Lack of support from friends and family

[ClaireMarie]

Oh boy does it not rankle you when folks say that... My mum in law said almost the same thing. It took me all my time not to bite my tongue in half I was so annoyed with her. She has seen me yoyo diet since the day I met her but trying to explain to her that its all well and good that I can lose it but time, life & regular steroid courses will see me put it all back on again and it's quite clear from past history that in order to keep the weight off I need help. People need to have walked in my footsteps to know why I need the surgery. X

I seem to have lost patience with everyone who isn't there for me during this, quite frankly I don't care if they think I'm depriving someone else, for once I'm doing something for me. I've worked damned hard to get here and I'm quite happy for anyone who has an issue with it to walk. Which is exactly what I said to my husband.

 

[femfrankie]

I seem to have lost patience with everyone who isn't there for me during this, quite frankly I don't care if they think I'm depriving someone else, for once I'm doing something for me. I've worked damned hard to get here and I'm quite happy for anyone who has an issue with it to walk. Which is exactly what I said to my husband.

Exactly my sentiments too. My MIL is 85 and relies on me for a lot and to be honest I think she is scared of losing her "support" while I get over the bypass. But unfortunately I don't care and suppose i am being a little selfish here but my needs are far greater this time . No op then I stay a ticking time bomb as I was so eloquently described by several consultants. This is my call. There can be no arguments its bypass all the way

 

[ClaireMarie]

Yes ultimately it's their selfishness in thinking of themselves rather than us that makes them not want us to take this wonderful opportunity. Not all change is bad and I suppose your mum will have a healthier fitter you to take care of her in the long run.

 

[Yvessa]

my mum refused to come with me to appointments. She asked me if she could just pay for a trainer instead. And when I wouldn't change my mind she asked me to consider the band instead. Even after I had it done she moans constantly. Lately however she's been more positive and buying me some of my new clothes like the spotty dress and the blue one in my pics. In my diary you'll see that I almost had to force something positive from her - ultimately she is pleased I've lost what I have. They will either come around or you will be no worse off because you'll know who you can count on.

 

[fjsinc]

My own family have been nothing but supportive, in fact it was my parents who originally got me to consider surgery. My friends also have been nothing but encouraging. Its my in laws that have been funny, they have not commented once on my changing appearance. Pre op they had plenty of opinions about my size, non of them very pleasant or understanding. Now complete silence. I dont care what they think, but I am a bit curious!
The only other weird reaction was last week when a lady I work with told me that she didn't understand why I was so happy about it (the weight loss), because I have always been a happy person when I was big. I tried to explain that my happiness was not actually connected to my weight, and I did this so that I could have a longer happy and healthy life. It didn't seem to sink in though. She then asked how much I'd lost, so I told her 6 stone, she said she thought it was 4, and that 6 was "a bit too much" and I should "stop loosing now". I find this crazy, as I've just ducked under 18 Stone. In fact I just think PEOPLE ARE WEIRD.

 

[femfrankie]

My own family have been nothing but supportive, in fact it was my parents who originally got me to consider surgery. My friends also have been nothing but encouraging. Its my in laws that have been funny, they have not commented once on my changing appearance. Pre op they had plenty of opinions about my size, non of them very pleasant or understanding. Now complete silence. I dont care what they think, but I am a bit curious!
The only other weird reaction was last week when a lady I work with told me that she didn't understand why I was so happy about it (the weight loss), because I have always been a happy person when I was big. I tried to explain that my happiness was not actually connected to my weight, and I did this so that I could have a longer happy and healthy life. It didn't seem to sink in though. She then asked how much I'd lost, so I told her 6 stone, she said she thought it was 4, and that 6 was "a bit too much" and I should "stop loosing now". I find this crazy, as I've just ducked under 18 Stone. In fact I just think PEOPLE ARE WEIRD.

My family have been tremendous but they have seen my life and health first hand so to them there was no argument that this was the right direction to take. For that I am thankful.
I also have had the perplexing "oh but you have always seemed so happy" remark.... What eh?!... So if I do get to be a skinny I can't still be happy?

my mum refused to come with me to appointments. She asked me if she could just pay for a trainer instead. And when I wouldn't change my mind she asked me to consider the band instead. Even after I had it done she moans constantly. Lately however she's been more positive and buying me some of my new clothes like the spotty dress and the blue one in my pics. In my diary you'll see that I almost had to force something positive from her - ultimately she is pleased I've lost what I have. They will either come around or you will be no worse off because you'll know who you can count on.

