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What's eating you?

Neen

Neen

WLS Moderator
I have been trying to pin down the one main thing that is keeping me from losing weight and throwing me off course.
What it is that is the biggest underlying reason why I eat when I shouldn't or keep fat when I have every reason in the world not to be.

For me it's anxiety, wether it's about my kids or going out or something cropping up that I'm not sure how to fix.

I just wondered what is it that is causing you problems..is it just wanting to eat for the foods sake or is there a big issue under that you can't resolve?

I thought we could indentify the problems and do something about them so that the food bit sorts itself out.

If you have beat an underlying problem eg like anxiety...what did you do? How did you resolve it?
I was hoping we could start listing some resources rather than just consoling each other.
Maybe we could mentor each other more actively and pool resources and help to actually make really effective changes for each other.
The hugs are fab but how about we help each other solve things if we can as well?
 
Anxiety of adult children is my problem... there is always something else... but I am learning to be more understanding of myself from within and self recognition is a basic starting point for me to deal with this...

It's difficult and we have anxieties for so many reasons...

Usual parental fears... but I say to myself... let your children breathe and use their wings and I'm always here if I'm needed....

I try to mask my anxieties but don't always succeed.... but my underlying issues are related to this and being sure that I am always doing my best not only for myself, which I do, but also for those around me.

Love and hugs.... believe in yourself... xxx
 
Families can cause a lot of happiness and stress and I do like to listen to the relaxation downloads thanks Neen. It's one of the major stressors I found from my work within mental health and managing the stress that comes from family life and all that goes with it... doing our best and recognising we are not super human helps... we are not all things to all people.... xxx
 
Thank you Neen.... it's manageable for me... but it's taken many years of working at it... and when I was younger it was worse.. I fully understand what you say about worrying about your children...

You probably do more than you think... we underestimate ourselves very often... and we sometimes need to say this and realise that we can only do our best and we are human with all that goes with it... I don't expect so much of myself as I have got older Angel and that helps...

Love and hugs to everyone xxx
 
My issues have always been boredom eating, anxiety and low self esteem (making me think "well Im already fat and ugly, I might as well carry on doing this cr@p") and I think the fact that I have always been terrified of change, as long as everything was the same as it always had been I was fine.
With the boredom eating I have simply tried to not let myself get bored, even if its just playing a stupid pool game on Facebook or trawling through Ebay for things I never intend to buy but like to look at. If boredom does creep in and I find myself drawn to the kitchen, I am quite safe as I have made sure I only have healthy things to pick at (my fave at the moment being celery sticks with low fat philly) or usually I just idly look in the cupboards and then carry on about my day.
As for the anxiety and low self esteem...well, I cant say I have neither now, but they are managable, I guess I just try to tell myself that I am what I am and Im fine with that, no amount of putting myself down will change the way I see myself, so its pointless to do it.
My fear of change was a hard one and it messed with my head as everything changed around me, when the reflection in the mirror is changing day by day you *have* to get used to it, if you allowed the fear to take over then you would sabotage yourself. This past year has been all about change for me, I had my surgery and then my body changed because of that, the way the world treats me now has changed, which is harder to get accustomed to, on one hand its nice that you are treated equally and not looked down upon, but on the other hand it can make you rather bitter that you had to make such a massive change to get that treatment and you have to force yourself to stop being grateful to people for treating you the way they always should have done anyway. My parents also moved away, its a long story but they were in a tied property of my dads job and new staff took over school and basically badgered and bullied them out of the job and out of the home that they had been in for some twenty odd years. They technically moved in with my sister but for nine months of the year they are living in Wales, so we have gone from seeing them every day and being in each others pockets all of the time, to seeing them every few weeks if we are lucky. So this past year has been all about change and it really has changed my outlook on my fear of change and my desire to keep everything the same as it always was. I have learnt that change *is* good and now I often crave it, Im not liking being stuck in the same situations all of the time and I go out and create new ones.
So for me, I have fought my demons and I seem to be winning.
If I can help anyone in any way that has similar issues as me then I will be glad to.
Steph xx
 
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This thread has made me think more than the counselling I had pre-op. Anxiety and low self esteem seem to be a running theme and I have also suffered with both since the birth of my second child eleven years ago. I think for me the most important change was having cognitive behavioural therapy through my doctors and a change in my medication which helped me to fight harder for my surgery which I know has been the ultimate 'boost' for me.

I also have been shocked at other people's reaction to me as Steph has pointed out, they now treat me as a 'normal' person with valid opinions rather than the 'funny fat bird'. This has been a long and sometimes crappy journey but well worth it. I would recommend 'box breathing' to any one with anxiety as it can be done anywhere and didn't need a lot of time to work, and dont be afraid of trying prescription drugs to help as for me they are a life changer and have been the break I needed from the mental health problems long enough to get myself together and to take care of myself.

