Not entirely weight related but...

[natashoorrr]

Hi all. This isn't entirely weight related but looking for some honest opinions.

I have been with my boyfriend for over three years now and I am looking for a commitment. He keeps saying he wants to get a house together but not until I'm debt free and I can drive. He keeps calling me Mrs Wilson (as in his surname) and talking about things I would like at 'our' wedding.

It has now got to the point where I am mere few months away from being debt free and on the brink of starting my driving lessons and I think reality has kicked in for him because he is being increasingly difficult.

His main goal in life is to join the police which I really admire (nothing sexier than a driven man) but despite various opportunities to apply - He only seems to want to join his home county's force (Northants) and stay where he is. This wouldn't normally be an issue except for the fact that the idea is, he would join a force closer to me (Derbyshire/Staffs) so that we could buy a house. I am on a pretty good wage and the perks of my job are such that I get to travel to various places for free (India, France, Italy to name a few).

He has also become a little jealous I suppose of the fact that I will be having surgery, since our relationship we have both inevitably put on pounds. Although mine totals around a stone - His is closer to 5. I put this down to him liking to finish peoples dinners and living off take aways.

He has mentioned a few times that when i'm really skinny I am going to leave him and or he will be the fat one and I won't love him like I do now.

To top it all off, I recently took him to Paris for the first time because he has never been and because of the op we can't really go on hols this year. We'll one afternoon he was feeling a bit peckish tut I really wasn't so he nipped to the McDonalds at the end of the road. THREE HOURS LATER he returned and said he'd bumped in to our tour manager and went for a few glasses of wine with him. I text him asking where he was and he just said "in the bar with Andy xx" no invite or anything like that and came back as if nothing had happened.

In all seriousness, I am losing my confidence in the relationship. To begin with his was this ambitious, responsible, decisive, funny guy. I knew I wanted to marry him, have children with him and build a life together. I KNOW I want to be a better version of myself - Thinner, successful, ambitious etc.

I don't want people to think I'm feeling this way because I'm holding out for somebody else. This genuinely isn't the case - I just feel like I deserve someone who is willing to put the same amount of effort in as I am. I don't want to be the girlfriend who is waiting 10 years for something that is never going to happen. Surely if he wanted it that badly he would have asked the question or tried to take this to the next level.

He will be the one that misses out when I am f**king gorgeous and he is sat at home alone shredding his receipts.

 

[natashoorrr]

Duh! I re-read this and realised I missed out the important bit! Do you think that its worth staying to see if my weight loss will trigger some effort on his part or has anybody had a bit of a relationship breakdown pre/post op? I do love him but at this point I'm thinking am I just putting up with it because of my size? Any thoughts would be welcome Harsh or not!!

 

[tubbytutor]

Hi

I'm lucky enough to have been married for 25 years- not all smoothly, but on the whole pretty good. I tell you this only to give you a little bit of background on the person who is talking to you.

In a word I think he is jealous. Jealous of the fact that you are obviously doing better than him and have set goals which you are determined to reach.

Men find it hard to accept a strong woman. Even though before I got married I swore I would be an equal partner, I have had to accept that he can earn more than me. It has taken a long time for me to accept that. He would never be able to do that.... His male ego wouldn't cope.

That's my issue! You just need to have look really deep into your heart. By writing this message I think you already know your answer?!!!?

 

[Yvessa]

Wow, this is a hard one, particularly as obviously, we've got only your side of the story. My obvious advice would be to talk it out so you're certain that its not going anywhere, but from what you've said he's the one pushing you away. Surgery is a hard one on our partners. They may well love us, but we do change. And I know mine felt a little 'left behind' as he put it. I have seen relationships crumble post op, and I've seen couples, like myself and my partner who are stronger for one of us being stronger. Ultimately if there are issues in the relationship already, my experience is that post-op life and the reality of the adjustment will blow them wide open. If you are already solid and your relationship is built on the right foundations it will grow with the changes in you. From what you've said, it sounds like it may well be time to move on.

