JJs Pre Op Diary

[jayniemac]

Hey everyone

So im having my band on June 10th in Belgium with Dr Chris. My main reason for chosing Belgium is financial. Its just so much cheaper. Ive been battling this weight for 15 years now and this has got to be the end. Im a huge emotional binge eater and its out of all control. I very publicly announced my intentions to lose weight once and for all this year thinking that by telling people id finally admoit my problem and put my self under a bit of pressure to do something about it. Huge mistake. I dropped two stone by the end of february only to break out on a massive stint of binging and now im back up 22.5 lbs already. Its soul destroying. Im so ashamed now that i practically wont even leave the house or see my friends, i certainly wouldnt dream of attempting to dress up for a night out.

Everyday is becoming a nightmare. Nothing fits me, id only just got back into some jeans and bought some new clothes and now they dont fit me anymore. I spend ages in the mornings just trying to find something half decent to wear so that i cna leave the house. it has been known that ive got back into bed or stayed at home in my pyjamus all day because nothing will fit. Im so bloody sick of it.

Anyway, i have a partner and children and we are far from well off. So i feel terrible about selfishly getting us into financial pressures just because i cant control my eating but really i dont feel like i have a choice. Its taking over my life.

Today ive started my pre op diet. Im going with lipotrim, i ordered it online which is great so i dont have to face the shameful weigh in at the chemist, so hopefully it will be here tomorrow. For today ive had the Biggest Loser shake...they are vile! Lipotrim is positively delicious by comparison!! Ive done it for a few weeks before, i usually crack after 10 days and eat so im praying that i have the strength to dig deep and stick with it. I want my life back.

Im desperately fearful that I'll fail this time around too. Im trying to avoid stories of people cheating the band and failing etc. Im probably more of a canditate for bypass because of my binging. I couldnt afford it. But part of me wonders if i should just stretch to it if it means an end to this eating madness. But i think my BMI is not big enough. Im 5ft 7 and 15 and a half stone. Plus i suppose Im drawn to bypass because of the quick results, the weight seemingly falls off, whereas banding seems to be all about healthy eating, will power and motivation...all the areas ive failed in my whole life. I would be put off bypass because its permanent. Some part of me would hope that after a few years with the band and some therapy that maybe I could eventually control myself without needing it. (btw im not saying bypass is easy, im sure its not, but there is a perception that the weight loss part is effortless).

Anyway, as it stands i guess i'll be going with the band. I know i should be delighted and i am, im just terrified of failing again. I cant wait to get my life back and feel attractive and fit into clothes and not be dominated by food and gorging to the point of illness. I am going to get myself into a counselling programme too, because im clearly using food as an outlet for something and sugery alone is not going to cure that.

Id love to think that i could lose 4 stone by Christmas. Hell id love to think that i could lose 5 or 6!! But if I could make 4 stone by this christmas then that would be amazing. I am sporty...or at least i was for most of my life, so hopefully as the weight drops, my stamina and desire to exercise will return. Ive also been approved for breast reduction surgery which im mad keen to get! Im a 38hh and then some. I suffer terribly with my back and self esteem because of them. I couldnt have the surgery before because i became pregnant and since then ive never got my weight back into a healthy BMI category. So surely thats a great incentive for me!

Anyway, thats me all waffled out for now. Fingers crossed on this pre op diet

Jay x

 

[suepat10]

Hi and welcome.

I was going to say please don't be ashamed of yourself but I would be a hypocrite as I do have days when I feel like you.

I am no expert and am willing to be proved wrong but I think binge eaters are advised to have a band anyway. Plus I think where you are going are too professional to let you have an op they don't think is suitable.

As regards finances, I am a bit nervous about saying this in case it sounds insulting which I really don't mean but here goes - a happy mum is a better mum. I am NOT in anyway knocking you as a mother but looking at it as if it was me in your position I know I will be able to do more with my son and not be so grumpy when he wants to do things I can't/won't (eg swimming).

Also as regards finance, you will soon make back your initial outlay by not paying your binge foods. Difficult as it is, write down and work out the cost of the food you are eating and wish you weren't and then compare that with the cost of the op.

Good luck with your pre-op diet and op. xx

 

[jayniemac]

Thanks Sue, I do spend ridiculous amounts on junk and take away. I'm too embarrassed to buy a bar of chocolate in the shop so instead i'll buy a cake...this is me foolishly thinkin that if anyone see's me buying a cake they wont think im going home to stuff the entire thing down my throat, where as if they saw me buying chocolate they'd know it was definitely for me!! How stupid is that...so now im addicted to coffee cakes, my binging is so apalling that i have actually taken one out of its wrapper in the car and pulled chunks off with my hands to stuff myself because i couldnt wait to get home and have a slice and a cup of tea. At easter i was filling my trolley with eggs having a great time happy that if anybody saw me theyd think they were for the kids...what madness, and im not particularly fond of easter eggs...still eat around 8-10 all the same. My compulsion to eat is ruining my life.

Today...i had my water and my shake...then everyone was having home made soup for lunch so i had that...except then i saw fresh bread and real butter, so i had two slices...but that was it, binge started, i immediately had 3 more slices with cheese, and straight after that had another two with jam and tea. Wolfing them down. Didnt particularly want them but couldnt stop myself. I needed that feeling of being full to the brim.

