how NOT to turn to food when stressed!

[angelica13]

Hi all,

Not posted for a bit, but I would really appreciate some help.
I have had a horrible couple of weeks - my Dad has been in and out of hospital, lots of tests and visits. He had a knee replacement before Christmas, then got pleurisy after Christmas, and then when that had cleared, the hospital found that he has a massive pulmonary embolism (blood clot in his lungs) which he is now receiving treatment for. He is slowly picking up and feeling better.
My teenage son has type 1 diabetes and has, for the last few weeks, been rebelling against it, and is not checking his blood much at all. Obviously this has caused much worry, and I thought we'd got through to him, to find that as soon as we gave him a bit of independence back, he stopped checking again. I have hospital appointments coming up for him, and have spoken to his nurses for help, but when he's out of our sight - at school etc, it's his responsibility to check his blood. We have now told him that he has to earn our trust back, have not been letting him out much at all - only short periods, so we can keep a check on his bloods, but this in itself has caused rages, and arguments and lots of horrible feeling in the house. We are sticking to our guns with him - it's just too risky for his health, but it feels like a constant battle at the moment.
Anyway - as a result, I have been grabbing ready meals, take aways, and comfort eating lots. In the past couple of weeks I have put on 5 lbs. I WILL get it off again, but I feel like I need to have a stern word with myself!
I know it sounds ungrateful, but please don't post the things I've been telling myself - well, it's a horrible time, you feel low, stressed etc. I need to learn some new coping strategies, not fall back into terrible habits and excuses. I need to get my head back into wanting to eat healthily.
So - how do you cope with stressful times, without turning to food? Would very much appreciate any suggestions and ideas.
Thanks, Emma

 

[Yvessa]

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time

First things first, although it probably goes against every instinct you have, you need to back off on your son a little bit. Otherwise this cycle will just get worse - he's angry at you and refusing to check his bloods is a way of getting back at you that he knows will annoy you. Then you clamp down and he gets angrier.
With regards to other ways of coping; exercise - even 10 minute walk might help, meditation, maybe taking up a hobby or reading a book you've always wanted to read? Basically the only way I've found to cope is to have some time to myself where I do whatever I please - and it helps.

Hope this helps

 

[Raynebubble]

spending time with your friends and talking as much as you can so you dont bottle things up.... and big hugs from me... im sending you loads xxx

 

[Ruthiep]

Having brought up eight teenagers, I agree; back off on him. He has to learn to be responsible; maybe by even getting a serious side effect of his diabetes once, so he realizes that checking himself isn't a joke, it's mandatory.

On a much lighter note, it compares with when one of my sons never got ready in time for school. I was so sick of yelling and nagging him to get dressed, his ride would soon be here, that just once I didn't yell at him, and let him still be in pyjamas when his ride came, and that's how he went to school. Needless to say, after that, he was up and dressed in time.

 

[angelica13]

We have already had one hospital visit - we were in the children's ward until 3am with him - being violently sick, shaking, and thinking that he was going to collapse on the way in. That was just after Christmas, so we were sure that he would have learned a lesson - he was very scared, but soon stopped checking again.
We have had to stop him sleeping at friends, which is the main thing that he wants to do - one night he had gone very very low at 2am. Had he not picked it up, they would have probably not been able to properly wake him up in the morning. It's just not fair on his friends' parents.
I know I'm coming across as defensive, and don't mean to be - just so worried about him! He'll check it fine at home, I think it may be to do with checking in front of his friends. Saying that, he is giving himself lots and lots of insulin while he's out - they're obviously eating sweets or whatever, but he's just not doing the blood checks to make sure that he's on track with his insulin.

 

[Ruthiep]

That must have been very scary, but he is still using his (lack of) checking as a power weapon against you. Whatever pushes your buttons; and he's found one helluva button.

The best and probably only way to get him to be responsible is to tell him, if he doesn't check himself, and ends up going to hospital, you're not going to take him; he's on his own. If it actually happens, it will be the scariest thing that you will have to do, but you'll have to stand firm or he'll never believe you'll actually do it. I doubt it will come to that, if you make him believe your threat, he'll take it seriously and be too scared to risk putting it to the test. Right now he thinks you'll cave.

 

[lamornamiss]

Have your GP or hospital got a diabetic group for teens
Teenagers don't want to listen to us oldies but someone in his age group might be able to get through to him.

