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negative comments- huge rant alert!

emma&alex

New Member
Im really angry with my boyfriends mum at the moment. Almost to the point where I want to refuse to go and visit her anymore. She is such a rude woman & I'm sick of feeling belittled & spoken down to.

The very first time I met his mum, I was pregnant with out little boy, and she said 'have you always been so fat or is it with pregnany'. I could have burst out crying there & then, and I had to use all my self control to say 'yeah, I've always been fat..have you always been such a rude b****?'. I wouldn't mind so much if she wasn't quite fat herself though...thats the funniest thing!
She has always said things like (and this is way pre surgery) 'I've put a smaller portion out for you Emma, because you should probably be cutting back' or equally as annoying things. She says things people probably think, but they seem to have a filter in their head of things that should pass their lips...& she really doesn't.
She told richards sister as a child she was 'very plain, and getting quite chubby...she'll never find a boyfriend', she was about 12 at the time, and since about the age of 14, richards sister has struggled with eating disorders, she has been hospitalised with anorexia & still now, at the age of 32 struggles a lot with eating & her self image. She honestly doesn't see any connection about what shes said & makes comments about her being 'pathetic looking' & 'less than a bean pole'. she also tells her shes got a huge nose & a drawn in face. she just really is a rude nasty woman.

Anyway, telling her I had gastric band surgery was just a huge worry because shes so over opinionated & small minded..I was just dreading it.
I made richard do it ahha...but anyway, since shes found out, thats it.
She really thinks I should be ashamed, and shes amazed I talk about it openly & freely with people.
We went away to Spain a few weeks ago, and the whole time she made comments about what I should & shouldn't be eating. Seriously, every time I picked something up, she said 'should you be having that emma?'..actually to the point where in the end I said over the dinner table quite loud 'THE NEXT PERSON TO QUESTION WHAT IM EATING WILL GET A PLATE FULL IN THEIR FACE' i know its quite rude, and I wouldn't normally let myself get so worked up...but she really was just chipping away at me. She kept telling me my portion size was too large, and everyone was having 'socking great amounts of food'....the funniest thing was, I was making healthier choices, I was sharing every meal I ordered with my son, and we were still leaving a lot on our plate. Again, whats hilarious is she didn't seem to realise she was ordering the exact same amounts as everyone else..she swapped her dessert for a coffee a few times..but still ended up eating bits off everyone elses plate. I really wanted to tell her she didn't get so big eating like a sparrow, and to mind her own business, but I just kept it bottled in. She kept telling me I must have 'bags of confidence for getting into a costume'. It wasn't like she was being nice though, she had to tell me every time I did it, I told her I had to get into a costume to go swimming, which will healp my weight loss...so at least im doing something.
about it.
The final blow was last night, she phoned up to have a catch up, and told me she doesn't think the band is working for me (she hasnt seen me since we came back). I told her I knew I needed another fill whe we were away, but I was still not able to eat anything like the amount i could do before. She said that it was rubbish & I was eating far to much on holiday. I was so angry, I told her she needs to keep an eye on what she eats herself instead of commenting on other peoples diet, and the fact is i LOST 4.5lbs the week we were away, so I couldnt have over eaten that much.

I came off the phone so angry, and I was venting it a little bit to richard, which I try not to do really, cos after all it is his mum. He told me on holiday that he was getting annoyed with her because every time I stood up & moved away from the table she was making comments about what I was/wasnt eating & telling everyone to keep their eye on me.
'im surprised you allow her to have cocktails, she is trying to lose weight after all' she said to him one night.
All I get from richard is 'you know what shes like'. yeah i bloody do know what shes like, and I'm sick of it! I'm honestly not having it any more. If he makes me go back to visit her we will be arguing constantly. I've bit my tongue for 3 years now, and Im not doing it any more. Shes a nasty woman & for someone who is meant to be so well educated, she lacks a lot of social skills.

I am really really angry now! I could scream.


haha

sorry for that huge rang guys.
i really cant vent at richard like i want to, because i dont want him to be put in an awful situation.
 
Arrgggghhhhhhhhhh, she sounds like a right orrible moo! You have massive self control, I'd have wrung her neck by now! There is no excuse for rudeness, especially when it hurts peoples feelings. If she is educated as you say she will know this, so she is just choosing to be nasty and I dont think you should put up with it either. I think you should have a very honest chat with Richard about how you feel, he should thebn speak to his Mother ( I wont call her Mum as Mums are cuddly nice things, and she isnt) and tell her she has to stop. I know shes his mother, but you are his wife/partner. If she continues after that then I think you should remove her from your visiting list :D Easier said than done, I know, but you dont deserve this hun, you are doing your very best to improve yourself and the last thing you need is some beastly woman dragging you down at every turn...........Good Luck (HUGS) XX
 
:whoopass::whoopass::whoopass:

The only way to deal with her is to Everytime, be straight back at her, I know this may feel hard to do, and I would suggest you pre-warn your other half that, that is going to be what you are going to do in advance and then maybe HE may just back you up if it gets heated...

