O/T SO ANGRY!!!

[quetiapina]

Hi everyone, I'm so angry with my son. Basically for the last year he has been on the dole and living at home. He rarely gives us money for food (I'm on disability and pension and money is tight), he doesn't contribute to the bills and borrows money and always pays it back but late.
This is all my own fault I think but today he tapped my OH for £20 - he didn't bother to ask me as I have £1.70p to last me to Weds - he was supposed to pay me back a tenner yesterday. And then he went out with his GF, BY TAXI ( there is a direct bus) leaving the fan on in his room.
I'm phoning Swalec 2mrw to find out how much lec has been used and he can make up the difference.
OH and I have decided not to lend him any more money but he is such a charmer and I do want him to enjoy life that I fear I will give in - also, what if he starts borrowing from others and being unreliable?
He starts UNI in Sept and is hopefully moving to a house share. God I'm so angry with him - he has NO idea about the value of money - and it's all my fault.

 

[Snowcrystal]

Hi everyone, I'm so angry with my son. Basically for the last year he has been on the dole and living at home. He rarely gives us money for food (I'm on disability and pension and money is tight), he doesn't contribute to the bills and borrows money and always pays it back but late.
This is all my own fault I think but today he tapped my OH for £20 - he didn't bother to ask me as I have £1.70p to last me to Weds - he was supposed to pay me back a tenner yesterday. And then he went out with his GF, BY TAXI ( there is a direct bus) leaving the fan on in his room.
I'm phoning Swalec 2mrw to find out how much lec has been used and he can make up the difference.
OH and I have decided not to lend him any more money but he is such a charmer and I do want him to enjoy life that I fear I will give in - also, what if he starts borrowing from others and being unreliable?
He starts UNI in Sept and is hopefully moving to a house share. God I'm so angry with him - he has NO idea about the value of money - and it's all my fault.

Sweet heart, this is called emotional blackmail...and it's not them that does it...it's us mums...we blackmail ourselves.

We are in the same situation as your self in many respects...our boy is 23...started Uni when he was 18...he quit...and then came home....worked for a while...then went back to Uni again...he has another 2 years to go...we support him and even when he has worked we never took a penny from him...We paid for his first year at Uni...all the fees and literally bought everything he needed for living away from home including pots and pans, TV's and even paid for his mobile phone bill so we could keep in touch.

At the moment he is at the Reading festival, he left his room a tip...left his laptop on (that we bought him) and his TV (we bought him) still on standby on....He left all his dirty washing for us to pick up. etc etc.

The thing is, they are not bad kids (adults???), it's us we worry about them not being under too much pressure financially and mentally whilst studying...We don't want them to miss out on some fun.

I always worry (God this is going to sound ott) but I'm always scared that every time he goes out might be the last time I see him...........(I'm such a worry wart)...So that's why he has me by the short and curlies!

You are not alone...bless you.

(((hugs)))

 

[quetiapina]

Yes, I'm the same. What if he goes out and something dreadful happens, and my last words were angry ones. Thankyou Snow x

 

[Gail-michelle]

Dont be to hard on your self, Its because you care about him. it will all turn out fine in the end honestly we all do it. My son was exactly the same and now he has a beautiful wife and three gorgeous boys. Towards the end I did tough love on him and by god it worked , just like it will for you, Take care Gailxx P.S he will learn the hard way when he gets his own place leaving fan on ect no lecky left for a brew

 

[hopelesscase]

Boys will be boys but give me one over as girl anyday. I was the biggest ***** walking this earth at yr sons age. My son is 20 dropped out of 6th form but luckly took me seriouse when i said thats fine but find yrself a job. He did, it is well paid but still comes to bank of mum towards the end of the month. He runs a motorbike and
aways pays me back what he owes and also pays £50 a week board (he set that rate providing i do him a packed lunch each day)lol
He goes out leaving his light and radio on, never opens his curtains, clothes on the floor, bathroom a mess, expects me to take his dog for a walk and i wouldnt change a thing. After his accident last november that the police at the time thought was a fatality It made me realise that life really is too short and you never know what is around the corner.
I didnt grow up until i had my son at 26 but grow up and become responciable i did. Im hoping that he has the same gene as me only anothe 6 yrs to go.
I keep telling him as long as he doesnt make me a grandma he will carry on getting decent crimbo and birthday pressies but as soon as his mini me comes along its £20 in a card.
enjoy him whilst you can.
hc

 

[gaelic girl]

Yes we all have one. I can relate almost everything you have said about your son (and Snow's) to mine. Yes i too blamed myself, after my divorce from his dad,i met a real b...........d and couldn't see what was going on(hell basically) so i felt i had to make it up to him and i did by giving in all the time and continually defending him when i shouldnt have and boy did he take advantage! As mum's we take all their problems on board and somehow we turn that into self blame- part of our role i guess. My son has turned himself around thanks to his fiancee who keeps him in line and we are currently looking at wedding venues. Talk about unconditional love, tears,anger, worry, sucker for punishment, good cop, bad cop and loads more - that's the role of a "mum". But they come right in the end so Quetiapina i'm sure like the rest of us you will keep blaming yourself, but he will come good like the rest of our lovely boys.
Ps Snow nice to see you x

 

[thinkbethin]

Jenni it sounds to me like you have a normal son. My eldest is 21 and does'nt pay board and he too leaves everything on in his bedroom and his clothes all over the floor. My daughter at 19 is looking for work after being laid off in october so she does'nt pay board but she's really good with me by doing the decorating etc (I pay her a little spending money). My youngest son has just turned 18 and he too is looking for full time work but at the minute he just works 2 nights at a club in town so I don't take anything off him. Us mums don't like to think that our kids are going without and always give in to make ourselves feel better. Like you I would'nt want mine to lend from anywhere else so thats why we're so soft with themxx

 

[quetiapina]

Boys will be boys but give me one over as girl anyday. I was the biggest ***** walking this earth at yr sons age. My son is 20 dropped out of 6th form but luckly took me seriouse when i said thats fine but find yrself a job. He did, it is well paid but still comes to bank of mum towards the end of the month. He runs a motorbike and
aways pays me back what he owes and also pays £50 a week board (he set that rate providing i do him a packed lunch each day)lol
He goes out leaving his light and radio on, never opens his curtains, clothes on the floor, bathroom a mess, expects me to take his dog for a walk and i wouldnt change a thing. After his accident last november that the police at the time thought was a fatality It made me realise that life really is too short and you never know what is around the corner.
I didnt grow up until i had my son at 26 but grow up and become responciable i did. Im hoping that he has the same gene as me only anothe 6 yrs to go.
I keep telling him as long as he doesnt make me a grandma he will carry on getting decent crimbo and birthday pressies but as soon as his mini me comes along its £20 in a card.
enjoy him whilst you can.
hc

I think I get more annoyed with him - which is unfair, b'cos by the time I was his age, he was 2 and I was a single parent at University. Until I got too ill to work, I've always had a job since I was 13. His lack of work ethic makes me despair, but I love him so much just wants him to be happy.

 

[thinkbethin]

I think I get more annoyed with him - which is unfair, b'cos by the time I was his age, he was 2 and I was a single parent at University. Until I got too ill to work, I've always had a job since I was 13. His lack of work ethic makes me despair, but I love him so much just wants him to be happy.

Jenni all good mums put up with it just like you are doing. I suppose we don't do them any favours by being so soft with them but who'd want to get a job when there's the bank of mum?
I also think the saying is true that girls grow up before boys do and you having him when you did you had no choice but to be responsible. Its so different these days because we fear for them getting in with the wrong folk nd taking the wrong direction in life. Things will get better and one day he will realise that if he wants money then he's going to have to earn it. Hope you feel calmer now lolxx

 

[quetiapina]

Yes, I do feel a bit calmer, thankyou so much everyone xxx

 

[Mazza]

Jenni all good mums put up with it just like you are doing. I suppose we don't do them any favours by being so soft with them but who'd want to get a job when there's the bank of mum?xx

Your absolutly right Gaynor. I have four brothers, one older and 3 younger and at various stages in their lives they have caused my mum much too much stress and heartache. In comparison I was an angel (no really), did everything I could to help my mum - late night feeds for my younger brothers, washing ironing etc. Aged 17 I left home to look after myself.

Jen it will get easier when he goes off to uni, living in the shared accomodation he will have to learn to fend for himself and will soon learn the value of money. Im sure he will make you proud of him and will learn to appreciate all you have done for him x

 

[Lady_in_London]

Jenni, don't beat yourself up about it. Parenthood doesn't come with a manual and we all muddle along the best we can. Kids grow up so quick. One minute you are singing along with them the Postman Pat song and the next minute they are flying the nest. He leaves for Uni next month? That will be the making of him. He will have to learn to budget, clean, cook etc. You two will have a better relationship because of it.

 

[SOON SLIM SUE]

aaaaarrrrr bless him, the joys of having children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[vanilla-cupcake]

I feel sorry for you honestly I do but I have no time for people who sit about on the dole when they SHOULD be out working, you have let him use and abuse you for far too long, tell him to get out and not come back til he has a job, some tough love is needed, the dole is for people who genuinely need it and your son doesn't, there are tons of jobs out there and he should be taking the 1st one he gets offered. There are very few things that get my goat up but this is one of them..people on the dole and being lazy and scrounging off their parents when they clearly dont have the money to be giving in the 1st place, I seriously hope your not offended by my comment but if a friend had of said this to me I would be telling her exactly what I have posted on here. I started working when I was 15, my brother and sister were the same and we ALWAYS handed money in to my mummy, thats the way it should be!!

EDIT

I am so cross after reading everyone elses comments, are people afraid to say what they really think incase they offend you?? someone said he is a normal boy I actually dont know anyone who has treated their parents like this, its not normal, its lazy and disrespectful and I would be ashamed at 18 to tell people I wasn't working and scrounging off my mum, this world isn't a soft cushion, its life we all need to be working (if we are able to) and providing for ourselves and our families, you are not able to work so your son should be out working and bringing money home to YOU, you brought him up for long enough and its about time he returned the favour
Im a carer for my mum (she has lupus, fibromyalgia, raynauds disease and a host of other stuff) and get £53 a week for it, I put half of it away for my mum each month and give it to her every December, she gets £1100 to blow on whatever she wants, I dont have to do it, I do it because I want to, I dont work anymore cos I look after my children but up until the day I left work (4 yrs ago) I still gave her something every month or bought her something, she's my mum and I love making her happy

 

[quetiapina]

Jenni, don't beat yourself up about it. Parenthood doesn't come with a manual and we all muddle along the best we can. Kids grow up so quick. One minute you are singing along with them the Postman Pat song and the next minute they are flying the nest. He leaves for Uni next month? That will be the making of him. He will have to learn to budget, clean, cook etc. You two will have a better relationship because of it.

Thankyou Lady in London. I just fear that he will balls up uni. My OH and I are going to sit him down and tell him that his laziness cannot continue and that no matter how much and my OH love him, he is not coming back here if he fails. He has so many lessons to learn that he won't be learning while he is at home.

 

[quetiapina]

I feel sorry for you honestly I do but I have no time for people who sit about on the dole when they SHOULD be out working, you have let him use and abuse you for far too long, tell him to get out and not come back til he has a job, some tough love is needed, the dole is for people who genuinely need it and your son doesn't, there are tons of jobs out there and he should be taking the 1st one he gets offered. There are very few things that get my goat up but this is one of them..people on the dole and being lazy and scrounging off their parents when they clearly dont have the money to be giving in the 1st place, I seriously hope your not offended by my comment but if a friend had of said this to me I would be telling her exactly what I have posted on here. I started working when I was 15, my brother and sister were the same and we ALWAYS handed money in to my mummy, thats the way it should be!!

EDIT

I am so cross after reading everyone elses comments, are people afraid to say what they really think incase they offend you?? someone said he is a normal boy I actually dont know anyone who has treated their parents like this, its not normal, its lazy and disrespectful and I would be ashamed at 18 to tell people I wasn't working and scrounging off my mum, this world isn't a soft cushion, its life we all need to be working (if we are able to) and providing for ourselves and our families, you are not able to work so your son should be out working and bringing money home to YOU, you brought him up for long enough and its about time he returned the favour
Im a carer for my mum (she has lupus, fibromyalgia, raynauds disease and a host of other stuff) and get £53 a week for it, I put half of it away for my mum each month and give it to her every December, she gets £1100 to blow on whatever she wants, I dont have to do it, I do it because I want to, I dont work anymore cos I look after my children but up until the day I left work (4 yrs ago) I still gave her something every month or bought her something, she's my mum and I love making her happy

Hi Yummy Mummy. Yes your points are very reasonable and your annoyance is basically how I feel. I just wonder sometimes, because I don't do much during the day apart from house work when I am acutely unwell, that he thinks it is normal to do very little. Then when I am chronic I can do more - does he even understand the nature of the severe MH problems that I have.

