My best mate has let me down big style. is this about me losing weight??

[tammy]

:cry:Hi all, i feel really sad today as i have had a huge falling out with my best mate. she didn't support me through my decisions for WLS but give her credit she tended to not comment or say anything directly to me.

She has commented alot on my weight loss lately but it seems to be causing her a huge issue. she has struggled with her weight for ages and starts a diet on manday and by tuesday has given up!! (story of my life pre bypass).

I have tried to be as supportive of her as i can but found myself telling her that she had options to aid her weight loss including tablets, lipotrim or surgery. she just said did i think she was that desperate! (what does that say about me and other people who have made the hard decision to tackle our weight).

Anyway to cut a long story short i lost it with her big style and told her she was jealous that i had done something to help myself and as a result we haven't spoken since apart from a text from her saying i'm turning things into a drama.

We are supposed to be going on a hen weekend to ireland next week and i just haven't got the inclination to be around her right now so not sure what i am gonna do.

Her attitude towards me has changed since my weight has come down. is it jealousy or is she truly disgusted at my choice for surgery???

Feel really sad about it all, we have been friends for years and she is my 2 little girls godmother but i can't be made to feel like this by her.

any words of advice would be greatly appreciated xx

 

[Perissa]

Maybe its not jealousy, maybe its making her think about the denial of her own weight problem and she doesn't know how to handle it.......

She may be afraid to address it - whichever route she chooses (or not) you may have made her feel vulnerable because you have chosen to address it.

Does that make sense? Not sure I'm getting what I mean across!!

At the end of the day a friend is a friend and they should support you and your decisions even if they don't agree with them.

 

[tammy]

Thanks perissa, it does make sense what you have said. suppose i will have to ask her straight at some point just can't face another argument with her! i would support her through any choices she makes just a shame it doesn't seem to be a 2 way thing. thanks hun x

 

[ditzyangeluk]

:cry:Hi all, i feel really sad today as i have had a huge falling out with my best mate. she didn't support me through my decisions for WLS but give her credit she tended to not comment or say anything directly to me.

She has commented alot on my weight loss lately but it seems to be causing her a huge issue. she has struggled with her weight for ages and starts a diet on manday and by tuesday has given up!! (story of my life pre bypass).

I have tried to be as supportive of her as i can but found myself telling her that she had options to aid her weight loss including tablets, lipotrim or surgery. she just said did i think she was that desperate! (what does that say about me and other people who have made the hard decision to tackle our weight).

Anyway to cut a long story short i lost it with her big style and told her she was jealous that i had done something to help myself and as a result we haven't spoken since apart from a text from her saying i'm turning things into a drama.

We are supposed to be going on a hen weekend to ireland next week and i just haven't got the inclination to be around her right now so not sure what i am gonna do.

Her attitude towards me has changed since my weight has come down. is it jealousy or is she truly disgusted at my choice for surgery???

Feel really sad about it all, we have been friends for years and she is my 2 little girls godmother but i can't be made to feel like this by her.

any words of advice would be greatly appreciated xx

I am sorry to say, I've found this quite a common occurrance, especially since voicing my own such happening with my so-called best friend 2 days before my op, 7 weeks ago & loads of people said the same thing happened to them. We haven't spoken since - & won't again!

She was my friend for 10+ years & then, nothing. Also, she (supposedly!) supported me through my weight loss journey to the op - consultations, travel, fears, worries, etc. I can't forgive her for the fact that (1) she let me down when I needed her most (2) she was so cruel at a time when I had better things to worry about than 'messages' she was getting from her dead mother who was adamant I wouldn't be having the op anyway.

