Hubby thinks I'm doing the wrong thing!

[Kizzy70]

I'm really worried about comments my husband made a couple of days ago regarding my upcoming gastric bypass.

He is really concerned that I am doing the wrong thing, and has said I should be doing this myself slowly and not looking at surgery.

It's made me feel so emotional, and I'm struggling to discuss matters with him.

I'm now worried that if the worst happens he will never forgive me, we are quite a social couple and enjoy our meals out and the occasional drink, and I know if I have surgery things will be very different, but feel prepared for this.

I'm so confused!! It took a long time to come to this decision, and now I feel so mixed up. I have explained that I have not been able to do this on my own for the past 20 years, and that I have tried and tried and have ended up putting on more weight with every failure.

Don't really think he understands the daily struggle I go through, and don't think I can really talk to him about it (he has never had a weight problem).

I know he is only saying this because he loves me, but I now feel so alone :cry:

Did anyone else have this with their OH?? and how did you cope??

Thanks guys

Kim

 

[Haylz6]

Awww hunnie I hope your ok, u have to do this for u to better your life, since I had mine 3months ago iv been more social, I hot out for drinks and meals all the time but I just choose the food and drink that I can have and that suits me. It has made my life a million times better.

It's your life and your choice don't let anyone stand in your way xx

Sent from my iPhone using WLSurgery

 

[TwinkleTwinkle]

Aw Kim, so sorry you have to struggle with this :sigh: I did not have this problem, but know it is not too unusual especially with hubbies who have never had to think about what they eat. Could you not let him read this forum to see just how life affirming the op is & that after the initial few months, life would not be much different for him. Hope you resolve this as him loving you should be a reason to want you to have a good life xxx

 

[BrianT]

Hi Kim,
It's understandable as he's obviously worried about you and unless he is also seriously overweight he cannot possibly know what you have been going through.
I would imagine almost everybody on here has had that conversation with at least one member of their family I know I did. you just need to sit down with him and explain your point of view, tell him you understand what he is saying, but that sometimes just dieting is not enough, things will be different afterwards but for the better. you will still be able to go out and enjoy yourself you will just need to do it in moderation.

Remember You are never alone on here

 

[snooky]

My husband's the same kizzy. Although he has seen me go through a few operations in the past couple of years. He understands why I need to do this, but is worried about yet another operation that he does not think is essential. It has taken many nights of soul searching and in depth, honest conversations, to convince him that I am doing the right thing. It took a lot of opening up to him of things, that even after 22 years of marrige, that i didn't know I kept from him and probably even lied to myself about. I have also made him read some of the stories on here and we have done reasearch together. It is making people, not just husbands, realise that if it was as simple as dieting and eating less we would do. The bit I struggle with is explaining why I can't diet, I don't know it's something wrong in my head.
He now understands a bit better and is behind me although he still worried about the operation. Give him lots of ingformation and make him come on here.

 

[Peterborough Guy]

Ah sorry to hear this, I did have a heart to heart with the boss (wife lol), but explained that if I didnt have it done, I would just get bigger and bigger and things would go from bad to worse.

Now though she is fully supportive of me, and glad I did it, and she even enjoys buying me more modern clothes now she can get them 'off the peg' instead of shopping in 'Upto 8XL' shops.

Would he talk to some of us post oppers?, has he seen some before and after pics?, all of us before the op have tried the 'easy way' to lose weight, and yes we can, then we put more on than we lost, and we all know what happens.

None of us have taken this matter lightly (pardon the pun), and I know for me, it was a case of if I didnt get it done, I was going to end up in a wheel chair, or even bed ridden, and I don't think I could of handled that and I know my wife wouldn't of either.

If he loves you, which Im sure he does, he will come round and be proud of what you are doing for yourself. I think he is just worried that he will lose you, which won't happen, look how many people undertake this every day now. Come on Kizzy, make him a cuppa and go and have a chat to him, and let him know u understand his concerns and why he is saying what he is. But he needs to look at how much better your life/your lives will be in 12 months time, once you have the operation.