I would like to add I am a childrens nurse and have found that even parents of my patients seem to react to me with more confidence since the weight loss. Funny how many people judge others on the way we look.
Sorry for rambling but I find this a really interesting and supportive place, even before the weight loss you are treated with respect and support which as i think we can all identify is not the 'norm' when your very big. Xx
 
Hmm this is a difficult one for me, I think I have most of the things already mentioned, anxiety, low self esteem, boredom yadda yadda yadda! Im a mixed bag of all of those lol. I think deep down inside though my weight problem began after childhood abuse. I had some therapy years ago and it was suggested to me that the reason I became fat was to make myself unattractive so people (men) wouldnt look at me in "that" way. I thing it was probably true in the beginning, but over the years all of the other reasons have come into play also. It is so hard to identify the real reasons are they are tenfold! Its so much more than just eating, or greed or gluttony as most people think. I think over the years I have learned to accept myself, not love.....just accept, I feel it is now time for me to be what I want to be and that means healthy and "normal" looking. I dont care if Im never "slim" just so long as I fit in and dont draw attention to myself, maybe then I will be able to go out and enjoy myself more.
Through my experiences if I could help anyone in any way I would be happy to do that.
Wow, what a deep post!! Sorry if its a bit maudlin! XX
 
Boredom

Kiddies

low confidence

Low self esteam

Feeling & looking liek a hippo

Health

money

the current financial situation what everyones going thru

Job hunting

The diy i want to do but no funds to do so

Its so so much :(

BUT

just have to get on with it xx
 
Great thread, sometime we have to take a deeper look at ourselves and question.

I used to think other people were the result of my unhappiness but I now believe we are responsible for our own emotions and feelings.



I used to hate myself, everything. My looks, my size, my outlook but now over the last few years I have found the real me.

She was always there, I just suppressed her with food and anger and hatred. No wonder she was afraid to show the world who she really was. Happiness can only come with kindness to the self.

We need to learn to be kinder to ourselves.

I think once you find inner contentment and peace, the rest falls into place.

So what used to eat me no longer does. I am proud of who I am.

So for all of you out there who feel you are worthless and unloved - you are not - inside you there is a love like no other. You just have to let go of the negative shackles and see that you are loved and have worth.

Be kind and learn to love who you are....
 
cazbandy said:
Great thread, sometime we have to take a deeper look at ourselves and question.

I used to think other people were the result of my unhappiness but I now believe we are responsible for our own emotions and feelings.



I used to hate myself, everything. My looks, my size, my outlook but now over the last few years I have found the real me.

She was always there, I just suppressed her with food and anger and hatred. No wonder she was afraid to show the world who she really was. Happiness can only come with kindness to the self.

We need to learn to be kinder to ourselves.

I think once you find inner contentment and peace, the rest falls into place.

So what used to eat me no longer does. I am proud of who I am.

So for all of you out there who feel you are worthless and unloved - you are not - inside you there is a love like no other. You just have to let go of the negative shackles and see that you are loved and have worth.

Be kind and learn to love who you are....
Click to expand...

Excellent post. One of the best I've read in a while. :)
 
Thank you every one for some amazing answers, It does look like there's recurring themes for definate...so what I would love to know now is

What exactly were the steps you took to accept and love yourself?

How did you stop automatic boredom eating...what stopped the food going in physically? what thoughts went through your head different to what used to?

How do you look in the mirror and start to change contempt and disappointment into acceptance and love?

What book did you read that maybe made an impact?

What did a friend or parent or councellor say to you one day that suddenly clicked off the self hatred dialogue?

The steps that made the change possible are what I would love to share and learn from others.


How do you stop blaming yourself for everything beyond your control?

How do you break the pattern of emotional eating and apologising for yourself?

I read You can heal your life by Louise Hay and had a councellor who managed to get through to me on a few issues but obviously I have still got humungous anxiety problems.

I know that for one of the main ones there is nothing I can do to fix it because I can't change my kids so I am never ever going to be able to solve that..so how can I separate my guilt and worry over them from my health issues and get out of the comfort eating trap because I already know I will have recurring stress I can't prevent.
 
Neen said:
Thank you every one for some amazing answers, It does look like there's recurring themes for definate...so what I would love to know now is

What exactly were the steps you took to accept and love yourself?

How did you stop automatic boredom eating...what stopped the food going in physically? what thoughts went through your head different to what used to?

How do you look in the mirror and start to change contempt and disappointment into acceptance and love?

What book did you read that maybe made an impact?

What did a friend or parent or councellor say to you one day that suddenly clicked off the self hatred dialogue?

The steps that made the change possible are what I would love to share and learn from others.


How do you stop blaming yourself for everything beyond your control?

How do you break the pattern of emotional eating and apologising for yourself?

I read You can heal your life by Louise Hay and had a councellor who managed to get through to me on a few issues but obviously I have still got humungous anxiety problems.

I know that for one of the main ones there is nothing I can do to fix it because I can't change my kids so I am never ever going to be able to solve that..so how can I separate my guilt and worry over them from my health issues and get out of the comfort eating trap because I already know I will have recurring stress I can't prevent.
Click to expand...


Lots of questions there Neen. Not sure I'm the right person to answer them.

