Not wls related - seeking parental advice

[BlueDiamond]

Hello all and good afternoon to you all.

I am writing this thread today because I am asking parents for their advice. The tale will let you know as to why.

Last week my daughter went over to her fathers for the weekend, now he bought her home @ the time stated, but when he dropped her off at the door I had been asleep for all of 5 mins (as I was shattered and dont sleep everynite, so catch 40 winks when I can), now he asked to speak to me , and my son told him I was asleep, at this point I just heard the commotion and was half awake when I heard the EX say, get one of the f**kers to come to the door, upon hearing this my OH went to the door and said to my EX don't come to our door effing and blinding we wouldnt do it to you, at this point the EX said your door, I pay for this house, (coz he pays csa, I think he thinks he is entitled to say its his house), Now my partner was absolutely livid at this point, anyway after a few choice words which I cant say on here :sigh: was exchanged, the EX walked off down the path and got into his car, now the whole time my kids saw this confrontation (they are aged 16 & 15 btw) , now my daughter is really upset about wot had transpired yesterday, - Now I have an upset daughter, livin OH and twat of and EX and I honestly feel like the situation could have been avoided if the EX hadnt come to the house and spoke to my OH in the manner in which he did.

Now i know my daughter obviously loves us all , but I am @ a loss as to where to proceed next......the EX isnt welcome to come to the door anymore...........and I just wanted to get some words of wisdom off here .

thanks for listening - all the best - MeJulie

 

[serenitylove]

either tell your ex or get your solicitor to tell your ex that he must wait in his car for children when collecting them and isnt welcome . just remember your kids will not want to hear you or your o.h discussing their dad in a bad way, it could be your ex finds it hard handing his kids back to another man and you. chin up it may have just been a one off

 

[Caroline101061]

I would ask him to refrain from using abusive language infront of your children and in future to phone if he wishes to communicate with you. If he cannot communicate in a civil manner, then he should do it through a third party as you will not tolerate this sort of behaviour. Do you think he was drinking at the time?

 

[tpt]

Lots and lots of emotions flying around....be the mum, the grown up. Sit them all down and explain to them without drama that even though you guys are adults, there is still a lot of emotion and anger flying around, and that all stems from love (and adults are, at times, no better at dealing with feelings than teenagers)

Calmly tell your ex that you will not deal with him if he is going to be abusive or emotional or angry and that until he can display more respect and dignity that you would appreciate it if he could wait in the car.

Tell your lovely kids that while you cannot control or change what has happened already, you can change how things go in the future, and include them in the decision making process..they are old enough to have a voice and a right to have a say in relationships that effect them.

You are doing a great job. Just keep calm and unflappable when all else are reacting and your calmess will rub off.

Bets of luck and I hope it resolves itself soon.

 

[Mazza]

I agree with Serenity

What ever you decide between you - you and your ex, try and keep the kids out of any discussions you and your OH have about your ex.

These situations are never pleasant but Im sure you will be able to arrange something in a few days when things will hopefully have calmed down a bit.

Take care

Maz x

 

[Red 42]

some good advice there already Julie...just sending you :gen126: to help you through xx

 

[Fashionably Late]

Lots and lots of emotions flying around....be the mum, the grown up. Sit them all down and explain to them without drama that even though you guys are adults, there is still a lot of emotion and anger flying around, and that all stems from love (and adults are at time no better at dealing with feelings than teenagers)

Calmly tell your ex that you will not deal with him if he is going to be abusive or emotional or angry and that until he can display more respect and dignity that you would appreciate it if he could wait in the car.

Tell your lovely kids that while you cannot control or change what has happened already, you can change how things go in the future, and include them in the decision making process..they are old enough to have a voice and a right to have a say in relationships that effect them.

You are doign a great job. Just kep calm and unflappable when all else are reacting and your calmess will rub off.

Bets of luck and I hope it reslolves itself soon.

This is exactly what I would do (and have done). Your kids are old enough to discuss this with. I wish my daughter was because I have to deprogramme her every time she comes back from her dad's.

 

[SarahSez]

Lots and lots of emotions flying around....be the mum, the grown up. Sit them all down and explain to them without drama that even though you guys are adults, there is still a lot of emotion and anger flying around, and that all stems from love (and adults are at time no better at dealing with feelings than teenagers)

Calmly tell your ex that you will not deal with him if he is going to be abusive or emotional or angry and that until he can display more respect and dignity that you would appreciate it if he could wait in the car.