Seriously Yve your mum and my mum in law should really get together. A fortnight ago my MIL suggested the exact same to me re the band. Told her, bluffed really because i don't have a clue, that the recovery time etc was exactly the same. That seemed to do the trick and no more was said but I was left feeling where the hell did that come from? In the beginning she was very supportive but as time draws nearer its like she doesn't want me to go ahead. I and hubby think/hope that maybe she too is panicking over it all. I would hate to think it was spite or selfishness on her part

 

[Yvessa]

I think my mum was quite angry at me for making the decision and going through the process without telling her. I also think she thought I would fail and that I just hadn't tried hard enough to lose weight yet. For years shed been telling me about a colleague who had used tesco diets and just magically slimmed. I didn't bother telling her I'd tried it and a dozen others. Also she is a perfectionist. She's always seen it as a bad reflection on her that I am fat. She was beautiful and slim and university blue in her time (top in sports at her UNi) and then there was me. I try not to let it get me but I know she's a large part of my weight issues.

 

[femfrankie]

I think my mum was quite angry at me for making the decision and going through the process without telling her. I also think she thought I would fail and that I just hadn't tried hard enough to lose weight yet. For years shed been telling me about a colleague who had used tesco diets and just magically slimmed. I didn't bother telling her I'd tried it and a dozen others. Also she is a perfectionist. She's always seen it as a bad reflection on her that I am fat. She was beautiful and slim and university blue in her time (top in sports at her UNi) and then there was me. I try not to let it get me but I know she's a large part of my weight issues.

I wanted no one to know that I was getting a bypass but hubby talked me round. So we compromised on that one. Quite glad I did because I think I would have been met with the same angry reaction you experienced had i not told close family... Their opinions though ultimate are of no relevance as I will not be passing this rare opportunity up for nobody!

 

[Yvessa]

I didn't want her to be able to shake my certainty.

 

[femfrankie]

I didn't want her to be able to shake my certainty.

And she will eventually come round hun. You made the decision that was right for you at the time. Parental support is something that we all crave but don't always get. My mum is quietly supportive and to be honest I prefer it that way. My step dad on the other hand makes the most stupid off the cuff remarks. Nothing hurtful, just the risk aspect of it all but they are things I really don't want to discuss with him. That discussion is for me my team and my husband alone.

 

[Yvessa]

Even if she doesn't I don't have any doubts I made the right choice in my bypass. To have lost as much weight as I have and to look at a photo and think ooh that looks okay on me is a massive step for me.

 

[Wolfeyes]

Hi
My husband was very supportive, he was happy with me the way I was and happy for me to loose weight, he was supportive in what ever I decided. However I was very reluctant to tell my parents, there was a reason because I lost my brother 3 1/2 years ago to a massive brain haemorrhage, only 39 and me and him were the only children my parents had, so I was worried in telling them as I knew what was to come, what if something happens etc they would be left with no children. I decided to tell them and well I think it was the hardest thing I ever had to do apart from trying to loose weight
Anyway mum wasn't happy but dad came round to the idea! after explaining what the procedure was and the benefits I would have my dad explained it to my mum more! They came round in the end As for friends well I have one that hasn't said one thing about my weight loss just very blazeee (cant spell it lol) about it! but my two others have been supportive and always asking how I'm doing etc.
Anyway lots of kind and friendly people here
Kaz
xx

 

[sleevedwannabe]

People haven't been supportive with me either. Hubby against it and friends look horrified and say "you're not THAT big!" Yeah that's helpful thanks... Lol. I think people either worry about us doing serious surgery or don't want to hurt our feelings. Sadly in some cases it's jealousy. Some slim people resent us because "we eat what we want and they work hard on their figures" it's horrible . Hope you get more support soon and like has been said above there's loads of support in here x

 

[Carolined]

I have had the same experience as you honey. I am apparently shy of the hard work. If I wanted to loose weight I just would. etc etc
Its hurtful. even those very close to us are not in our shoes, they dont know how our bodies feel, they dont know the battle we face living in our skin.
I am almost ashamed to admit that I have applied for this surgery. It has a stigma and it needs to be eradicated.

 

[Butterfly_lady]

I plan on telling no one apart from my partner and he is sworn to secrecy, I am a loner by choice so telling friends isn't an issue, I work from home so have no work mates to tell (only cyber ones I speak to online) I prefer it this way I think it's easier.

 

[A.Positive]

I am so pleased I found this thread.

My mum and sister really are against it; although my mum has softened slightly in the last few weeks.

I was worried about telling them because I know that for a lot of people WLS has a stigma attached to it but we are all so close; I felt I had to tell them of my plans.

They told me I was lazy, taking the easy way out and all that jazz. My sister has a weight issue too and is desperate for a baby and is struggling to lose the weight. One of the things that came out was " Oh great, now you're going to be slim". I was stunned because she knows the struggle. My mum says that I have lost weight before so why can't I do it now. I told her that it was like her cigarette addiction. She has smoked in all my 30 years, properly longer and I although my sister and I have asked her to stop she hasn't/couldn't. No matter how many times, I lost weight and was thrilled with my loses, each day was like torture. The hunger, the hunger, the pull! For those of us with weight problems, WLS is a last resort and is a helping hand, much like a Nicotine Patch.

