What to tell my girls?

[Leesh]

Hi,

I have been a long time lurker and have posted a couple of times when I was deciding whether to go ahead with the band or not. Anyway after a very long battle to get the op on the NHS I have decided to go private and am having my op on the 21st of September at BMI hospital in Rochdale.

I am very excited and looking forwards to my new life but I have not discussed any of this with my 11 year old daughters. My close family are very supportive and I am sure my daughters would want to be too but they are little worriers. I don’t want to upset them or even worse to affect their relationship with food as they are at a very difficult time in their lives for young girls and are already conscious of weight issues even though they are both very slim pretty girls.

I was thinking of just telling them I am having a small operation on my tummy and hoping they will accept that as an explanation. I don’t want to be dishonest with them but I also want to protect them. They also don’t see me as a very big person because I am their Mum and they just see me as 'mum' so I think they may not really understand. Has anyone else struggled with what to tell the kids? And what did you tell them in the end? I need to tell them something soon so they can be prepared for when I go into hospital.

Thanks

Leesh

 

[gaelic girl]

Hi Leesh
Firstly welcome to the site you have come to the right place for advice and support there are lots of lovely people on here. Congratulations too on having a date for your op it won't be long now. We are all different when it comes to who we tell indeed IF we tell at all. My daughter was 13 when i had my bypass last year and i was very honest from day one, yes she was frightened and worried but she knew i hated being the size i was and i was partly doing this for her so i could enjoy a better way of life with her and hopefully a longer one. I also told the world i was having surgery and found nothing but positive comments and support all the way. If you feel your girls are able to take it in and be reassured by your comments then i would say be honest and tell them. Good luck with whatever you decide x

 

[Bev]

Hi Leesh and welcome...

I agree with Allie, if I were in your position, I don't think you can beat being as honest, sensible and open with children, but on the back of that... I would also call a 'family meeting' and learn together about healthy eating and lifestyle options, so you could all work together...

Getting the family to adopt healthy eating ideas would also help your journey and could help the girls to avoid excessive weight gain from an early age...

You could work as a team, that is what I have done with my family, sat them down and said... 'A change is coming'... and it's worked so far... so good...

Good luck with whatever you decide to do... it has to be your decision and whatever you are comfortable with...

Take care and good luck with the surgery xxx

 

[emma&alex]

i know its an awful lie, but i told a few work people ive had gallbladder surgery...as its keyhole too, and so many people told me they are very similar.

basically, i work for a nursing agency, and i work somewhere different most days, with people i dont know. I have to tell them I've had an operation as its something like 8 weeks post surgery they need to know for insurance purposes...but at the same time, i dont want every complete stranger, knowing all my business. I have told a lots of people anyway, but when I was faced with the question from a load of people at work the other day, I just lied to them haha.
i kinda wish id just told them now, but they annoyed me with all the questions & i was a complete stranger to them. but anyway, maybe something like that would get a lot less questions than wls.

 

[emma&alex]

but they are right, being honest is the best policy.

im not going to see those people i worked with again, you'll have to keep a lie going for a long time..

 

[Bev]

Hi Emma,

I won't be telling everyone either... I see it as private part of my life with acquaintances...
It's personal between me and my decision...

but I have enlisted the support and help of my family from early on... although that is not all of my family... I have a brother that I couldn't talk to, don't see him that often... but I have been able to tell both of my elder sisters, son, close friends and of course my hubby, but it's something I wouldn't want to discuss with everyone and the dog at work...

Loads of love Emma and thank you xxx

 

[Bev]

That's right Emma, I couldn't live with that... If I were in this position I would try and get the girls on board in a gentle way and reform the way the family approaches healthy eating and lifestyle, do it collectively, it's an opportunity for everyone to benefit from a situation, I think telling fibs to the nearest people to you could cause stress and problems later on... embracing it as an opportunity with close family members is my choice....

But everyone has to make there own...

Much love xxx

 

[LBD]

I told people that I had a hiatus hernia repair. My surgeon told me this was the best "lie" as the healing time and scars etc are very similar. You also get restriction for a while following a HH op apparently.

I have only told a handful of people. Very close family and friends. I have not told my children - I told them I had a hernia repair.

I was worried my children would let slip by mistake to someone!

