Sam's Musings

[Bling Babe]

Wasn't able to weigh last Saturday as the battery had gone flat on my scales but a new one arrived just in time yesterday for this morning's weigh in. Was dreading what it would say as the amount of chocolate I am consuming at the moment is gross to try and deal with my anxiety and brain fog. It had gone down from 107kg to 105kg so at least I am still not going totally in the wrong direction. Even my psychologist said it was understandable I was using food to cope! Have been upping the protein more, the constipation is almost under control after my second lot of antibiotics - found drinking around three bottles of Actimel a day has helped as I knew it was the anti b's that were the problem upsetting my gut bacteria. Hopefully when it has finally settled the brain will also start to feel better. Helping it along with Dihyrolite powders to replace electrolytes.

I now have a new appointment for consultant on 18th April following snow cancellation and a new appointment for dietitian on 2nd May, so will have to change that again as she wants the two appointments spaced out more, which they were when I was supposed to be going on the 1st March.

Did hydrotherapy on Monday but had to cancel walk in the afternoon as i almost passed out at the pool and ended up going to be instead. Did aqua aerobics yesterday and that was really good fun. Off for walk this afternoon.

The flat selling process is going to be slow because of issues with the deeds and it won't go on the market for about another 6 weeks so although still anxiety making i feel i can breathe for the next month and work out a plan B or even C that may even include a holiday (much needed break) if funds will allow.

A holiday sounds very well deserved, glad the scales show a good result xx

 

[Lottiewishes]

Hugs hunny yoy are coping with a lot xxx

 

[starryeyed]

Wasn't able to weigh last Saturday as the battery had gone flat on my scales but a new one arrived just in time yesterday for this morning's weigh in. Was dreading what it would say as the amount of chocolate I am consuming at the moment is gross to try and deal with my anxiety and brain fog. It had gone down from 107kg to 105kg so at least I am still not going totally in the wrong direction. Even my psychologist said it was understandable I was using food to cope! Have been upping the protein more, the constipation is almost under control after my second lot of antibiotics - found drinking around three bottles of Actimel a day has helped as I knew it was the anti b's that were the problem upsetting my gut bacteria. Hopefully when it has finally settled the brain will also start to feel better. Helping it along with Dihyrolite powders to replace electrolytes.

I now have a new appointment for consultant on 18th April following snow cancellation and a new appointment for dietitian on 2nd May, so will have to change that again as she wants the two appointments spaced out more, which they were when I was supposed to be going on the 1st March.

Did hydrotherapy on Monday but had to cancel walk in the afternoon as i almost passed out at the pool and ended up going to be instead. Did aqua aerobics yesterday and that was really good fun. Off for walk this afternoon.

The flat selling process is going to be slow because of issues with the deeds and it won't go on the market for about another 6 weeks so although still anxiety making i feel i can breathe for the next month and work out a plan B or even C that may even include a holiday (much needed break) if funds will allow.

Sorry you're having a tough time Sam but well done on the loss. Hope someone was with you when you fainted. Fingers crossed for the break as it is well deserved! Xx

 

[SAM55]

a pound gained this week. Life still sucks.

 

[Bling Babe]

a pound gained this week. Life still sucks.

Chin up Sam, you’ll get through all of this xxx

 

[Lottiewishes]

Take care my lovely xxx

 

[SAM55]

You know something is really wrong when you phone your dietitian (the one whom you always found a bit of a dragon) for some support as your diet has gone off the rails and she says it is fine for you to eat 6 bars of chocolate a day to manage your anxiety when life really has reached the pits, and you find out she has phoned your GP and the ring to offer you an appointment next week rather than the booked one after Easter and they are falling over themselves to make it convenient for you!

 

[Bling Babe]

It’s a sorry state of affairs but glad they are getting “on it” for you, sending cyber hugs xxx

 

[SAM55]

2lb gain

 

[SAM55]

Only 1lb off 17 stone now. Have just altered my goal from 6 months after knee surgery to 12 as it is 6 months on Wednesday. Have gained almost a stone since my lightest and still no sign of getting my head back in gear and dietitian and GP are still ok with me eating chocolate to control my anxiety if it keeps me alive! My appeal for funding for an ASC assessment has also been turned down. Psychologist has also discharged me as contract was for 12 months.

Time now to let it all hang out in the hope that someone out there may have had a similar experience.

What have I learnt about myself since having WLS?

1. It wasn't the child/domestic abuse that would get in the way of my feeling comfortable and accepting of my body as they thought it might be, it was something completely different. As the weight fell off and my body changed shape, I realised I was suffering from gender dysphoria and that I wasn't comfortable in my female body. I am now on the waiting list for the Gender Identity Service (have been since September, but was told it is a two year wait due to increased demand). Am slowly starting to socially transition whilst I am waiting, which is proving emotionally confusing. It certainly feels very isolating as I struggle with what to wear, who to tell and what do I do next. Definitely no longer identify as female.

