Sam's Musings

[FeeBee]

Oh honestly! Sounds like they need to update the booklet x

 

[SAM55]

Well, don't know what is going on in my head, but my need to nibble on Friday has turned into a full blown binge today... After a good week where some positive things happened and a nice time with a friend yesterday whom I hadn't seen for a couple of years (we were discussing quite heavy topics, but cannot really blame it all on that as I knew something was up on Friday), I woke up today feeling shit. It took until this afternoon to remember I had had nightmares and had spent the best part of the day in bed either asleep or reading, or trying to figure out what the trigger was.

So on top of my usual porridge for breakfast and a banana, and a protein bar for lunch, I have eaten a small tin of tuna with mayo, a whole packet of Angel Delight, a flapjack, haddock from the fish shop, half a large bar of Cadburys Dairy Milk, and probably a few other things beside that I have forgotten about . Feeling a bit constricted now so hopefully I can resist anything else today.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better!

 

[LuLuXo]

Hi Sam

You are preaching to the choir, sister! (Apart from my binge wasn't a day, it was a couple of months ). These things do happen and it seems as though you have talked reason into yourself pretty quickly. I think we will always have days where we just go nuts and eat awful things, because, lets face it, we wouldn't have needed WLS if not! It sounds like you're doing really well in the long term so don't be too hard on yourself! I should really take some of this advice myself haha!

Good luck and positive vibes coming your way,

lu xx

 

[SAM55]

Hi Sam

You are preaching to the choir, sister! (Apart from my binge wasn't a day, it was a couple of months ). These things do happen and it seems as though you have talked reason into yourself pretty quickly. I think we will always have days where we just go nuts and eat awful things, because, lets face it, we wouldn't have needed WLS if not! It sounds like you're doing really well in the long term so don't be too hard on yourself! I should really take some of this advice myself haha!

Good luck and positive vibes coming your way,

lu xx

Thanks Lu. Sorry it is a problem for you too. Have been fine today as i have been busy and with people, plus getting some answers to some questions - was feeling too out of control on Sunday and unable to do anything about it. Sunday is not my best day I think it was a combination of tiredness and something that sparked off some grief.

 

[Want2b3]

@SAM55 Sundays are hard as they are often days isolated for me. I ate loads yesterday...picked all day! So I am returning to day 1 again and the rules of drink more more protein less carbs. Tracking your food intake will make you more mindful too and you can always cut back then for a few days to make up for the slip. That is what I do normally. I found a new yogurt Alpro go on it has extra protein. I have a few mouthfuls of that at the moment or mix it with a sugar free jelly if fancy something sweet my biggest downfall at the moment it's finding the best coping strategies be it food distraction etc but what is done is done and just start fresh another day

 

[SAM55]

Went to see dietitian today - first time since November due to appointment problems. Not that I am complaining as I hate seeing her! I travel a round trip of 80 miles and spend 45 minutes trying to park, to be weighed. The letter also told me i was seeing the doctor, so allowed extra time before my next activity, and it was only her.

She is very didactic in her thinking and only wants you to eat what she wants you to eat, even though I am losing above average weight loss for the timescale, and all my bloods come back fine, so what I am doing works for me, which is not to only eat 3 times a day as I get too hungry and then eat too much. No praise for my efforts, only a comment that I am more mobile.

The one thing I was allowed to have a say on was how much more weight I want to loose now I am on the waiting list for my knee. I want to get another stone off before the op and go from a 18/20 to a 16/18. Obviously post op I run the risk of gaining until I can get back to exercising more again. Any more at my age and I believe I will start to look haggard as my skin isn't very elastic now as I am 20 years post menopause - it was an early one at 42 due to a full hysterectomy in case anyone is thinking I am in my dotage! . We also talked about maintaining when the goal is reached and my loss should start to slow down now, and that some people overshoot and how to avoid this. Apparently adding more snacks is the answer.

Also had letter today from knee hospital asking me to go next week to their physio for the 'pre-surgery education group' where I will be shown exercises and have to answer a questionnaire about my home and lifestyle. Guessing this is going to be a bit like the WLS starting gun where you get pre-op as soon as you are put on the list, and then have to wait months before you have surgery (I have been told 6 months by surgeon). Likely i will get another appointment for pre-op soon. Good job I bought some shorts on my way home last week, as I don't want to be told off again Also bought some different ones in Asda yesterday with pineapples on - size 14 as the Sainsbury's 16's fit nicely now, and I won't be able to get short in November!! I wish my waist would shrink a bit more as my bum is losing like mad but need a bigger size to go round the waist so back to saggy bottoms again

Also had a brown envelope from DWP and psyched myself up to open it thinking it was to do with my ESA assessment, and it was just a P60.