I'm sorry, but friends like these I don't need :wave_cry:

 

[charliegirl]

Hi Tammy sorry to hear your having a bad time. Friends are such strange creatures, I dont for one minute think its because you had surgery, I think she has issues with her own weight and is maybe panicking because your losing weight and she is still going to struggle as she wont admit to herself that sometimes diets just dont work and there is no other option but to have surgery. I also think the way my ex behaved yesterday is because he knows that when I lose weight I will be back to the bubbley person I was before who had buckets of confidence and whats more he knows I will find a new bloke. He is doing the same as your friend just different words. I thought surgery only changed your life but it has much more of a ripple effect then we at first realise.....keep your chin up hun, sending you ((hugs)) it will sort itself out eventually....xx

 

[shelbell]

Like ditzy said, it's come up time and time again on this forum. It happened to me pre-op too. That said, it doesn't necessarily mean that it's surgery related. My (existing) friendships have changed as a result of my weight loss, but more because I've changed, I have more self esteem, more confidence, and I'm less eager to please! I don't feel the need to talk and be 'funny' all the time, so I'm generally quieter and more passive. It's taken a few of my friends a little while to adjust to the 'new' me, and it's changed the dynamics of the relationships.

 

[tammy]

Thanks Ditzy and Linda, i guess you find out who your friends are when you need them most eh!!! i'm sure i will be fine just feel really down about the whole thing at the moment. thanks for your kind words xx

 

[LancsLass2]

Hi Tammy, just thought I`d pitch in. I think that your friend may probably be feeling like she`s lost a limb at the moment. In the good old days you were both best friends together, going out together and overweight together! Whereas now she`s the only one struggling with her weight and she doesn`t like it. ( When you were struggling with your weight too, she prob didn`t feel like when you both walked into a pub everyone was commenting on and looking at her as u were both overweight. Whereas now there`s only her to look at / comment on ) Do u get what I mean???

 

[tammy]

Thanks shel and lancslass. your kind words mean so much to me. think you are both 100% right it's not my issue so why should i feel so bad.

also shel and becky thanks for your private messages your support is invaluable to me xx:thankyou:
wow can use the emotion things now too!!!

 

[hopelesscase]

Oh tammy friendships are such a tanative thing at times. I can honestly say i have 3 really good friends that i have had for over 20 yrs one of them 30 and we have gone through so many life changing events together. They all know of each other but it is only ever me and 1 of them as i know them all from different things i have done in life. we have laughed, cried, argued, greived, celebrated, bit out tonges and shopped together.
During our time as friends the dynamics of the friendship has changed at times when new lovers , children, family illness, death and jobs have come along but each and every time something has happened we come out wiser, stronger and more tolerant of each others little quirky ways.
One of the sayings that we all have in common is im going to tell you this and you may not like me for it but if i cant tell you no one can. We know as soon as we hear these words they are being said because they are friends and not because they are being *****y , selfish or any thing else.
Dont let 10 yr slip away all relationships need working at. give her a call and clear the air it may be like the others have said you may have stirred some reality checks in her and shes scared of the reality.
take care
HC

 

[cazbandy]

I really understand what you are going through.

I have a cousin, who coincidentally was also who I classed as my best friend, as we have known each other since we were babies and have been through thick and thin together.

She has always been stick thin and from the age of about 14/15 I have been fat.

We used to have a real affinity but ever since I mention over a year ago that I was considering having surgery to address my weight problems she has reacted strangely. She thinks it is too drastic and that with careful eating and holistic therapy I could acheive the same results. Like how does she know how tough it is to be fat and diet and then get fatter?

Well I have now had the surgery and the only contact I have had from her is one phonecall 2 days after I got home and that was to tell me she had adopted a dog, then after that asked "how are you?"

How I see it is this way, I may have always been the fat one but I am also the more confident one. I have always had tons of friends and she has been shy. Now that my confidence is doubly boosted by the fact that I am now happy I have done something for me, to help me become the woman I am on the inside, I think she feels a little threatened.

I feel a little sad that she never supported me and probably doesn't and won't. What saddens me more that this has caused distance.

I think and believe that this will right itself eventually and I hope that your friend will soon see you are happy, confident and healthy and will share that happiness with you. If she doesn't then I offer you a hug and hope that as you get more and more beautiful, more and more beautiful people will come into your life too.

