Sam's Musings

[SAM55]

Well another 2lb gain this week. No chocolate though

2 hours of form filling and the physical health part is done. Go back on Wednesday and do the mental health part (and miss hydro ). It was exhausting and depressing.

Final days of charity have been incredibly stressful and the CEO has left lots of messes for us Trustees to sort out.

New appointment for dietitian has come through, and they have sent a 9am one. Which bit of do not send me early appointments and please make a note on the system of it and check where i live do they not understand????? I am NOT getting up at 5AM to get there!!!

 

[FeeBee]

Oh dear, I'm not surprised you're cross. Has life improved any?

 

[SAM55]

Glad you asked @FeeBee as have just come onto to my diary to have a rant. Not with the hospital - NO!!

Had telephone appointment with Sleep Clinic today about my CPAP machine. This is the appointment they told me 3 weeks ago they told me I had to have (after all the faff and phone calls I have been having since January before I could get a face to face appointment). It started by them doing the standard questionnaire which I stopped them very quickly from doing (done this before) to tell them why I was having this appointment (she knew nothing about me or my surgery and hadn't checked the notes before she rung me), and them telling me I couldn't have a face to face. The woman told me that if I had asked for a face to face then I should have been offered one. Apparently they keep a number of flexi appointments for people who are having problems! I then asked if I could have one and she said there were none until the week after next as 'M' was away next week and fully booked the rest of this one. I said I was away the week after next so therefore could I have one the week I was back? No, I had to wait until I was back and then ring for one as that was how the system worked. By this time I was getting somewhat frustrated (sleep deprivation does that to me!) and I started getting cross as I said does that mean I would have to wait ages for one, and that I had been struggling since January! Fortunately 'M' happened to be sitting next to her so he took over the phone and I was able to explain to him what the problem was and to tell him what had been tried up to now with no success. As I am still snoring (I have been recording myself) he believes I still have SA. He then gave me another number to ring which was the phone in his office so that he wouldn't be overheard offering me an appointment - bless him. I now have an appointment for the Tuesday after I return. I really feel sorry now for the people I am going to be sharing a dormitory with whilst I am away. Need to stock up on ear plugs for them.

Yesterday wasn't much better as I had a call from my GP surgery to tell me that my blood test was unviable. It took ages to establish which test they were talking about as I have had a lot recently, and it turned out to be the second Vit C I had last week that I had to go to my 'local by comparison to WLS hospital) to have as it needs to go straight to the lab. This is the second time that this has happened, was first told this after my January one, and then told it had got lost. I wanted to know why it was unviable again, and moaned about this happening twice, and that it was a faff to have to keep having to go to the hospital to get it done. She went off to check, and then came back to say that the reason for it being unviable is because they didn't have the equipment to test it, but they had it in now and she could make me an appointment to have it redone. I explained that it was not possible to make an appointment at the path lab, and it was a drop-in. She said she would make me one at the surgery and I had to explain to her bloods for Vit C cannot be taken at surgery as they have to go straight to the lab within minutes because they are light sensitive...

I feel like I am going round and round in circles talking to people who don't know their jobs, and if it wasn't for the fact that I am pretty clued up and take note of what my GP tells me and ask questions, I am or at risk of, taking up appointment slots that could be better used by others or making wasted journeys, wasting their time and mine!!

Also had someone out to help me complete more of my form today, so that didn't improve my mood either. It still isn't fully written up yet but hopefully it will be completed by tomorrow and it can go in the post next week (if i have all the evidence by then). Felt even worse when she told me she has a client to had to go to his Universal Credit assessment on one day, and his PIP the next! I was hoping that the system would be more joined up now and then if and when I get a PIP transition assessment later this year, they would take into account first what has transpired from this one.

I do now have though a new appointment with dietitian for end of May at the more civilised time of 11am.

Up until this afternoon I had been much more aware of and in control of what has been going into my mouth. More protein, smaller portions and less Options hot chocs, but was so hungry this evening as I had got held up and had a late dinner I have been a bit of a pig!

Think it is time for bed now... ZZzzzz

 

[FeeBee]

In not surprised you're totally fed up, that's all ridiculously complicated and if you weren't paying attention God knows how much longer sorting this would take.
I'm clinging to the vain hope you had a better night at the very least!