Still not doing great with the comfort eating and fighting with the depression again which did lift a couple of weeks ago but came back again on Friday but did buy some more healthy and interesting options in Asda yesterday, including an individual crustless Weight Watchers quiche which went down a treat today, and also some tiny bite size low calorie Laughing Cow cube cheeses with different flavours so I get the taste but don't feel I have to eat what i have opened. Was getting fed up with Light Mini Babybel.

Met a friend who was staying in the area this afternoon and had a bowl of ice cream and a walk along the river at a local beauty spot. We met 14 years ago when we worked together and I am a stone less now then what I was then, so he hadn't seen me this thin. He was pretty impressed (sort of made up for the dragon earlier) Took my shoes off and walked on the grass as it was flat. Had the bank not been so steep I would have tried a paddle with my rollator as it was lovely and sunny.

 

[FeeBee]

I'm glad your day had a lovely end, your dietician is indeed a dragon! I'm sorry she's not more supportive but you know you are doing really well so sod her

 

[Want2b3]

I bet it felt good seeing your friend and a stone lighter @SAM55 that must have made you feel good! I saw someone I had not seen for 14 years and I am now back to that weight! They said I looked no difference to 14 years ago...little. Did the know what I looked like 6 months ago

What you are doing is work for you....I am the same followed what you guys told me here and I am doing well like you! So carry on! You have lost nearly 10 stone as lost over the 9 stone now you are doing fabulous carry on!

 

[SAM55]

Grumble, grumble Hospital have just rung be to offer me a date for my knee op at end of June and it wasn't a cancellation. I was only put on the list 2 weeks ago and was told it would be 6 months!! I happen to be away for a long weekend starting the day they wanted me to go in. The only time away I do have booked. I also have kitchen fitters and decorator in just before and they may not have finished. Have said no, so will get one more choice. Why is it so difficult for them to get their act together when it comes to communication?!?!?!!?

 

[Nearly there-1]

@SAM55 sorry your feeling a bit down and not quite in control, makes you want to stamp your feet doesn't it!!
You have done so well with the weight loss and 'life'!! Just keep going and allow others to give you the support you are so generous in giving other. Will hold you in my thought and hope that things settle down a little.
Good news that you will be able to get the knee op process starting. Xx

 

[FeeBee]

Well that's just typical isn't it? Bit of a difference between 6 months and 2 weeks! Fingers crossed the second try is more convenient x

 

[starryeyed]

Hey sam sorry you're having a tough time. Honestly I'd say ignore your dietician we all know what works for some doesn't work for others and you've found what works for you so stick to it. How were the laughing cow cubes? I haven't been brave enough to try them yet lol. Fingers crossed a date comes up for your knee that can be OK for you- so frustrating you wait so long for the list etc and they only give you two chances! Hope your mood lifts a little xx

 

[SAM55]

Hey sam sorry you're having a tough time. Honestly I'd say ignore your dietician we all know what works for some doesn't work for others and you've found what works for you so stick to it. How were the laughing cow cubes? I haven't been brave enough to try them yet lol. Fingers crossed a date comes up for your knee that can be OK for you- so frustrating you wait so long for the list etc and they only give you two chances! Hope your mood lifts a little xx

Thanks Starry. x Laughing Cow cubes were lovely, but realistically, like chocolate - one isn't enough

 

[SAM55]

1lb on this week. Certainly feel I have lost the ability to regulate my food at the moment as my sweet tooth is causing a problem, so too many protein bars, hot chocolates and fruit.

Certainly feeling depressed most days and struggling to lift my mood for more than a few hours. Saw GP yesterday and we agreed as I had similar fluctuating moods at this time last year too, that I have developed a summer version of SAD (as well as the winter one) where too much light elevates my mood too high but it keeps crashing.

Should hear from DWP soon as a doctor's report was done on the 27th May - not by my doctor though, but the named doctor whom I haven't seen for 5 years, so there is a lot of information missing . We both agreed that system isn't effective (and we were both cross) so we are both going to speak to the Practice Manager about getting it changed.

 

[FeeBee]

Big hugs. You have a lot on as always. I have seen a small gain in the last couple of weeks too and it scares me. I don't know about you but I'm frightened I'm suddenly going to kind myself right back at the start weight wise. So, if it helps, I'm trying to be kind to myself since berating myself isn't working. I'm planning my meals out as much as possible the night before and also noting my mood alongside what I sat. I've really recommited to my mindfulness practice again which for me means being mindful not just when I'm meditating and stopped myself already picking at stuff today just by asking myself if it's what I really want.

