Feeling Alone

[Neen]

I just wondered if anyone else was putting things on hold until a certain weight/size?
I'm sort of a hermit at the moment. Since I had my eldest son , I basically have hidden away from people as much as possible.
He's 10 this month lol, I was around 25stone by the time I had him and since then I stayed basically the same weight.
At the boys first school it got worse, both of my kids are Autistic but before diagnosis nobody realised and I would stand alone in the playground waiting for them at the end of the day. Nobody would speak to me because of their behaviour in school. They couldn't cope and I daresay everyone assumed I was a crappy parent.
I remember most days having to go get one or both of them because the teachers couldn't cope, one under my arm and one holding my hand..both screaming as I walked back home with them feeling ridiculous.
A big fat woman with two howling kids, when the one thing in the world I wanted most was to be invisible.
I took them out of school and home educated them for a year during which time they were diagnosed.
We then started the process of getting them into special school and things for them became a lot better. Unfortunately by then the damage was done for me. I was too scared to go out and do anything, even go shopping.
Zip forward to now. I had the band , I lost a bit but now I have no friends , and I'm still feeling low and unsure of what size I need to be to feel like I'm worthy of mixing with others again.
My kids aren't easy to socialise with, especially my youngest who can be aggressive and unpredictable.
Even on here I sort of feel like I don't know the right thing to say to be friendly correctly.
Does anyone else feel this way sometimes? Or am I just giving off too much negativity no matter how I put things?

 

[Debbzie]

Hi Neen
read your post and i just had to reply. you do have friends on here and id love to be one of them. I bet your boys are the most amazing little guys to you and thats all that matters. You have spent all your energy being a mum and making sure you did everything for your boys well now they are doing better now they have been diagnosed then its time for you now. Seen your weight ticker and you have lost 75lb well done you thats amazing, thats a great start. Im doing scittish slimmers and its a slow go for me im not very good at sticking to things which is why i joined here for some support. There is no set amount of weight you need to loose beofre you can mix with others its your confidence that needs building and theres nothing better for that than loosing weight in my opinion. when you see your dress sizes go down your confidence will grow. Id like to know if you been to see the doctor about feelin so low maybe he/she can prescirbe something short term for you.
I wish you all the luck in the world honey and on here you will find so much support.

 

[Caroline101061]

Oh love - dont be so hard on yourself. I was a hermit for about 9 years before I had my surgery and even now, almost 6 stone lighter, I still dont want to go out - its a scary world out there. I had 8 months of therapy pre op and am trying to grease the wheels to get it started again because whilst the op fixes your body, it doesnt fix your head - excess weight is accountable for loads of things and losing it fixes some stuff but not all.

Are there any parents of autistic children support groups in your area that you could join - we are all here of course when you want to let off steam!

 

[serenitylove]

dont be so hard on yourself babe my best friends autistic and having 2 children with it im surprised you have coped as well as you have. try joining a weightloss support group it maybe easier for you to start going out again if your withpeople with the same issues as you if i lived closer id come see you. as for feeling worthy if im honest i dont think it matters what size you are iv had to face the fact my life wont be different just because im slimmer it wont make me a better person just a more socially acceptable one! i think you could benifit from some councilling for self esteem was any offered to you? xxx big hugs as from my friend i know what a hard life you must have xxx

 

[vanilla-cupcake]

God you've made me quite sad reading your post

You have kept yourself away from society for so long its bound to feel strange trying to get back in, you hid yourself behind your weight and now thats coming off you feel you have nothing to hide behind anymore....am I right?

Debbzie is right, you should find out if there are any support groups for parents of autustic children, your doctors surgery should be able to tell you this. You will meet people in the same situation as yourself and maybe make some friends out of it

Just be yourself on here, we are all in the same boat whether it be 6 stone or 16 stone we have to loose its all the same.

All my friends are married with children so we hardly ever get to see each other, maybe at birthdays or the odd night out so I come on here to have a natter with people who know what im going through and dont judge me.