If he wants to ring me for a man to man chat, I will have a chat and be totally honest with him

 

[happy days]

Know exactly what your going threw my husband was so set against it mainly due to other ill informed people telling him horror stories. We got that bad the nite before my op he phoned me in Hosp and asked where I was, thinking I wudnt go threw with it so had words to say the least. The day of the op he phoned me and said he couldn't handle the idea and wanted me to go straight home I told him it was happening if he liked it or not and I wud phone him when back on the ward then hung up.
I hav to say as soon as the op was over and I was safe he has been great but I can't help that little bit of bitterness knowing he didn't support me when I needed him but I do understand the reason behind it. Fear of the unknown x

 

[Kath in Buxton]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through It must be so hard for you. My husband has been really good. However, my father was very like your husband in his attitude. He really broke my heart.
As already suggested, do you think it will ease his mind at all if he was to read some success stories on this forum and let him look at some of the published before and after pics??
Has he expressed his concerns to your team? It might help him if he was to actually speak to your doctors, especially if they tell him little ways in which he could help you.

 

[Sambucca]

Aww hun, its hard when you cant discuss your concerns etc with your hubby or feel unsupported. My hubby although he knew it was for the best had his head very much in the sand and didnt want to know about risks etc.

Perhaps you should just tell him how it is so hard for you living your day to day life at the weight you are, and whilst you dont need his approval, you do need his support. Ask him to tell you what it is he is worried about in particular.

Often you know, although they wont admit it, our men are worried that we only settled for them because we are fat and cant do better... perhaps actually it is his own insecurities coming to the fore rather than worries about the surgery. Perhaps some reassurance that you are not going to get thin and run off with the milkman is what is needed.

 

[Ready For Change]

I'm 3 months post op and loving life. I feels sexier, healthier and have much more get up and go. My hubby and I are also very sociable people and have never stopped eating out, having a drink etc. You learn to live with it and he will learn to live with it too. One promise I made to him before my surgery was that my new diet would not effect his diet at all and he sould never, ever, feel guilty for eating the things he loves. He will not loose you to surgery and if anything his love and support will make you both even closer. Be real with him and if you can't discuss it with him, write him a letter and request a reply in writing, that way, you can both be totally honest and not see the immediate reaction physically? If you've already made up your mind I think changing it now will leave you asking 'what if' for the rest of your life... My hubby isn't the chatty type but I've just talked him into having an email conversation with him to answer any dude questions he might have. I know blokes don't do the whole emotions thing but a quick one off chat with a fella in the same boat might help him? I do hope things get better, it's an emotional time for all of those close to you but ultimately it's your decision, just don't do anything hasty. xxx

 

[Ali_B]

My family was the same when my sister had the bypass a year ago last week. Especially my father, we are all a very close family. However seeing her 3 months post op he converted his opinion and the whole family believed it was also the right move for me.
My sister is now happier and healthier than ever. She now fits into a size 12 Karen Millen Dress and has lost 91lb.
I'm 62lbs down and feeling healthy again.

 

[Neeta]

Sorry to hear this. (hugs)

My hubby was behind me all the way when I told him what I was thinking about and has been very supportive since my operation.

I hope that you can discuss and work things out with your hubby and perhaps showing him this site will help him to realise just how this operation could change your life and make it more enjoyable and healthy for you and the rest of your family.

Neeta
XX

 

[SARAH S]

I'm really worried about comments my husband made a couple of days ago regarding my upcoming gastric bypass.

He is really concerned that I am doing the wrong thing, and has said I should be doing this myself slowly and not looking at surgery.

It's made me feel so emotional, and I'm struggling to discuss matters with him.

I'm now worried that if the worst happens he will never forgive me, we are quite a social couple and enjoy our meals out and the occasional drink, and I know if I have surgery things will be very different, but feel prepared for this.

