycotherapist (sp) and suggested that you dont discuss it.

Sorry to say the above but as has been said it is hard enough taking this journey without the added stress from family. I guarantee you will definately feel better afterwards, it is just that initial confrontation.

Anyway thats just my opinion from the outside and having experience of bullying, you dont really realise it is happening to you at the time.

I hope you sort it out to your satisfaction, cheer up you have done so well.

 

[LisaG]

Thank you everyone for your very honest and heartfelt replies. There is a common theme in all your advice and I think it is clear that I need to be honest and speak to her about how it makes me feel...just need to pluck up the courage to do it now.

I really appriciate all your comments and the additional touches of your own similar stories. Thanks again to all of you xx

 

[jaxx]

Lisa my gran was exactly the same. But the difference was she'd tell me I'm fat, then give me a packet of crisps and a bar of chocolate! lol She tried to bribe me to lose weight on many occasions and I just ignored it and chose to do something about my weight when I was ready. Unfortuntely she died in 2004 before I had my op so she hasn't seen the positive effects of my surgery but I'm sure she'd be happy that I've done something.

Your gran seems to be a bit obsessed about your weight and in an unhealthy way. Mention to her that your specialists (use that word as well, it will emphasise that they know what they're doing) are more than happy with your rate of weight loss and also mention that if you lost weight too quickly, it would be harmful to your health and your heart. Maybe print off some statistics around weight loss after surgery and take it with you when you see her to back up what you're saying.

I would tell her that you don't care what she thinks regarding your weight loss, you, your doctors and the rest of your family is more than happy and maybe she'll see she's being unreasonable.

 

[LisaG]

Thanks Jaxx...I think statistics would be good to bring. She may not take much notice whilst I'm there but at least I can leave them with her for her to look at when she's ready.