2. Possibly connected, because there are some links but not enough research done yet, is the link with Aspergers, which wasn't something I had ever considered as one of the causes of my poor mental health because I didn't fit the typical diagnosis, which is mainly based on the male presentation. My psychologist thought I was and basic tests and much research seem to say I am, but due to the post code lottery of the NHS I cannot get a formal assessment to access the support I need, despite my psychologist and GP appealing the initial decision of no (got the rejection again last Monday), for an out of area referral as the local (!) waiting list is closed. This has been going on for 8 months and it has taken its toll.

3. Food - other than the chocolate which I use to get me through day to day life so I can leave the house and not get so depressed I feel suicidal - starting to feel like an alcoholic who can't do anything without a drink, I am still trying to keep my protein high and my carbs low but am definitely eating more often than I should and my taste buds are all over the place!

I keep hoping the sun will shine, it will get warmer so I can get out more, I will find out when my flat is being put on the market and when I may or may not have to move and the switch in my brain that says EAT will be able to be turned off and life may have some fun it it again.

 

[Bling Babe]

Only 1lb off 17 stone now. Have just altered my goal from 6 months after knee surgery to 12 as it is 6 months on Wednesday. Have gained almost a stone since my lightest and still no sign of getting my head back in gear and dietitian and GP are still ok with me eating chocolate to control my anxiety if it keeps me alive! My appeal for funding for an ASC assessment has also been turned down. Psychologist has also discharged me as contract was for 12 months.

Time now to let it all hang out in the hope that someone out there may have had a similar experience.

What have I learnt about myself since having WLS?

1. It wasn't the child/domestic abuse that would get in the way of my feeling comfortable and accepting of my body as they thought it might be, it was something completely different. As the weight fell off and my body changed shape, I realised I was suffering from gender dysphoria and that I wasn't comfortable in my female body. I am now on the waiting list for the Gender Identity Service (have been since September, but was told it is a two year wait due to increased demand). Am slowly starting to socially transition whilst I am waiting, which is proving emotionally confusing. It certainly feels very isolating as I struggle with what to wear, who to tell and what do I do next. Definitely no longer identify as female.

2. Possibly connected, because there are some links but not enough research done yet, is the link with Aspergers, which wasn't something I had ever considered as one of the causes of my poor mental health because I didn't fit the typical diagnosis, which is mainly based on the male presentation. My psychologist thought I was and basic tests and much research seem to say I am, but due to the post code lottery of the NHS I cannot get a formal assessment to access the support I need, despite my psychologist and GP appealing the initial decision of no (got the rejection again last Monday), for an out of area referral as the local (!) waiting list is closed. This has been going on for 8 months and it has taken its toll.

3. Food - other than the chocolate which I use to get me through day to day life so I can leave the house and not get so depressed I feel suicidal - starting to feel like an alcoholic who can't do anything without a drink, I am still trying to keep my protein high and my carbs low but am definitely eating more often than I should and my taste buds are all over the place!

I keep hoping the sun will shine, it will get warmer so I can get out more, I will find out when my flat is being put on the market and when I may or may not have to move and the switch in my brain that says EAT will be able to be turned off and life may have some fun it it again.

Aw Sam, what a horrid time your having, I think you are very brave to “let it all hang out” you must have been feeling so alone it’s no wonder your eating has gone out of the window and your struggling to get back in the zone, I’m not sure what advice I can give apart from don’t give up and keep fighter your corner for the assessments that you need for Aspergers. As for the 2 year wait for the GIS stick with it my love, I understand it seems a long way of but try to stay strong, the wait is for your ultimate goal, a bit like waiting for wls, you deserve happiness in whatever way is right for you. I do hope the sun shines too, take care Sam and remember how many cyber friends you have on here and always will. Big hugs to you too xx

 

[Penelope]

I can't like your post, because I wish you were having a happier time. However I did want you to know you are not alone out there, and that I have at least read your words. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I have no experience in gender dysphoria except that a relative of mine is also making the transition female to male. Much like going through the process of waiting for WLS it seems a long process of waits and then jumping through hoops. I guess you already know how that goes. I wish you the absolute best in the process and hope it goes as smoothly as it possibly can. I am very sorry about your mental health issues. It seems like it is one thing piling up on another and what with the uncertainty about your flat, life must seem very hard. I know how life can seem impossible, and I have had to learn to not think about things like the future and security myself. Relying on benefits for health reasons has taught me that lesson, but I have to relearn it every time I have interaction with the DWP.
May Spring bring you sunshine and warmth. I hope better days come soon. Sent with my love.

 

[Emma1504]

Wow you really have been having a time of it.

You have jumped through hoops to get what you wanted before you can do it again.

I don’t claim to know anything about GD but believe in finding & being the real you in whatever form that takes.

It’s going to be hard & I so admire you for starting this journey at all especially with everything else going on. X

 

[SAM55]

Aw Sam, what a horrid time your having, I think you are very brave to “let it all hang out” you must have been feeling so alone it’s no wonder your eating has gone out of the window and your struggling to get back in the zone, I’m not sure what advice I can give apart from don’t give up and keep fighter your corner for the assessments that you need for Aspergers. As for the 2 year wait for the GIS stick with it my love, I understand it seems a long way of but try to stay strong, the wait is for your ultimate goal, a bit like waiting for wls, you deserve happiness in whatever way is right for you. I do hope the sun shines too, take care Sam and remember how many cyber friends you have on here and always will. Big hugs to you too xx

Thanks for your support Bling. I decided that 'letting it all hang out' was the only way to go as I have become very isolated with my thoughts. At 62, I do wonder whether I will get a life as 'me' by the time I get through the system.