Honestly I dont care what people think of me now, I remember after I had my son 11 months ago I was in the shopping centre and saw a girl I hadn't seen in years and she was like 'oh Kate I didn't recognise you' and I smiled and said 'oh I didn't realise my face had changed that much' and turned my back on her and walked away...stupid cow, I was only 3 stone heavier than when she last saw me, people can be so bloody condesending and arrogant

Dont be afraid to be yourself on here, I have made loads of 'friends' and value their advice and honesty, keep your chin up, you are loosing weight so things can only get better for you

 

[rosejohnson]

Please don't beat yourself up, you sound like a great mum, I absolutely admore ANY mum that can home educate and I know what a battle it can be to get children diagnosed at Autistic.
I can empathise with you on the school gate thing, I totally don't fit in and absolutely hate the drop off and collect times.
And as for your original question, about putting things off until the weight has gone...hell yes! I have been putting off living!
Please don't be down, as it sounds like you are. You have lost an amazing ammount of weight, you have achieved SO MUCH already and you should be proud of yourself. It is a shame being overweight has zapped you (us) of confidence, but you are doing something amazing for yourself and I know that as the realisation really hits you that you CAN do this, you will feel proud of yourself, and that in turn will boost your confidence. I wish I could hug you.

Rx

 

[elffie01]

Neen you are not alone hun so get that solo slimmer changed

I know how you feel to a certain extent, I have a daughter and 3 step kids. Before meeting my OH I was outgoing and enjoying myself with my daughter and her father, even though he downgraded me every other day

I met my hubby 7 years ago and he loves me to bits, never makes a bad comment about me, not even in anger. Its a stuggle with the kids, and I dont think you are an outcast from the playgorund because of your kids, I think the school grounds is as bad as an adult as it is as a child. Its b!tchy as hell, I prefer to stay out of it and dont take my kids to school.

I have also become a hermit, I dont go out drining any more, dont want to go to the pictures, out for meals. Mostly because I have lost my self esteem and it sounds like you have too I also know its because at the moment, due to my size, I dont want to meet anyone new, I also dont want to embarass my hubby, I know he wont see it like that but I do!

This was the point that made me decide surgery and although it wont cure my self esteem it will give it a damn big boost. I would love to get back to the confident me.

Hun, believe me you are not alone in anyway. I have minimal friends but Im sure it will change. Your confidence will return.
You cant say anything wrong on here Im sure, you cant ask stupid questions either. If you dont feel confident asking on the forum then Im sure no one will mind you sending them a pm

BTW you dont have to be a certain size to feel worthy, you are already worthy, its just people are too blinkered to see it.
By all means feel free to pm me

 

[Rising_Sun]

Hi Neen,

You are not alone I can assure you. Excess weight limits most of us in one way or another. So does autism in the family. I too have a seven year old son who has severe autism. He has no language skills so his frustration levels are high. He otherwise looks absolutely normal but for his major tantrums and head banging and the fact that he is still in nappies. He is also quite aggressive and these behaviours limit the places I can take all three children. I find that adults are the worst in terms of judging, failing to understand, let alone offer some kind of help when out in public. I so get you when you say you feel you are judged, no only as fat but as being a bad parent. The reality is that those judging couldn't walk 50 yards in your shoes.

I have continued to engage in the world of work but not of living or doing the things I or my kids really want to do. I do more at work, I get out of my way to help others, I spend sleepless nights writing reports so that they are well within timescales. All this because I don't want to be labelled lazy because I'm fat. I have the most outgoing twins (5yrs) and they get invited to all manner of parties by classmates. They miss most but out of guilt, I force myself into situations where I am throughly invisible to other parents. Fancy that, at a shade under 6ft and formerly 30stone but still invisible. That's a trick to be envied by all magician's don't you think. Don't get me started about the school gate!!


Confidence and self esteem grow with losing weight. I am looking forward to restoring my former super confident self and taking most situations head on, without worrying how I am perceived because of weight. I know losing weight cannot cure all that ails us, but it helps. If anything, it frees up more energy to keep up with our kids.

 

[tpt]

I have nothing of any use to add to this thread but it saddened me deeply - how any human being could not believe they are worthy of love or friendship completely astounds me. I truly hope you find the confidence to make the changes you need to feel the happiness you desire.

 

[fatbutnot4eva]

Please dont feel like this, you have made such a positive step and this cant be wasted, you already sound like a fantastic person, 2 boys can be hard work at the best of times but made even harder with autism as people find it so hard to understand and seem to dismiss it as bad behaviour.
Like I say you have taken the first step and now you need to take the second then the third and so on.