She is the voice of doom. Always calling me to tell me some terrible story she read in the papers and with this she is just the same. What about your children? What if something happens, what will happen to them? What if they balloon when they are older, will you tell them to get surgery too? Again I had to tell her that this was a last ditched attempted after YEARS AND YEARS OF YO, YOU DIETING!

I don't need to hear all that and I don't need to be spoken to like an idiot. Like any sensible person I have thought about nothing else. Its either this or more years of existing and missing out on my beautiful children. No, I'm sorry but that isn't an option for me.

 

[femfrankie]

I am so pleased I found this thread.

My mum and sister really are against it; although my mum has softened slightly in the last few weeks.

I was worried about telling them because I know that for a lot of people WLS has a stigma attached to it but we are all so close; I felt I had to tell them of my plans.

They told me I was lazy, taking the easy way out and all that jazz. My sister has a weight issue too and is desperate for a baby and is struggling to lose the weight. One of the things that came out was " Oh great, now you're going to be slim". I was stunned because she knows the struggle. My mum says that I have lost weight before so why can't I do it now. I told her that it was like her cigarette addiction. She has smoked in all my 30 years, properly longer and I although my sister and I have asked her to stop she hasn't/couldn't. No matter how many times, I lost weight and was thrilled with my loses, each day was like torture. The hunger, the hunger, the pull! For those of us with weight problems, WLS is a last resort and is a helping hand, much like a Nicotine Patch.

She is the voice of doom. Always calling me to tell me some terrible story she read in the papers and with this she is just the same. What about your children? What if something happens, what will happen to them? What if they balloon when they are older, will you tell them to get surgery too? Again I had to tell her that this was a last ditched attempted after YEARS AND YEARS OF YO, YOU DIETING!

I don't need to hear all that and I don't need to be spoken to like an idiot. Like any sensible person I have thought about nothing else. Its either this or more years of existing and missing out on my beautiful children. No, I'm sorry but that isn't an option for me.

A bit of jealousy I think on behalf of your sister and not sure if that will change. Maybe, hopefully, it will spur her on to tackle her own weight issue too. You are right in that you mothers smoking habit is akin to our battle with food.. Unfortunately for us as overeaters is that food is a requirement to live so its not that we can just stop it. For that alone the WLS route is not a lazy way to fix it because we have to train ourselves to recognise our triggers and work around them. The WLS is as you say a helping hand ..a tool but it is certainly no miracle cure!
My son and I just don't ever discuss my future op because to be honest it winds me up & I have enough to contend with. I love him to bits but he can be an arrogant (_)_) at times. Not sure if the same tactic would work with your sis. Ultimately they have to accept that this is your decision and all you are asking of them is for their support. Feeding you horror stories is tantamount to cruel though and I'm sure you will have done enough research beforehand that you know the pitfalls of what you are about to embark on. Remind them that you are well aware of the "stories" out there and ask them to kindly refrain as their input is not in the least supportive.
Good luck hun x

 

[Emma2206]

I'm sorry to hear your family isn't supportive luckily mine have been ok, although other half was worried sick. We have 4 kids and they were a huge consideration before having the op, but i I figured I'm a crap mum being fat, I can't play with them, run around, getting the playground teasing, so I felt for them and myself it was the right way to go! I've lost 91lb before with weight watchers , only to put it all back on bar 13lb! I tried for 2 years after to lose it again, but it just wasn't happening.
My sister came out with some catty remarks, but I just said that I work my arse off, what I spend my money on is none if her business, yes, we have to go without a holiday for a few yrs but it'll be so worth it to be a family that plays together, we'll do day trips instead
I hope your family come around soon, but if not, you will get support in here, good luck with it all hun

 

[sarahrob]

Sorry you're having a tough time. I've not told many people, just my mum and my closest friends. The only person who hasn't been 100% supportive is a friend of mine who is a GP. He's always been slim, and he told me it was a waste of money when I was stubborn enough to lose weight if I just put my mind to it!
I haven't let it upset me - he just doesn't understand what it's like to be in this situation.

Apositive - I hope you have other people around you who are more supportive.

 

[j0anne]

To be honest my partner is against me having the bypass he likes " big" girls.... this isn't about him it is about me and living for my boys and having a life, my parents haven't said much neither for or against I have kept myself to myself for so many years I haven't any real friends...so nothing yay or nay that side....

Not sure what will be at the end of it all but I am doing it I will go for it I am changing... the boys love the idea there mum is going to be able to do more with them and be around for more fun stuff... IF he hates it that much a better me then it can be dealt with in the future till then I am going to be a better prettier more alive me..