 

[SAM55]

I can't like your post, because I wish you were having a happier time. However I did want you to know you are not alone out there, and that I have at least read your words. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I have no experience in gender dysphoria except that a relative of mine is also making the transition female to male. Much like going through the process of waiting for WLS it seems a long process of waits and then jumping through hoops. I guess you already know how that goes. I wish you the absolute best in the process and hope it goes as smoothly as it possibly can. I am very sorry about your mental health issues. It seems like it is one thing piling up on another and what with the uncertainty about your flat, life must seem very hard. I know how life can seem impossible, and I have had to learn to not think about things like the future and security myself. Relying on benefits for health reasons has taught me that lesson, but I have to relearn it every time I have interaction with the DWP.
May Spring bring you sunshine and warmth. I hope better days come soon. Sent with my love.

Hi surgery buddy - what a long time ago it seems... Hope all is ok at your end. Thanks for your kind thoughts and words of wisdom. Wishing your relative all the best. x

 

[SAM55]

Wow you really have been having a time of it.

You have jumped through hoops to get what you wanted before you can do it again.

I don’t claim to know anything about GD but believe in finding & being the real you in whatever form that takes.

It’s going to be hard & I so admire you for starting this journey at all especially with everything else going on. X

Thanks Emma. Good to be reminded of what I can do. x

 

[SAM55]

No Twirls today despite being in the Twirl shops

 

[Bling Babe]

Thanks for your support Bling. I decided that 'letting it all hang out' was the only way to go as I have become very isolated with my thoughts. At 62, I do wonder whether I will get a life as 'me' by the time I get through the system.

62 is no age these days so never give up your dreams, I do hope that you don’t feel quite so isolated knowing that you have lots of friends and support on here, please keep in touch, sending you my love xx

 

[Maria61]

62 is no age these days so never give up your dreams, I do hope that you don’t feel quite so isolated knowing that you have lots of friends and support on here, please keep in touch, sending you my love xx

I agree with Bling. I am 62 and finally getting my life back, you can do this xxx

 

[Missyme]

Only 1lb off 17 stone now. Have just altered my goal from 6 months after knee surgery to 12 as it is 6 months on Wednesday. Have gained almost a stone since my lightest and still no sign of getting my head back in gear and dietitian and GP are still ok with me eating chocolate to control my anxiety if it keeps me alive! My appeal for funding for an ASC assessment has also been turned down. Psychologist has also discharged me as contract was for 12 months.

Time now to let it all hang out in the hope that someone out there may have had a similar experience.

What have I learnt about myself since having WLS?

1. It wasn't the child/domestic abuse that would get in the way of my feeling comfortable and accepting of my body as they thought it might be, it was something completely different. As the weight fell off and my body changed shape, I realised I was suffering from gender dysphoria and that I wasn't comfortable in my female body. I am now on the waiting list for the Gender Identity Service (have been since September, but was told it is a two year wait due to increased demand). Am slowly starting to socially transition whilst I am waiting, which is proving emotionally confusing. It certainly feels very isolating as I struggle with what to wear, who to tell and what do I do next. Definitely no longer identify as female.

2. Possibly connected, because there are some links but not enough research done yet, is the link with Aspergers, which wasn't something I had ever considered as one of the causes of my poor mental health because I didn't fit the typical diagnosis, which is mainly based on the male presentation. My psychologist thought I was and basic tests and much research seem to say I am, but due to the post code lottery of the NHS I cannot get a formal assessment to access the support I need, despite my psychologist and GP appealing the initial decision of no (got the rejection again last Monday), for an out of area referral as the local (!) waiting list is closed. This has been going on for 8 months and it has taken its toll.

3. Food - other than the chocolate which I use to get me through day to day life so I can leave the house and not get so depressed I feel suicidal - starting to feel like an alcoholic who can't do anything without a drink, I am still trying to keep my protein high and my carbs low but am definitely eating more often than I should and my taste buds are all over the place!

I keep hoping the sun will shine, it will get warmer so I can get out more, I will find out when my flat is being put on the market and when I may or may not have to move and the switch in my brain that says EAT will be able to be turned off and life may have some fun it it again.

What a frank and honest post. Thank you for sharing these personal struggles with us all. What a battle on so many levels for you, but I suppose the worst battle is the one inside your head that is a result of all the above. I hope I don’t sound patronising saying this as it’s certainly not meant in that way, the fact that you can put all of the above into some coherence is a massive achievement. The fact that you KNOW what the battles are and are able to speak/type this is a massive tick in the right direction. I hope you can get the support you need. We unfortunately have to fight for everything in this life. I’m a teacher and have worked with many children with ASD and parents have to keep fighting the system and finding other ways to get around these loop holes in order to gain a diagnosis. Those who persist usually get there in the end. Keep fighting and doing what you’re doing! X