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Don't know what to tell my DD, I feel helpless

Karma67

Karma67

New Member
Hi all LONG POST ALERT (plus posted on another wls incase u all go there and see it too...don't want to bore!)

I have a BIG dilema here.....

Bit of history....Ex partner was violent to me and when I had my eldest daughter I left him (she was 4 mths old)
Over the next couple of years I got fooled to letting him back into our lives but when my DD was 4 he assaulted (and imprisoned)me in his mother's flat, infront of her and my daughter. I had him arrested and he went to prison for 6mths for it (he had the nerve to plea not guilty!!). He tried for supervised visits , it was granted but then he never showed up:rolleyes: :rolleyes:So no contact with her since.

Fast forward 10 or so years...I've had phone contact with his mother and aunt over the years, updating them on her life etc (They don't know where we live for obvious reasons). My daughter (who has A.D.H.D and O.D.D), starts saying she wants to meet him and that side of her family. After ALOT of soul searching I agreed to it (she's 15 can make own opinion up etc) and arranged it, with alot of ground rules etc. Her safety and emotional safety was paramount in my mind. I feel I can never trust him.

Well, She was there for a few days, staying with her grandmother and great aunt...I had specified that she xould not stay at his house, not until a 'proper' relationship/trust etc had been established. One the last day,as I was driving to pick her up (lives over 100 miles away), I got a phone call from her, in tears saying he's walked off with his girlfriend and she doesn't know where she is, felt abandoned etc...

Anyway I get there and the long and short of it she doesnt want to see him again (anger talking), he's a pr**k etc,

After a few weeks all's calmed down and she thinks she would like to go there and give him a second chance, she said mainly because she really liked his girlfriend. I was pleased that she had a 'comrade' when she was up ther and actually like the GF too. My DD went on to say 'if heever hits her I NEVER want to see him again as I like her more than him'!!

So I was thinking of her going up at half term as she didnt want to go up during the summer hols as she wanted to hang with her mates more than see him lol Typical teenager! plus he hadnt contacted her and I think she was a bit miffed at his lack of 'trying' to get to know her...understandable of course.


SO.......

I called the paternal grandmother today to se about arranging a visit, to find out, still can't beleive it, He's in prison awaitng trial for murdering his girlfriend:eek::eek: I really like his gf too. I knew he would do this to someone one day but just hoped it would never happen. I can't believe it. I am sooo angry!

I'm in shock. I don't know what to do/how to tell her. We have real problems with her anger issues as it is. She has just starting having counselling a few weeks ago, so I have called the CPN and she's just rung me back. she needs to talk to her collegues for some advice on how we can handle telling her this devastating news :(

I feel so useless and floundering :(
 
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:eek: I was not expecting that last bit, im in shock!!

I dont really know what to say as I havn't been in that position yet, my son will no doubt want to see his biological rat in a few years time and im hoping he changes his mind but who knows!!

All I will say is dont lie to her, you will have to tell her what he has done, how you go about that I do not know, hopefully when that woman gets back to you she will have good advice

Sorry I havn't been much help but I just want to wish you all the best and hopefully your daughter wont take it too bad, i dont even know if thats the right thing to say to you, im honestly lost for words

Kate x
 
OMG what a terrible situation to be in. I cant offer any real advice other than to wait to hear back from the counselling team. They really would be best placed on advising how to handle this.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best x
 
I really have no experiance in the field of having children, but I didn't want to read and run!

I would honestly wait until your daughters counsellor gets back to you with their recomendation as they are experianced and trained in handling highly emotional situations and young adults. However, I would try to tell her as soon as you can after that. I cannot even imagine how your daughter will feel when she hears this news, however, if she finds out that you kept this from her (even for a good reason) it could provoke feelings of betrayal.

Try to be as honest as you can.

You mention you are worried about our daughter primerily, but how are you coping with the news? It can't be easy to hear about what your ex has done.

All the best to you and your daughter!

Steph x
 
Crikey Karma, what a dreadful situation. But you shouldn't feel useless - no-one would know what to do in your situation without professional guidance. Wait to see what they say before trying to tackle the situation on your own. You need proper backup in this. My heart goes out to you. xx
 
OMG what a dilemma. Is the CPN connected to CAMHS if so i would be guided by them. Who is she recieveing her councilling from?
Sharing this kind of information with any child needs to be done at there pace all she needs is the basic info and then let her take the lead in asking the questions. Any questions again should be answerd truthfully but again keeping the info basic almost like a drip drip effect this way one answer will raise another question but without flooding her with too much info in one go, especially as your DD has ADHD and ODD it will allow her to process the information at her pace.
Try and make sure that when she is being told there is another trusted person there just incase she gets angry for your safety.
I really feel for you the court leasion servises may also be able to offer some support.
Take care
carole
 
Jeez - what a story and what a lucky escape for you and yours. Wait for the counsellor to come back with some advice and then maybe you and counseller tell her together.
 
