Marriage/Relationships and outlook

[wobbles]

Hi everyone. Have been thinking a fair bit over the last week about some things including my relationship with my husband.

I have used my weight to hide behind my entire life. I have never enjoyed getting attention from men, and have always shyed away from flirting and anything of the sort. Partly because i have always been self conscious, but also because i've always had a bad feeling about that sort of thing (due to possible abuse as a child).

When i was 26, i weighed around 110kgs, and felt great. I left the relationship i was in to come over here to England. I had no intentions of meeting someone new, and wanted to have some fun. However, despite my intentions, i met my husband a week after i arrived in the UK. We've been together ever since. I was pregnant 6 months later, and we got married last year in Aus. Our son was born in August last year.

Anyway....

My relationship with my husband isn't a bad one, it's just not all that great either. We're nowhere near as close as we used to be before our son was born, our sex life is non existant (due to my depression, among other things), and i currently feel nothing for him (hard to admit).

I have heard that there have been a lot of divorces post bypass, and i'm concerned. Partly because i find myself thinking about other men, and wishing i was single so that when i am thin and fit, i can appreciate attention from men, and be free to have fun.

I guess what i'm saying is, i was fat when i met and married my husband, and am currently, secretly wondering if i could have done better? I hope that makes sense.

I'm wondering how other peoples relationships, not just with their husbands/wives/partners, but also with family and friends after having a bypass especially, but also the band.

Also, your outlook on life. How have your attitudes changed, if at all? Do you see the world differently, do you see people differently? Are you on a journey of self discovery, and have you discovered much?

Anyway, fairly philosophical questions and i look forward to responses.

 

[tammy]

Hi wobbles, my god girl you really are tearing yourself up in strips at the moment. i think alot of what you are describing is part of normal relationships in the sense that over the course of your time together things do change. I know the bypass can make you feel better about yourself which often means that you don't need a crutch as much as you may have done previously.

I think you need to consider that maybe your depression is not under control at this time and that is affecting your relationship. maybe addressing this would make things easier for you to work through in your own head.

i guess the thing you need to ask yourself is do you love him.

i have also heard that seperation and divorce rates are high post op but i guess my view would be who is to say that wouldn't be the case even without WLS.

i hope you can work things out whatever that may be. but you have to do what you feel is right for you. good luck babe x

 

[wobbles]

Thank you Tammy, you're very correct on everything there. I completely agree with you!!

I'm just wondering how everyone else has handled changes within themselves and their relationships, and what changes they have noticed so far.

 

[charliegirl]

I have not been in a relationship for a few years as I have not felt confident enough in myself. I am hoping that the new me will inspire me to get out more and maybe meet someone that I can have fun with, I am not looking to getting married or even living with someone again as I am happy on my own in my own home but it would be nice to have a special someone one day...xx

 

[LancsLass2]

Hi Wobbles, sounds to me that you`re going through what I think most couples go through after they`ve been married or together for a long time. The " honeymoon " period is over and you`ve had a child. I think if u asked every woman ( or man ) on here that has a long term partner, especially with children how often they have sex or even share romantic times I`m sure more than half will admit thats its only on the rare occasion. I for one can admit that. I`ve been with my husband 10 years, married for 31/2 and got 2 young children and we used to be at it like rabbits lol. Now I think we`re both just happy going to sleep. Hope this helps hun, don`t make any rash decisions without thinking it through xxx

 

[j.u.s.t.l.i.z.]

hi
things do change between alot of couples after weight loss, but it doesnt have to be that way, the main reasons people do split after wls, is because the male can some times be very jellous of other male attention towards his wife, ive seen this happen on many occasions and it has resulted in seperation.
ive become alot more out going, and i want to go out more, socialise more, and from that yes i do get more male attention then when i was on the larger side, yes its fun to flirt ect, but if you really want to keep your relationship that should be as far as it goes.
i have completley changed since weight loss and have now found the person i really am, NO im not the liz my hubby married im a completley different person in many aspects, but he has learned to accept and love the new me, and we get on great, he accepts my out look on life is different now, and i want to do things the old liz would never do, im lucky in that way as many men dont like the changes weight loss brings to there partner.


Liz xxx

 

[wobbles]

Thanks LL, i certainly won't be making any decisions anytime soon. I'm more thinking about the future, i do that, probably too often lol. I'm glad to hear that my marriage isn't the only one that isn't as exciting now.

Liz, You make some really good points. You said that you're not the same person your husband married but he has learned to accept and love the new you, but my question is, what happens if after the weight loss, and through the journey, it's YOU who decides that your husband isn't the right one for you, despite his willingness to accept the new you.

Should probably explain something about myself. I'm a very self analytical, and i think far too much. I am very interested in human psychology (am currently doing a uni course in counselling) and i spend a lot of time in my own head (in case you haven't already guessed lol). So being this way, i tend to ask 'bigger' questions and want to know the ins and outs of a chooks bum.

I'm not particularly concerned with my own marriage currently, it's just one of those things i wonder about and think about, and am hoping people will spend some time thinking about their own journey's and feel comfortable sharing with me (us).

 

[j.u.s.t.l.i.z.]

Liz, You make some really good points. You said that you're not the same person your husband married but he has learned to accept and love the new you, but my question is, what happens if after the weight loss, and through the journey, it's YOU who decides that your husband isn't the right one for you, despite his willingness to accept the new you.

then you have to be the honest one to him as your partner, and to the most important person yourself, its no good living a lie as you will become very resentful towards him and thats not good for either party in the relationship. if that happens then its time to move on and live seperate lives. harsh yes but truthfull

x

 

[charliegirl]

Wobbles I do agree you think too much lol....I used to be the same but hopefully have addressed this issue now and think a lot more positively, your in the right place for asking your questions though as between us all on here we have tons of experience of different situations....xx

 

[cazbandy]

I met my fiance when I was at my largest, he saw me go from reasonable health to bad health and knew that this operation would essentially save my life.

I talked it through with him completely, I asked if he had any worries, he had a few like would I love him the same if I was thinner, would I find him attractive but the thing is for me its not about looks, it really isn't.

I used to go for looks but now I want someone who loves me for me, no matter what shape I am and I know he does as he has told me so often. I did this for me, well 90 percent of it for me but 10 percent was for him, so we can have a new life together and do new things.

I am looking forward to being his wife now, I know our future is brighter and I am not looking elsewhere.

I think you only do that if you doubt the relationship in the first place for whatever reasons. Blaming it on one thing is really just an excuse and if you are not happy with someone, you should be good enough and talk it through with them, and then if you don't feel you can go on in that relationship you should go. Its not fair to lie to yourself or them in the long run, and kids should never be a reason to stay married. Stay friends yes, but not married.

I believe you can fall out of love as quickly as you fell in. Sometimes there is not a logical reason, just a sense of not belonging anymore in your heart and only you know what is right for you.

There's no harm is thinking things through, just don't rip yourself up with guilt because you question how you feel. It's natural to go through rough and rocky patches and you are going through so many changes, now I believe is not the time to make any decisions.

I hope you can make you happy...coz at the end of the day....that is all that matters....