IT SOUNDS LIKE MY MOM - Who is the most negative person on the planet, I have never had a positive comment during my Journey even though I know I have looked amazing at times, but never a nice comment.... so I understan d but I shut her up now by being frank and blunt straight back at her, it stops her in her stracks until the next time......

Hope you find a solution other than thumping her one....
 
Emma, my EX mother in law was the same, so i wrote her a letter a very controlled to the point letter, to be honest if i hadn't i think i might have done something i regret (like punch her in the face!), she got my then sister in law (they where the best of friends!) to send me a pretty horrid reply, however a couple of months went by (yes it was a bit difficult at the time with my ex because of what i'd done) & she turned up at my house & basically we said some hurtful things to each other but after that day things where fine, so maybe you could try writing a letter maybe run it by your partner before sending it (i didn't!!) Good Luck & please don't put up with it, why should you?! :)
 
Ugh I hate people like that, can you cull her or would that cause too much trouble with your partner? Maybe only speak to her when you have to and not answer her calls and get him to speak to her. I know its hard but ignore her comments shes just using other people to make herself feel better and that just goes to show what a pathetic person she is.
 
thanks for reading all that & your replies ladies

re telling richard, i have told him how she makes me feel, twice. but i hate the thought of him feeling bad about me saying things about his mum.
he has told me hundreds of times that he cant stand going back, he gets himself really stressed & wound up when he does...because shes constantly chipping away at him too. have you had a shower today? shouldnt you get your hair cut? when did you last have your teeth cleaned, go to the dentist. do you think you should eat that? you look like a tramp these days! can you please start shaving every day, im embarrassed incase family friends see you looking like that. richard go upstairs & get this, richard go and do that, richard can you go up on the roof & fix this. it honestly is constant at him, and although some of the things ive put there are quite mild, when its constant & sometimes much ruder, it does get you down. hes 41 now for goodness sake! when we were away she told him he was quite ugly now..as a child he was beautiful, but as a grown up hes is quite ugly. i was horrified. she wasnt saying in a joking manner either, she was saying it really matter of fact. he laughed it off to me, but i knew it hurt him really. if my mother said that to me, id be gutted.
he wont stand up to her though, hes gone 41 years of never dare answering back, and i very much doubt he will start now!
 
Ugh I hate people like that, can you cull her or would that cause too much trouble with your partner? Maybe only speak to her when you have to and not answer her calls and get him to speak to her. I know its hard but ignore her comments shes just using other people to make herself feel better and that just goes to show what a pathetic person she is.

i have actually told richard this.
i said to him, he can take alex back for visits but im not going to go for a while, until ive cooled down maybe. im not saying never again, but i dont need her around me at the moment.
i also told him im not answering her phone calls anymore, she can leave a message.
i felt quite harsh saying it to him, but its either that or big arguments, because im not keeping my mouth closed anymore.
 
Aw the poor man, hes had years of it! Im suprised anyone still speaks to this *loody orrible woman. I would just refuse to have anything to do with her, the way she speaks to your hubby is enough in itself but then shes so rude to you too! Urrgghhh, shes a waste of ozygen :D Ignore the moo, you are better than her and always will be ;) xxx
 
i have actually told richard this.
i said to him, he can take alex back for visits but im not going to go for a while, until ive cooled down maybe. im not saying never again, but i dont need her around me at the moment.
i also told him im not answering her phone calls anymore, she can leave a message.
i felt quite harsh saying it to him, but its either that or big arguments, because im not keeping my mouth closed anymore.

Youve certainly done the right thing, its not healthy to be about all the negativity all the time. Remind him about how it will affect Alex, maybe he might feel stronger to be able to deal with her if he thinks of it that way? x
 
I think love , I would limit her access to you and Rich and Alex.
She has nothing of value to give you at the moment and as a mother, should be ashamed of herself.

Unfortunately, a lot of people out there who should be giving us the best support, are doing the worse damage.

All that matters is your son , you and your partner. Only have people in your life regularly who enhance you and give only unconditional love.
That is what a family is supposed to be about, and wether someone is related to you or not does not automatically mean they are deserving of your time and attention.

Hopefully just doing as much as you can to limit contact and then ignore any ridiculous comments when you can't or straight away and with dignity, put her right on her stupid thoughtless remarks...hopefully she will either snmap out of the nasty or at least leave you alone to enjoy life.
I know she's Rich's Mum but look what she has done to her own kids! She is not doing anything useful for him or any of you.
Cut your losses and explain to Rich that you love him and Alex and only want people around all 3 of you who have your best interests at heart and actually care about you ..
People who care do not resort to emotional blackmail and downright cruelty..that is a control thing and nothing to do with real love so get some distance and don't be afraid to put your foot down.
 