I have "friends" if thats what you can call them they are mums from school who i sometimes socialise with walk to school and back with etc... BUT I sometimes think why are they my friends is it because I make them look thinner, I feel that I am unworthy of friends but then sence kicks in and of course I am worthy I think I am a good friend.

First of all if I was in your position I would write a List (I love lists)
this list should have on it all the things you want out of your life however easy or hard they are to get.

Here's mine for some simple ideas

Take my 3 kids swimming (sounds easy but i just cant do it)
go to the park
take the kids to a play area and have a coffee sit and read a mag
buy a pair of jeans from a nice shop

These are just MY things things that I want from my "new" life things that I dont feel that I can do the size i am.

You say you dont feel you have friends but what are friends they come in all sorts they can be people from facebook (Get on there you wont have time for other friends lol) here, your boys new school, people you meet at the park for the first time and realise they are there everytime you go.

Please dont ever feel lovely there is always someone on here and no matter what you are looking for there is always someone able to give it. Thats what I have found about this site there are so many views but everyone is so caring xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Helen

sorry to go on xxxx

 

[gaelic girl]

Neen as others have said you are not alone we are all here to help each other through the good and the bad, I used to work as a respite carer for children with autism and you sound as if you are doing a wonderful job with your special boys. "Joe Public's" ingornance is what makes them pre judge "she is fat she is sub human and only worth laughing at" reality we are human too - you have two boys who have complex needs but yet "these kids behaviour is terrible so you have no control and it's all your fault" reality you are a great mum who is working with two boys with "special needs"I work in a childrens home and as we opened the neighbours were going to burn us down why cause our kids were bad and nobody wanted them here reality - our kids are complex because of horrific life exeperiences caused by adults. Sorry for the rant but it upsets and angers me when i see/hear people like you Neen who are so upset by ignorance that you feel you have to hide away. Others have given great advice to look at support groups, just take baby steps and prioritise what's most important to change 1st. You have done so well with your weight loss so far and being a parent is never easy and no one gets it right every time but all we can do is our best and it's obvious that's exactly what you are doing. You hang in there sending you a big best wishes hug xx

 

[Big an Bouncy]

Hi Hun,we are all your freinds on here and dont you forget it!Did you approach the peeps at the school gate?Sometimes we find it hard to make the first move.Glad the boys are now in school now, for you and them.Gives you more time to get your head straight and your body well.And gives them social skills we cant give them at home no matter how hard we try.I speak from experience of a son with disabilities and fostering children with many learning problems.Have you seen your gp about depression,stress,anti social probs etc.Prozac saved my life.Not for everyone but never dismiss the idea.Did you mention a partner or someone close you could talk to?You have to make yourself well for your boys and you,its very hard when the black clouds decend but remember the sky is ALWAYS blue behind them.Love and hugs .x ps you put yourself over very well in your blog!

 

[Neen]

Thankyou

Well , I'm a bit taken aback by the replies, thank you for reading and taking the time out to reply..I am going to try to respond to you all sufficiently

Debbzie, Yes I did go on prozac a few years ago when I had a major meltdown! I didn't see much of an improvement but then I got in touch with a counsellor through my partners works health scheme/helpline I did make some progress and I still see her on the odd occasion. She's usually really busy so I tend to find I'm really strong just after seeing her then in between times when the kids are driving me back up the wall again, I kind of go back to bewildered.
It was lovely to read your comment and I appreciated you being kind enough to give words of encouragement. I hope being on here does the trick for you too xxx

Caroline, thankyou for what you said. I don't think others who haven't cut themselves off like we did can appreciate how terrifying it can be to just function normally. I had to take Ty to the opticians the other day after the boys were fighting and Ayden screwed his glasses into a knot. Oh my god , when Dean said "you two nip in while me and Ayden stay in the car" I nearly had a heart attack. I puked , went for about a dozen pees before we got in the car, hyperventilated all the bloody way into town and when I actually went in the opticians I managed fine. (autopilot) It's the dread. I confess for a long time when I did go out before losing any weight, I actually put my hand on my stomach and pretended to still be pregnant because I thought people would cut me a bit of slack. Yeah and my youngest was 6 at that time. If there's anything I can do or say to help I will. I'm sure we'll shake the fear and be bouncing around all over for the right reasons soon xxx