Tell your lovely kids that while you cannot control or change what has happened already, you can change how things go in the future, and include them in the decision making process..they are old enough to have a voice and a right to have a say in relationships that effect them.

You are doign a great job. Just kep calm and unflappable when all else are reacting and your calmess will rub off.

Bets of luck and I hope it reslolves itself soon.

You took the words right out of my mouth ... and probably wrote them better for me!

Hope everything turns out ok for you and your children

 

[BlueDiamond]

TY e1 4 ur advice. some of the advice I can relate but its difficult when OH still furious and EX still being a twat........just cannot fathom as to why he spoke to us the way he did.......

all the best - mejulie

 

[Mazza]

TY e1 4 ur advice. some of the advice I can relate but its difficult when OH still furious and EX still being a twat........just cannot fathom as to why he spoke to us the way he did.......

all the best - mejulie

We could spend a lifetime trying to fathom out why men do or say the things they do honey.

Hope you sort things out soon x

 

[tpt]

Because he is human, and like most people, cannot verbalise how he is feeling so he reacts instead. Because I suspect he has a whole heap of 'replacement' issues going on (bear in mind I know nothing of your circumstances). Whatever the reason you are not together, they are his children, you are his ex-partner, it is his old home and now someone else is filling his shoes. Right or wrong, he has been replaced and he cannot justify it in his mind.

See past the behaviour and look at the reasons WHY he is behaving like that. Once you can do that, you will be able to understand the situation. It seems unlikely that he will be able to orate how he feels...

You need to tell both the men in your life to stop chest puffing like gladiating peacocks and sit down reasonably and talk about how best to move on.


Like I said, be the grown up and tell them how you expect them to behave.

 

[BlueDiamond]

Hello and thanks for your advice.

This house I am now living in the ex has never lived here at all. and I stopped being his ex partner over 13 years ago and he has had several relationships since then and is now the a current partner who he has been with for several years so that part I cannot understand. At the end of the day I always say I talk to ppl in the manner I would expect to be spoken to. I thought another man taking on his children and bringing them up properly and seeing the children flourish would speak volumes in itself, hence dont bite the hand that feeds you, and when another man stands in your face and calls you names and questions the manner in which its provided it isnt nice at all. My OH did not do anything to warrant us being called names etc, and I am not going to tolerate it . But I do appreciate your words and will take on board what you have said.

Thanks once again -MeJulie

Because he is human, and like most people, cannot verbalise how he is feeling so he reacts instead. Because I suspect he has a whole heap of 'replacement' issues going on (bear in mind I know nothing of your circumstances). Whatever the reason you are not together, they are his children, you are his ex-partner, it is his old home and now someone else is filling his shoes. Right or wrong, he has been replaced and he cannot justify it in his mind.

See past the behaviour and look at the reasons WHY he is behaving like that. Once you can do that, you will be able to understand the situation. It seems unlikely that he will be able to orate how he feels...

You need to tell both the men in your life to stop chest puffing like gladiating peacocks and sit down reasonably and talk about how best to move on.


Like I said, be the grown up and tell them how you expect them to behave.

 

[phatmomma]

Lots of sound advice. Having an ex myself who can use expletives when he feels the need i can relate to you.

Okay he sees another man taking on his children and may have some resentment issues but that does not permit him to talk to people in this manner. As soon as he swore in front of your children and was antagonistic to your OH he lost any respect he deserved from you.

If it helps my kids are 10 & 12 i split with their dad 4 yrs ago and it was a very nasty emotionaly split for which my older child still suffers after effects (bed wetting nearly every night since Jan 2005). At first i did the rowing thing but realised that all it did was help my rage it did nothing for the kids to witness this behaviour.

I would say to the kids that daddy was having a bad day and acted inappropriately. As much as you wont forgive and forget sit with your kids and talk about what happened, explain it the best you can and try not to paint your ex too badly but they need to understand he cant come bawling and shouting at your doorstep. As someone said earlier you need to tell your ex that if he has issues to discuss he needs to text or call so you can be ready to discuss things with him.

As for collecting and bringing the kids can you meet at a local macdonalds?

Is your ex still in love with you? Is he struggling now you are happy?

Like i say i know where your coming from and hope it gets resolved for all of you.

 

[thinkbethin]

I agree with Serenity

What ever you decide between you - you and your ex, try and keep the kids out of any discussions you and your OH have about your ex.

These situations are never pleasant but Im sure you will be able to arrange something in a few days when things will hopefully have calmed down a bit.

Take care

Maz x

I totally agree with this too!!