I'm so confused!! It took a long time to come to this decision, and now I feel so mixed up. I have explained that I have not been able to do this on my own for the past 20 years, and that I have tried and tried and have ended up putting on more weight with every failure.

Don't really think he understands the daily struggle I go through, and don't think I can really talk to him about it (he has never had a weight problem).

I know he is only saying this because he loves me, but I now feel so alone :cry:

Did anyone else have this with their OH?? and how did you cope??

Thanks guys

Kim

Oh Kim, This was one of my concerns. As a family we are always out eating i restaurants and I really didn't know how I/we would cope. Any excuse from celebrations to just a treat for working (!) we were out !! Disappearing for a weekend away etc etc

I'm only just five and half weeks post and this week we were at the Oyster Festival in Falmouth. I shared a huge Seafood Platter with him (in truth he had most of it, but we enjoyed it immensly) Then We had Steak Salad and chips for dinner ( I had the protein and a bit of mushroom daughters had rest ) The following day I enjoyed some absolutely delicious Scallops.

I have chosen not to drink yet but could if I wanted I guess, but he still can. Please tell him that life after bypass will be so much better for both of you

My husband has been very supportive and I think the most info he got was from another bloke that had had the op. The last few weeks he has continued to eat as normal watching me eat very little at all. But I'm certain that this weekend has been as much of a turning point for him as me

 

[Jen1961]

My hubby has the 'head in the sand' syndrome too.. he seems disinterested if I try and discuss the operation or after the operation and my expected recovery plan. I left my gastric bypass information booklet that the hospital give me out on his seat the other day on the hope he might have a look and take in some of the information, even if he doesn't want to discuss it with me. The leaflet was under his chair the next morning untouched. My op is in 4 weeks time now!

I have just resigned myself to go it alone as I don't need his approval but it would be nice if he showed me some support rather than indifference.

I do have close family and friends that are there for me so its not all bad.

Do you have any family Kizzy that you can get the support from for now?

I wish you the best of luck and hopefully he will be there for you in the end.

 

[walnutwhip]

i know how you are feeling hun, my oh is very supportive but it is my immediate family that have had the head in the sand attitude, my mum and dad are concerned that there are too many risks and as my mum has been on a low fat diet since having gallstones she has loast loads of weight, but to be honest both my mum and dad have never been overweight, my daughter is the other one that is very unhappy about it she refuses to talk to me about the wls, she states that she is happy with her mum the way she is, but i know she is saying that beacause she knows of the risks, she would be so much happier if i could do normal things with her and if we go shopping now it is a nightmare, it takes me hours to find clothes that i like and then when i get home i am not sure i will wear them, it would be nice to just go out see something and buy it knowing i will wear it. In my opinion the media are to blame for peoples attitudes to wls as they only ever tell of the minority that have gone wrong, they never ever focus on the thousands of ops that are performed and are a success if they were to cover these then in time i am sure people would be more informed and they might just change the bad attitude they have toward wls for the people like me and everyone else here that are unable to loose the weight themselves, afterall it is not something that we just decide to do it takes lots of thought and decision making after years of uphill struggling on the road to weight loss.
Direct your hubby to this site and let him read stories in his own time and i am sure he will be there for you 100%
good luck and we are all here for you

 

[flowerofshona]

Now if he wants to have you healthy and around for a long time its time your hubby put you first !
My hubby has come with me to the local wls meetings and listened to those who have had the op and those waiting and he has come on a diet with me as i have been asked to lose 10% and he needed to lose weight for his health.
You are doing this so you can have a better and longer life with your hubby have better holidays and enjoy doing more together so keep strong hun and look to a brighter future xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[greyputy]

Oh my Kim I have just cried through reading this thread I can so relate to this your post. My boyfriend was so supportive when he thought either band or sleeve. Now the surgeon has said bypass he doesn't want me to do it. I can't decide between sleeve (my choice) or bypass (surgeons) cos I am really scared about the bypass and the rerouting of my bowel. I have actually told people that I am not doing it now (apart from him) because they all saying dont do it, although I am now on the list for bypass. Aarrgghhh I don't know what to do