I felt it was a private matter and not one I wanted to share with others. I couldnt have coped with the negativity and the criticisms. I may feel differently once I am at goal.

Everyone has their own view and whatever you decide will be the right thing for you.

 

[Bev]

It's understandable LBD, hope all is going really well for you now....

In some ways... widening this point... it takes me back to the Anne Diamond situation, also Fearn Britton, we all have choices and all see things differently, plus... our situations, circumstances and beliefs are also individual...

What works best for one... may not work best for another and we can only help by saying what is our own personal experience...

Whatever Leesha decides... I do hope that all goes very well for you with your family and surgery xxx

 

[marky v]

i was open and honest with both of my kids, ultimately, you are changing your lifestyle for ever by having surgery, and with your new eating habits it'll rub off on them directly, you'll become so anal about protein/carbs/fat content it'll be unreal, like smokers who become ex-smokers!! sitting there shaking your head and tutting at the end of the day it's your choice and yours alone what you decide to tell them and anyone else for that matter, whatever makes you feel comfortable

 

[lisa x]

Hello and Congratulations on your up coming surgery....
i am on my at the start of my wls journey...and went through the same dilemma as you...
i have a 9 almost 10 year old daughter and a 5 year old son...
Obviously my 5 year old knows nothing as he is to young to understand ,but closer to the operation I will tell him I am having an operation in my tummy.
My daughter on the other hand is proberbly the only persons permission(for want of a better word) i wanted to go forward for this op.
I will explain she is a very shy,sensitive girl and worries about everything...
I wasn't prepared to lie to her as she would soon work out things were going on.
My daughter knows all my health problems and understands diabetes better than some diabetics...
Her first reaction to the operation was ."I was going to die"..."don't do it!"
But I have sat with her and explained(slightly sugar coated) about the operation and although I would be thinner ...the main reason I wanted this operation was to get the diabetes under control(or possibly in remission!)
From that point on she was happy for me to do this op...
Although she still has moments of "you could die"....I have basically told her that it is a small risk of dying..
The way i looked at it was,if i died my other half would have been left to do all the explainng after...and I would hate her being resentful and my other half having to deal with that.
At least this way she understands why I am having this operation.

I have told my parents and brother,and my sister in law..they have all been very supportive.
i wont lie if asked...but until i get his operation i don't see it as anyone else's business.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do... x x x x x

 

[Grace]

Hi,

I have been a long time lurker and have posted a couple of times when I was deciding whether to go ahead with the band or not. Anyway after a very long battle to get the op on the NHS I have decided to go private and am having my op on the 21st of September at BMI hospital in Rochdale.

I am very excited and looking forwards to my new life but I have not discussed any of this with my 11 year old daughters. My close family are very supportive and I am sure my daughters would want to be too but they are little worriers. I don’t want to upset them or even worse to affect their relationship with food as they are at a very difficult time in their lives for young girls and are already conscious of weight issues even though they are both very slim pretty girls.

I was thinking of just telling them I am having a small operation on my tummy and hoping they will accept that as an explanation. I don’t want to be dishonest with them but I also want to protect them. They also don’t see me as a very big person because I am their Mum and they just see me as 'mum' so I think they may not really understand. Has anyone else struggled with what to tell the kids? And what did you tell them in the end? I need to tell them something soon so they can be prepared for when I go into hospital.

Thanks

Leesh

Hi Leesh

You've had great advice from everyone so far, and i have't much to add.
I did choose to tell my kids, but they are older (16 +17).
However, they like your daughters have ALWAYS maintained that I am not fat. They are immensely loyal to their mum. But the other day in conversation with my youngest, I asked him if other kids had ever bullied or picked on him because his mum is so fat. I was shocked at his response. He told me it's happened often, whenever other kids wanted to have a go at him. But he's never been one to let other people's opinions trouble him.

One thing I would say, whatever your decision: don't underestimate your daughters. Over the years, I have realised my kids know far more about what's going to than I ever credited them for, and have dealt with far more too. Don't you think your kids are going to smell a rat when they see you eating tiny portions, changing your eating habits. losing weight? Maybe they would feel cross with you for not telling them?

Best wishes with your decision, whatever it is.

