Just a diary

[Helski]

So I was banded last November, lost 17lbs at the beginning and not really anything since then. Well I've lost and gained the same 4lbs about fifty times. Well, yesterday was a breakthrough for me and it's only a tiny step but I managed to consume just 1100 calories. It's not a big deal for all of you dedicated dieters out there, but for me it is quite a milestone. I have not been able to do a whole day for about three years now. There is something wrong in my head, some kind of self harm mechanism that is stopping me, so for me this is a huge deal.
Comments from my Mum last week about it not working and a comment from my sister on Saturday about the size of my arse, unbelievable really, that they just don't understand that i am an addict, a food addict, but an addict nonetheless. They all think 'why can't she just lose weight'. If it was that easy I would have done it years ago. Well I have, but then I've always put it back on. I hate this battle it consumes my thoughts. I am such a capable person in so many aspects of my life but when it comes to food, I just shove it in. I don't believe that I will have a problem, I don't believe that I will stretch the pouch, it's as though I am pushing my body to the edge, like some kind of weird internal torture. God, I think I'm mental. All of this is going on inside my head, no-one knows, no-one asks, it's so crazy.
I thought I would start this diary as a way of releasing my thoughts on to paper in the hope that I can read it and put some kind of perspective on things. So here we go into Day 2, come on girl you can do this.

 

[los in it]

Hello helski
First off your not mad or mental just an addict like we all are to different degrees .its a shame that your family are not more understanding of what your going thru
Everyone here is so supportive tell us if your unable to talk to your family and friends

 

[Chrisyd]

Hi Helski - you are not in anyway mental - we all know what you are going through and those who have not had major weight problems do not understand. I have lost count of the number of people who say 'just eat less and exercise more' - as if it is one of the secrets of the universe that I haven't been told. Well done for yesterday and good luck for today.

 

[sharon2014]

Hey love, its not easy even with the tools we get through WLS, just try to focus on all the things to look forward to...thats what I am doing currently and it keeps my head more or less on the straight and narrow!

sorry your family are not supportive and sometimes that is worse than our own fears.

Take it back to the start like you have just been banded, try to increase water and protein - I use the UFIT shakes which have 22g protein and help me with my hunger...taste like milkshake and low cals!!

i wish you the best, I know you can do it!!! xx

 

[Kar8858]

Totally agree, its like alcohol or gambling, it is an addiction, its weird! Go back to the start, use your band, stick with the calorie reduction, you can do it.

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Congratulations on taking this huge step ............... writing your thoughts down will help.............goodness knows its helped me over the months............ its put everything into perspective its like seeing things in the mirror almost like a third party. Of course you have the support from us guys too I'm sooooo pleased something clicked the other night when you reached out for help..... ....for me i believe the forum and all the wonderful peeps here are the key, it helps to drive each other onwards...........after all we all know where your at, because we've all been there that adiction its never going to disappear overnight, but with an awful lot of introspection i think we can overcome one day..... and every single day is one step closer There is no magic cure, with or without our tools it still takes strength and determination on a daily basis......... i try to say to myself 'just for today' and it helps .......... so again just for today you will try to stick to 1100 cals and tomorrow the same and soon enough it becomes easier and second nature, up the exercise too and by the end of the week and there is movement on those scales the motivation will carry you thru to next week and beyond. hugs sweetheart, i look forward to reading your posts x x x

 

[Willow4]

Hi Helski
Just to say we are all behind you, cheering you on.

 

[Helski]

Thanks peeps, it's so nice when people take the trouble to respond. I've had another good day so far. Not perfect but okay. I didn't have cake when my friend was buying some for herself. But I did pick at the roast chicken when I was serving up my husband's dinner and got some stuckage, but that has passed and I'm trying to leave it at that for my supper. Another day done, well almost. Thanks again. H x

 

[tweetybaby]

Totally know how you feel and im at the start of my journey

Received an email today with these wise words. I do not take the credit.


Doing The Same Thing All The Time

our bodies are clever, they adapt to things very quick

we had a guy who use to come in the shop

7.15am every morning

turn left at the doors & pick up a 6 packet of crisps

^^ cheese & onion ^^

then onto to get a small bottle of coke

round the corner to the fresh stuff

a green top milk & little warbies loaf

he would always stop at the ready meals

but never pick one up (strange but made me laugh)

then onto the tills

pick up a mars bar

sun news paper and pay

always a £10 note and never got a bag

every single morning he would do this

even a weekend and bank holidays

one morning he came in

repeated that whole journey

exactly the same

got to the paper stand and just stood there

he stood stood looking

didnt raise his head, just stood staring

that morning we had moved the paper stand next to the doors

he had done the same thing for so long

he had got to a stage where he could do this while he slept

^^ he didnt talk, maybe he was alseep ^^

it was registered into him exactly what he was getting

he didnt even realise he had walked past the papers as soon as he walked through the door

everyone who came in the shop

it was the 1st thing they saw

yet he didnt see it!!

this is the same with you

if you go the gym to do the same cardio workout

if you eat the same thing everyday

your body will stop responding to what you're doing

you will will stop seeing results

this usually means a crash diet

rapid weight loss

binge on food

rapid weight gain


Ive been on this circle a few times!