I worked from 13 to 35 as well as bringing him up when I was at UNI and he was a toddler. When my illness became out of control and I was medically retired it was devastating. Maybe he can't remember having a hard working Mum.

It bugs the hell out of me - the lack of his work ethic. I love him so much but I've just had lec bill and it is twice what it was during winter because of the fan he uses in his room (and yesterday left on when he went out for the night). This I have taken away and he will have to pay lec bill.

Tough love is the only way. He is not going to learn about the realities of life while I am protecting him. He doesn't seem to understand that me being on Disability and a Teachers pension means that I am worse off than someone with my condition who never worked. I have to pay my mortgage, council tax etc whereas someone who never tried gets those (well rent) paid for them and thus in real terms is better off!

Any suggestions on what to say would be appreciated as I get so caught up in guilt ( which he plays on I think) and wanting him to be happy but at the same time not take the P**s out of me and my husband.

 

[Gail-michelle]

Thats why I did tough love on my son, it certainly didnt do him any harm. He is now a roofer working in kent. He surports his wife and 3 lovely boys. In fact he goes mad if I spoil my grandsons. As for my parents I never go a week without treating them. I bought them a new kitchen for there 54th wedding annerversary. I will continue treating them as long as i have breath in my body after all they are both my role models. Kind regards Gail.x

I feel sorry for you honestly I do but I have no time for people who sit about on the dole when they SHOULD be out working, you have let him use and abuse you for far too long, tell him to get out and not come back til he has a job, some tough love is needed, the dole is for people who genuinely need it and your son doesn't, there are tons of jobs out there and he should be taking the 1st one he gets offered. There are very few things that get my goat up but this is one of them..people on the dole and being lazy and scrounging off their parents when they clearly dont have the money to be giving in the 1st place, I seriously hope your not offended by my comment but if a friend had of said this to me I would be telling her exactly what I have posted on here. I started working when I was 15, my brother and sister were the same and we ALWAYS handed money in to my mummy, thats the way it should be!!

EDIT

I am so cross after reading everyone elses comments, are people afraid to say what they really think incase they offend you?? someone said he is a normal boy I actually dont know anyone who has treated their parents like this, its not normal, its lazy and disrespectful and I would be ashamed at 18 to tell people I wasn't working and scrounging off my mum, this world isn't a soft cushion, its life we all need to be working (if we are able to) and providing for ourselves and our families, you are not able to work so your son should be out working and bringing money home to YOU, you brought him up for long enough and its about time he returned the favour
Im a carer for my mum (she has lupus, fibromyalgia, raynauds disease and a host of other stuff) and get £53 a week for it, I put half of it away for my mum each month and give it to her every December, she gets £1100 to blow on whatever she wants, I dont have to do it, I do it because I want to, I dont work anymore cos I look after my children but up until the day I left work (4 yrs ago) I still gave her something every month or bought her something, she's my mum and I love making her happy

 

[vanilla-cupcake]

Hi Yummy Mummy. Yes your points are very reasonable and your annoyance is basically how I feel. I just wonder sometimes, because I don't do much during the day apart from house work when I am acutely unwell, that he thinks it is normal to do very little. Then when I am chronic I can do more - does he even understand the nature of the severe MH problems that I have.

I worked from 13 to 35 as well as bringing him up when I was at UNI and he was a toddler. When my illness became out of control and I was medically retired it was devastating. Maybe he can't remember having a hard working Mum.

It bugs the hell out of me - the lack of his work ethic. I love him so much but I've just had lec bill and it is twice what it was during winter because of the fan he uses in his room (and yesterday left on when he went out for the night). This I have taken away and he will have to pay lec bill.