 

[Amrac1]

Hi, my kids are younger. 8,7,4, and 3 years old. I was honest with them and told them that I was going into hospital so the doctors could try to get mummies diabetees to go away. This would involve them cutting mummies tummy open and making my stomach smaller. Obviously they all had differing decrees of understanding but were quite accepting of the explanation. My daughter who is now 5 was a special concern as she only eats to survive if you know what I mean. However she takes great delight in walking round the supermarket and pointing to cakes and saying your not allowed that but I am!
In my view honesty is definatly the way to go. Prehaps braoching subject lightly at first eg a few moans about your size and clothes that dont fit. Then a conversation about wls. Followed by 'I think I would like wls' . Good luck with everything!

 

[Chuffy_29]

All great advice, i am a big advocate of honesty being the best policy, giving the info to an appropriate level of course. When i was speaking to my husband the other day my daughter (whose 10) shouted out from the other room, "whose having an operation, no-one round here is having an operation unless they need it!" Gave me a great in for when i sit down with the her, i can explain why i need it and she's pretty good about healthy eating and stuff so i'll enlist her "help" after too.

 

[Lostinmy30's]

My 14 yo and 9 yo girls are well aware of everything. In fact the wee one gave her class a lesson on weight loss surgery lol...she's a clever bunny and does her research on everything. They had differing opinions pre op - the youngest was excited the eldest was critical and worried but at the end of the day they are now my best support network next to the forum. The other girls from the scottish meet will tell you they tell me whats what and watch out for me all the time - which includes stopping me from making bad choices in moments of weakness.I did it for them and have never regretted telling them

 

[gaelic girl]

Just to echo what Vikki( lostinmy30's) has said i had the pleasure of meeting her daughters yesterday and it was lovely to see how knowledgeable they both were on the subject and how supportive they were of their mum and her journey. As Charis says don't underestimate your girls kids are far more resiliant than us mum's want to believe! xx

 

[Leesh]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I am still undecided if I am honest but it is good for me to see how everyone else has handled the situation. I think I might just go ahead and tell them but I suppose my greatest fear is that they will in some way develop an eating disorder through my actions. Like I said they are already very slim children who choose mostly healthy foods. They eat out of neccessity unlike me and I am scared that I might in some way damage them. i think they call it 'mum guilt'. Im full of it!!

Motherhood eh???

 

[Bev]

Awww... don't feel guilty for trying your best... sleep on it and think it through... do hope it all works out well for you and all... much love xxx

 

[gaelic girl]

Indeed the joys Leesh. If its any help i always vowed my kids would never be heavy ( neither of them are) and worried whether i would trigger anything by way of an issue with food in my daughter (my son is an adult) but it hasn't happened.She realises i HAD to do this through my own fault and it actually helps her to realise the importance of making the right choices food wise. Motherhood is definately not easy at the best of times lol x

 

[Rebirth]

Hi, for some reason my first reply wouldn't be accepted. Let's hope this one is. It is so hard when making decisions about our children. All I can say is follow your instincts as a loving mother.

I have 2 lovely daughters who were aged 6 and 8 when I told them about my imminent surgery. They are inquisative, bright young girls and would have questioned the change in my eating habits both prior to and following the gastric by pass. They have been very supportive and have enjoyed meeting some of the new friends I have made at the meetings and have helped with fund raising.

Due to some delays, they have had almost a year to get used to the idea. Although they have been upset and anxious at times, they are looking forward to the new healthier, fitter, active and hopefully pain free me. In all this time they have never told anyone about my impending surgery and have only discussed it with my siblings and a couple of close friends who know about it.

During the waiting time we have done some very special things together, to ensure they have good memories of the last year, if the worse should happen. My eldest has told me that she feels honoured, (her words not mine), that I trusted them to tell them the truth. She is looking forward to being able to wrap her arms around me. My youngest is worried that I will no longer be so hugable or comfy when she cuddles me. I think I've resolved this issue as she loves the cuddles from her aunts and my friends, who are much thinner than me.

My eldest informed me earlier this week that she will make me a skirt when I am thinner (I think I might not be able to wear it in public though). They have both been very supportive whilst I have been on the liver reducing diet. I should hopefully get my date later on today.

Take your time in making your decision whether to tell your children or not. How old are they?

Rebirth