 

[natashoorrr]

I do feel like he is pushing me away almost like he is doing it before he thinks I will. I think if I'm truthful he is all I have and I'm a little worried about what will happen without him.i invested so much time in us and your right maybe this is just the best way. His ego is already a bit bruised as I earn more than him so maybe I'm just not right for him.

 

[Yvessa]

I do feel like he is pushing me away almost like he is doing it before he thinks I will. I think if I'm truthful he is all I have and I'm a little worried about what will happen without him.i invested so much time in us and your right maybe this is just the best way. His ego is already a bit bruised as I earn more than him so maybe I'm just not right for him.

I would still definitely try talking about it. But you can't stay with a man for the sake of his ego. He has to be good for you too

 

[ThinnerJemima]

Just in my opinion

Don't do what I have done and waste 25 years of your life.

If he's not right move on and replace him with a better model.

 

[penelope1008]

I've been married for 29yrs we have had our ups & downs over that time. We've hung on thrown the suggestion of divorce around a few times in the bad patches but as I say hung on. Hubby loved my curves, loves my new slimmer shape, is perhaps a bit embarrassed by my wobbly bits & perhaps a little nervous about my new found interest in my presentation of myself. I don't do it to attract other men I do it because I feel more confident in the slimmer me & want to find a new look to reflect the new me without being mutton dressed as lamb.
My lack of libido hasn't improved despite my weight loss, but I'm more willing to accept his demonstrations of affection, without flinching away.
In ready to settle into sorting our home ready to market it, to downsize once our boys move out & planning our escape to our retirement dream in about the next 10-15yrs. We seem to be stronger for our family challenges since my op but then we have been together for over 30yrs now known each other for nearly 35yrs since we met at school. Its a lot to give up on, in your case as Yvessa says sit down & discuss your fears & concerns invite him to voice his to you may part but equally you may sort problems your fighting individually together making you stronger as a couple. Hiding from your concerns & them from each other leads to misunderstandings & confusion because our own insecurities reflect back on us & distort them blowing them up into unmanageable proportions. Don't let fear & insecurities destroy what sounds a good basic relationship, by talking you may solve them you may decide its time to walk away from each other only you two can decide that. If we haven't learnt that communication may not be a magic wand but it reduces misunderstandings & recriminations that can destroy the best of relationships.
Whatever happens I wish you the best, only you & he together can decide what's best for you as individuals & as a couple. I can't say it will be an easy ride for either of you but voicing your worries pre-op is better than proving his potential misconceptions right by ignoring them now. You won't have all the answers but opening an honest dialogue now can only help & give you a fighting chance of a positive future together if that's what you both decide you want. It may still not work long term only you two can decide how much work you want to put in or if you're going to be happier walking away.
Good luck, stay positive you've fought to get your finances etc straight & done it don't shy away from the tough questions & decisions now.

 

[natashoorrr]

Thanks Penelope

I am trying to figure out what to say to him as we havent spoken since yesterday. I got a bit shirty with him. He keeps saying he can't print off his application when I know its a simple right click and print jobby! So I said to him rather than lying, how about he just tells me he doesnt want to apply.

Even then he couldnt give me a straight answer.

I suppose I want to know where this is going. I want him to just talk to me rather than feel like he has to lie.

 

[penelope1008]

I find sometimes it helps you to write things down even if they're never said you get the anger & frustration even tears out & can then focus on what's the best way to say it or allow you to write him a letter calmly explaining your feelings & fears so he can choose to respond back either verbally or in another letter to you. Sometimes it seems childish for a grown adult to do it but when emotions are involved sometimes its a safe starting gambit to allow you to voice your feelings.
I don't envy you relationships are tough at times & very emotive even when everything's rosy.

 

[Yvessa]

If you can't say it then write it. Sometimes it can change the entire conversation if you've gotten all your thoughts out on paper.

 

[Samsara]

Hiya chick I just wondered if you managed to get things sorted with your partner. Hope you're ok x x x