Check these sites

For Teens

Teens - Diabetes UK

Teenagers in control - Diabetes UK

 

[newcy]

DO NOT back off. DO NOT threaten to not help him if he gets sick. MAKE him do as he's told.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't easy dealing with teenagers and sometimes the more you push, the more they rebel BUT my friend's son died at 14 because he hadn't told his Mum that his bloods had gone through the roof and when she found out he promised he could be trusted to take better care of himself and check his bloods regularly. He died a few months later and his parents have never forgiven themselves.

I don't want to scare you, I'm sure your son will be fine but sometimes we have to play the bad guy and be the parent. Backing off from teenagers doesn't work, they just think they can get away with it - a bit of old fashioned discipline works best (I don't mean the birch) you're doing the right thing taking away his treats. Maybe make him do his bloods in front of you and reward him for being responsible. Good luck hun - it isn't easy!

As for yourself, I find a nice soak in the bath helps me to relax and doing something with my hands like sewing stops me from eating things I shouldn't. As it sounds like you're struggling for time to make good meals why not buy in weight watchers ready meals then at least you can grab something without feeling guilty afterwards x

 

[Yvessa]

I'm sorry, I understand where you're coming from but I really don't agree. I am a strict parent - what I say goes. I don't abide poor discipline nor manners. But equally you can't 'make' someone do something if they're determined not to. I agree with Lamornamiss, maybe some support from others his age will help

 

[lamornamiss]

DO NOT back off. DO NOT threaten to not help him if he gets sick. MAKE him do as he's told.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't easy dealing with teenagers and sometimes the more you push, the more they rebel BUT my friend's son died at 14 because he hadn't told his Mum that his bloods had gone through the roof and when she found out he promised he could be trusted to take better care of himself and check his bloods regularly. He died a few months later and his parents have never forgiven themselves.

I don't want to scare you, I'm sure your son will be fine but sometimes we have to play the bad guy and be the parent. Backing off from teenagers doesn't work, they just think they can get away with it - a bit of old fashioned discipline works best (I don't mean the birch) you're doing the right thing taking away his treats. Maybe make him do his bloods in front of you and reward him for being responsible. Good luck hun - it isn't easy!

As for yourself, I find a nice soak in the bath helps me to relax and doing something with my hands like sewing stops me from eating things I shouldn't. As it sounds like you're struggling for time to make good meals why not buy in weight watchers ready meals then at least you can grab something without feeling guilty afterwards x

I have got to agree 110% with this advice
If anything happens to angelica13 son due to her "backing off" how could she live with herself.
I have gone through the teen years one difficult and one a bloody nightmare she is 19 now and I still feel as if I have failed her (very long story but running away and putting her self in dangerous situations) she still isn't sorted now but as she is an adult now there isn't much I can do.
Teenagers need parents to be parents not friends.
We need to nag them to tidy their rooms and to eat their veg to be in at certain times and most of all let them know we love and worry about them.
Ask their school for support but DO NOT let them learn the hard way when it come to a difference between life and death

 

[TempleBelle]

I think teenagers forget we were once teenagers ourselves ( well if I can remember that far back lol ).

I am not going to say best way to do it is to be hard/ back off, not my place to, but do agree, maybe getting him to join a group, even if, like us, it is online to talk to people his own age going through the same thing might help.

As for naughty nibbling, I am trying the cleaning my teeth when I feel the urge . Nice to keep the minty freshness and foods just don't taste the same after a Macleans moment ............. wine is even worse ! !

 

[angelica13]

Thank you all for posting - wow, certainly different views.

I am, of course, aware that the side effects of not checking his blood can be life threatening. Or, at the very least, he is putting his future health at serious risk - he could lose part or all of his eyesight, he could suffer kidney failure, and we are talking in a short space of time, as newcy said. He is only 13, and has had diabetes since he was 11, so he could have some serious complications as early as his 20s. And that's a BEST case scenario. It's just too dangerous to back off completely.

I guess I must have made it sound like I'm shouting and screaming all the time. I'm not! In reality, we try to compromise, we give him things to work for, reward him when he is doing well. We have had lots of calm conversations, but it has been a big shock. He has had diabetes for 2 years, and we couldn't have asked for a better attitude from him, up to recently, he has been so sensible taking brilliant care of it all.

