help! i am confused

[chezez]

Hi I wonder if anyone can advise me, I have been accepted for a gastric bypass and things are going really fast, the thing is my hubby ain't too happy he is in a mood with me been quite an arse about stuff I have so much going on my mind feels like its going to explode its like I'm in a battle with my head my body and now him. He is very insecure and I believe he is trying to sabotage my efforts of trying to get my health back, I have been quite ill with numerous stuff and I really dint have the energy or the wanting for the stuff in the bedroom department if you know what i mean. so things are at a head at the moment he has said he does not want to be with me he is sick of this relationship and wants out I say you know where the door is, but he still here making me feel guilty for wanting my life back, I believe he thinks that when I'm slimmer and back on my feet I'm going to leave him for someone else if I want to I would now.I want my surgery so bad I don't want to be ill any more I tell him this but it ain't getting through, I really don't think I have the courage to walk how can I get through all this on my own? I really am not in love with him anymore I love him dearly he has been apart of my life since i was 13 I'm 38 oh dear head going to explode lol xxx:sigh:

 

[Neen]

So he's using emotional blackmail to keep you unhealthy? Yeah I'm sorry love that's not a sign of real true unconditional love at all. That is control.
You deserve good health and long life AND someone who will boost you and your efforts to be slim and feel good inside and out...If he is smart he will stop being a selfish git and get behind you..if not then I think it's time to start valueing yourself and get yourself through this op...someone is going to come along to cherish you and treat you as you deserve no matter what...You are not repsonsible for this persons security...they have no right to make you feel bad out of convenience to themselves. I hope you can see that
Also you say you aren't IN love with him anymore and at the moment he is not even a good supportive friend to you either...don't be scared of being alone , you are capable of more than you realise, even though someone has been chipping away at your self confidence like it seems he has.
We'll help you and I'm sure your friends and family will rally round as well...take this opportunity with open arms and get free of the weight and take the chance to make life what you want it to be,...you will be so much more positive without having to wear yourself out bolstering him up all the time...let's face it, it doesn't look likely he will change his attitude at the moment...you can't put up with all that right now...this op is for you, and about your turn to get what you want...take the chance now and I know you will be better off in all areas of life.xxx

 

[chezez]

Hi Neen thanks love I think i am beginning to see the light this is something that I need to do a journey for me and if he ain't on the wagon with the support I need I go it alone, I know he is quite controlling and I have let him do it now I need to start taking my life back for me all my children are grown up youngest is 17 so they will understand, I'm going through loads of different emotions at the moment but at the end of it its all up to me to change thanks love xxx

 

[Neen]

Yep you only get one life...are you going to let him continue to drain your time and energy? Time for a change I think x
I just feel very strongly seeing my Mum suffer in a couple controlling relationships...a strong woman too in other ways.
I think you have done enough, more than enough for others...whatever he says now just remember...he's losing out in the end..I think is the fear of the unknown that is keeping you in that situation... you have to take a leap of faith a bit with this...what is screamingly obvious is he is NOT helping you when you need it most. Having to deal with the usual worries before an op LET ALONE his ridiculous selfishness and sabotage...god no wonder you're confused.
I feel so angry that he's putting you through needless stress on top of the anxiety you are going through anyway.
Let him storm off...get your loved ones who DO love you unconditionally and lean on them..and come tell us how you are as I know we will help anyway we can.
You are going to be OK xxxx You deserve to have this op and you definately deserve to start feeling good and loved and get that self esteem skyrocketing now xx

 

[dottychic]

I agree, this is your time. You deserve to be healthy and if he loved you he would want you to be healthy too. I think deep down you know whats right, its scary and I know its easier said than done but you really need to put you and your health first. Even at 17 and over your kids still want a healthy, happy Mum X Good Luck X

 

[Big an Bouncy]

Ditto everything the girls have said,if he truly loved and supported you he wouldnt carry on like this.Does he want to help you bathe and go to the loo?Nurse you when you have diabetes,breathing problems,poor mobility,heart probs,high bp,sleep apneoa.I could go on.Dont let your life pass you by.kids are grown its your time.Sorry I didnt do something sooner.You will be my age before you know it.Dont look back,look forward and if he doesnt want to go with you get a oneway ticket to your new healthy life without him.You are so lucky to be given the chance many would bite your hand off for.Only a few hundred are lucky to get surgery.Who knows they may cut back on them as this new government take hold of budgets.Maz x

 

[angie790]

Well, he's sick of your relationship & has had enough... why hasn't he b*ggered off already then? Bye bye, don't let the door slam you in the ar*e on the way out....

I agree with every post so far! He's using a clear case of emotional/psychological blackmail to keep things exactly as they are.

You may never get another chance at this & you are doing it for all the right reasons, to get your health back & catch up on what you've been missing out on...it's going to be a long journey with ups & downs along they way, so if he ain't behind you, ship out the excess baggage now.

I think it's time for crisis talks....tell him outright you are having this op whether he wants you to or not, so he'd better shape-up, shut up & instantly turn into Mr Sodding Wonderful, or you've packed his bags for him & he can go & get un-fed up with your relationship somewhere else.