OMG she sounds like a right moo a bit like my mum out law!! I got to the point where I just don't go to see her. If she hasn't got nothing nice to say to you then she should say nothing. You are doing amazing, please remember that. x
 
Well put, Nina. Excellent advice.

she always does have fab advice & encouragement!

I have promised myself for the past couple of years, that the once she makes any kinda of remark towards alex, that would be it...she wouldnt be seeing us 2 again. I can almost put up with it when its just me (although not anymore ha), but when it comes to alex, its completely different. although, saying that, she really adores him...if she was to start on him, it would probably be when hes a lot older. it wont get to that stage anyway because id have probably poisoned her tea by then

thanks for the advice ladies, its really appreciated

xx
 
The thing is love, Alex may be a little tot but he is going to start taking in all the negativity that she is aiming at you and Rich anyway....he will pick up on you two and your emotions and moods...you are the centre of his world and he will know if you feel angry / down etc...even if you never let it out in front of him, he will be able to pick up on it.
 
OMG what a moo indeed. Not only a moo but who is controlling but one who obviously thinks its ok belittle people she is supposed to love and care for. Whatever her issues are they are not yours or her childrens. I would definatly stay away from her for a good while and not take her calls. Let Rich visit her and take Alex (not sure what age he is hun) but i would make sure Rich was there too so she can't say anything to him. She is the one with the problems hun you are doing fantastically well and hold that head up high. Big hugs xx
 
i know that really, im amazed every day about things he says or has overheard others saying without me even realising hes noticed.
you are right, but im a bit scared of putting my foot down with richard. i dont want to give him an ultimatum sort of thing, i dont want to have to put him or his sister in a situation where im kicking up a fuss.
his sister is probably one of the nicest people i have ever met, seriously so lovely. when we were away we chatted for hours about her food issues & how her mum makes her feel etc. she said she knows shes weak for not standing up to her, but she just can not do it. it makes me so sad.

they both say they would never both going back to see her any more, but just before their dad died, he made them both promise they would visit her regularly because she lives in the midlands. he even said that hes put some money aside to pay their train fares...so when they visit, their mum always gives them the cash t cover the ticket. they both feel like if they dont go, they will be letting their dad down i suppose.

apparently when their dad was alive, he used to keep her in check a bit, but since hes died shes just gone mad with her rudeness.

it also makes me feel a bit sad for her too, because its obviously had such a huge effect on her being alone, but there is only so much sympathy i can give her!
 
OMG what a moo indeed. Not only a moo but who is controlling but one who obviously thinks its ok belittle people she is supposed to love and care for. Whatever her issues are they are not yours or her childrens. I would definatly stay away from her for a good while and not take her calls. Let Rich visit her and take Alex (not sure what age he is hun) but i would make sure Rich was there too so she can't say anything to him. She is the one with the problems hun you are doing fantastically well and hold that head up high. Big hugs xx

hes 2!
and thats what i told him today, that for a little bit just him & alex will be visiting her, as i dont want to end up saying something i will regret.

oh she also wants us to go there for christmas! what a joke that is. shes insisting its 'her turn'.
id normally just back down, but i cant think of anything worse than waking up there on christmas morning with a whole day of backhanded comments ahead of us.
 
oh I so would never visit her again and let Richard go alone if he has to visit her although its his Mother she doesnt really deserve his time either. The only concern I would have is sending your son to see her because ok its her Grandson BUT what will she find to pick on with him??? You dont want him having a complex or problems because of something she has said ohh no I would keep him away from her and then she has been punished as she has lost her son, Grandson and soon to be skinny daughter-in-law so head high and she is not your relative so tell her to stick it. I sure as hell wouldnt be going on holiday with her your a nicer person than I would be. Good luck
 
To me she sounds like a sad, lonely old girl with no idea how to express herself. She just lashes out at people with her tongue to make herself feel good.

I personally agree that you shouldnt tell your OH not to see her, he will eventually make up his own mind, it will come dont worry.

I would also phone her and explain to her why you are not going to see her. Have you heard of the broken record technique, it is an assertive technique.

Say something like, "I am sorry to have to tell you but I wont be visiting you anymore because you alway put me down and make me feel insecure".

She will probably go off on one, but you must not get drawn in in any way, just say

"I appreciate what you are saying but I wont be visiting you anymore because you alway put me down and make me feel insecure".

She will probably then go off on one again and you stay on track and say

"I appreciate what you are saying but I wont be visiting you anymore because you alway put me down and make me feel insecure".

Usually after the third time they will listen to what you say, at least you have been up front with her, not that she deserves it. If not you just repeat it like a broken record you then dont get thrown off track of what you want to say.

Only a another suggestion for you to think about. Good luck with her. You are doing so well and you dont want anyone spoiling it for you.

Oh why do OH's have to have MIL's:eek:
 
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