 

[WeightlossDreamer]

hiya hun!
First off well done on the 17lbs, thats still over a stone and a fantastic achievement which should be celebrated regardless of how long you feel its taken!

Secondly you need to update your stats that will make you feel better too!

Thirdly time to start proving your mum and sister wrong it takes hard work and dedication but i think the fact you've started this diary says you are so ready for this. Draw strength from the people on this forum. I do everyday and i have to say i dont even use the forum just for weightloss. My diary completely encompasses me my highs my lows and all my struggles. I find it easy to be open here and writing here helps me keep myself in check.
Just remember cut down portions make sure your eating non sloppy foods solid protein which wont just slide through your band. That way you will start to feel fuller for longer too x

Good luck x x

 

[Helski]

Thank you all. Day 3, so far so good. Avoided all snacking so far today. I've bought a whole batch of HW Weigh to go meals. So I think I'll try one of those tonight. Got family staying so they can have a 'normal' dinner. I'm working hard at this. Thanks for the support. I really do feel like an addict! I wish everyone could know how hard this is, no-one wants to be fat!

 

[yvonne83]

I'e had family stay this weekend who have made me feel even more miserable about myself, why they cant see they make matters worse I dont know - but chin up! we can do this, we can get lots of support on here through this wonderful forum.

We can do this! xx

 

[Chrisyd]

We can do this - and family can often be the worst and relish being 'truthful' - or rather hurtful. One of my sisters says that my op is the motivation she needs to keep slim as there is no way she is going to let me be the slimmest one... Sigh. I keep telling her that life as not a competition x

 

[Helski]

Isn't it so sad - family, the very people who should love us unconditionally, hurt us so deeply. They have no idea what they are doing.
I've not had a bad day today. But old habits really do die hard. And I had cooked the rest of the family a really tasty pasta dish, the kind of food that I love. So I had my meal waiting for me in the mwave but I just HAD to taste the pasta. It looked so yummy, so I grabbed a great big fork full of food and shoved it into my mouth. I knew, knew, knew that it would hurt and sure enough I got quite serious stuckage. It really hurt and took ages to move through. I was scared that it was stretching the stomach above the band - eventually it passed. But it was not nice and I was very stupid to do it.
That is why I can empathise with Paul Gascoine when he has another drink when he knows it might kill him. Addicts just keep doing it! Hopefully no harm done. Still under 1200 cals today. Nearly bed time so I'm safe now. I can't believe what I do to myself. I'm the person that everyone comes to for advice....... so weird. xx

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Wd hunni and another fantastic day I so know where your at right now, i've had a tough picking week, and its so hard to get out of that state of mind once your there...... don't they say it takes 21 days to break a habit ........ so just keep on one day at a time........ for me it will be crunch day tomorrow when i weigh..... i just pray i've not done too much damage ughhh but lifelong habits do die hard unfortunately. Good luck tomorrow for another fantastic day x x x x

 

[Chrisyd]

It's as much about training our heads as it is our tummies. Hang on in there you can do it and it's fantastic that this forum allows us all to do this together xx

 

[Helski]

Day 4, so far, so good. No snacking. Still got 700 cals left according to MFP. HW meal lined up for tonight and hubby's got leftovers so nothing for me to nick. We're going to a funeral tomorrow so I mustn't confuse emotion with hunger and eat to quell it. Wish me luck, it's going to be a tough one. The deceased was a really amazing person, very sad.
Thanks again for the support. xx

 

[Chrisyd]

Day 4, so far, so good. No snacking. Still got 700 cals left according to MFP. HW meal lined up for tonight and hubby's got leftovers so nothing for me to nick. We're going to a funeral tomorrow so I mustn't confuse emotion with hunger and eat to quell it. Wish me luck, it's going to be a tough one. The deceased was a really amazing person, very sad.
Thanks again for the support. xx

Well done today - you are doing well. Commiserations for your loss and I do wish you luck for tomorrow. Emotional eating is so normal to many of us on here - including me. Keep strong xx

 

[Helski]

Starting today on a positive note - I had a sneaky weigh in this morning and I've lost 4lbs since Monday, so I'm very happy about that! Now today will be a challenge and tomorrow we go on holiday for ten days. So that will be a big challenge, it's self catering but it's the vino that will be my downfall. So I will try and stay strong and remember that this is a very long journey. But I feel better already.
Keep the emotional eating at bay...... must remember it doesn't actually make anything better, in fact, it's the opposite as then we add that to the 'beating ourselves up' list!
Good luck everyone xx

 

[Crystalrainbow]

Well done hunni your hard work and determination paying of already so sorry for your loss but very well done on getting thru the sad day without a hiccup. Have a fantastic holiday try not to beat yourself up, you can allow yourself a treat just try and equal it out maybe some walking or swimming I would aim to stay the same rather than expecting a loss that way you can be pretty pleased with yourself on your return after all most of us would come back with extra weight, and not just in the suitcase LOL Just enjoy...... x x x x