Issues with food

[sophiapink100]

Hey guys

For anyone that doesn't know my story I had a sleeve in July 2014. Prior to the pre op diet I weighed 30st and 3lbs. I am now down to 18st.

This is amazing, however with the loss of weight I am beginning to scare myself. I have found myself playing with food a lot rather than eating it, moving it around to make people think I've eaten more and the scariest one is I've made myself sick a few times after eating something "naughty". I scared myself massively today. I went to tesco a min ago and I ended up buying some chips for my dinner - not something I ever usually buy it's normally fish and veg for dinner. Anyway I ate some and then felt so disgusted in myself and so sick that I pulled over to make myself sick.

I need to know if anyone else has suffered with these problems? This can't be normal I know that! Some days I'm fine and others I'm obsessed with calories and won't eat more than 800.

 

[los in it]

that sound like an awful place to be ,its weird how weight lose can effect your mind set you think how amazing life will be "if I was a little smaller" people can sometimes swop one issue for another
sounds like you need to get your self some professional support ,talk all this out
I wish I could help more ,I just didn't want to read and run

 

[sophiapink100]

that sound like an awful place to be ,its weird how weight lose can effect your mind set you think how amazing life will be "if I was a little smaller" people can sometimes swop one issue for another sounds like you need to get your self some professional support ,talk all this out I wish I could help more ,I just didn't want to read and run

I'm so frightened of becoming the old me again. Yet at times I do have chocolate or sweets, I always guilt trip myself after though :-(

 

[los in it]

its a very real fear I think some people do have I for one do too.its early days for me im only 6 months post WLS and I have been testing the waters of late by having a small weak g& t most nights cant drink nothing like the amount I use to so i enjoy the drink i have in hand i also have a kid`s bag of haribo sweets all i know i should have and i keep waiting to "dump" on the them as a clear sign of not to do it but i keep thinking to myself "at least its not as bad i it was in the past" im just kidding myself really
i guess i need to give myself a bit of a talking to as well !
i wish you well

 

[Kar8858]

Sophia, your loss has been amazing. I feel that I have been a successful sleever too and often update my diary with my food choice. I still eat chocolate, in fact ive had a kit kat chunky today...but thats alongside my other foods to get the calcium and protein. You are obviously dojng something right to lose the weight, you look healthy amd amazing. Most days i now average 900-1000 cals a day. I too worry about going over this and I count the calories in everything, but its like an obsession and to be honest Im quite happy with it. I dont ever see me doing anything else. As for pushing your food around, if you eat the amounts i do then you will be full after a few bites anyway!
I think weight loss becomes obsessive...
The issue is your vomitting sounds like a bulemic tendency and that is an issue but at least, as ever, you are open enough to come on here to tell us. You need to get a grip of this habit as it can cause a lot of issues.
You can still have certain foods just in small quantities..i have chips, and burgers, sausage rolls, flap jack, but its in small amounts and alongside my new food choices. I have still been losing weight so dont scare yourself that you wont keep losing.
I always think protein..protein and a bit more bleeding protein...this keeps my away from the treats and empty foods as they have No protein!!
I know you will work theough this but keep to you protein and down become afraid of food, enjoy the small amounts and the odd treat during the week....good luck x

 

[kirstyjade]

Hi I don't really have any advice as I'm still pre op but wanted to follow your story as you've done amazing and I'm around the same weight as you was and I'm having my sleeve within the next 8 weeks, I hope I can do as amazing as you have

 

[Yvessa]

Hi hon,
Its a good thing you're very self aware, and I think you probably should also share with your team or gp and ask for some intervention from an eating disorder professional. It is a fine line ironically between obesity and anorexia.

 

[shelleymarie]

Just wanted to say good on you for sharing that here with us. There is so much that goes on post op and not everyone wants to talk about the less pleasant bits. I think it's great that you've become aware of this very quickly and you absolutely should have a chat with your team, and possibly your doctor. Talking is a great way to get over these things and when we keep it in, and to ourselves we feel alone and it gets worse. If you look about my stat's, I look like a success story but I can tell you it's be far from easy and boy have I made life hard for myself along the way. Including starving myself at times, eating too much at times and yes even making myself sick. I don't do it regularly because of guilt of eating something I shouldn't but if I feel the tiny bit too uncomfortable after eating, my fingers go down my throat and I know it's not healthy at all. I've got a lot of issues still and I'm seeing a counsellor about them - maybe something like that would be helpful for you? Maybe it's not just fear of gaining weight again, although that is enough to drive us all a bit mad but maybe now you are losing you are finding the reasons for you weight gain in the first place are rearing their head and you are not sure what to do it? Does the food restriction and vomiting make you feel more in control?

What ever the case, you are doing the right thing by talking, keep talking and remember - you are human, you can not and will not ever be perfect, stop giving yourself such a hard time, you've done something so brave - the surgery and talking about this now, and you've done exceptionally well. Be proud of yourself and be kind to yourself too x

 

[nicola1723]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I am terrified of regaining weight but I've had some Counselling and spoken to my dietitian about this and feel a lot better about things. Also reading posts on here from ladies who've slipped into malnutrition has been a big eye-opener too.