Serenity, thanks very much for offering your sympathy. Autism is such a grey area, I think if you have a family member or friend with it , you are permanently on the defensive .
Every person with Autism is so differently affected by it. I get worn out trying to explain and justify reasons why my kids are like they are because they look like your average little boys...nothing is obviously wrong as it were. If I had a quid for every time I heard someone saying "he needs a smack" I would be a millionaire and would have had all my fat sucked out years ago at some harley street clinic!
So yeah, you add two little tearaways to an overweight mum and people tend to assume "well no wonder they're awful kids, with a Mum like Waynetta Slob"

One thing I have learnt by having my two is never never to make snap judgements about parents with kids in the midst of loud public tantrums again!
I wish you all the best with your journey too xxx


Kate, hello and thanks so much for replying. I didn't mean to make you sad Sorry about that. I think you're right about being out of the loop, you spend enough time in a tiny little world of your own, your confidence goes down. Plus most conversations I do have with adults centre around the kids, what they've done this time etc. We had a horrendous few months leading up to the summer holidays with Ayden hitting ten bales of what not out of everyone, including the head teacher, and the taxi driver that brings us home. I should be underweight when I think of all the squirming I've done.
Old friends , well lets just say I am no way going near anyone till I get a bit smaller. It's a shame as I've had a couple turn up on facebook and actually been invited out a couple times by some nice old school friends...my reaction? stop using Facebook of course.
I do try to be myself in as much as I really like people and I really want to be you know, normal!! I hope I don't come across as pushy or anything when I respond to threads. I'm eager to help people if I can. I think deep down I'm still looking for approval from someone but obviously unless I can feel accepting of myself I won't be happy.
You're doing great so far and I really enjoy reading your posts xxx

Rose Heya and thanks for your reply too. I really appreciate your kind words...most hugs I get usually involve some sort of minor injury lol (youngest again)
It's a shame us "putting things on hold" types don't live near each other. Can you imagine a gang of us going out on raids to public places like a load of cuddly ninjas. (I have these weird images pop up in my head quite a lot) I think I keep a sense of humour about my irrational fears to a degree because it does help stop me barrelling into major depression. I do honestly feel more hopeful about the future, but I think more impatient and scared it might be too far in the future to be a reality. I think sometimes I feel that deep down I might mess it up and not get to goal again. But if I do as I'm told by the professionals (instead of adapting so I can cheat etc) I will be OK. Maybe next year we can both look back at all the procrastinating and wonder how that shy person could ever possibly have been us.

Lots of love x

 

[Neen]

More thanks and replys!

Elffie , I didn't honestly realise how many people have the same feelings as I do regarding school and just general feeling awquard about going out and about.
It's not right that we should feel this way, perhaps bringing it out in the open and discussing it will be good for us. I know that I felt many times when I was at my heaviest and trying to be inconspicuous , minding my business out shopping and stuff, that some people were looking at me and wondering how I could possibly think I had any right to walk amongst them. I was always terrified of standing in the supermarket queue in case someone was looking at what I was buying and thinking badly of me.
It's a pretty poor state of affairs when bigger people feel too scared of being judged or ridiculed just going about their business..but it's nothing new. I think some callous people just see a larger person and think there is nothing wrong with pointing out the flaws loudly to their friends as we walk by..like it's their bloody duty or something.( Oh yes that happened a lot too)
It really can trap you in a vicious circle, I can remember many times getting over the panic attack and anxiety enough to set foot out the door and then some comment or someone staring would send me back in for a week or so.
I get my shopping on the net now, crikey I buy everything on the net even the wrapping paper and birthday cards for Ty just today!
Unfortunately that just makes it easier to hide and harder to find a reason to get out there and have positive experiences.
Maybe if we speak about our problems to do with just getting outside the front door we can help each other a lot
xxxx