You never know, he may surprise you (if you are laughing hysterically at that and he continues to behave as Mr F*ckwit), then do you really want to be with someone who values you so little that he would allow you to become housebound & disabled & totally reliant on him? If that's what he wants, I'm sure there is a website somewhere that can cater to his needs....as for you, before long you'll be kicking your heels up at some swanky party in a fabby dress like a real slinky minky thinking: 'This is what I've been missing!!!'.

 

[phatmomma]

I'm with the ladies above but just wanted to reassure you...

I too was with my now ex husband for 22 yrs with 3 children when we went our seperate ways (me on my own him with my best friend). There is life after long relationships and you deserve the best quality and longest life that good health will allow you. Your surgery will give you this. If it were me i would sit with the children and explain what is what with regards to your health and be completely honest with them. Explain your operation to them and how much support emotionally and physically you will need. I'm sure when they see what a completely selfish and controlling father they have they will be with you 100%.

Good luck, you sound like a strong woman and you will not only survive you will grow and be a stronger parent and woman for it xx

 

[chezez]

Thank you ladies very much I think I know deep down what needs to be done and I will be having my op with or without him this morning has just made my mind up for me, he has said finances need sorting out neither of are happy and he is looking for somewhere else to live until the time is right to sell the house. I have a long journey ahead of me and with all your support I will reach the end a happy slimmer and healthier MEEEEE thanks xxx

 

[StephieAck]

Hiya
I just wanted to add my support, you are going through a hard enough time at the minute without him adding to it, it does sound like its time to go your seperate ways and if you do or even if you dont, I would like to offer my support xx
Steph xx

 

[Stellap]

I totally agree with all the ladies above. You should do this for yourself and not for anyone else. Your health is more important than anything and if someone is willing to keep you in bad health for their own selfish reasons then that is clearly not love. You will be surprised how much stronger and happier you will feel once you are free of someone controlling and selfish. To be honest I think we tend to "make do" in bad relationships when we are big because we think we can't do any better (sad I know) and sometimes see it as a punishment for being big and lacking control with food, but losing weight gives us the confidence to sort out other issues in our life so you will probably find you won't be on your own for two long if you don't want to. You seem to be a very strong lady so I am sure you will get through this fine. There is life after long relationships and you can even get to the stage where you look back and think "why did I stay so long". Good luck!

 

[thinnerangela]

No more words of wisdom than those already said.

My hubby would prefer me curvier - and we did separate for several years cos of his drinking - ill health bringing him back to live with us - but all in all I think we are happier and more settled now I've had my surgery.

And I seem to have the confidence not to put up with any nonsense and not to be a drudge!!

Life will settle for you - don't let him browbeat you

Hugs

Angela xx

 

[zns]

If he were my husband he'd have been out the door already, if you are unsure about leaving/kicking him out perhaps relate might be an idea?

 

[gaelic girl]

Can't add any more wise words except to agree with all the lovely ladies! This is about YOU not him and don't ever be afraid to be on your own, i have been where you are now and was terrified of being on my own but i did it and managed fine and my son was only two. Granted that was a long time ago but you will be able to do this and we will all be here for you to support and encourage you and certainly not to control you! Good Luck and big hugs x

 

[chezez]

A little update, the same things are happening he is been really nice getting me so confused I am trying to stick to my guns I do love him very much but I know things wont change no how matter how much he says he will it will be OK for a month or so them POW back to me feeling crap and not wanting to be with.I told him that it ain't going to work and I want out so now we will just see what happens. The house is in both names so that has to be all sorted I just hope I can stay strong and he does not hammer me back down in to the ground. xx

 

[J-Mo]

Life is too short & too precious to waste. If he's not happy then like everyone else has said, he should ship out. I hope you get the resolution you want. Stay strong ;-)

I wasted 13 years of my life with a physically & mentally abusive bloke. The only two good things to come out of my relationship were my son's. As a victim of physical & mental abuse I know that the mental scars last a lot, lot, lot than the physical. It sounds to me like he playing mind games.

 

[gaelic girl]

Stay strong you can do this and sometimes "love isn't enough" you do what is right for you hunny but don't give in if you feel his niceness will be short lived. PM me anytime you want a chat xx

 

[12dobidog]

chezez
From a blokes point of view your other half sounds like a right pratt. Communication is key and you need to tell him everything that you feel. Do you think you would get support from the kids if you had a family meeting and put the cards on the table. Or start giving him a hard time by not doing anything for him until he gives you the support you so deserve.
I find it so hard to unterstand why he is not supporting you all the way as I have such fantastic support from my whole family and friends
Good luck with him, you never know he might grow up one day. Dont forget we are all here for you:grouphugg::grouphugg::grouphugg:

 

[maxsmum]

Sounds to me like hes really insecure ... not an excuse for acting like this, and you certainly dont need it at the moment .. Some people feel better when in control of things and it sounds like hes one of them !! You need to be healthy and live longer for your family, which may or may not include your hubby !!

I wish I could help you more as my mum and dad had this kind of relationship for 38 years before separating, which was really hard for us and them ...

Hope you find your answer soon

Sally Xx

 

[thinkbethin]

Life works in mysterious ways sweetheart so what will be will be. think of yourself now. Your health and happiness is far more important than a domineering man. Sending you loads of hugs and courage to do whats right for YOU xxx