FEEL SO ALONE

[BlueDiamond]

I just dont know wot too do this isnt weight loss related and I aint even sure I should be posting this, but as thread says I feel so alone right now. I know I got me hubby and kids but this is about my dad, we was out for my brothers birthday last night and my dad confessed something to me and my sister in law..................Since me mum passed away in July this year ............He has been having bad thoughts.........errrrmmmmmmmmmm trying to word this right .........He doesnt wanna live no more basically:cry::cry::cry::cry::cry::cry:................I know I am always upbeat and supportive towards people .........but I just dont know wot too do anymore...........I totally sympathise with me dad and yet at the same time I feel he is some what selfish.......I know he misses me mum terribly(as we all do) and its very early days...but I aint ready to be an orphan yet:wave_cry:..........I cannot confide in me brothers as they wont be able to handle wot me dad confessed last night and I cannot confide in any friends or nuffin as none of them are going through wot I am going through (not that I would wish it on anyone of course) ...........Sorry to be so morbid but I need to get this out or I will go mad, coz all I been doing is crying since last night and every time me fone rings/bleeps etc I expect the most terrible news:break_diet:

 

[trine57]

Julie,

Just read your post - brought tears to my eyes. Don't know what to say other than perhaps your dad would benefit from counselling if you could persuade him. Men are more reluctant than us women but first port of call would be his GP maybe you could go along with him. Thinking of you x x

 

[Claire.R]

Oh Julie I really really can understand what your going through. My mum was the same when her partner passed away to cancer (dad left when we was little). I was only 17 at the time which is over 20 yrs ago now, but I remember it like it was yesterday. She wouldnt leave her bedroom for months, and cried all the time telling us she wanted to be with him. Even years later she says the only thing that stopped her was us kids.

I can only say that time is a great healer. Let your Dad know how much you all need him in your lives, how special he is. Make sure you have him come to dinner once a week. YOU need to tell your brothers as they need to take responsibility too. It shouldnt be down to just you. Is he taking any anti d? Mum did for a while...Mum also had a spate of going to see a spiritulist for about a year, we all used to say "what??!!" but its what she wanted... I can only send you a massive hug xxx

 

[Stellap]

Julie, so sorry you are having to go through this - however, this is part of his grieving and is a normal reaction. When I lost my fiancee (he had a brain haemorrhage and was in a coma for 5 months before dying) I totally went through the same thoughts - all I could think about was being with him but as I had a daughter (she was 15) this kept me going. Time really does heal and thoughts like this will subside eventually. What really helped me was to surround myself with family (especially the young children as it reminded me that live goes on), I also went to counselling, it took a year for me to feel better about life and time is a great healer (sounds corny but totally true). You also need support so make sure your brothers take their turn in giving him support x

 

[J-Mo]

Oh, Julie my heart bleeds for you. My mother died about 5 years ago & from that time I have seen my dad turn into an old man. Its so sad to see a parent suffer after the loss of a loved one but I'm sure like someone has already said, its part of the grief process.

Its extremely sad but all you can do is continue to love & support him. I encouraged my dad to do all the things my mother would never let him do, like go on a cruise, buy a new car & get his allotment. His allotment is now his new love

Its must have been terrible for you to hear this & I can understand you having mixed emotions.

Take care

 

[gaelic girl]

Julie i can honestly say i know exactly how you feel. My dad died 7 years ago leaving my mum (his wife of 48 years)alone apart from me an only child. My mum is completly blind has been for 47 years and my dad did everything for her. Love her she had no idea how to deal with anything! On top of that she felt guilty as my dad had altzheimers and she couldn't look after him. For ages my mum didn't want to live without my dad she didn't know how to, she used to refer to how dogs could be put out of their misery why couldn't she? It is so difficult to listen to hun but all i can say its still early days for your dad and time will get him there along with your support. Please get the rest of the family involved as i do know what it's like to listen to it alone and its a lot to take on. Your dad will get there i'm sure of it and if you want to message me i'm happy to chat anytime big hugs hun xx

 

[dottychic]

Sending you some MASSIVE HUGS Julie, You must be distraught at the moment, I can tell you through experience though that your Dad wont be able to help feeling as he does, and its a massive plus that he has told you how he is feeling. All you can do is be there to support him, depression can make you very selfish but he is probably so wrapped up in how unhappy he is he wont realise that. I hope things improve for you hun. (HUGS) XXXXX

 

[Linski]

Oh Julie sweetheart I really feel for you as this must be such a worry and you are still grieving for your mom yourself. You know really your Dad was asking for help really. If he was going to do anything like this I doubt he would have told you. What he is saying is I am lonely and lost without your mom. I agree you need to tell your brothers as they need to spend a little more time with your dad while he adjusts to this enormous cahnge and sadness in his life. I am afraid as we lose one parent it does become neccessary to 'keep an eye' on the remaining one. It must have taken him alot to open up to you and your sister-in-law. If I were you I would give it a day or so and bring up this conversation with him and while you need to compassionate I would tell him the worry he has caused you and say 'how could you want to leave us, what about us? i feel ceratin he will re-assure you by saying alhough he has thought about it (pure reaction to his grief) he will not do anything like that. I know and agree to a certain degree it does come across rather selfish to burden you with this worry. Statistics say those who tell people of thier thoughts rarely actually do it. You must have a really close relationship for him to feel able to confide in you this.