Rising_Sun, I was so glad you posted, I can definately relate to all of what you said. Even our own extended families sometimes have no idea how hard it is. When I say to my mum some days I can't even go to the loo without a huge punch up breaking out, I swear she doesn't believe a word. Ayden will destroy stuff a lot...hes kicked a laptop off a table , one minute he was happy looking at cbeebies website, the next nano second you get an ear rending scream and the comp is airborne heading for the fireplace.
It's frustrating , tiring ...it is devastating if you eat for emotional reasons and most of all it can really isolate you.
I have two autistic kids but both very differently affected, my eldest is easier to talk down from situations but will hit himself and he still soils and hides his underwear a lot.
My youngest I have described a fair bit already ,he's just always on the go as well. I feel for you especially in regards to your other two kids. It must be so hard for them but I bet they are amazing . Kids can be brilliant and adapt much better than adults do.
I totally and utterly agree with you about having to try and justify yourself. It's the weight issue and the Autism factor combined , trying so hard to show we're doing our best and not just letting everything fall to chaos around us...oh my god...I'll always remember one incident when Ty was at mainstream and had had a particularly bad day and bitten his LSA so badly on the arm it had to go in the accident book. Now the LSA was quietly explaining what happened to me , she was really sweet and I know she adored Ty..I felt gutted enough, then the head mistress poked her head round the door and said "We don't allow biting"
Like I trained him up specially to attack people ffs. She then said something about discipline at home and that I would benefit from a parenting class...yep. Well I think I went purple, totally choked and went home and ate a packet of biscuits.
So yes, thank you again for replying, I hope we can help each other overcome some issues as we all deserve to win through. It won't make our lives any easier to a degree but I might be able to catch a few more laptops mid-air xx

 

[Neen]

Replys and thank yous continued

Tpt, Thank you for posting , honestly, don't be sad. Things are a lot better for me now than they were, and I promise this post was not to wallow in it or anything. I just wondered if other people had similar issues and maybe bring us all together in order to not feel isolated or ashamed by it. I do still have a huge mental block about just going out to do simple things but I also know deep down there is someone outgoing waiting to be unleashed.
Good luck in your journey xx


Helen , Hiya and thanks so much for your lovely reply. I agree with you about lists, I am forever scribbling down little notes to self...
It's hard when I think of all the things I feel I should be doing with the kids, I feel so guilty and I blame myself a lot. I know my mum thinks that if I'd been out more often with the boys earlier they wouldn't be like they are now, well her and a couple others on my side think that I'm sure.
Course it wouldn't have stopped them being Autistic but you know, when it's your mum, you kinda take it and run with it...oh my god I'm stopping about my mum, that's a whole other thread ful I won't be starting lol.
I would love to take my kids swimming too, and I want to learn. Ever since I had a horrible time at the school swimming gala when I was about 12 I have not even set foot near a public pool...lol less said the better. But yes we have lots of catching up to do and anything I can do or anything you want to know about wls , I would love to help if I can.
xxxx

Gaelic Girl , Ah hiya and thanks very much for posting as well. It's always brilliant when I speak to someone else who has understands challenging kids because you sometimes find people get that glazed over "not quite believing" look in their eye if they have no experience with Autism etc. The isolation is just two fold for me as I keep saying, it's not that I don't want to mix but I find everything I do I am preplanning and trying to prepare everyone all the time for anything and everything that might happen. Quite often it is just easier and safer to not go and try anything at all.
In my low moments that is how I feel and that is why I'm kind of reluctant to just brazen it out and go off and do what I want. Lots of times Dean will take the kids out all by himself and I feel so horrible that I'm letting him have to cope on his own with them..It just adds to the pressure overall unfortunately.
Still I am trying to keep positive and hope that I can join in and give Dean some support. I'm glad I that you replied and I hope your weight loss journey is a wonderful experience xxx

Bouncy Hiya and thanks so much for your reply, oh lordy I would get scowled at by the other parents so bad..I was too scared to approach anyone. When my kids were attacking theirs almost daily, can you imagine what reaction lol
It's certainly different at their current school, parents there tend to not bat an eyelid when something like Ayden attacking anyone who has buttons on their clothes happens..you just get a knowing smile lol.
I am shy to go to the support group more because of my weight and that Ayden especially has been a little ratbag to the other kids this year, to be honest I can't help feeling ashamed, even though he can't help it and the other parents understand, I still feel rotten about it, you know.
Anyway, after the summer hols the boys are going to school full time for the first time in a few years and I can go back to being a regular mum again. I hope that will give me the chance to get my bum ingear and crack on with getting the weight down and maybe venture out for little walks in the village. I might even meet a mate. Stranger things have happened so I hear.
Cheers for reading my blog too, you poor thing!Thats advanced waffling in there!!!
All the very best for your slimming journey too xxxxx

 

[Caroline101061]

Neen - you have alot of unloading to do. I can see that in your replies. Please think about asking your GP for some counselling. Its not a quick fix but in time it will help. Last year I did all and I mean all of my christmas shopping online - this year, if I have any cash, i might venture out! I go to the supermarket now but only cause one of the temporary side effects of my op is no appetite and I really have to see the food to want to buy it! If you ever want to talk, pm me and I will be happy to pass on my mobile no.