 

[SAM55]

Well, considerable stress got the better of me today and I ate a whole bar of Lindt with Sea Salt chocolate. At least it was dark chocolate and I ate it before I had pigged out on many other things first, and then still needed the chocolate. I really wanted hot cross buns but I am still resisting them by telling myself that a pack of four is too many... I may allow myself one on Good Friday if I can find a cafe whilst I am away that will only serve me one, or I can share the rest of the pack with fellow travellers.

Clothes are still getting extremely baggy, so will be interesting to see what the scales say tomorrow morning

 

[SAM55]

A 5lb loss this week!!!

No wonder I thought my face looked haggard in the mirror last night...

The dreaded form is also completed Now it is playing the waiting game

Saw some lovely cropped jeans in various colours with zipped pockets in Asda. Going to treat myself when I get back from hols.

 

[countrywench]

Well done Sam ! That's brilliant .. awesome lady

 

[FeeBee]

That's brilliant @SAM55 and between the loss and getting the bloody form done I'd definitely say new cropped jeans are in order x

 

[Penelope]

Thinking of you and hope things are going well

 

[SAM55]

Well two week's on holiday and I haven't managed to put anything on which is a miracle given what I have been eating! Did get some exercise in and there were also a lot of stairs. Only a minimal loss of 0.2 of kg, but given at various points I have consumed (not in major amounts) some chocolate, some butter, some full fat milk, some cream, battered fish, and probably more carbs than I should, I think that is some result

Lovely time and a break from all the stresses of previous weeks which has been good for me so hopefully I can face them a bit better now I am back (because they are all still here!!) The dreaded form has gone off, and the charity closing procedure is dragging on................... Have signed up to an 8 week Mindfulness Meditation course starting on Tuesday called 'Finding Peace in a Frantic World' - I think I need it.

Also meeting a new 'walking buddy' on Friday who will hopefully help me build the confidence to try walking off road on my own, particularly where there is no mobile signal.

Outpatients letter for my knee awaiting me for 15th May, which is a lot earlier than I expected.

Just need the weather to warm up a bit more here in the frozen north, so I can go and buy some summer clothes

 

[FeeBee]

Finding Peace In A Frantic World was how I discovered mindfulness a few years ago. I found the book life changing to be honest. It made a huge difference to how I was able to engage with my rehab after the brain haemorrhage and just in general how I face the world and relate to myself. I really hope you find it as helpful. Is it following the book or doing it as part of a group? Good luck!

 

[SAM55]

Finding Peace In A Frantic World was how I discovered mindfulness a few years ago. I found the book life changing to be honest. It made a huge difference to how I was able to engage with my rehab after the brain haemorrhage and just in general how I face the world and relate to myself. I really hope you find it as helpful. Is it following the book or doing it as part of a group? Good luck!

Good to have a recommendation Fee and I pleased you found it really useful. It is part of a group but we have to buy the book and read the first four chapters before Tuesday. I was in two minds whether to add something else into my diary but as it pinged into my inbox the first day of my holiday from the course leader who I have done some work before with, asking if I knew of anyone who would like the two concessionary places, it seemed like fate, as I had promised myself at Christmas I was going to find a mindfulness group after Easter in the evening when the nights were lighter and the weather better for travelling. I tend to hibernate in the evenings between January and March.

 

[SAM55]

a 2lb loss this week. Which means i have got my food back on track following my hols. Particularly pleased because not a lot of exercise done as I had a filthy virus that put me in bed for two days so missed hydrotherapy. Did manage a short walk yesterday and met my new walking buddy - she seems nice enough so hopefully I can get out to more interesting places.

Also now have a new and different mask for my CPAP machine. Difficult to say whether it is doing its job as my blocked nose and coughing are not helping, but I think it is.

Enjoyed my first Mindfulness session although the cough was a slight problem to me and probably to the others, but didn't want to miss the first session. Have to practice twice a day.

My mood is still very down and I feel life is somewhat out of control, and not how I was hoping to be feeling after my holiday. Hopefully once this cold has gone and my brain starts working again I will feel better when not so overwhelmed with the things i have to do that were going to get done on Wednesday and Thursday when I ended up in bed. Think I might spend some time this weekend doing some de-cluttering, particularly of papers to see if that helps.