Going on what Cazbandy wrote (excellent post btw); I suspect ultimately it has to come from within and at some point you have to be the one to let go. If you read through some of the posts the common link between them (StephieAck's and Cazbandy's) in particular suggest it was about an evolution (or even a REVOLUTION) in themselves and a realisation. I don't think it was reliant upon third parties (counsellors, books etc.) per se.

Being anxious is a personality trait that has to be unlearned, but it's easier said than done especially when one has responsibilities (and you have them more than most - hats off to you :worthy:). Unlearning is in some ways about breaking a habit. I one wrote on Minimins that is takes about 3 months to fully get into a new habit (doing it intuitively) and about 21-days to even start breaking the back of said habit(s); up to about 21-days it's hard work.

If you're looking for ways to overcome and reteach yourself then may be look towards more gradual process rather than the CAH-CHING!!! LIGHTBULB!! moment where you suddenly just stop. I do think such things exist, but for the majority I do believe it's about unlearning bad habits ... and may be the lightbulb moment is more of a realisation that something has to change rather than a hard and fast metamorphosis.
 
For me it's anxiety, wether it's about my kids or going out or something cropping up that I'm not sure how to fix.
Click to expand...

Anxiety sounds like something you've had for quite a long time ... may be even before fully fledged adulthood?

If you want to tackle your anxiety and remove your 'habit' of not being anxious when there is no need etc. I'd be inclined to suggest you need to really explore at what point you noticed .... acknowledged your anxiety AND why it seems to have manifest itself in you.

Secondly take things step by step ... for instance I think the easiest one for you to tackle would be to go out. This causes you anxiety, so sit down, figure out why it makes you anxious write those reasons down and then counter them with rational 'out of body' thought .. then write these down too. Analyse for a little bit the stuff you've written down then go out if you can even if it's to the bottom of your street. Once you get to the point whereby you can get to town and walk around without anxiety may its then time to tackle other stuff. You will only make yourself more anxious if you attempt to tackle everything head on making what I've just said counter-productive.

Unfortunately you'll have to pick at and clean out some scabs in order to make them heal properly. :hug99:
 
or something cropping up that I'm not sure how to fix.
Click to expand...

if you accept that the only things we have control of are how we treat others and how we treat ourselves then you'll be on to a good thing.

We cannot make someone like/love us.
We cannot make people respect us.
We cannot stop the No. 72 from leaving before we've got to the bus stop.
We cannot control the weather.
We cannot even control the date on which we die.

If you accept that about 99% of things that happen in life are beyond our control then I think you'll be ok and realise there is little point worrying about the ifs, whats and may be's.

Again easier said than done ... I worry incessantly - I was completely free of grey hair until about 3 months ago now I have a few.

May be I too need to come out of my body more i.e. have some more out of body conversations with myself.
 
What exactly were the steps you took to accept and love yourself?

It took a long time but I learned to look at myself in a mirror. Really look, and instead of focusing on the negative, I focused on the positive. I would say to myself every day, I am beautiful and I am a special and unique human being. I am ready to accept love and to give love, to myself and too others. Some days I believed it and some days I thought I was the biggest liar ever. But over time, the words sunk in and I believe them.

How did you stop automatic boredom eating...what stopped the food going in physically? what thoughts went through your head different to what used to?

This is a hard nut to crack. You really have to not allow yourself to become bored. There is so much we can do. I found for me, helping others helped me. Showing kindness and compassion by volunteering can be a great healer. Also I took up a hobby - photography. I am getting really busy with that so dont have as much time to consider.

How do you look in the mirror and start to change contempt and disappointment into acceptance and love?

You tell yourself over and over and over till you believe it.

What book did you read that maybe made an impact?

I did not read a book, I accidentally stumbled on the Dalai Lama's Facebook page, reading his words help me but it came from deep within, this sense of I am no longer prepared to feel bad about myself, no longer going to be as mean as some people had to me...I was not going to accept I was pointless or useless.

What did a friend or parent or councellor say to you one day that suddenly clicked off the self hatred dialogue?

That also came from within...

How do you stop blaming yourself for everything beyond your control?

Forgiveness. It's such a powerful tool. Forgive yourself first and keep doing so till you believe it, then let it go.

How do you break the pattern of emotional eating and apologising for yourself?

I did actually undertake therapy for this - CBT - and learnt why I turned to food for comfort.

I know that for one of the main ones there is nothing I can do to fix it because I can't change my kids so I am never ever going to be able to solve that..so how can I separate my guilt and worry over them from my health issues and get out of the comfort eating trap because I already know I will have recurring stress I can't prevent.

You have almost answered your own question. You have to realise that you are responsible for how you feel. Your kids, your life does not. Your emotions belong to you and only you. How you allow yourself to feel in any given situation is a personal choice.

Say for example your kids keep coming in late, you are worried about them that is normal, the world can be a strange place but it is your choice to allow this normal worry to escalate to stress and then maybe turn to comfort eat. This is a learned pattern of behaviour, almost like a habit, which can be unlearned too.

That is how CBT works, it helps you unlearn behaviours and find new coping mechanisms for daily life.

It's worth seeing a GP to refer you for it - it really opened my eyes :)
 
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