 

[Rising_Sun]

Hi ya again Neen. Thank you for your further very honest and relatable post about life with autism. I can almost visualise your kids and daily life from your descriptions. I find the support from Mini's quite invaluable. Mind I started on this board back in the day when I did the Cambridge Diet but no matter the weight loss programme, the common denominator is that the people here understand. The replies you've received for your post are amazing and very supportive and I've gained something myself from all of them. I've picked up a couple of lines from your post to reply below.

It's frustrating , tiring ...it is devastating if you eat for emotional reasons and most of all it can really isolate you.

Yes, I am such a one. I've pasted this part of an intro of myself I posted elsewhere to capture just how devastating the frustration and isolation created by autism have been - Here goes:
"I've put on all my excess weight in my adult life, though the last 6 years have been the worst for gaining weight. I stopped work to look after my first child then quickly fell pregnant with the twins. Shortly after they were born, my older son started to display signs of autism, which was confirmed quite early on. He is severely autistic and no longer speaks. I ate my despair. I ate my sense of grief and loss for the child I had dreamed he would be and that I would never know. I ate my worry that the twins would also be autistic. I ate as I mourned the loss of life as I knew it before and as I imagined it would be. I despaired and I ate through the sense of isolation that followed, the boredom from not being in work and ate just to make myself feel better. During that time I also tried various weight loss methods with varying success but always the same result, I regained more than I had lost. Many know how the story goes. Well now I've stopped despairing for I have been forsaking God. My son, who has autism (notice the change) is who he is, a gift. He is loving and always gives you a smile. My twins, bless them, do not have autism and they are great with their brother. I realised I needed to change to be present for my kids and so I sought WLS knowing I needed this kind of intervention."

So yes, thank you again for replying, I hope we can help each other overcome some issues as we all deserve to win through. It won't make our lives any easier to a degree but I might be able to catch a few more laptops mid-air xx

Hear, hear. Feel free to PM me anytime.

 

[Neen]

Hey Caroline, thanks again for your reply.
I do have a really good counsellor, the main problem is frequency of seeing her. I have seen so many professionals about the boys , the thought of getting yet another new one involved kind of makes me recoil if you know what I mean.( even if it is for me and not them)
I am hoping to chat to her again soon , although it is looking like being after the school holidays now. She wants me to join in with one of the Self development /NLP courses she runs. Mainly to get me to meet some of the other people on them really as there are a couple of them with weight issues.
I will definately PM you later on Bit shy sometimes, you know what it's like!

 

[Neen]

Hi Rising Sun, Once again it was great to have a reply from you. Reading your intro really struck a chord with me..I don't think a day goes by without me worrying about what might happen to the boys when I go. Speaking to my counsellor about it really helped me. She was trying to help me view it in a different way, that what they take from me is confidence, knowing they are loved and a belief in themselves. Sometimes I'm not convinced that it will be possible for them to know any of that. You kind of wish you could be immortal , but in that respect we aren't any different to any other parent out there. What I'm trying to focus on, although I have a lot of work to do on myself, is getting fit and living as long as I possibly can. Trying to not be overwhelmed is really hard, and trying to remember I have the right to a bit of light relief as well. What else can we do? They are how they are and we love them no matter what. Just having people who know how you feel means so much more than can be put into words.
Keep strong, you have such a helpful powerful tool now because of the Op.
I have to be honest , I was scared to write the thread at all. I just wondered if perhaps someone had any sort of understanding of how useless I think everything is sometimes and maybe have some suggestions. After reading everyones comments I feel so much more positive and really looking forward to putting my absolute best effort into my weight loss. xxx

 

[Isis]

WOW what a thread of support and compassion here. It's overwhelming to read and I have thanked everyone as it is really is in the spirit of what Minimins is all about

:thankyou: