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Cant stop crying!!!!

helen144

helen144

New Member
My post earlier was full of happiness i was so excited.

My dad has just been round and basically told me off and shouted at me like i was 10 years old, yesterday my mum said i dont agree with the surgery at all and i told her i didnt want her to agree with what i was doing just support my decision. (I was off with her, as i was upset)

So my dad just been round and and said we dont agree with what you are doing, your lazy, your taking the easy way out and will not and do not ever support your decision , you are being stupid, I know ive mentioned this before but this time it was so hurtful , im so upset I cant stop crying.

My happy day has turned into a nightmare, I have been off work for 3 months with depression (I have been bad) and he said you been sat at home on your arse when you could have been out doing something about your weight, if only it was that easy, this is the guy who told me from being 8 i was fat and as i got older that i disgusted him, dont get me wrong he doesnt mention my weight now cos he says he has accepted my size.

What if something happens to me during the surgery or if im making a mistake they will just say i told you so, i have decided im not going to tell them anything and that im just going to have it done without them knowing.

sorry if i spelt things wrong i cant see cos im so upset

Helen
xxxxxx
 
ahhh hun thats nasty im having gastrick bandidng done and my mum and dad dont want me to have it done to but they have said its up 2 me as long as im happy they are happy at this time u need support and imo the bigger u get the harder it is to lose the weight so if i was you i would take no notice even tho its hard and do what you have to do for your self and no one els but dont feel bad about having it x xx x xhope u feel better soon hun best of luck
 
I'm so sorry to hear about the arguement.
Perhaps they are just worried about you having the operation and what it means for your lifestyle longer term, without having any real knowledge about the subject?
I wonder if they might be a little easier if they had some literature to read through in their own time to get used to idea?

I completely understand how hard it is to do anything let alone diet and exercise when you feel depressed. If you'd broken your leg and had a cast on the wouldn't expect you to get up and do stuff but when people don't understand depression then they can be unhelpful with their comments.

Try and keep your chin up :)
xx
 
Awwww Helen, I feel really bad for you but Listen, Its your choice to have it and your not a little kid anymore, I know they are your parents, But tell them nothing, In fact tell them your not having it, But go ahead a do it!! Do it for you!! Your not fat and lazy, I also suffer from deppression and its not easy. Please don't be upset, I really do know how you feel and don't let them bully you anymore.
Do it for you babes HUGS XXX
 
Hi Helen,

I am sorry to hear that your parents are not able to support you in your decision to have WLS.:hug99:

If losing weight was that simple don't think any of us would have a weight problem:sigh:

You are an adult and as such have your own life to live and make your own decisions.

Sometimes, parents who are emotionally backward and come from that 'time zone' of not knowing how to express affection or care for their own children, adult or not...can sometimes transfer their fears back onto them in a negative way as your parents seem to be doing...when probably what they are trying to say is that they are very worried something might happen to you.


It might help to write them a letter and tell them how you feel and that you are not making this decision lightly and that you would appreciate as an adult that they would respect your decision and while they feel they can not support you with it, you can respect their view point, even though you find it difficult to understand.

No point in dragging up the past as this is probably one of the reasons they are on the defencive as they probably do feel guilty deep down.

Remember, all anger comes from a place of fear.

If you love them, tell them so...

Really, what more can you do.

We all have to cut the apron strings at some point in our lives and it is never easy.

You know what you want, you have the support of the medical profession...that leaves you having to make the choice that is right for you and you are the only one who knows that or can make this decision.


Emotional blackmail is never the right approach and it is the act of desperate people.

Life is a gamble and sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone in order to move forward or end up doing the same old thing and going around in circles for the rest of our lives.

Love Mini xxx
 
Mini said:
Hi Helen,

I am sorry to hear that your parents are not able to support you in your decision to have WLS.:hug99:

If losing weight was that simple don't think any of us would have a weight problem:sigh:

You are an adult and as such have your own life to live and make your own decisions.

Sometimes, parents who are emotionally backward and come from that 'time zone' of not knowing how to express affection or care for their own children, adult or not...can sometimes transfer their fears back onto them in a negative way as your parents seem to be doing...when probably what they are trying to say is that they are very worried something might happen to you.


It might help to write them a letter and tell them how you feel and that you are not making this decision lightly and that you would appreciate as an adult that they would respect your decision and while they feel they can not support you with it, you can respect their view point, even though you find it difficult to understand.

No point in dragging up the past as this is probably one of the reasons they are on the defencive as they probably do feel guilty deep down.

Remember, all anger comes from a place of fear.

If you love them, tell them so...

Really, what more can you do.

We all have to cut the apron strings at some point in our lives and it is never easy.

You know what you want, you have the support of the medical profession...that leaves you having to make the choice that is right for you and you are the only one who knows that or can make this decision.


Emotional blackmail is never the right approach and it is the act of desperate people.

Life is a gamble and sometimes we have to step out of our comfort zone in order to move forward or end up doing the same old thing and going around in circles for the rest of our lives.

Love Mini xxx
Click to expand...

Wow Mini, What A fab post xx
 
hey chick sorry your upset, you are making the right decission to have this done you have already told me that and I know you said your mom was being offish about it, but didnt realise it was as bad with your dad. You have to concentrate now on you and getting your date. Once you have got your op date you can mend your bridges then, when you have had time to get your answers and arguements together and can be prepared for such out bursts.
Depression is one of those things that because there is nothing physical people dont realise how it affects you. I am always about either on here or facebook or you can email me [email protected] If you need to. Be strong you sre doing it for you and those you love and because you dont want anything to put you at risk from not being their for your family. You work within the NHS and know the risks of ops and things. It is not the easy way out and your parents are just worried and concerend for you as probably a bit confused and lacking in knowledge. Get your head straight and you will feel better after the shock has worn off.

I am only ever at the end of the emial chick BIG ((((((HUGS))))))
 
aww helen, I really feel for you. Just at a time when you need the support of those closest to you, your parents feel they arent able to support your decision. I am sure they are only saying what they are saying because they love you and are worried for you, they are just not expressing it very well.

I have to say, Mini's post above was absolutely fantastic. If it were me I think I would put my thoughts into a letter as I know I would get too emotional face to face. You can explain in a letter why you are having it done. tell them how much you have to lose and that you have the support of your GP and the surgeon. Explain what a difficult decision it has been for you to make, and how it is a last resort as you have already tried to lose weight the "normal" way, and perhaps tell them some websites they can look at so they can understand the procedure.
 
Hiya Helen, Mini has said it all really, She's right in that you are an adult and you have to do what is right for you, live your life for you. My parents also are not very happy about my pending bypass, but they don't live in my life, im misrable and they don't see this, they just look on the negetive side of everything, instead of focusing on the positive side of things. They are also frightened for me and ignorent, they have'nt researched everything like I have. My mum reads all the bad stories in blumin Take a break and other mags and then this scares her. I just don't bring up the subject anymore and if they do I just say I dont want to talk about it, its happening END OF!
Hope all goes well and things get better for you.....chin up chucks.x
 
Hi all

Thanks so much for all your lovely replies, i still havnt stopped crying.

I would love to say that writing a letter was the answer but when ive tried to explain before how i feel they just say im talking utter nonsense, my dad especially doesnt believe that people can suffer with stress or depression.

I would also like to think that they are saying it because of the risks but ive heard so far is that its the easy way out and that i should have more will power.

im not going to tell them anything now, im just goin to do whats right for me.

Helen
 
Thats all I do chucks, it saves all the arguments and upset! My Dad is such a gloom merchant and unfortunatly it rubs off on my mum! I never do anything right in his eyes...but now i'm starting to just ignore them and its working for me, I'm feeling more positive than ever at the moment! Hopefully you'll find your positiveness soon, don't let them steal your thunder, its yours, you deserve to be happy . x
 
Last edited:
Hi Hun,

I felt I had to reply to you, if you have read any of my thread you will see on Christmas Day I had a huge argument with my dad, who I have to say has only just come into my life after 20 years...... what started it was him telling me I was stupid and selfish and I hadn't thought sensible about the operation.... and that I could of lost the weight doing things normally....

Their are lots of other issues between me and my dad, but the main problem is he doesn't accept I am now an adult...........

I am always here if you wanna chat, my email is [email protected]...

Thinking of you, sending you big hugs
 
Oh dear, that is such a shame. Why do parents still have this hold over us as adults?

Before I begin, here is a massive hug and warm supportive wishes from me.

Sometimes the older generation suffer from "Pollyanna" syndrome, thinking that the world is always rosy, safe and perfect. They come from a world where depression and stress were virtually non existent.

My mum can be like it so much. For example, today I went to my therapist for the first time and the first thing I get asked from my Mum is "So did that help?" What my parents fail to realise is this, I have clininical depression and it occurs frequently in my birth family. I am adopted by the way.

So now I have to ignore silly things like that and keep a distance about talking about personal health issues. I told them about my band and at first they thought it would be a miracle cure, like pop it in and watch it drop. S many times I have to explain it doesn't work like that, it takes time to get the adjustment right and to get the willpower to stop eating junk still. I am an emotional eater and that is why I am seeing a therapist to help me with that.

So my advice would be this, make a cuppa, or your favourite drink, sit down, take a deep breath and write down what could happen if you did not have the op and what could happen if you did. Then arrange to meet to talk with them on neutral territory (maybe at a relatives house) and present the hard medical reasons why this op is right for you.

Then if they still don't want to support you, don't say another word about it and get on and do it. There will be nothing they can do once its there and you don't have to tell them. Then if they ever find out and ask why you did not tell them, say something like this:-

"You did not wish to support an important medical decision I made to help myself get healthy therefore I chose not to tell you I had the proceedure. I am now getting fitter and healthier and life is good and positive!"

Please do not base a decision on what they think, look inside you and decide that you want to be healthy, that you are worth saving and that you have a ton of love and support from all us guys and gals.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide :)
 
Helen it's a shame your family aren't supporting you but please don't let this influence your decision to go for the surgery.Remember it's your life, and your body:D:D
 
helen, we all want suport from our nearest and dearest, its only natural, but as you have found out it doesnt always happen, i had the same problems with my father, so in the end we didnt actually tell him that i was having the band fitted until after the operation was done, i admit it was one hell of a burden to carry simply because i dont like lying to him, but i knew that if i did tell him he would make me feel guilty about having it done, and i also knew that if i didnt have the op done i would regret it for the rest of my life and probably blame him for not having it done. He wasnt very happy when he found out, but 8 weeks down the line and two stone lighter he has now realised what a changed person i am and is really happy for me, so helen you need to do what is best for you no matter what anyone else thinks because you will regret it if you dont. julie xx
 
Just to add - Cazbandy has a good idea, but maybe take a supporter with you? I know my parents took ages to realise that my decisions were made as an adult, they get stuck in a pattern of parenting and making our decisions for us.
When my parents would try to 'direct' my life, I would get so upset that I would cry - they wouldn't take me seriously and would take the tears as proof that I was a still a child who needed their guidance - not as disappointment and frustration!
Stay focussed on you and your needs! Involve them as much or as little as is comfortable for you - and try not to feel guilty.
Thinking of you!
Lxxx
 
Hi Helen, sorry to hear that your dad is not supporting you. i posted at the start of my journey regarding my parents lack of support and i struggled trying to understand why they felt the way they did.

choosing to have WLS is not lazy it is a very brave decision to make and we make this decision for the right reasons.

i hope you feel better soon hun x
 
A huge thankyou for all your messages of support for your email addresses, personal messages etc, i have no intention at all of not having this operation ihave made my decision and nothing will change my mind, ive decided not to tell my parents anymore about it, i have do what is right for me and my husband and children.

Thankyou so so so much, im so glad i have you all

helen
xxxxx
 
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