Ive had a letter from my surgical team this week who are confirming I have been transferred for further assistance with specialist gastroenterologists at the Queen Elizabeth hospital and Sandwell DGH for "further studies" as they now advise the reason I can eat some days and cant on some others is due to stomach pressure which would kind of make sense.
My understanding is the pressure in your stomach is determines by the space and therefore the Bougie used in theatre. Once a certain size is used the seam is supposed to be over sewn. If not the stomach pressure can cause tears, leaks, bursts and bleeds.
Its now thought that this is the reason for my problems. Moving on from there, my stomach is now not the original size from surgery due to revisions. Ive asked the important questions.. will and can this happen again? ie tears/leaks etc.. and how do we fix the "too much pressure" issue.
The answer?? "We dont know.." so yeah. Whilst theres a movement closer to acceptance for me as Im 900000000000000 percent certain I did everything i should and nothing wrong, I now no longer have faith in my team.
Ive speant just under a year panicking Im still leaking. Few months short lived pleasure and enjoyment that Im not, and now I feel nervous as Im a potential ticking time bomb for stomach explosion/leaks and could end up being back where I was at any point. Medical neglicence? The initial problem (leak) I dont know.. certainly some negligence, well in my opinion alot of negligence with care and things that followed consequently.
Hopefuly the "studies" will provide an answer and we can fix this - the team and I together without the use of further surgery. They cant make it bigger without something major as the other 95% is in the bin? Whether they convert to a mini bypass, use part of something else to make a bigger stomach I dont know. I dont want to think about it but have come to accept that whatever the outcome its got to be done. I cant go on the rest of my life like this.
On the other token. I am now managing to eat 3 small meals a day now without anti sickness. Some days I feel sick and I dont want to get out of bed, but hey I have to. No choice. Ive been through worse and this is nothing on the scheme of things. I am managing to eat my way through around 90g salad, consisting of lettuce, grated carrot, onion, 2 tablespoons congiatelle pasta shells and either a little grated cheese and bacon with half a boiled egg or a little chicken.
looking at it, its nothing. But compared to how things were, its a giant leap. I still have days where I wake up, drink water and am sick. I have days where I can drink a pint as soon as i wake up and several cups of tea. Then I have others where my gut rejects water, tea, juice, milk, food, everything and I wont be able to eat for hours or keep fluids in. Then Ill try sipping a little water and it will go in fine? or the water wont go down but mint tea will? Some days I still dont eat. It concerns me. Its not for the lack of I cant be bothered because Im starving! I can wake up be starving, have a spoon of yogurt or porridge or a bite of banana and Im sick. I cant stomach it. Ill get to morning break, famished! Try eating a cracker or something else and sick. Lunch.. mouthful sick. Teatime - a lick of the spoon sick. ITs hard.
At the moment Im feeling more comfortable and happier with things knowing Im eating my salad concoction. even if it takes me all day long. Its progress and whilst thats being made, Ill take it and think of it as a positive step in the right direction.
This is just the risk of the surgery. Its not the easy way some people would have you believe or "risk free". You could lose your life. Compared to the existence I had before my life has improved by million percent in some aspects. Im no longer ridiculed and have to deal with alot of things I did prior. However every day is a challenge. From eating, to drinking, I think more about food more now than ever before.
Would I do it again? Yes and No. Thats just my feelings based on both positive changes (yes) and no with the ongoing issued. in a year I could be cured, living the life I want completely. In a year I could be dead. On the same token, not necesarily the surgery that contributes to it - I could get hit by a bus!
When the studies have taken place and we have more answers and ways to fix the problem, Ill get back to you. At the end of the day the decisions is yours alone to make, and this isnt here to scare you. this is my story and what happened to me. There are hundreds and thousands out there positive trouble free, however for every action theres a reaction or consequence and a darker side and rule to every exception. For some reason this was me. I wish you well and the best of luck with your surgery and look forward to sharing your journey with you. Im sorry mine isnt the bed of roses I wish it had been, but Im thankful its not in one way. Its made me realise alot of important things about me, realisations about my life and what really is important. Its not always the things we think
God bless x