This is proberly of no help to you Julie because you are feeling such hiuge sadness for your dad as he faces life without your mom. But he shouldn't and I bet he doesn't forget she was your mammy and you too are coming to terms with her passing.

Dry your tears sweetheart, talk to him, listen and then tell him not to be so selfish as you all love him and need him. She was his wife but your mom too.

I bet he just wanted a bit of love and attention and I wish you well.

Take care

Linski xxxx

 

[Emma Louise]

Oh Julie what an awful thing.
I'm not sure what to suggest only a listening ear. Maybe try and talk to your dad about how it would make you feel if he did do such a thing. My uncle killed himself years ago and my dad (his brother) still hasnt got over it. Sometimes i dont think people whocontemplate suiside think of how it will affect the people who are left behind.
Just talk to him hun and make him realise that he is needed by you. xxxxxxx

 

[Bev]

Hi Julie,

I have been there with my Dad, my Mum died unnecessarily one of the first to go with MRSA in our hospital and she only went in for a bowel polyp to be removed. It was absolute living hell. Mum died 8 years ago when the MRSA outbreak started, no one understood what she had died from and we couldn't get any answers or come to terms with this unknown thing at the time... a living nightmare.

My Dad never came to terms with her loss... there is no way he would accept grief counselling and we had to think of other ways of helping him, he wouldn't accept anti depressants or anything to help him sleep either.

Losing your Mum in July of this year is very hard with first anniversaries and your Dad should really get help from his GP it's still early days, it took us 2-3 years to move forward and it varies from person to person, it's also early days for you too Julie precious.

I think it can really hit men hard when they are left on their own after a long marriage, it's hard enough on the children, but they are so distraught they don't think straight. My Dad would try and put a brave face on things because the five of us children were going through it and then another time he couldn't do this and would just go within himself with lonliness...

Particularly with the dark nights closing in too, it is worse as the days are longer.

We tried all sorts like dog walking, getting a pet and everything to get Dad involved... it was so difficult. I'm so glad to hear your Dad was out with your Brother for his birthday, that is something positive to hang onto...

Sometimes people I have worked with would say these types of things and sometimes it's a way of saying 'help me'...

The way I helped my Dad was to increase my contact and to involve him more plus we had a family discussion behind the scenes of ways of helping him and eventually with a struggle we won through...

I also had my parents living with me for a while to help them in their old age, not suggesting that for everyone, but it was just me and the way I felt at the time.

Keep talking to us Julie, since most of us have experienced multiple bereavements and some of us have worked in this area too, so always talk to us.

Little things can make a huge difference, even planning for a day out or holiday...

If you ever want to talk to me, message me anytime and don't feel alone you have every right to feel upset, I'm still grieving for my Mum.

Plus my Dad, he developed lung cancer and died 5 years ago... they would have been in their late 80's now, but I say everyday, I wish I could do more for them, even now they have gone...

.... and the way to do that is to gather what support you have on your side in the family and friends and work together... not on your own, share it and see what you can do...

Sending love and hugs to your Dad, you Julie and the rest of your family xxx

 

[lisa x]

Julie...
a problem shared ..is a problem halved..x
It sounds like he is in need of grief councilling..(most of us don't ever want to admit we need help..but it will help!) Sometimes talking to a stranger is easier than family and friends...
Maybe you could suggest you go with him..and turn it around so it looks like you are going for support(and not him if you get my drift!)

I don't know what else to advise,but your not alone...the help and advise is there hun...you just have to ask for it .. x x

 

[ladylite]

Well Julie I dont think I can add to what has already been said, and you must never think you are alone we are all here for you.

Big hugs coming your way hun and and extra few more for your Dad. xxxxx

 

[BlueDiamond]

 

[Bev]

Bless you Julie....

Talk, talk and talk as much as you can between those who are connected with your loss. Particularly your Dad, it does help the healing and although it's a long road uphill, it is comforting in time to be with those that are going through exactly the same.

My Dad was very similar in so much that he let his thoughts slip, but it's a normal response and the majority of people I have met on my travels who didn't tell anyone were the ones to be watched... I hope your Dad can continue to express how desperate he feels so it gives everyone an opportunity to help...

Little things are important, calling on the telephone, even a regular meal with your family and involving Dad more with the children, he needs to feel he has a purpose again and it's so difficult for him and you all...

Small strides, big hugs, sticking with the bad days and holding together with your support network and you also have all of us Julie.

I'm also thinking of you with your WLS journey and everything happening at once with your surgery in July too....

Loving hugs Angel and always here for you xxx