This evening my partner is out to work so i usually plan ahead with my binging. I got dressed (Im in my pjs all day cause nothing fits - and if it does its rarely comfortable). The only reason i got dressed is because i know ive nothing in the house to eat (i gorged on it all last nite in preparation for todays diet). I wanted to go and get cake in the shop. I took one look at myself in the mirror, 31 years of age, hair a mess, wedged into size 18 tracksuit bottoms a long cardi pulled on to cover me up, my hair in bad need of a colour and a cut and i felt ashamed. There i am, pulling on an lycra that fits so i can go to the shop, buy a cake and come home and stuff myself.

Im back in my pjs. I didnt go. But now im like a junkie. Its on my mind, i feel like cracking up without my fix. Im disgusted with myself. Ive really let myself go.

Sorry for waffling, i want to put it all down here so that i can read back over it in the future and remember what i was like. Hopefully im only 18 days away from an end to this madness.

damn...im still craving...good night!

 

[jayniemac]

updating again for my own sake! (need to record what im doing to myself)

Dear Jay

It was half eleven...you could have went to bed...instead you made the decision to have

1 cup of tea
2 slices of toast with real butter and jam

But that didnt satisfy you...so:

1 more cup of tea
1 slice of toast with real butter (loads of it)
1 slice of toast with real butter and 2 slices of cheese

So now...you're wrecked tired, will struggle again to get out of bed in the morning, and have added the guts of 1000 calories to your daily intake.

Oh and dont forget all the kids jellys you devoured this evening too...feelin good?

Better hope those lipotrim arrive in the post tomorrow...

love, yourself x

 

[Maura]

hello and welcome, i am post op with DR Chris. only advice i would give you is dont target too high for weight loss. Take each day as it comes. good luck and say hi to chris for me xx

 

[Maura]

updating again for my own sake! (need to record what im doing to myself)

Dear Jay

It was half eleven...you could have went to bed...instead you made the decision to have

1 cup of tea
2 slices of toast with real butter and jam

But that didnt satisfy you...so:

1 more cup of tea
1 slice of toast with real butter (loads of it)
1 slice of toast with real butter and 2 slices of cheese

So now...you're wrecked tired, will struggle again to get out of bed in the morning, and have added the guts of 1000 calories to your daily intake.

Oh and dont forget all the kids jellys you devoured this evening too...feelin good?

Better hope those lipotrim arrive in the post tomorrow...

love, yourself x

try to stay off bread..........its the enemy.. the gastric band is an aid for you to lose weight but its not a miracle. you have to work with it... and you need to have will power. Dr Chris has his patients on a low fat diet 2 weeks before op, this is to decrease the size of your liver. well to be blunt, if you dont reduce your liver, there will be no op!

 

[jayniemac]

Ok Maura...cheers for the advice!!! 2 weeks tomorrow eek! Pre Op diet starts tomorrow!! Ive had exams all week so attempts at early diet did not work out!!! Have been stuffing my face with buns, cereal bars and lucozade while ive been cramming!! Finished my exams today so will be making fresh start tomorrow!! going with TFR shakes...not looking forward to it! Will be some comedown but im goin to be home for the next few weeks so i'll be able to manage well i hope! Cant believe im finally doing something so dramatic! Looking forward to a healthier life. 4 weeks of liquids here i come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[jayniemac]

Right so...my tfr shakes that i ordered online arrived friday evening so i planned to start them saturday. Friday of course i ate fairy cakes til they were coming out of my ears and we shared a pizza that night with coke. Final meal n all that. Next day i have the shake and water. Theres a few iced fairy cakes left over that my mother made the day before and they are on my mind all day. Other half decided to go out and in that instant i decide to plan a binge. Whilst he is in the shower, i am online ordering a curry to be delivered. He'll never know. Then i plan pn eating the remaining fairy cakes so i'll have to replace them or i'll be discovered. The second he is gone off in the taxi i start baking to replace what im about to eat. Imagine...the effort id go to to try and hide my binging. The lack of self control. I eat about 7 fairy cakes, a curry with rice and chips and 2.5 chicken and cheese rolls with coke. Im only satisfied when im absolutely full to capacity. I wash everything up and hide all the wrappers. Pointless really because as im drifting off to sleep, i text my other half to tell him what ive done. Im almost angry at him for leaving me unsupervised on day one...which is ridiculous. Im also hoping he realises how bad my compulsions are and that he is as strict as he can be with me. The next day sunday, the kids are out so i get a lovely rest (unusual) so i stay in bed reading for a big part of the day. I start reading Paul McKennas change your life in seven days, looking for some inspiration about how to stop self sabotaging. Its good. But i go downstairs at 3:30pm and the first thing i eat that day is the last 6 fairy cakes. One after another. Not even waiting for the kettle to boil. Then i eat the last chunk of cheddar cheese in the fridge. I dont even slice it, i just bite through it like a bar. That night i eat 2 slices of bread and jam with tea. Then straight away after, another 2 slices of bread and butter with the last 5 fishfingers and another mug of tea.

Its now Monday. Ive told my other half i absolutely HAVE to stick to tfr from now on. Ive only got 11 days before i fly out. He has just taken a roast chicken out of the oven to make sandwiches. The smell wafting through the house is amazing, i know theres fresh bread too. I will not give in today I will not. Im going to stick some notes up around the house and on the fridge and cupboards. I WILL NOT F*CK UP THIS OPPORTUNITY.