This is a time for us now....

 

[serenitylove]

not maybe the common opinion but friends are there for support and yours doesnt sound like she has stepped up to the preverbrial plate on that score! it sounds like it part jelously to me and part she no longer has you to compare herself to as you have tackled your problem and she is wallowing in hers, id take some time and let her figure out the problem is hers not your were you bigger than her to start with it may be she doesnt like the idea of being the bigger one but at the end of the day you made your choice and in my opinion she should be happy for you for changing your life for the better

 

[Mynewlife]

Hiya Tammy

I feel i have to add something here. I too have had friends comment about why I needed the band fitted, and that I wasn't "that fat", this coming from people who weigh 10 stone and a size 10/12. My larger friends didn;t understand me either, and I think that they thought I was wasting my money. My family were no support either, my mum (21 stone), my brother (25 stone) both felt that I didn't need the operation. I asked my mum, if she were me and was my age, would she have the band fitted and she said "no way", this was after I watched her almost have a coronary attack putting on her pop socks (which she barely managed)! My larger friend (probably 21 +stone) wasn;t convinced I was doing the right thing. I had several supportive people saying that If I felt it was right for me, then they were with me. To be honest the support came from corners of my life that I did not expect, and those whom I assumed would support me (mum and family) didn;t. You have to do what is right for you at the end of the day and if some people can;t be supportive then you have to let them go, you don;t need the negativity at this point in your life. If you just let the dust settle she might come around, if not, then rely on those who do support you and count your blessings you have those people in your life. I love my mum to death and one of my driving factors to have this operation was so that at her age, I would not be in the same position as her and getting breathless putting pop socks on. She struggles to fit into normal seats and gets out of breath so easily. I didn't want that and that is what I could see my life being like if I didn't do anything about it. My mum never comments on how well I am doing, or how nice I look but I have come to accept that this is how it is with her. The most important person in my life, my husband of 29 years, is my rock, he is so supportive and has always been behind me. hope things sort themselves out for you, I know it is hard but life is meant to try us, and this will make you stronger.
MNL:massmoon:

 

[charliegirl]

Just look at what my so called mate said yesterday about dying on the table, speaks for itself really they are scared we will change if they are not over weight themselves and feel they will be left behind if they are. Surgery is a very personal choice and we have made that choice for us not them....xx

 

[tammy]

I feel i have to add something here. I too have had friends comment about why I needed the band fitted, and that I wasn't "that fat", this coming from people who weigh 10 stone and a size 10/12. My larger friends didn;t understand me either, and I think that they thought I was wasting my money. My family were no support either, my mum (21 stone), my brother (25 stone) both felt that I didn't need the operation. I asked my mum, if she were me and was my age, would she have the band fitted and she said "no way", this was after I watched her almost have a coronary attack putting on her pop socks (which she barely managed)! My larger friend (probably 21 +stone) wasn;t convinced I was doing the right thing. I had several supportive people saying that If I felt it was right for me, then they were with me. To be honest the support came from corners of my life that I did not expect, and those whom I assumed would support me (mum and family) didn;t. You have to do what is right for you at the end of the day and if some people can;t be supportive then you have to let them go, you don;t need the negativity at this point in your life. If you just let the dust settle she might come around, if not, then rely on those who do support you and count your blessings you have those people in your life. I love my mum to death and one of my driving factors to have this operation was so that at her age, I would not be in the same position as her and getting breathless putting pop socks on. She struggles to fit into normal seats and gets out of breath so easily. I didn't want that and that is what I could see my life being like if I didn't do anything about it. My mum never comments on how well I am doing, or how nice I look but I have come to accept that this is how it is with her. The most important person in my life, my husband of 29 years, is my rock, he is so supportive and has always been behind me. hope things sort themselves out for you, I know it is hard but life is meant to try us, and this will make you stronger.
MNL:massmoon:

You could be writing about me here. my only real support is my hubbie and we have been together for 15 years. he has supported me through all my health needs and my WLS. My mum who has always been overweight was mortified at my decision for surgery and can't bring herself to say well done or you look good she says things like you don't look as bloated! i guess i have always been used to this from her so don't really feel let down by her my friend on the other hand i thought was someone i could rely on and trust and feel really let down. like you say life is sent to try us and i need to focus on what fantastic people i have in my life rather than those who aren't. thanks for you kind words it really means alot xx

 

[tammy]

not maybe the common opinion but friends are there for support and yours doesnt sound like she has stepped up to the preverbrial plate on that score! it sounds like it part jelously to me and part she no longer has you to compare herself to as you have tackled your problem and she is wallowing in hers, id take some time and let her figure out the problem is hers not your were you bigger than her to start with it may be she doesnt like the idea of being the bigger one but at the end of the day you made your choice and in my opinion she should be happy for you for changing your life for the better

Thanks Serenity, i think you are right i just need to give her time to adjust to the new me but all look at what issues there are for her at the moment. thanks again hun your support is greatly appreciated. x

 

[tammy]

Oh tammy friendships are such a tanative thing at times. I can honestly say i have 3 really good friends that i have had for over 20 yrs one of them 30 and we have gone through so many life changing events together. They all know of each other but it is only ever me and 1 of them as i know them all from different things i have done in life. we have laughed, cried, argued, greived, celebrated, bit out tonges and shopped together.
During our time as friends the dynamics of the friendship has changed at times when new lovers , children, family illness, death and jobs have come along but each and every time something has happened we come out wiser, stronger and more tolerant of each others little quirky ways.
One of the sayings that we all have in common is im going to tell you this and you may not like me for it but if i cant tell you no one can. We know as soon as we hear these words they are being said because they are friends and not because they are being *****y , selfish or any thing else.
Dont let 10 yr slip away all relationships need working at. give her a call and clear the air it may be like the others have said you may have stirred some reality checks in her and shes scared of the reality.
take care
HC

Hi HC i don't hate you at all for being honest. i know what you are saying but just feel that she really needs to want to clear the air and at the moment it doesn't seem that she does. i don't want to lose our long friendship but it has to be a 2 way thing and i am always there for her and she obviously doesn't value our friendhip as much as i do. i will give the dust some time to settle and then try to talk to her. thanks for your honesty x

 

[Silversurfer]

Hi Tammy

Think the advice here is generally good, so wont add, just wanted to lend my support, friends are funny things and react to situations in different ways, for that reason i chose not to tell many people about my op other than those closest to me !
I'm sure if you give her time and space she'll come around !

Richard

 

[tammy]

Hi Tammy

Think the advice here is generally good, so wont add, just wanted to lend my support, friends are funny things and react to situations in different ways, for that reason i chose not to tell many people about my op other than those closest to me !
I'm sure if you give her time and space she'll come around !

Richard

Thanks richard, i have only told a few select people about my op too as i worried about what peoples views would be. lets face it everyone has an opinion about WLS. she was one of the only few i told thinking i could trust her and she would support me. heh ho we learn by our mistakes. thanks again x

 

[Silversurfer]

Thanks richard, i have only told a few select people about my op too as i worried about what peoples views would be. lets face it everyone has an opinion about WLS. she was one of the only few i told thinking i could trust her and she would support me. heh ho we learn by our mistakes. thanks again x

Tammy - I dont think you made a mistake in telling her, lets face it you have to tell someone, and if she was someone in your close circle you should have been able to trust her. But as you rightly say people do have differing opinions about WLS and whilst the popular media keep the subject contraversial people will voice there opinion.
Have to say though that i have an overwieght friend i confided in before my op who put a downer on my decision, stating it was dangerous and the risks etc, now i've lost just over 5 stone and can shop in high street stores again she's seeing it from my side !

Chin up sweet heart, she'll come around in time i'm sure !

Richard