We both have a lot of medical stuff on our minds (often the way) and it's very challenging emotionally without adding the DWP into the mix. It can be hard to articulate all the stuff that can throw up to try and process. Eating my feelings is what made me obese and some days I'm better at not doing that than others. I read this quote the other day that really stuck with me:

• REMEMBER: If you've got six problems and then you overeat, well... then you'll have seven problems.

I'm finding it really helpful so thought I'd share x
We've done a huge amount of work to get this far and this is a blip. We knew it wouldn't be smooth sailing but that doesn't make the storms necessarily easier to navigate. But they won't last forever. You're worth the effort @SAM55 x

 

[SAM55]

Big hugs. You have a lot on as always. I have seen a small gain in the last couple of weeks too and it scares me. I don't know about you but I'm frightened I'm suddenly going to kind myself right back at the start weight wise. So, if it helps, I'm trying to be kind to myself since berating myself isn't working. I'm planning my meals out as much as possible the night before and also noting my mood alongside what I sat. I've really recommited to my mindfulness practice again which for me means being mindful not just when I'm meditating and stopped myself already picking at stuff today just by asking myself if it's what I really want.

We both have a lot of medical stuff on our minds (often the way) and it's very challenging emotionally without adding the DWP into the mix. It can be hard to articulate all the stuff that can throw up to try and process. Eating my feelings is what made me obese and some days I'm better at not doing that than others. I read this quote the other day that really stuck with me:

• REMEMBER: If you've got six problems and then you overeat, well... then you'll have seven problems.

I'm finding it really helpful so thought I'd share x
We've done a huge amount of work to get this far and this is a blip. We knew it wouldn't be smooth sailing but that doesn't make the storms necessarily easier to navigate. But they won't last forever. You're worth the effort @SAM55 x

Thanks Fee, wise friend as ever. xx

 

[SAM55]

Well hopefully should have burned off some calories today as I have completely re-arranged my bedroom (which is the size of a rabbit hutch) single handed which included disassembling and reassembling the bed so that my bad knee is nearest the side to get in and out when the time comes. Not without its difficulties that involved losing a bolt, digging holes to retrieve it and duck tape. Also further de-cluttered the boxes under the bed, lots more paperwork to shred, and bagged up clothes for charity shop. Add the hoovering and the dusting and a satisfying afternoon's work.

Couldn't have done that this time last year and won't be able to do it again in a few months time, although my back is now killing me.

Retail therapy yesterday and eventually managed to purchase a dressing gown (not a good time of year to buy dressing gowns, especially lightweight), slippers with backs and some more pj's for hospital, plus treated myself to some new walking

Thanks Fee, wise friend as ever. xx

sandals with adjustable straps across and behind as all last years summer shoes are too big! Nice problem to have but incredibly expensive

 

[SAM55]

Thanks Fee, wise friend as ever. xx

I suppose it is natural to feel scared that it can all go back on, but I think after all we have gone through and the size of our pouches, unless we pig out on carbs big time, I think our brains will tell us to take back control. Have had a couple of small gains, usually because I have been eating out, or life has given me a big kick up the butt so prompting some comfort eating. I have found though that it doesn't last long and things right themselves. Good you are using the tools you have learnt, and do remember you are going through some tough decision making at the moment. Hopefully, when you feel ready to make it, normal service will resume.

I am not doing so well with the mindfulness at the moment, although have developed a desire to iron (first time for years - gave it up 10 years ago) which used to be my 'go to' activity in the 90's when writing essays, which does the same thing.

Also tackled some paperwork today in relation to one of the resignations of my voluntary work. The plan is I finish a week tomorrow and then file the legal bits. Feeling better now I know what I need to do, and that there is a definite date to do it. Once my head is clearer (and I have my new kitchen so food prep and storage will be a lot easier), I will get the urge again to think about food rather than grabbing something because my head says I should...

Big hugs @FeeBee xx

 

[SAM55]

Mainly at home past two days so feeling more in control of what i eat. Have gone back to my standbys of stewed steak and baked beans and can feel the restriction again which means I feel full, so am less likely to want to snack.

Walked to the pool and back today (about a mile), plus an intense hydro session so hopefully have burned off some more calories. My back was ok after yesterday but my knee is killing me and spent afternoon in bed with my leg elevated on a pillow and an ice pack, with pain killers this evening. Eventually fell asleep. A reminder not to overdo it, and that I really do need the knee surgery - if I take care I can manage painkiller free.

 

[Lottiewishes]

Hey hunny just read through part of your diary you have done so well hunny. I have got some ideas if what to eat post op ( miles away for me) take care hunny. Xxx