 

[mariew]

My hubby was also against it, he was ok when he thought I was having a band because it's reversible, as soon as I said I was having a bypass or a sleeve he became very hostile to it. So much so that I wouldn't allow him to accompany me to any hospital appointments in case it jeopardised my chances of having ANY surgery. ( The psychiatrist was very concerned when I alluded to it in one visit). However, when I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, he accompanied me to my Desmond Project ( Diabetes Education and Self Management for the Newly Diagnosed) When he realised all the serious complications that caused, and the best way to avoid heart attacks, strokes, blindness, amputation etc, he soon came round to the idea. Now he is with me all the way and can't wait.
I hope you sort this out with him soon as I know how upsetting this is.

 

[Denise Morris]

I'm really worried about comments my husband made a couple of days ago regarding my upcoming gastric bypass.

He is really concerned that I am doing the wrong thing, and has said I should be doing this myself slowly and not looking at surgery.

It's made me feel so emotional, and I'm struggling to discuss matters with him.

I'm now worried that if the worst happens he will never forgive me, we are quite a social couple and enjoy our meals out and the occasional drink, and I know if I have surgery things will be very different, but feel prepared for this.

I'm so confused!! It took a long time to come to this decision, and now I feel so mixed up. I have explained that I have not been able to do this on my own for the past 20 years, and that I have tried and tried and have ended up putting on more weight with every failure.

Don't really think he understands the daily struggle I go through, and don't think I can really talk to him about it (he has never had a weight problem).

I know he is only saying this because he loves me, but I now feel so alone :cry:

Did anyone else have this with their OH?? and how did you cope??

Thanks guys

Kim

Mine was a bit concerned about my op I wanted bypass initially (ended up with sleeve) but he felt band was "less invasive/permanent" so I took him along to our local weight loss support group and after talking to both bypassers/banders and how surgery had changed their lives for better he became fully supportive of my choice. Now 9 months on and over 6 stone less he loves the new me and cannot get over just how different I look, so much so it has inspired him to look at his diet/join a gym and try and regain his fitness.

 

[wannabeanewme]

Hi Kizzy.. well.. reading through the replies already posted.. I guess I must have been one very lucky lady..

My Darling OH was very supportive right from the beginning. Neither of us expected me to ever be on this journey after I'd lost a lot of weight on my own.. but it was the surgeon I saw regarding another health issue that put it into perspective for him. He looked at my Oh and said he could operate for the other problem.. the weight I was at - I'd be lucky to survive but he'd do it anyway.. or I could go away, lose more weight and go back again. When we got the letter for the seminar, neither of us knew what to expect. So we went along, did some research and although I don't regret the operation - in some ways I feel I'd cheated. I'd dieted, exercised and lost loads of weight but it wasn't enough then had this journey almost thrust upon me.. and my OH actually went out of his way to find additional info for me. He admitted he was terrified of losing me, scared of facing his future alone.. but he then realised once we'd did more research - that if things were left as they were - he WOULD lose me.. because being overweight causes a lot more problems than surgery could bring. The surgery will give you a new outlook on life, give you more self confidence and as has already been posted - both you and your OH need to be honest in your wishes. Yes he'll be scared, yes he may not truly understand (know my OH didn't truly understand in the beginning) but the ability to be more active, more confident and feel more alive.. has to be better than how you feel now.. Your OH obviously Loves you and cares.. He just needs to realise this isn't going to make life harder on either of you.. but it will make your lives much much better once you're recovered and on the road to a new Life.. that you get to share TOGETHER.. How about leaving the forum open on computer, maybe try and get some leaflets he can read and understand in his own time? Lets face it.. he's a man (no offence to the blokes on here btw) and not all are able to understand things he's never had to deal with.. Like now..

Hope it gets resolved for you.. (((((Hugs)))))