Please do get some help. As Yve said - what you're describing is the early stages of anorexia/bulimia.

 

[sophiapink100]

Wow, I don't even know where to begin with the responses I have had.

First of all, thank you for taking the time and thank you for all of your advice. I appreciate it so much!!

I sat and spoke with a friend about it tonight and decided I do need to consult my clinic. She said that she has noticed my unhealthy obsession with what food I eat etc... But then part of me wonders is that because she's used to the old me that didn't care what I put in my mouth?

I don't think this journey is ever easy. And I think I
will always have problems with food one way or another, but the main thing for me is ensuring it doesn't take over my life for the worse.

Why is it that some days I will eat a square of dark chocolate and that's ok, but other days I do it and then am utterly disgusted.

I also wonder if any of you experience this - when you are eating something, do you feel people watch you and are thinking - "she shouldn't be eating that" that thought goes through my head Everytime I eat in public. In fact I rarely eat in public because of that. I also think people watch me to see how much I eat. Christ I just feel like people are always bloody watching me lol.


Xxx

 

[shelleymarie]

I did yes. I would never eat in public and always thought there were people judging me. A lot of the people I spend time with now haven't seen me as a big person so I'm more comfortable, I got a bit too skinny last year and people were concerned so I actually would eat crap in front of them and then eat nothing for ages afterwards to "make up" for it. Not a healthy way to be. I'm still struggling with it all to be honest, people say now I've put a bit back on I look healthier but to me I'm too big again and I'm always think yeah but what if I put on more!!! perish the thought. You are so right, it's never an easy journey, I don't think I've ever spoken to one person who has had this surgery and they've said - op done, I'm cured of all negative thoughts that surround my body and food. It sounds cliché but it really is a journey with lots of surprises along the way. I do know though, for me, that talking about those fears, problems etc. has been the key to me trying to over come them and staying in touch with your team is an excellent idea. The more support you can get, the more chance you have of getting on top of these thoughts, also something else that helps me is acceptance of them - they are there, they are yours, you are not abnormal and I bet for every thought and feeling you've had since your surgery someone on here will identify with it and understand. Knowing you are not alone is very important. Isolation and being stuck in your own head will drive you nuts and you're punishing your self enough. I also do really recommend some sort of counselling, cbt or something like that, it might not be for you but I don't think it would hurt to mention it your GP. At the moment it sounds like you're not happy so trying anything that could give you a chance of being happier can't hurt x

 

[sophiapink100]

I did yes. I would never eat in public and always thought there were people judging me. A lot of the people I spend time with now haven't seen me as a big person so I'm more comfortable, I got a bit too skinny last year and people were concerned so I actually would eat crap in front of them and then eat nothing for ages afterwards to "make up" for it. Not a healthy way to be. I'm still struggling with it all to be honest, people say now I've put a bit back on I look healthier but to me I'm too big again and I'm always think yeah but what if I put on more!!! perish the thought. You are so right, it's never an easy journey, I don't think I've ever spoken to one person who has had this surgery and they've said - op done, I'm cured of all negative thoughts that surround my body and food. It sounds cliché but it really is a journey with lots of surprises along the way. I do know though, for me, that talking about those fears, problems etc. has been the key to me trying to over come them and staying in touch with your team is an excellent idea. The more support you can get, the more chance you have of getting on top of these thoughts, also something else that helps me is acceptance of them - they are there, they are yours, you are not abnormal and I bet for every thought and feeling you've had since your surgery someone on here will identify with it and understand. Knowing you are not alone is very important. Isolation and being stuck in your own head will drive you nuts and you're punishing your self enough. I also do really recommend some sort of counselling, cbt or something like that, it might not be for you but I don't think it would hurt to mention it your GP. At the moment it sounds like you're not happy so trying anything that could give you a chance of being happier can't hurt x

That's the thing I am happy that's why I don't understand why these issues are creeping up. I'm happier than I've ever been. And if I lost no more weight at a size 18 I would be happier. My goal size when I got the op was to be a 14-16 to me at 5ft 9 that's always been my ideal weight. So it's not even like j want to be tiny. This is why these thoughts are confusing my brain. Arghh lol.

I'm so glad you understand! X

 

[Yvessa]

Remember that anorexia / bulimia is more about control than unhappiness. You may not be unhappy but a lot in your life may be changing and that can cause concern and some distress.

 

[shelleymarie]

Ah yes by unhappy I didn't mean in the depressed way, I meant uneasy, not content, concerning thoughts. These thoughts don't feel quite right and without them you would feel more at ease. I agree with Yve that a lot of this stuff is often about control or lack of it, or even quieting the noise in our heads. It can be confusing and sometimes we need a professional to give us some feedback on what's actually going on.