I really don't think he's trying to get back at me - when he's at home, he checks his blood fine, he comes and asks for advice. What we had found - again, I didn't go into much detail, just made it all sound like a nightmare! - was that he stopped checking his blood at school and he had a couple of sleepovers, where he gave himself lots of doses of insulin, without checking his blood at all. So - he had swung from highs to lows.
After we found his results on his monitor, we had a good talk and explained what could have happened, the effects, and how unfair on his friends' parents he was being. He was apologetic, and said all the right things, but we did tell him that to sleep over anywhere, we had to be able to trust him to do it properly, and that he wouldn't get many chances.

He had another sleepover a couple of weeks later, and did the same thing - his monitor showed lots of insulin given, without any blood tests. He had gone very low at 2am, and had felt ill enough to check it then. So, when we found all this on his monitor, he was told no more sleepovers, until he builds some trust back up - hence the rages (his!) and arguments (all of us!) etc. He just says he "forgot" but he didn't forget to do insulin.

We are seeing the diabetes nurses soon, and I want to ask them to chat to him alone, as he may open up more to them. Obviously we have wondered if he's embarrassed by doing his finger pricks, but he gives his insulin with the same monitor (he has an insulin pump). When he is back at school, I will see if the school nurse can help, and I will definitely check out those websites posted - thank you lamornamiss.

Thank you all for your views - I do have lots of support from family and friends, but I guess in the end, we all do whatever it is that we feel is the best and safest things for our kids. I'm not a total dragon - honest! BUT - there are some things that I cannot let him do - the consequences would be devastating.

I think that reading this and posting has, in itself, been like therapy - haven't eaten anything while typing and reading and thinking about replies! So thanks!
x

 

[newcy]

Sounds like you're handling it well and he's being very grown up about it - except when with his friends, which is understandable! Maybe a support group/forum might help him to realise he needs to be just as responsible when with his friends as he is as home.

Glad talking about it has helped and hope you manage to work it out x

 

[angiemason]

i don'y really know but do you think it could be he has suddenly realised this is for life and not a couple of years and is struggling to cope with that ? it's very difficult for him to deal with something like this when all his mates can have what they like etc ...anyway what about a nice bath with lots of bubbles and candles to take your mind of everything including food xx but if it's really hard to eat properly i agree weight watchers meals or tesco etc light meals they all give the protein content etc xx good luck and take a great big hug from me xxx

 

[lamornamiss]

We are seeing the diabetes nurses soon, and I want to ask them to chat to him alone, as he may open up more to them. Obviously we have wondered if he's embarrassed by doing his finger pricks, but he gives his insulin with the same monitor (he has an insulin pump). When he is back at school, I will see if the school nurse can help, and I will definitely check out those websites posted - thank you lamornamiss.

Ask the nurse if she knows of anyone that has been through the same problems that will speak to him and be a buddy or mentor.
I know that there were some sportsmen and footballers that have done some sort of buddy programme But that was a while ago

 

[OOnion]

Don't most 13 yr olds just want to be like every one else? I can understand him "forgetting" to test...let's face it most 13 yr old boys forget most important things teeth, washing, homework, bedtime etc! I am not a mother but I am a diabetic nurse and I honestly think that this "phase" comes at some point with all teenage diabetics - he has only been diagnosed 2 years which is a really short time to adjust in reality.
You keep up the good work of support and firmness and he will slowly come round to taking responsibility for himself; a few admissions with DKA and that normally does the trick. Evolving his friends with some hypo teaching can often take some of the stigma away, for both friends and patient, this may also reassure you when you do go back to letting him go on sleepovers. Good Luck xx

 

[angelica13]

Thank you so much for all of your words of support, and some fantastic reassurance for me - thank you Oonion especially! We've had a couple of really good days, fingers crossed that it continues (I'll take for a little while!)
I'll definitely look into a support group or forum, and ask the nurses about buddies, or local groups.
I had a lovely afternoon today with my youngest (he's 5) and my parents walking in the park. My Dad looked, sounded and said he felt, a lot better.
Here's hoping that that was just a "bad patch" that is now behind us. And if there's another, then I'll come on here and ask for support and advice again. Feeling positive, now I just have to get rid of that damn extra weight!
Thanks again,
Emma x

 

[Bellydancer57]

How about this?

Bach flower essence blend 'letting go' 4 drops under the tongue 4 time daily.
Get them in good chemists or natural health shops.
All natural herbs & flowers. Won't scupper dieting.
Worked for me when I had major meltdown last year with mum in hospital.