 

[FeeBee]

There's lots of good stuff in that post, all the more impressive when you're feeling physically and emotionally a bit low. Well done on your loss and for just keeping on going. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is a huge achievement. I'm struggling a bit too so I think I might have an idea how you're feeling. If you're up to decluttering that's a great idea but if not just take care of yourself. Big hugs x

 

[SAM55]

There's lots of good stuff in that post, all the more impressive when you're feeling physically and emotionally a bit low. Well done on your loss and for just keeping on going. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is a huge achievement. I'm struggling a bit too so I think I might have an idea how you're feeling. If you're up to decluttering that's a great idea but if not just take care of yourself. Big hugs x

Thanks Fee. Big hugs for you too. xx

 

[SAM55]

Well, a bit of an emotional roller coaster weekend. Brain is still foggy so haven't done what I planned to, and Saturday night I could have ended it all. Had a good howl after watching Casualty, and spent most of yesterday doing very little other than potter or read. Made myself go to a concert that I usually enjoy, but it didn't do it for me, but knew I needed to be with other people. It did light a very small glow in the fog of one of the things that is causing my despair at the moment, so have taken some action, and that is enough for the moment.

Took myself out today and went clothes shopping as I had been promising myself a trip to Primark - 60 miles return, in the hopes that they may have something that fits. Couldn't be bothered to try everything on and went for a lot of t-shirts in size 20 as another make i am in 18's. All but one are very snug so need to drop a few more pounds. For some reason even though i have lost this week I feel very bloated and clothes that were loose are feeling tighter. Replaced my lost pj's and they fit. Tried on some trousers and couldn't get anything that fitted properly in all the right places. They don't do bootcut jeans and I can't do skinny/straight as my right leg varicose veins are painful when driving in them. They had been a lot better since I was given some cream for them, but have suddenly swelled up again in the latter part of this week, including some new ones, so think I will have to ask new GP for referral as old GP had suggested I got them done before they got any worse and caused me problems later on in life. Had no problems with them when driving 1400 miles around Scotland!!

Then popped into see a friend who was decorating prior to moving to tomorrow. She hasn't seen me in the flesh for a while so of course there were all the comments about how much I have lost and how much better i must be feeling - yawnnnn

Decided I would try Asda for trousers as was feeling very hot as the weather turned very warm in my black jeans so motivated to drive some more. Another 20 miles, with a further 20 miles home and tried on various trousers of various materials, shapes and sizes from 16-20. Again, no boot cut jeans. Ended up with a pair of black stretchy trousers for £6 in a 20 which were nice and comfy and possibly an 18 would fit but they didn't have them. Didn't really want black but that was all they did. They don't have pockets which is annoying for my phone, and they have to be turned up (nothing new there as i am a short arse) but I have to be in the mood to do that!
Ended up online and ordered lots of trousers in different sizes, shapes and colours to try. We better have a warm summer now!!

Had an email from a friend who lives 300 miles away to say her and another were in my area later this week and did i want to meet them for a meal? That cheered me up as it gave me something to look forward to that was nothing related to the current crap in my life.

Energy still low and brain still not up to dealing with the pile of computer stuff that needs to be done but hoping I can cope with a very busy day tomorrow, and feel able to catch up with it on Wednesday...

Can anyone give a reason why even though I have lost 2lb this week my clothes are feeling tighter than they did when I didn't lose anything?? Feeling bloated but not sure what is causing it as food not really any different. Must check the cold medicine I took.

 

[FeeBee]

Big hugs first of all
Clothes sizes make no sense! On Monday I was wearing sizes 10,12 and 16 and they all fitted just right! I know it's easier to say than do but please try not to get too hung up on the labels because it's not worth it. It sounds like you are 'just' bloated. I feel the same if I haven't been to the toilet for a couple of days and if you are struggling with a cold and being under the weather that could have an effect too? I'm so pleased your friends have given you something to look forward too I've had to take holiday from work today to attend a health related forum committee meeting later and I'm trying to convince myself to get on with a pile of paperwork I've been putting off but so far I just seem to be pootling around the forum.....