I am so sorry for the dilemma you are facing. I can not even begin to imagaine.
It does sound that you have already been pro-active in comtacting the CPN and they should be able to guide you through what will undoubtedly be a very emotional and difficult time. Your daughter is a very lucky girl to have you and your strength will ultimately play a major part in getting her through her emotions.

Good luck and big hugs. xxxxx
 
Hi Karma
I`m so sorry to hear this , he is nothing but a scum bag . God love you and your daughter to go through is and you have to tell her . That poor girl only 23 and has her life cut short (shes younger than my daughter)
Its a good job you left him when you did . I hope he gets life for that .
You and your daughter are in my thoughts . Good luck and take care .
Margaret xx
 
What a dreadful situation to be in. I really feel for you. As the others have said ithink you need to be as truthful as poss but at a pace that allows your daughter to adjust to this awful news.
take good care of yourself as your daughter will need your strength.
 
Karma I too am in shock and don't know what to advise you. The only thing I can say is how lucky your daughter is to have a stable relationship with you. With the help of the professionals and the love and support from you I really hope your daughter can get through this.Good luck to you and big hugs to your daughterxx
 
Oh, this is awful - but as people have said, take advice on how to deal with it as it's such a complex dilemma.

My son's paternal Grandparents were murdered when he was little - he didn't know them or his biological useless b*stard, and as they threatened me a lot with taking my son, I wasn't upset that they were dead - I didn't want them to be but just wasn't upset they were.

However, it was still quite a thing to tell him when he was old enough to deal with this knowledge (16).

I really am sorry for you and your daughter and the poor girl who died. Maybe if the courts had punished him properly ( and ensured he was rehabilitated before letting him go) for what he had done to you this would not have happened. Dreadful.
Very very best wishes to you x
 
Hi Karma

I'm so sorry for your dilemma...

Be guided by your daughters counsellors, they will either let you know how to break the news to her or organise a session with her, but if they ask if you want to be present, it might be a good idea that you are because this affects you both and when the counsellors are gone she will need you not just as her mother but as the other person who shares this shock and grief.

It is an absolute tragedy for the poor young woman who lost her life...And as hard as this sounds, it could have been you or your daughter...violent men (and women) have control issues quite often so can be time bombs.

I know you must be in shock too...Don't forget to nurture yourself too in all of this...But he is at least going to be in a place where he can't hurt any more women...thank God.

Bless you both and take care

(((hugs)))
 
Thanks for all your kind understanding and supportive replies x We have a meeting at 930am tomorrow at the cpn's. It has been so hard to put on a brave face and pretend all is 'normal' knowing that i am about to change her life forever with this news. I will post again after the meeting with an update. X
 
Oh my god hun I really don't know what to say. I really didn't expect the last bit of the story and felt physically sick when I was reading it. I haven't got much else to suggest that hasn't already been suggested. The people you're meeting with will hopefully have some great advice.

My thoughts will be with you. I definitely agree that telling her sooner rather than later is important.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
hopelesscase said:
OMG what a dilemma. Is the CPN connected to CAMHS if so i would be guided by them. Who is she recieveing her councilling from?
Click to expand...

Hi Carol,
Yes the CPN is with the CAMHS team, she's been under them since her diagnosis 5 yrs ago. I think the cpn and family therapy counseller will be there today.

Ha d to tella little white lie to DD yesterday, saying CPN needing to change her appt for today:eek: otherwise I would be inundated with q's why she had to go today etc.
I'm still reeling from the news, plus i've now found out other details which are more distressing too:(:(:mad:

thanks all once again for you support and advice x
 
(((karma))) remember that they are there for you as well. even if your daughter doesnt want to talk to them about it but will talk to you. You also need to be able to off load onto someone so make sure you use their services. This is so important to keep yourself safe in all of this. Equally your daughter may not want to talk to you about it for fear of upsetting you and she needs that other person.
The one saving grace is that the team know your daughter so are in a good position to support you both.
Look after yourself try not to focus on the what ifs but on the future of you and your daughter.
thinking of you
carole
 
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