Tough love is the only way. He is not going to learn about the realities of life while I am protecting him. He doesn't seem to understand that me being on Disability and a Teachers pension means that I am worse off than someone with my condition who never worked. I have to pay my mortgage, council tax etc whereas someone who never tried gets those (well rent) paid for them and thus in real terms is better off!

Any suggestions on what to say would be appreciated as I get so caught up in guilt ( which he plays on I think) and wanting him to be happy but at the same time not take the P**s out of me and my husband.

Honestly my heart is broke for you, I made my O/H read my last post before I posted it to make sure it was ok and wouldn't upset you!!

I know what its like having a mum who is ill, its awful and thats why I dont understand your son's attitutde, it's half your fault because you have let him get away with it for too long and im suprised at you because you have been working from your were 13 so I would have thought you would have instilled this in your son. My dad i'd say in his whole life has maybe missed 3 days off work, we were NEVER EVER allowed to take a day off work with hangovers, mild sickness etc unless we were on deaths door, thats what he tought us and I will be implanting this in my childrens heads once they are old enough. If you dont work YOU DONT GET its as simple as that!!

Can you turn the electric off in your son's room if so I would do this and tell him he doesn't get the electric back on until he gives you some money etc, im telling you now if he treated room mates at uni like this they would soon kick him out on his ar*e NO WAY would he get away with not paying any bills.......
If he comes in looking for dinner tell him there is none cos you have no money, anything he looks for just simply tell him NO, he'll soon get his act together and get a job.

We all love our children it goes without saying but mothering them doesn't do them any favours, my eldest are 7 & 4, to earn some pocket money every week they tidy their rooms, do some polishing & hoovering (even tho I have to re-do it lol) help me make the dinner, load the washing machine, water the plants etc..... they either save it for something they want in the toy shop, Jonny bought himself a new wii game last month or they go to the shop and get sweets etc, what im saying is they are already learning the value of money and know if they dont have it they dont get it its as simple as that!! Tough love is all you have left, he's old enough to know he should be working and supporting you while he still lives at home, stand up to him and tell him you aren't being taken for a mug any longer you need help and he has to start acting like a man, no woman will want him if he has a lazy attitude there is nothing more unattractive than a lazy man with no get up and go

Kate x x x

 

[iinklii]

But yummy mummy your kids aren't that age yet, many a slip twixt cup and lip.

I think this boy is very normal, for a child of our times. We all want to protect our children from the harsh realites of life for as long as possible. This is his last summer as a child. Yes he's taking the mick and needs to learn a lot of things pdq, but it's his last fling b4 he's out in the big bad. We know this and some of the latitude we give these enormous children is due to our own grieving for the loss of our babies.

He'll be on his own very soon. You'll have to sit him down and tell him you've drawn a line under this, and that the way forward is like this...

Maybe sell the fan and the telly to pay for the bill. Sorry sweetheart I've protected you from all this for as long as I could but here's a nasty dose of reality. We have no money to pay the bill and thats the bottom line.

He cleary hasn't understood the repercussions of his actions.

Good luck, hope it all goes well.

 

[vanilla-cupcake]

But yummy mummy your kids aren't that age yet, many a slip twixt cup and lip.

I think this boy is very normal, for a child of our times. We all want to protect our children from the harsh realites of life for as long as possible. This is his last summer as a child. Yes he's taking the mick and needs to learn a lot of things pdq, but it's his last fling b4 he's out in the big bad. We know this and some of the latitude we give these enormous children is due to our own grieving for the loss of our babies.

He'll be on his own very soon. You'll have to sit him down and tell him you've drawn a line under this, and that the way forward is like this...

Maybe sell the fan and the telly to pay for the bill. Sorry sweetheart I've protected you from all this for as long as I could but here's a nasty dose of reality. We have no money to pay the bill and thats the bottom line.

He cleary hasn't understood the repercussions of his actions.

Good luck, hope it all goes well.

Sorry I didn't realise my children had to be 18 before I knew what I was talking about, I wont ar*e lick on here if someone asks for advice I give it how I see fit and her son was clearly taking the p1ss out of her, im not going to tell her its normal cos I dont believe it is, if he were my son he'd of been kicked into touch 2 years ago when he was able to go and get a job not sit about my house and take all my money, if she doesn't want to take my advice thats up to her