 

[SAM55]

Big hugs first of all
Clothes sizes make no sense! On Monday I was wearing sizes 10,12 and 16 and they all fitted just right! I know it's easier to say than do but please try not to get too hung up on the labels because it's not worth it. It sounds like you are 'just' bloated. I feel the same if I haven't been to the toilet for a couple of days and if you are struggling with a cold and being under the weather that could have an effect too? I'm so pleased your friends have given you something to look forward too I've had to take holiday from work today to attend a health related forum committee meeting later and I'm trying to convince myself to get on with a pile of paperwork I've been putting off but so far I just seem to be pootling around the forum.....

Thanks Fee. I don't get hung up on the labels from a 'i want to be a particular size', it is the frustration in trying to buy something that fits when you don't want to spend an hour in a changing room (if there is one) where you can only take x number of items in at once, and I cannot abide taking someone else clothes shopping with me. Also made a booboo this week when i saw a pair of cropped combats in an Asda many miles away, that weren't in my more slightly local Asda I visited last week and what I was looking for. I looked at the hanger but didn't check the label (which I usually do), so when I went to try them on at home I couldn't understand why there were so small. The hanger was a 20 the label a 14! Well I suppose there is always next summer It would cost me more in petrol to return then what I paid for them! Had better luck with my online order as I ordered 3 of everything in different sizes, so now have 5 pairs of lightweight trousers in various colours - just need the warm weather now. We have had lots of sun this week but a biting wind.

Definitely some constipation issues now (again!) but have had days this week when I daren't take anything as I am going out. At home tomorrow so will attack the problem. Need to do something as scales say I have put on 3lbs, despite doing a lot of walking plus hydro this week. I thought my cold had gone but have woken up this morning with my glands up, and sore eyes and neck. Supposed to be off to a 70th birthday party so hopefully will feel better in a few hours when the painkillers kick in.

Made a decision to kick into touch some of my voluntary work this week - it was all becoming too stressful, and I should have done it months ago. It was a joint project with a friend, although 'friend' is somewhat of a misnomer at the moment. Lesson learnt!

Still waiting results of ESA assessment - but hoping it doesn't come in today's post

Had a great time Wed night with my friends - dined in a field Actually, it could be the cheese and mushroom pancake that is causing the problem, even though it was just a little one..

I get the paperwork Fee, I have been prevaricating all week, not helped that my laptop has died, as I am so behind having been away, been sick, and now cannot do the work without it.

 

[FeeBee]

I've done the same thing where the hanger and the label haven't matched too. A couple of days it was so warm I bought some thin floaty tops and then today had to get some gloves because the wind was biting here too!
Sounds like lots going on for you as always xx

 

[SAM55]

Well, over 6lb lost this week! There was definitely something funny going on last week with that 3lb gain, as I did a mid week weigh on Wednesday and had dropped 4lb. The bloating has now gone, and all is moving correctly again.

Have come a bit addicted to Aldi's Cashew Crush bars. Cashews and dates only, 12g protein. Gluten free too if anyone is interested in that.

Got the chance to wear my new cropped trousers as the sun actually came out warm. Pack of 2 - one is quite loose and the other is really tight to get on, but comfortable once I can get the waist over my belly Really struggling to find clothes that fit properly at the moment as each item feels tight and loose in all the wrong places. None of my summer shoes fit as I seem to have dropped a couple of sizes and they are slopping all over the place. More expense...

Two hydro sessions and a lovely walk in an SSSI woods, with bluebells, orchids, violets, primroses... It had been on my bucket list. Had to do it part rollator and part poles but couldn't have picked a better day for it.

Having trouble with my back from all this extra activity and have pulled my trapezious muscle. I think i first injured it a few weeks ago, but with feeling more confident with my mobility I have been doing more of the things I couldn't - such as standing up at parties, lifting things, plus have had to water the garden daily, and also hanging lots of washing on the line.

I am feeling better mentally and emotionally now i have handed in my resignation from one of my voluntary jobs, although there are loose ends to tie up, and someone isn't coping with me doing this very well. Also got my laptop back yesterday. Need to rebuild all of my address book this weekend so that isn't going to help my back one jot.

Go to see the knee consultant on Monday - lots of anxieties around this for various reasons.